difficult child never changes......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Jun 29, 2009.

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  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well I have to admit I have changed. My difficult child happened to get dropped off over here yesterday. he had called me to come and get him but I couldnt - so when he got here he thought we would take him to the ER to get pain pills - he was in pain - or take him to his enabling friends in a near by city - well the answer was no to all counts! So he proceeds to use foul language and call me every name in the book to intimidate me into doing it - but it didnt work - I was about to call the police when my hubby walked in - then difficult child changes his tune - he did continue to call the friend he is living with that had gone out on a date with his live-in pregnant girlfriend - he didnt know when they were coming back, etc. - so he freaked out about that and didnt know what he was going to do - so husband said go back and wait for them to come back - well they finally called and we took him back where he lives - it is amazing how he can come in here and act crazy - make me think he is as bad off as Michael Jackson - then he calls this morning and asks me why he has nose bleeds!!!!! He was so rude, inconsiderate, foul, and everything that a mother doesnt want their children to be - I did look at him once and say he wasnt the child I raised - he was a stranger in my house - I wanted him to leave - then he said you are not my mother either and I said oh yes I am - I have not changed - you have. So I thought about doing a restraining order to keep him off the property - they have to threaten to harm someone before that can be done - or no trespassing - maybe that will work - So now he has to go to an interview about his food stamps - I am not taking him because I am going to eat lunch with teacher friends - also he wants to go to the psychiatrist - I cant afford it and neither can he - so what gives - he needs to go to mental health - duh!
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad you didn't give him the ride he wanted. That's good. I would suggest that the next step, however, is to not let him in, nor even speak to him, if and when he shows up at your door. Especially if it's after you refused to pick him up.... I would be livid that he had the nerve to get a ride to my place after I refused to take him somewhere. Incredibly manipulative... he got a ride THERE, right?! He's proven time and time again that he can get rides when they suit his purposes.

    Keep in mind that any kind of restraining/no trespassing order is only as good as your willingness to enforce it. It won't keep him off of your property, or from showing up on your doorstep. It's a tool for you to use... after you tell him he is no longer allowed on your property, and he shows up, you call the cops. If you're unwilling to use such a tool, it's a worthless piece of paper.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He certainly wants to go to the ER an awful lot. He must think he has some kind of horrible disease. He is the kind of person who gives those of us with chronic pain bad names. Because of people like him I wont even allow an ER doctor to prescribe me narcotics. That is the first thing I tell a doctor in the ER, that I am not there for a script of pain medications. I dont want them thinking I am simply looking for drugs.

    You did the right thing in not giving him a ride to the ER. He doesnt need that. He needs to stay where he is and figure out his life. I dont know how the food stamp program works in SC but in NC, he would only get about 3 months worth and they would make him look for work. An adult is only allowed so many months in a row of food stamps if they are not disabled and over a certain age.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Michael Jackson was a drug addict. He took the types of drugs your son wants from ER--pain pills. He has no pain, he's just addicted. I agree you shouldn't even let him in. You don't need a restraining order to keep him out of the house. You can call the cops if he bangs on your door or comes in against your wishes.

    He sounds like he is the severe stage of drug addiction. Why does he have nosebleeds? Duh. His drugs. He knows this.

    I wouldn't get into debates or arguments with him. It's the drugs talking. Or the lack of drugs that he craves. Either way, he isn't himself anymore. You're right. He is not the boy you knew.

    I don't think that mental health services can help this man while he is abusing drugs. One thing at a time. He needs to get drug free before he can even begin to gain anything from therapy. And he will be a drug addict all his life, just like my daughter. The addiction will always have to be part of his therapy. This is assuming he decides to one day get clean. Some people never get clean. You need to go on with your life and focus on the good in it. I think you're doing much better, finally seeing that you can not fix him. He's in a bad place and wants to stay there. If he was doing better, he would beg for help NOT using drugs, not try to bully you into taking him to ER so that he could get more drugs.

    Good for you for making progress.
  5. maril

    maril New Member

    Keep hanging in there and standing your ground. :thumbsup:
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You have come so far recently in regards to your difficult child. It is really wonderful to see the growth and the detachment that you are now able to approach the situation with.

    I am sorry he is so addicted. The nosebleeds are not something he needs the ER with. If they haven't already put him on the addict list then they will soon.

    Does he still have a house key? If he does then you need to take the logical step and change the locks. Keep the doors locked even (especially) if you are home. Keep your car in the garage if possible, esp if you have an attached garage. Do not let him in because it will be very hard to get him to leave unless he thinks you are giving in to his demands. It could result in a very dangerous situation.

    Be sure you have a phone in your pocket if he does come in the house or try to get in the car. If you need to, excuse yourself to the restroom and call the police..

    It hoovers that you need to do these things. But it is amazing that you are separating yourself from him. You have been enmeshed with him and it was a very unhealthy thing for both of you. By reading our posts, meetings, and whatever you are doing for therapy you are sounding much happier in general, and far more accepting that you cannot change him.

    I pray every day that he will decide to get clean and sober and stay that way. You are an amazing warrior mom and I hope you are very proud of yourself!
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    THat last word in your post says it all Stands - lol......duh. WHEN is he ever gonna get it?

    GOOD job.
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Just keep on keeping on....
    Yes, it seems he needs good mental health care.
    I like many things you said in your post.
    It's a tad complicated when we are the "moms."
    However, we are also human beings.
    And, you can not escape from that fact.
    You have to self preservere.
    You have to protect yourself. Your "child" is not a "child." He has to learn...learn to take care of himself. He has to seek mental health care for himself.
    You can provide some general assistance, when and only when, it is not enabling and when it does not interfere with your own life and own progress.
    You can hope in your heart that he changes, but you can't count on it.
    This is okay. You do not have control over him.
    However, you can hope and count on you changing, because you have control over that.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Susan you handled this situation very well. :D

    And you're wrong, dear. You have changed. And you are continuing to change and grow. You aren't the woman you were just a few months ago who would've been beside herself trying to decide if you should take him to ER, take him into the house, ect.

    You're learning not to enable. You're learning not to let another person take advantage of you or use you, you're learning not to be manipulated. Frankly, I'm proud of your progress. I have a feeling this new growth is carrying over into the rest of your life as well. I saw it with how you handled easy child and her husband with the dog sitting situation as well.

    Stay strong Susan. And try to enjoy the new you that is blossoming.:D

  10. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks all for helping me! Again - today I basically told him I was not going to do anything for him except take him to treatment. I was done. He called me a few names and I said some things I probably shouldnt have. He said well do you think I should go kill myself and I said I dont know - you are doing it anyway - I am just not going to help you. Call when you want help. Do not call me to take you anywhere but help. I will remember you the way you were - not the way you are now. He blasted me for not taking him to see my Dad. He and my Dad were so close - my Dad does not want him to come with pot or anything - my son basically said last time he wanted it and needed it and my Dad said no - every doctor my son has been to has told hiim to get help - he is making a choice of doing this again - I am so sad for it - I will pray that God forgives me for the things I said - he is onprobation too - hasnt even paid nor been to the probation office - they do nothing - it hurts me to be called names by him - it hurts so bad -
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susan, I heard all the names too. It's the drugs and his addiction calling you names, not him. I had to keep telling myself the same thing. Don't take it personally. Your other kids and your husband don't see you that way, but they are clearheaded and sane. Right now your difficult child is not. Please don't let him abuse you because of his choices. Don't waste time arguing with him. It's like arguing with a bottle of aspirin. Just walk away from him when he is abusive. (((Hugs)))
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    God understands. :)

    Maybe difficult child needed to hear what you had to say. High time he learn that you're not just his Mom but a person in your own right with feelings.

    I know his words hurt your mommy heart. But like MWM said, it's not him talking, it's the drugs/addiction. It does help to think of it that way.

  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    One day he will see.
  14. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I dont know Janet if he will see or not. He will either die before I do or maybe he will see after we are gone. I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like I just need to close the door - sometimes when we have our moments I want to remember them but then sometimes when we have bad moments and I dont know where he is or what state he is in that is hard - and then the next day he calls and says he is sorry and can I come andget him - the answer was no.
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    For him, you need to do nothing. Close the door. Let him find the key to open it.

    For you, you need to get on with your life.
  16. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I feel like I am doing that. It doesnt hurt me as bad to tell him no anymore - I dont know why he assumes I want to hear all the "details" of his life. I think I am going to start not answering my phone more often when I know it is him. Every once in a while I will - because he doesnt want to talk to me he just wants something for him - I hope one day that changes but all I can do right now is change me! I know if something happened to him I guess someone would come over to our house and let us know. It is a scary thought but I always think he will die before we do but maybe not - he might out live us but he might not live like we think he should - look at Michael Jackson he was still young but he lived to be 50! Amaziing. Thanks Witz.
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I just got a big chuckle imagining the next time difficult child is on the phone going on and on about his supposedly sad life your being very quiet until there is a pause, then saying "I have no clue what you were saying. I wasn't listening to you. Jeopardy's on. I gotta go."
  18. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    LOL! That is a good idea. I did tell him I had to go. He was rambling on about he didnt spend his money on Xanax he spent it on Oxycontin and methadone and got drunk and went to a bar............. and I said I dont know why you are telling your MOTHER this but I have to go - bye - love you! I was totally disgusted and I know now that I have to accept the fact that he may die. I am accepting that. It makes me SO SAD. I hope God gives me the grace to go through the tragedy of losing him. I feel I have already lost him - emotionally. He wants me for nothing except for what he can get for himself from me. It makes my mother heart break. I was so close to him and he was my "love" - my first child - for a long time.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susan, no mother should have to listen to her child destroying himself. Tell him, "I won't listen to what you've been doing." Hang up on him if he tells you about his drug taking. My daughter never told me anything until after she got clean. I would have done worse if I'd known every detail while it was going on. PLease refuse to listen. That's torturing yourself.

    Actually, many drug addicts live a long time. Don't keep focusing on his death. MJ was 50! Elvis was 42. Many live long, sad lives. Some decide to get clean. Remember there is always hope BUT you can't do anything. He has to do it. (((Hugs)))
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Mackenzie Phillips, who's dad was in the Mama's and Papa's band, was a huge drug user. She was in the series "One Day at a Time" with the newly divorced mom who had two daughters. She later got clean and was in a Disney Channel series, So Weird. In an interview she said that even though she got clean she has permanent damage to some of her organs.

    Even with damage, She is 40 now. It isn't an automatic death sentence. But MWM is totally right.

    Hang up if he tells you what he is doing. Tell him that you refuse to listen to him or speak with him when he is high or talking about getting high or whatever he does for money to get high. Even if he talks about going to the doctor HANG UP. He is only going to get pills.

    You are really progressing in detachment. It is great to hear. I am sure your other kids will like having a renewed mom who is taking less interest in their druggy brother and more interest in them. Your attachment to difficult child had to be tough on them, esp the younger one who had so many things stolen by difficult child and by his friends.

    Make sure you are going to 3 or 4 meetings a week, especially right now as you find your way to healthier interests.
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