difficult child is truly evil....

[JKF]

I got a call from my dad just now. Apparently difficult child has moved back into his building (without my dad's knowledge) after finding out from someone that my dad legally needs to give him 30 days notice in order to evict him. He is living there with that girl, 2 dogs, and another homeless guy. The place is trashed. Holes in the wall. Doors ripped off of hinges. Carpets ripped up. Furniture destroyed. Rotting food everywhere. And this is a 6 apartment building. 6 apartments trashed. Every other tenant who lived there has moved out because of difficult child. 4 tenants left since September bc of him. My dad is now in foreclosure because he can't pay the mortgage without any tenants. All my father wanted to do was help him. He wanted to give him a new start. He tried to guide him and love him. difficult child has literally destroyed my dad's life and cost him everything he's worked for. The police and courthouse told my dad sorry but the law is the law. He needs to give him 30 days and then he can evict and sue him for back rent and damages. My father is a 65 year old liver transplant patient with numerous health problems and this is killing him. difficult child keeps sending my dad texts saying "who has the last laugh now" and calling him all sorts of horrible names. I've never heard my dad sound so defeated. Never in his life. Today I heard total defeat in his voice. He's devastated. I am truly beyond words. I'm done with difficult child. I want no more to do with him. I will not take or return calls or texts. I will not respond to any emails or letters. No more looking at Facebook to check on him. I want no more to do with a person who will do anything in their power to hurt others. He's damaged beyond repair. There's nothing left for me to do but let go.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there. I'm so sorry, especially for your poor, kindhearted father. I know you probably can't give him back what your difficult child is going to cost him, but maybe there is a way to help ease it for him. In a situation like that, I think I'd probably invite my dad to live with me and try to be a support for him. You may not be able to do this, but this is only if you feel you want to.

Your difficult child is truly over-the-top. That would be the end for me too. He knows exactly what he is doing. Since he moved in without permission, I am flabbergasted that the cops won't do anything.

Big hugs and lots and lots of support to you. You did the best you could. It's time for you and your dear father to take back your lives, whatever he has left you of them, and start healing. It is always amazing what our difficult children are capable of doing.

 

[Stress Bunny]

JKF, I am SO sorry to hear about your difficult child's behavior. It is outrageously callous.

Recently, I posted about psychopathic/sociopathic behavior in difficult children. You can check that thread for more info. But, if your son lacks a conscience, he may have this disorder. Unfortunately, the situation is unlikely to change because those affected seldom seek help, as they perceive nothing wrong with their lives and take no responsibility for it when they do think something is wrong.

Without conscience, people cannot experience true love either. Their sole motivation in life, then, is often winning and competing and getting. Life is a game, and everyone in it is a pawn. They seek to use others for their own gain and often con and manipulate in order to live parasitically off of others.

The best thing you can do, according to the experts, is completely disconnect from sociopaths. This is for your own protection. It is very sad, and again, I am really sorry for you and your dad. I do think you are doing the right thing by detaching completely from your difficult child, if this is the case with him. I find the text messages your difficult child sent his own grandfather to be especially disturbing and indicative of his lack of conscience and ability to harm others intentionally, without remorse.

You did not create or cause this in any way, and you cannot change it either. You can only educate and protect yourself from further harm.

If you haven't already read these books, I suggest Without Conscience and The Sociopath Next Door.

 

[JKF]

I know you probably can't give him back what your difficult child is going to cost him, but maybe there is a way to help ease it for him. In a situation like that, I think I'd probably invite my dad to live with me and try to be a support for him.

I wish I could give him all of it back and more but unfortunately I'm not in the position to do so. I would definitely have my dad come live here if he wanted but he (and difficult child) are all the way (3000 miles away) across country from us and my dad has his own home there already. He never lived in the apartment building. He rented out the apartments and restaurant/bar downstairs and that was his source of income. Now he's in foreclosure because every tenant is gone due to difficult child and he just can't afford the place anymore.

Since he moved in without permission, I am flabbergasted that the cops won't do anything.

Unfortunately, difficult child never really technically moved out. My dad asked him to leave after he was jailed a couple of weeks ago and difficult child did but left all of his stuff there. difficult child then found out that he can't be asked to leave and that my dad needs to file an official eviction even though difficult child never paid rent or had a lease. difficult child then took that info to his advantage and decided to go back to the building today and make my father properly evict him.

Recently, I posted about psychopathic/sociopathic behavior in difficult children. You can check that thread for more info. But, if your son lacks a conscience, he may have this disorder.

He's without a doubt a sociopath. Without a doubt. There is something very very wrong with him. He has no remorse and goes out of his way to hurt people. In his case, it's by stealing and destroying things but it hurts nonetheless. He will never stop and he's now taken his behavior to a whole new level.

The best thing you can do, according to the experts, is completely disconnect from sociopaths.

As sad as it is, I have to agree. I can't have any contact with him at this point and maybe never. I never thought I would say that but then again I never ever thought that this would be the outcome of difficult child's "new start".

You did not create or cause this in any way, and you cannot change it either. You can only educate and protect yourself from further harm.

Thank you. This really reached me. I will keep reminding myself of this every time I start to doubt myself.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh JKF I am so very sorry. For you and for your Dad. It's an awful experience to learn who our kids have turned out to be, all of our hopes, wishes and support of them is often for naught.

Your Dad has lost a lot. You've lost a lot. This is the incident that clinches the deal, that puts it all in perspective for you, there is no turning back now. You've seen what your difficult child is capable of and how much he's hurt another human being...... and without a conscience. It is a deplorable situation. Sad to say this, but now you know the truth.

I'm sorry JKF, while you're going through this transition, remember to be especially kind and gentle with yourself. You did the very best you could, you tried everything possible. None of this is your fault, you always had the very best intentions.

 

[in a daze]

I am praying for you and your dad, JKF.

 

[Childofmine]

I am so sorry JKF for this pain that you are feeling. I am praying for you all, including your difficult child. I hope in time that you find comfort in the clarity of this action he has taken. It is a clear cutting off point for you.

Please be gentle and kind with yourself in the days and weeks ahead. Give yourself lots of time, space and TLC.

Feel your feelings and grieve as you must. There will be brighter days ahead for you and you will be joyful again.

Let us know how you are and what we can do to help you. We are always ready to listen and to care.

 

[LoveSushi]

I am so sorry. It's devastating to realize that the child we loved so much and wanted so much for has turned into a monster.

Just keep repeating: it's not me it's him. It's not my fault it's him.

Hugs

 

[tryagain]

Hurting for you tonight. Prayers and hugs for you and your dad.

 

[nlj]

I'm so sorry.
This is such a difficult situation because your father is involved. It will be very difficult for you to detach completely from your son when he is living in your father's building and causing your father such stress. There needs to be some practical action taken to remove him from both your lives. Can an eviction notice be issued as the first step? Could your father report the criminal damage to the police and have some action taken? The situation seems beyond anything that you could be expected to deal with alone. Do you have support for you?

 

[susiestar]

This situation stinks. If nothing else, difficult child parties, doesn't he? How many calls to the police that he has drugs on the premises will it take to irritate the living heck out of your son? I bet that even calling from your home iwth reports that son is threatening your father, himself, etc..., that he is using/selling drugs from the building, etc... will get him some attention.

I URGE your father to seek legal advice because what the cops tell you is OFTEN not the whole truth or the only option. Esp given the way difficult child can be violent. It may be that a restraining order could get him out as could pressing charges for vandalism of other apartments, trespass for going into other apartments (with or with-o tenants in them), etc....

A good lawyer should be able to find SOME way to help.

You didn't create this, cannot stop it, and are NOT TO BLAME for it. Your dad could have said no, or put rules/lease/etc.. in place to prevent some of the problems. Of course he didn't think he should have to, but he had to know your difficult child was troubled and a behavior problem by this point. Your dad isn't to blame either, of course. But given his history as a cop, he had to have some insight into the possibilities that could happen. Sadly, family can give us blinders.

I hope that you find a way to cope through this. PLEASE let this be the ast thing. Let this be the 'discontinuation criteria' for your relationship with difficult child, the one thing that is 'bad enough' for you to say "I am NOT your whipping girl, target, ATM, self help book, investor, rescuer and general buffer between the FULL ramifications of your choices to hurt people for the sheer joy of it." I am so sorry it had to come to this, but I don't think his disdain of common decency and his family can be much clearer.

I am so very, deeply and truly sorry for your pain and your father's pain.

 

[Echolette]

JKF,

I haven't been able to respond to this because it is so awful. My heart just aches for you and for your dad. There is no comfort to be had here. I hope you can find a way to not be consumed with anger/rage/despair. That is your charge now, that and protecting yourself from the actions of difficult child...because he IS evil.

I don't remember if you have read The Sociopath Next Door. It might be helpful to you and to your dad, when he is ready. It is a book written by a therapist whose practice focused on people whose lives had intersected with a sociopath...the random, evil, remorseless, guiltless, unempathetic person whose only joy comes from winning. The book posits that they make up about 4% of the population..and that the people who get damaged in their slipstream need a lot a lot of help to recover from the meaningless and awful harm inflicted on them. It tries to get you past the "why why why" because...there is no why. I hope it helps you. I hope it helps your dad. I feel like you might even read Eli Wiesel's book Night...both of them are about surviving pointless evil.

We are all holding you and your family in our hearts, or, as they say at my jewish sons' Quaker school (children of a buddhist-raised-unitarian mom and a jewish dad) we will hold you in the light. May it sooth you and heal you.

Echo

 

[Calamity Jane]

More than anything, I worry for your father and possibly his safety. Even though he doesn't reside in the building difficult child is occupying, I'm sure he has to go there. If difficult child gets pissed at him, who knows what he's capable of? I'd advise your Dad to start legal proceedings, but to stay away as much as possible. There's no telling what difficult child would do if he thinks the "old man" is cramping his style.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh I am just sick reading this. I remember when your son went out there and your father was trying so hard to help him. How on earth can a grandson do that to his grandfather? I know, no answer. Or no good answer.

Like someone else mentioned, I would urge your father to ask a lawyer if there is any loophole to get difficult child out sooner than later. There may be something in there about the fact that he was gone to jail and hence, out of the home, so he may have been able to be legally evicted. Police may not know all the in's and out's. I would think that if your son is doing anything illegal that your father could charge him and that would be grounds to have him gone asap. Of course, that is just something that SHOULD make sense. The law doesnt always make sense.

If you are like me, you probably feel really guilty about what your difficult child has done to your father. I always have. Please know that you cant be blamed for this.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I remember when you sent him out there too, JKF.

How is your father holding up to all this?

It's unbelievable, isn't it, how our difficult child kids can turn everything that should work for them into something so tragic we are just left shaking our heads. I am sorry, JKF. difficult child daughter too has done some things that leave me feeling physically sick. I like to view them as isolated incidents...but lately, I am having trouble doing that. Wherever they go, however they are helped and whoever helps them...these kinds of things seem to be the outcomes for our difficult children.

It really disconnects me from the core of myself, disconnects me somehow from myself, when I think too much about what she has done, about how ashamed I am at what she has done.

There are some things so awful that I cannot even think how to see any good in the situation.

This is one of those.

It's that betrayal thing. That is the hardest thing. It makes the difficult child seem almost inhuman...like they are never going to change.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

It's unbelievable, isn't it, how our difficult child kids can turn everything that should work for them into something so tragic we are just left shaking our heads.

I think, too, I have come to believe, actually, that one of the key problems here is this: We have offered solutions to them, instead of them finding solutions for themselves.

Anything WE come up with, is almost never going to work. I have seen this happen over and over and over again with difficult child. I have thrown dozens of solutions at him, arranged them, paid for them, called, written, personal visits, preparing the way for him to once again turn things around.

Nothing. Has. Ever. Worked.

It's because at the central core of it all, it was MY solution, not HIS. Once I even manipulated him into rehab for 30 days at a cost of $6K on my credit card. It was a very nice place to be---out in the country on a farm with a pond to fish in etc. But they talked too much about those pesky 12 steps and God and such. When we went out for the "graduation" (what a joke, for him), his peeps confronted him publicly about his incredible resistance the entire time he was there.

He was just going through the motions.

I believe firmly that if difficult child ever turns his life around, it won't be through anything I do or don't do. He has taught me that, over these years.

My hope is that I can stand down and stand back and allow him to live his own life.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Believe firmly that if difficult child ever turns his life around, it won't be through anything I do or don't do. He has taught me that, over these years.
My hope is that I can stand down and stand back and allow him to live his own life.

True.

I am not sure what the dynamic between my son and myself is, but I don't think it is healthy or strengthening for him. I have heard nothing for the past six months. To me, that means he is being responsible to his own life. Like you, COM, I am determined to draw away, to continue practicing detachment skills. There was a time I would have been devastated, would have been lighting candles and worrying through the nights, if I had not herd from my son in six months.

That is all gone.

Detachment.

I am practicing detaching from those old, unhealthy behaviors of mine.

There comes a point for each of us, I think, when we have tried everything but letting go.

And then, we do.

And sometimes, when we do...the child picks up, turns his life into something to be cherished and respected. It's the strangest thing. And sometimes, they don't turn themselves around. Sometimes, things just keep getting worse. But you are right, COM. Anything we do for them somehow crashes and burns. We (I do) come to resent them more and more.

Better to have no relationship.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

Cedar, I loved your idea about the white candle. I bought one and put it in a yellow flower pot type thing that has a green ceramic flower on it.

It is a bit jaunty.

It's on my kitchen table. It is a good way to think about difficult child. Thank you.

 

[JKF]

I have read all of your replies and advice and well wishes over and over and over again. This board comforts me so much because I know I'm not alone. I have beautiful, caring people out there cheering me on. I can't thank you all enough for that.

I so want to reply to each and every one of your posts and quote some of the amazing advice you've given to me but right now my head is spinning. I'm dizzy. My chest is pounding. I can't breathe. I feel physically ill. My stomach is in knots.

I looked on difficult child's Facebook page (in spite of my resolve not to) and he's posting that he'll be back here in NJ by the end of next week. So, yeah, we all know what that means. He'll show up here. He'll call nonstop. He won't take NO for an answer because he's just not capable of that. Things will escalate. Something bad will happen. He'll be back HERE in my space and my safety net will be gone once again. I'll live in fear of him showing up, breaking in, trying to hurt us. I won't be able to sleep at night out of fear that he'll break in and kill us. I won't be able to leave my house without fearing that he'll break in and take our things. I'll be constantly looking over my shoulder at all times. I won't be able to relax or enjoy my life anymore. All of it will start all over again. It will be as if he never left. I was starting to put the pieces of myself back together and now I feel as if I'm shattering all over again. I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't have the strength.

He just tried to call me and text me. I didn't answer or respond. His text was a simple "Hey Mom ". As if he were a normal child just saying hello to his mother. As if he weren't a sociopath who destroyed the life of his grandfather and will soon be back here to finish destroying the rest of us.

I think I'm going to throw up now.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, I am so sorry.
Heartbreaking for you and your dad, and of course, financially devastating for your dad.
Many hugs. Wish I had some advice.