difficult child is in a snit

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Jun 17, 2014.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    For several days now difficult child has been on the verge of anger all day long. I ignored it since it is that time of the month. No one has said or done anything to make her upset other than probably easy child since they bicker like sisters all the time. Basically the whole household has just been trying to ride it out as long as difficult child doesn’t get ugly with us.
    But last night when she picked me up from work she was once again in a bad mood. She cut off a lady in a turn lane almost causing a wreck and then when we got to the driveway she was furious because husband had gone golfing and taken his truck. I guess she had made plans to go to her friend’s house and I needed my car to go to the gym and the grocery. She was going to take husband’s truck and go to her friends but hadn’t asked for it so he didn’t know.
    Once I got back from the grocery I went in and mentioned to husband that I needed some gas because I was out again. husband apparently told difficult child if she wanted the car tonight to put $5 in it so she could get back and forth. difficult child was NOT happy!!! She came downstairs and threw a fit because” she does so much for us” and “we don’t say thank you” and then “we are taking all her money to fill up a car that we drive.” husband and I tried to talk to her but she grabbed my keys and tore out of the driveway. She said some pretty hurtful personal things to me before going. She came back 10 minutes later grabbed some stuff and then tore out again.
    I was not happy because she is driving my car and I don’t appreciate her leaving in it without asking. Plus I don’t appreciate her driving while so angry.
    About an hour later I get a text saying “Sorry for the last comment I made, I didn’t mean it. I really wish you both realized I am trying and struggling with money. I sell all my stuff and don’t as you all to pay for any of the extra stuff I do because I already feel bad enough. I wish you both would let me know before a month after I’m here that you’re gonna make me pay for gas and other things. I do a lot for everyone and thought that this wasn’t a problem. Hope your feelings aren’t too hurt. I love you.”
    I texted back “we can talk about it tonight if you get home in time or tomorrow if not.”
    The reply was: “Yea I don’t think that’s really needed. I don’t feel like I should feel bad about not being able to have a job yet and I don’t feel like I should be told I have to pay for gas in a car that I don’t only use. Be mad all you want but making me dirt poor and keeping me away from my only friend wont end well just because your feelings are hurt. Glad we are back to fighting again. Wish you would give me a dang break and let me be happy. BYE.”
    My reply: “OK”
    Let’s just say I am NOT happy. I don’t appreciate her taking my car without permission and driving while angry. I don’t appreciate being blamed for her lack of friends. I don’t appreciate being blamed for her lack of money since she doesn’t work. I don’t appreciate being blamed for her selling stuff when she hasn’t asked me for any money or help.
    Tonight we will be having a talk. She will need to have a job by the end of the month. She will either need to be enrolled in school or looking for an apartment by the end of the month. She will not continue to live in my house, eating my food, using things I buy, and complaining about anything we ask her to do for us. I will no longer be asking her for assistance with anything and husband & I will no longer be assisting her with household chores related to her room or bath. She will no longer be using my car unless she lets me know in advance. If she can’t comply with these things then she will be given an airplane ticket to my parent’s house or my brother’s house.
    I refuse to go back to the way things were a year ago.
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  2. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Rock On - Warrior Mom!!

    Let us know how the "talk" goes. We'll all be there with you in spirit.
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yeah, if my difficult child borrowed my car without permission, plus tore out of the driveway with it, that would probably be the last time she'd use it for a long time, or maybe ever. I shared a car with my parents when I was a teen, and it was understood that I worked around THEIR schedule. If I couldn't borrow the car, my friends came and picked me up. Simple, really. At this point, perhaps the only use she should get of the car is for job interviews.

    Hope the talk goes ok tonight. Stay strong!
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  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You are way more lenient than I am. She would no longer be driving my car after pulling a stunt like that. The money she is using for gas is the money you provide. Hmmmm a bit of a reality check might be in order.
  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Oh she wont be driving it any time soon! She can negotiate with husband for his truck and see how that goes but my car will not be going anywhere.

    This would be the only area where I would be willing to bend. Then again she would have to get an interview in order to need it and so far she hasn't had but one in a month and a half.
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't put up with that either.

    She seriously needs to grow up and stop sponging off of you and acting like a ten year old brat.

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  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have to admit to a chuckle when I read the title of your thread. My first reaction was when is a difficult child ever not in a snit?

    Your post sounds like something I could have written. My difficult child has the same entitlement and ingratitude issues.

    I like your plan. Stay firm.

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  8. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Well that went as I imagined. We are horrible parents who have hated her her entire life. LOL

    difficult child's are so dramatic.
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hang in there, DSTC. Write down your plan, so if you start to falter, you can refer back to it and get some new resolve.

    They will take as much as we give.
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  10. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Sounds very familiar....Our difficult child played that so long and so hard, that we sometimes wondered if we had treated him differently (while knowing in our hearts we did not). We told me once that his treatment of us when he grew older was reparation for our treatment of him. While they are making your life miserable, it is more difficult to laugh at their angles.

    Hang in there!
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  11. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    My favorite part of the "talk" was her telling me she had been working for so long and now she needed a break. She was tired. LOL her resume reads like this....

    2011-2012 worked Saturdays for four hours
    2012-2013 worked the occasional day for my dad at the jewelery store
    2013 - now Worked Macy's from Jan to March and then got laid off.

    Dear lord give me the strength to be off work for 3 months and still be exhausted from the stress of it all.

  12. Terryforvols

    Terryforvols Member

    LMAO!!!! with that last comment. First, though, I needed a tissue from weeping about that horrible work schedule. How cruel. LOL!!!!

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  13. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    But you knew she didn't want to work.

    If you really mean what you say, cut off her money. Then she'll have to work or be very bored. No gas money. No insurance for gas. No cell phone. Yes, she was will whine and cry and be abusive and maybe even threaten harm to you or herself for manipulation purposes because, like all of our difficult children, she is emotionally maybe eight to ten years old and when you take candy from a baby unless they clean their room, a difficult child child will throw a fit. A easy child child will clean his room.

    But the more time that goes by and she thinks you owe her the same comforts she had as a child, the harder it will be for her to understand adult life and the more stuck she will get. I can't imagine giving money to a grown kid who won't go to college or work and just wants to go out each night with my car on my dime. Everyone is different, of course, but do you think that is the best way for your adult child to learn how to be responsible? She already thinks she runs things. But life isn't like that...

    Hugs and good luck.
  14. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    MWM you are right. She knows even now that my mom and dad will give her anything I don't. Basically I have cut her off and am only giving her whatever we are eating and a place to live. She has two weeks to get that job or enrolled in school and then if there is no change she will be going back to KY. It's not much of a threat though because she has her car there. I could find a way to change that but I was hoping to hold onto that car for easy child so I don't know that I want to sell it. I guess I could put her on a plane home and ship the car on a flatbed to me. The only negative to moving back to the grands is the old Boyfriend is there and she wants to avoid him at all cost.

    I am willing to let her borrow the car for job hunting but the going to her friends and staying out all night is not going to fly. We will see how seriously she takes the ultimatum and go from there. I have given her minimal support to keep her above water while she was in school or working but that will not continue if she isn't doing anything.

    Right now this is my major bone of contention. Her inability to take responsibility for her actions and her constant need to blame me for them. I have no comprehension of how someone can be in another state more than half way across the country selling her clothing to pay bills and blame me for it. If it wasn't so hurtful I would laugh at it. Heck who am I kidding I do laugh at it even now.

    Basically I dont know if I can completely cut her off. I can on the other hand make her life very skimpy.
  15. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I think that is the core of the issue, dist. That kind of thing is what our difficult children do. That is the thing that is different about them.

    They blame someone for what they do, and for where what they do gets them.

    True. It is so hurtful to love them, and teach them, and do the things that another kind of child would thrive on, and have it all come to nothing.
    Do you know what her goals are? If she were to go back to school, what would she major in? difficult child son was told he needed either to work or go back to school. He slid into a community college at the last minute, knew more than any instructor, and failed every class.

    Here it comes: Our fault.

    difficult child son is 38 now, and he still feels that way.

    I don't know what to make of it all, except that if we had not stood up and stuck to our guns about difficult child needing to leave, he would probably still be here.

    It cost us several thousand dollars for him to leave.

    And it was worth every penny.

    But it was a hard thing, to understand that no matter what we did, difficult child would fail at it, and turn it into something ugly that we did.

    Boy, I never in all the world dreamed this would be the outcome of my life with my children.

    Holding a good thought for all of you, dist 99.