difficult child too disruptive, put to sick leave and coming home for few days

[SuZir]

difficult child has been getting increasingly argumentative during last two weeks and today his coaches decided he is being too much of a disruption right now. Regular season is coming to the end very soon and they can't afford any disruptions so the behaviour they could had dealt with for example during fall (and did) is too much right now. So difficult child is sent home to regroup for few days and told to be back to train with their injured squad/alone with one of the trainers at Monday morning. If he is able to get his behaviour together they will consider taking him off the injured list after few days and in time for the first playoff game. He has still been playing well so they could use him. But they also got people out from injured list so they don't absolutely need difficult child right now. So now he is with 'upper body injury' (hey, they are not even lying, I guess things between your ears are in the upper part of your body...) and I will pick him up from train station after work.

I'm not thrilled at all. difficult child is being sent home to rest and have a breather, but I'm not at all sure we can offer him that. husband is very frustrated with difficult child and tends to think his acting up is sheer wilfulness. He is also having really hard time copying with whole situation. easy child is little ambivalent how to relate to things we have told him and things he keeps hearing from others. And difficult child himself is seethingly angry. Feels he is being treated unfairly and that there are double standards going on, that he was used and that his positional coach betrayed him. He kind of has even some reason to feel that way. Sending him home is, according to his coach, a pre-emptive strike because his behaviour is getting worse and they would rather deal with it now than during the most important games of the season. And others really are getting away with same type of behaviours even now.

I almost dread having him home in this situation, but I can't really go out and tell him he can't come home either, now can I. I did tell husband that I would think it a great idea if he would find something to do outside of home for this evening for himself and I did send the text to easy child and suggested that he may want to do an essay he needs to do in library tonight. If difficult child is being at the same mood he is now still after train trip I would rather deal with it on my own and not to play referee between him and husband and easy child on top of that.

 

[JJJ]

Oy! Good luck.

It is hard to tell him not to be angry because he has every right to be furious about what happened. Maybe acknowledging that his anger is justified would help him feel validated ? Later maybe he could understand that by losing control of his anger he is letting that past incident steal his future.

Sending your extra warrior mom energy!

 

[DDD]

Sending my most supportive thoughts your way. You are walking a tightrope and (even though I have absolutely NO right to do so) it chaps me off that husband can't "man up" enough to at least role play if that's what is needed for difficult child's mental health and recovery.

In fact I wonder if that is not what difficult child is waiting for. You and your difficult child are tight as ticks and I thoroughly understand that as it is true of me and easy child/difficult child. on the other hand sports guys live in and are surrounded by "guys" judging their skills, emotions, reactions etc. When we went thru our "similar" but not so severe issues my husband cried in my presence (one of two times in 37 years of marriage), he hugged easy child/difficult child to affirm his love but he has never been able to sit and listen and talk and "hash out" the trauma with easy child/difficult child. I don't think that a conversation or two would have lessened the negative impact much but I do think have your male role model reaching out one on one and letting you know that they are and will continue to be at your side might have had an impact. Moms are very important for sure but Dad's support may even be more important. Hugs DDD

 

[gsingjane]

Hi from a newbie... a parent with a difficult child who also has many talents, but somehow cannot seem to tap into them...

Is your difficult child at boarding school or training camp or college? I feel like I sort of don't understand the situation - is he coming home for a break, or can he do his work from home, or is there no schoolwork?

I've also been a "sports parent" for many years and I can really see what kind of dilemma difficult child's coaching staff is in. They are also walking a fine line - have to figure out how to deal with challenges to their authority as coaches, keep up team morale, nurture individual players' talents, do the best for the team as a whole but also for the specific athletes. It's a tall order! I know with my daughters' teams, sometimes coaches will err on the side of "coming down hard" on a kid, because they see it as best for the team, even though it might not feel super-fair to that particular kid. I have learned to bite my tongue and just ride with coaching decisions whether I agree with them or not (as you seem to, as well).

I give your difficult child a lot of credit for sticking with the team. Even for a easy child, trying for an athletic career or just success is very hard! My older easy child (daughter) had the chance to compete at a very high-level venue last weekend, and it was incredibly stressful for her... and she's a pretty stable and level-headed kid. I can just imagine how it is to struggle with psychological issues AND try to do high-level competition! Yikes!

 

[SuZir]

gsingjane: Long story short: We are European, so different sport system here. difficult child plays for adult pro team and is done with school for now. He lives three hours from us together with his girlfriend. He is still junior aged and because having quite a sophomore slump this fall (last season was his first at pros, he did very well then) he even played few games on his pro teams own junior team this season. But after Christmas he has been doing better again at field. Problems are now more off the field. He has had quite a lot of problems before and his team has helped him work through those. Our newest issue is, that few weeks ago something traumatic for difficult child came up. It happened few years ago (and has certainly been a big contributor to his issues since), but we didn't know about it. Now it is more or less out in the open (luckily still only at rumour mill, we fear it may end up to publicity some day) and we are dealing with ramifications of that. difficult child does have different (mostly stricter) rules than most of his team mates for several reasons and they were just made even more strict to help him deal with this crisis. We do believe it is good for difficult child, but he doesn't like it. And that is not really required either. And it is not only difficult child who has difficulties copying with this issue. It is huge also for me and my husband. You always want to protect your child from big bad world and when you learn you have been an utter failure in that... Well, it is not easy.

Anyway, difficult child is now home and watching tv. And being very obnoxious. easy child luckily did take a hint and is at the library and husband also left. He was here when we came and really didn't help situation. It wasn't so much what he said or even didn't said but his non-verbal communication. He is frustrated and difficult child annoyed him in purpose. I have to say that first time ever it came to my mind that it could turn to physical altercation. I'm one of those people who always subconsciously checks exit routes in case of fire etc. and now I noticed myself planning for the possibility that husband and difficult child would end up with the fight. And that is a scary thought, none of my guys are petite and it could get really ugly. I'm sure neither husband or difficult child even thought it could end up into fight, especially when they were not even arguing that much. But husband is so overbearing and dominating with him and difficult child is so very angry that it came to my mind that someday difficult child may not back off any more.

And he is certainly trying to pick up a fight with me. Pushing my buttons like no one else can and I'm counting up and down to thousand the third time already and he has been home less than two hours now.

 

[BusynMember]

How soon can he possibly go back? Sounds like it's tense with him there. Of course, really sorry he had to leave in the first place. He must feel terrible.

 

[SuZir]

How soon can he possibly go back? Sounds like it's tense with him there. Of course, really sorry he had to leave in the first place. He must feel terrible.

Well, he didn't come with his car so he has to take a train or bus also back. There are about ten daily train connections and maybe fifteen buses to his town so he can pretty much leave when he wants. He was just suggested to come home by his coaches and he wanted to come. Of course no one could tell him there he has to spend his free time, he was just told to take off few days and be back at Monday morning. And I'm not going to tell him that he is not welcomed here even if it is little tense and even if he is obnoxious. And neither is husband even if difficult child does annoy him to no end. And to be fair, difficult child is certainly doing his very best to be annoying just now.

I'm sitting on my computer and shooting bubbles just to keep myself calm enough not to engage myself. easy child isn't yet back and neither is husband and I hope they stay out an hour or more still.

 

[SuZir]

brokemyheart:)

That about sums my feelings right now. difficult child is sleeping, has been some time already (and it is barely 10 p.m. here.) He really made his best to annoy me. To be honest, he wasn't only childish but almost childlike in his attempts. For example when I didn't get engaged he finally literally stomped upstairs and to his room and went to his bed to read (and fell asleep, I just went and fished the book out and turned off the lights.) That is extremely childish even for him. And his ability to push my every button is unbeatable. On the other hand he is so heartbreakingly hurt and tired it is really difficult to bear. Life is very hard on him just now.

Also husband and easy child are back home and surprisingly husband is quite sheepish. Apparently his dad read him a riot act on how he treats difficult child. I'm really surprised. You have to understand that father in law is about the mildest, non-confrontational, keep peace in any cost-person there is. And he really doesn't meddle to his children's lives but let's them do their own decisions. Okay, difficult child is his oldest grandchild, real gramps' boy, but still I can't remember him ever intervening to our parenting in any way. According to husband he did now and told him how husband would never forgive himself if he would make some irreparable damage to their relationship and that doing so could be easy now that difficult child is so hurt and raw. husband actually seems to have listened, so that at least is good. I took an opportunity and talked to him about his body language and way of speaking to difficult child when he is frustrated. I told him that while it was often needed to go into difficult child space and even grab him from shoulders or take his face between your hands when he was young to get him to listen, getting into his face and being too authoritative really isn't working now. I also asked him to pay attention how some other male authoritative figures in his life talk to difficult child and how much better that works. Especially if things get heated some of them (father in law being a good example but also difficult child's former positional coach whom he really likes and his mental coach) do take a step or two back, give him more space and even sit down to be less imitating while talking to him. And difficult child seems to react to that kind of body language much better than husband's habit to get into his face.

I think husband at least heard me, if not anything else.

I do hope difficult child is able to sleep through night and tomorrow is better. Today there was no way to have any kind of real discussion with him about anything. He was just spoiling for fight.

 

[buddy]

Keep using all your tools. You're doing great.

It's awful to feel so on guard. Keep shooting bubbles. Get that high score!

Hugs

 

[DDD]

OMG I am SO glad that father in law is trying to get husband to step up to the plate and "man up". I really, truly, wholeheartedly believe that husband is what difficult child needs most right now. husband has NOT always been perfect. He is playing the role of a near perfect man because........because that is what men do, especially during crisis. If in the depths of difficult child's heart he truly believes that he can NEVER meet his Dad's expectations AND he has had a terrible experience that his Dad can not even acknowledge.............it does not bode well for his future. Coaches are important. girlfriend's are important. Peers are important. Mom's are really important. BUT, bottom line, DAD is the most important supporter and your difficult child needs his Dad. Yeah for father in law!!!!!!!! DDD

 

[recoveringenabler]

difficult child coming home spoiling for a fight, makes a lot of sense to me, he's bringing all that hurt and anger home to a safe place where he can express it all. Of course, that's pretty weird for the rest of you, but it makes a certain amount of sense too. I'm glad father in law talked to husband, hopefully husband will be able to make some changes. I agree with DDD that difficult child needs his Dad now, needs to be accepted for who he is and what happened to him. husband will have so suck it up and be present for difficult child while difficult child is in all this turmoil.

Even though it feels bad, it appears to be an opportunity for your family to shift gears together and form healthier connections. Sometimes I've found that naming the Elephant in the room is helpful to everyone who is busy trying to avoid it. I don't know if that is the case here, but perhaps stating that "everyone is upset about what has happened to difficult child recently and we are all grappling to find our footing, so rather then attack each other, judge, criticize, blame or retreat, lets try to be aware that we're all hurting and angry and see if we can find a way to work it out together." Sometimes these big upsets are opportunities to grow and heal. Your father in law certainly stepped up to the plate, I hope husband can do it too and then maybe difficult child can learn to love and accept himself more. Lots of hugs and warm wishes that this turns out to be a positive experience for all of you.

 

[welcometowitsend]

Suzir - Sounds like a tough start to the weekend. Maybe once difficult child has had some rest and a good sleep he will be in a somewhat better mood or at least able to think through his feelings better.

I'm guessing that if they are nearing the end of the season, that on top of his recent crisis, he's probably tired and needs some rest. My easy child is very active in dance (dancing 4 nights a week for 4 hours and Saturdays for 3 hours) and by the time of year I start to see it take its toll on her and she is very tired.

I'm glad father in law had a talk with husband and hopefully husband will really take it to heart and make an effort to try some different approaches with difficult child. I'm sure he loves his son very much and wants the best for him but quite often men don't understand the best approach and often want to go 'old school' on their kids.

Best of luck this weekend. Hopefully difficult child gets what he needs in order to return to his coaches on Monday.

 

[SuZir]

father in law continues to be great. When I left to work this morning difficult child was still asleep (and I think he had slept through the night, at least he wasn't up or turned on lights in any point, I would had woken) and now that I came home, he and dogs are gone and there is a note saying he took the dogs and borrowed husband's off-track skis and went ice fishing with gramps. Day outdoors, doing something totally different, peace, quiet and no stress and just being with his granddad is certainly good for difficult child. If we are lucky they may even catch something.

What happened is something that is likely to make difficult child question himself as a man and he really lives in very guy-heavy life, because of his sport. Other men and what they think about him are even more important to him than for other young men (and it is very important to them too.) And I agree that husband's support and acceptance would be most important to difficult child right now. And I certainly hope husband can man up and give him that. But also having father in law's support and acceptance is huge to difficult child. father in law, being (now retired) part time farmer and living right next to us and taking difficult child with him a lot to 'help him' in farming and being avid outdoors person and fisher and hunter, has always been a big role model of the manly man to difficult child. Some ways even more so than husband with his desk job.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Yay for gramps!!

 

[SuZir]

Certainly yay for gramps.

difficult child got back much calmer and with perches. He was again very early to bed but while he was tired also tonight, it felt somehow more healthy kind of tired than yesterday. He is skittish and it is easy to see he is having very tough time but still improvement from yesterday certainly. I hope he is even better mood tomorrow or Sunday and would be ready to talk a little. difficult child and father in law came back late and as I said, difficult child was quick to go to bed but what he was here with us, things were much less tense between him and husband and he even managed to be, well, nice would not be the word I would use, but maybe appropriately big-brotherly to easy child.

But yeah, husband has to take some steps to reassure difficult child and there is little I can do to that.

 

[buddy]

Just checking in… hoping your day's are going ok. Hug!

 

[SuZir]

Thanks Buddy! We have had a good day. difficult child has been in much better mood today. Not trying to purposely annoy and even had a good time with easy child playing snow soccer (don't ask, doesn't make much sense but produces lots of loud noise, squabble and wet, red cheeked, very hungry boys.) And husband and difficult child have had a long talk. I'm not privy to the details but both seemed calm after it.

But anyway this has been a good day. There is something off with difficult child that is nagging me, but I can't put my finger on it. But I don't think it is anything alarming, just something that bothers me a bit but that I can't really quite put to thoughts or words. It's not that he is sleeping really a lot, though that too seems off. I think he has slept over 12 hours now two nights in a row and still he had a long nap today.

 

[HaoZi]

Excessive sleeping can be a sign of depression.

 

[DDD]

I am not the most religious person on the Board but I am sincerely praying that your husband "gets it" and steps up to the plate in hopes of asuring difficult child's sense of self for the future. Hugs DDD

 

[SuZir]

Excessive sleeping can be a sign of depression.

Yeah, I have been thinking also that. Then again he reports he hasn't been sleeping, has had major trouble both falling asleep and especially waking up frequently or waking up and not getting back to sleep at all. especially he hasn't been able to sleep at all in more challenging circumstances (team bus, shared hotel room etc. common places for the to sleep.) Not sleeping of course is also a classic sign of depression. His first night home could had been because of that, a night before was spent in bus so even if he had slept there it would be understandable to be tired and need more sleep. But difficult child doesn't usually need that much sleep, so two nights over 12 hours and naps on top of that is excessive for him. Luckily he does have his next psychiatrist appointment soon. I'm sure she will ask him about these matters.

DDD, thanks. I certainly do hope too that husband will be able to convey it to difficult child, that he does love him, believes in him and is there for him - even if husband does have troubles to get him or understand him and his choices and actions or has difficulty to relate to him at times.