difficult child left again last night... Ugh!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by welcometowitsend, May 7, 2012.

  1. So I got home from a weekend away with easy child (dance competition) and difficult child asks if he can go spend the night at his girlfriends house - today is a PD day so they have no school. husband and I discussed it and decided that although he chose to live there for a month we will not be allowing him to spend nights there. It goes against my morals and it certainly isn't something we would allow our easy child daughter to do when she is 16.

    We told him he could go there until midnight (curfew is usually 11pm) and we would pick him up and then he could go back over during the day today if he wanted to (her brother will be home). He was angry but I thought he was resigned to accepting it. Well, that was until his girlfriend got wind of it. I wasn't back home 5 minutes after dropping him off when the phone rang. difficult child and girlfriend have decided that I'm being f'ing disrespectful because I've f'd their weekend. What?! They had plans (which I didn't know about until 5:30 last night) and I have ruined them.

    I told him I was sorry he felt that way but I'd made my decision and I would pick him up at midnight. Then he wants me to discuss it with girlfriend. Ah, no. I don't need to discuss anything with girlfriend, this conversation is over, goodbye. He calls back several more times - he spoke to both myself and husband - you would have been proud - we totally kept our cool.

    Eventually he calls a final time (at around 10:45pm) and informs me that he and girlfriend have decided that he won't be coming home tonight. I said well, I hope you understand that there are consequences for disobedience and that you agreed to follow the rules. Wants to know what the consequences are so I tell him he will be grounded. I will have to discuss how long with husband and that we will be discussing this entire matter with the counsellor at our appointment on Wednesday. So then he tells me that he will NOT be grounded and says can I tell you one more thing? And I say as long as it's not disrespectful - so he says "Well, never mind then." I think he was about to call me the b word. Nice - and he thinks I am verbally abusive?

    During this evening long ordeal he informs me that girlfriends parents agree with him that he should be able to do what he wants. I felt like saying - Well, maybe you should move back in with them seeing as you all get along so well.

    So, I am not going to call him today, he can call me and he can find his own way home. His ride left at midnight last night. Maybe girlfriend's parents can cart his butt home seeing as they like him so much. Or he can ride his bike home which is still at their house. He will be grounded when he gets home, whether he likes it or not. And I guess if he doesn't then he'll have to go back to girlfriend's place.

    Girlfriends mother is moving in with her boyfriend (a military man) and the girlfriend and her brother are going with the mother. So I guess difficult child has a few choices... he will either move in with the mother and her military man boyfriend (hahahahaha!!!! bet he'll love that) or he can live with girlfriends dad - which would be very weird. Or, I guess he has the other option of coming here and following the rules.

    Well, then there is the 4th option which I think he was planning on doing anyway (I honestly think he just came home to bide his time) - which is waiting for difficult child friends #1 and #2 to get jobs. difficult child apparently has a job that starts at the end of June. Then the 3 difficult child's can move in together.

    This is just so surreal sometimes I can't believe it's actually happening. I mean, I know he's a teenager but seriously, is there no common sense in that head of his?
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Grooooaaann! Yeah, like talking to his girlfriend is something a normal parent would do. Not thinking, dude!
    Best of luck. I can just see my difficult child in this position in a few yrs.
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I had a feeling that this would happen. As soon as he heard something that he didn't like he was going to go running back to the girlfriend's house. What I canm't understand is why her parents put up with it?

    I'm sorry that he left again and is refusing the obey the rules.
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I think you and your husband did VERY well not caving in to any of his manipulative tactics. Good for you!!!
    And difficult child is learning that he won't be able to control you the way he expected.

    Now, let's see what difficult child will do next...
  5. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    This girlfriend really has him wrapped around her finger doesn't she? You now know she's the one that's been telling him what to say. I agree that IF he comes home, he needs to be grounded...I hope that includes no computer, phone (AT ALL), other means of communication with this girl. She is a VERY bad influence on him. I agree with letting him find his own way home. I would also add this whole scenario to your documentation. It will be interesting to hear what the councellor says after hearing about this situation.

    I think you are right about biding his time. I think you are 100% right. BUT until then, he follows YOUR rules if he's going to live in YOUR house.

    I am VERY proud of you for keeping your cool and not falling into his trap. Isn't it a great feeling?!?!
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sounds like when little kids say.... But MOM!!! All the other kids get to do it! Why can't I??? Big Lie.

    They maybe said that, but given that they wanted him to leave I doubt that is exactly what they said.

    It really is an unreal situation. That he thinks he has that much control and he is not developmentally delayed/cognitively impaired. I mean, my son says things like that but he is brain damaged in a big way. It sounds like a toddler tantrum gone too far. So sorry but really impressed that you and husband stood your ground and stuck together. I think you should tape those phone calls so the counselors and people he applies to for student welfare etc. can hear his attitude and what you are saying.
  7. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Could it simply be, that girlfriend's parents are currently so wrapped up with their divorce they have no time or energy to deal with their daughter, let alone with your son? So it is easier for them just let everything go. When they get their divorce over, that could change quickly and your son could be back in your door in no time.
  8. Buddy - You are so right - he is not cognitively impaired in any way and yet his behaviour is outrageous. Here's a sentence from a text yesterday: "I'm not going to ride my bike home because you refuse to pick me up." Huh? So frustrating from a kid with an above average IQ.

    Terry - difficult child thinks I owe girlfriend an apology in a big way because I refused to talk to her. And he doesn't owe me an apology when he and girlfriend are saying I f'd their weekend, I f'ing disrespected them because I wouldn't let them have a sleepover and I'm an f'in b?

    Bunny - Thank you. I had some hope but realistically I think I knew we'd have to go through more before we could truly hope for it to get better.

    Daisyface - Thank you for the vote of confidence. It means a lot.

    TeDo - Yes, this girl has him wrapped around her little finger and is such a bad influence. He needs to open his eyes and realize that she will be gone one day and he will have burned the people who have always been there for him. Sigh. Frustrating. This is his first love and first sexual partner (I'm sure they're having sex - her parents think they aren't)

    Buddy - Yes, it's like a giant temper tantrum - very strange to watch. From a small child you can understand it but from someone who can verbalize and articulate their feelings and needs it's just ridiculous.

    Susi - I think you have something about the parents. Mother has a boyfriend so she is out with him and sleeping over at his house a lot. Father wants his family back and is afraid to say 'boo' to anyone for fear of making them angry at him. That said I think they've always been very indulgent, lax parents.

    I posted a new thread with the latest. It's not getting any better. Not sure what I'd do without this forum right now.