difficult child managed to overstay her welcome....again....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PatriotsGirl, Nov 17, 2010.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Her cousin doesn't want her staying there anymore. She told my mother that all she does is complain all the time and the dog eliminates all over the place. My mom is willing to take her back in as long as we bring the dog back with us, which we are. She has no choice anymore.

    I feel so bad sticking my mom with her. Trying to think of other options. If I bring her back here, I am bringing her back here to be homeless because she cannot live in my house. I have a feeling if I leave her up there, she will end up homeless, too, because I don't know how long my mother can put up with her.

    What she NEEDS is a long term rehab program so she can work on herself. She still refuses. But her options are running out and she really needs to understand that she cannot act like a miserable you know what and that people are going to want to put up with it. She is also complaining because she honestly expects people to take care of her. It is so frustrating. I don't know what to do. She turns 18 next October. I don't know if I can be forced to take her back until then. I hope not. But how sad that no one wants her around. :(
  2. MrsMcNear50

    MrsMcNear50 New Member


    I know what you're saying. Sweet Betsy has burned all of her bridges and now wonders why she is homeless. She continues to state that she cannot change the past. I continue to remind her that she may be over the fact that she stole from her family and friends, brought drama on herself, and that those she wronged aren't so willing to forget the past. She doesn't get it.

    I'm not sure where the sense of entitlement comes from, but I see it in alot of young people. Expect everyone to take care of them, and they go on about their merry buisness...this one, I don't get.

    Hang in there and stick to your guns. Don't let her come back home. At 18, she needs to figure it out. Hope all goes well.


  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Actually I think maybe your mom should refuse to teke her in and let DSS take over. If she were 18 you could just send her to a shelter but not when they are underaged. Maybe if your difficult child realizes that people do not have to help her, especially if she isn't helping herself, she will make the necessary changes. I have walked a long hard road with my difficult child and know that as long as they think they can manipulate people or situations they will. Your mother is kind hearted but in my humble opinion letting her come back is enabling. I know this is hard. I know it is even harder for the older generation who just want to see their loved ones at peace and doing well. But your difficult child isn't getting it and she continues to use people and complain when things don't suit her rather than help herself. -RM
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Just talked to her and of course, she blames every one but herself. Says she hates our family, hates Massachusetts, blah blah blah. She says she reamed out her cousin because her cousin had $30.00 and spent it getting her nails done instead of groceries. I explained that how her cousin spends her money is none of her business. Anyway, she states again that her plan is to come back to Georgia and she has a place to stay, blah blah blah. I told her I am taking the dog and she can do as she pleases. I got a nice "f" you as a response. I feel the love....ugh. What ever. I give up.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Hmmm sounds similar to the way Nichole used to be. She could point out other people's poor choices but couldn't seem to see that the same applied to her for the longest time. Many of her friends are now going through a lot of the same sort of junk Nichole did........thanks to a baby at 16 she's quite a bit a head of most of them.......and she'll go on and on about their poor choices. I just remind her that that was her not that long ago.....sort of a don't forget the lessons you've learned thing. The really weird thing is she'll give them the same advice I gave her or whatever. lmao

    (((hugs))) Guess difficult child is going to have to learn things the hard way, hoovers but doesn't to seem to be much you can do to deter her at this point.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is likely she is going to have to be homeless for a while and live that way before she is willing to make any changes. There is very little chance that she will change significantly before she hits her personal bottom, if she ever hits it. Finding places for her to stay is unlikely to move her toward changing her life. She wants to drug and do what she wants with-o doing anything to care for herself or provide for herself. At some point, regardless of where she lives, she will find herself out of "fun" options and people to support her. That is the point where she MAY start to realize that she has to change. It will likely be a long time before rehab will work for her. She still thinks she is invincible and you are a complete and total idiot who hasn'nt got a clue as to how the world works.

    She has found drugs and places to use them in her current state. No matter where she lives she will be able to find drugs. They are everywhere. Have you gone to alanon or narcanon yet? Did you just go one or two times or are you going on a regular basis? You need to go regularly, as often as you possibly can. You will learn how to use the tools to help yourself during this time and you will learn that it is okay to let difficult child reap the natural consequences of her actions. Have you checked out all the books and things on the Love and Logic site? I don't know if they have anything specifically targetted to your situation, but many of their techniques could be useful. The site is www.loveandlogic.com . If you write to them, or email, they will be able to give you ideas and some guidance to tools that may help.

    I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this. I hope you love the dog. in my opinion the natural consequences of her actions/behavior would have the dog going to the shelter when difficult child wouldn't or couldn't care for it. Esp as she has refused to potty train it. Taking the dog home with you is really nice, esp to the poor dog who is innocent in this except for the elimination issues. I doubt anyoen would fault you if you didn't take the dog, but it is very sweet that you are willing to.

    Hugs. It is terribly hard to watch helplessly as they destroy their lives, their futures, their minds and bodies, and most especially their hearts and psyches as they do all these incredibly stupid things that they are dead set on doing.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There are shelters for kids under 18. One place is in NYC or two I should say...called Covenant House and Under 21. I got my butt parked in both of them for a night or two when I ran away to the Big Apple...lol. At least it is off the streets.
  8. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    I'm just lurking today, but I wanted to strongly second the suggestion to attend Al Anon or Narc Anon meetings. You will meet other parents who have been where we are, and don't judge. They just let you talk and then thank you for it. I have been attending a meeting every Saturday morning since May and it's the one constant in my life. I will not miss it, come hell or high water, snowstorm, earthquake. It's my time to completely focus on myself. I also think it is a very good place to be if your difficult child is stalled in their recovery. I can honestly say that these meetigns have helped me more than the past six years of talk therapy.
  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I do attend Alanon - that is where I get my strength from. It has helped more than anything else except for this site, of course!

    So my sister calls me this morning screaming about my difficult child and my mother is going through sheer heck and I just don't know what to do anymore. My mom refuses to throw her out but my goodness I can't just sit back and watch her life be destroyed because she feels she has to have difficult child there because difficult child has nowhere else to go. She cannot live with us. I refuse to go through that torture again. So, looks like she is going to be heading to Georgia to be homeless or stay with friends until they tire of her kukka and kick her out. Oh well. I.give.up. She is on her own. Either she is going to make something of herself, or she will probably die of an overdose. Either way, I have absolutely no control. I am really, really trying to detach but it is so dang hard. I just really want to smack her upside the head but I know that won't do anything but hurt my hand. :(