difficult child update - Not getting any better

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by welcometowitsend, Mar 19, 2013.

  1. Last week was March break for our kids. difficult child had a doctors appointment on Monday and he agreed to go - so after I tracked him down via a friend (he overslept because he'd been up all night, wasn't answering his phone and hadn't given me his friends address) I picked him up and took him to the appointment. The doctor tried to talk to him about his life choices and how some of the choices he is making right now can affect his entire future but difficult child wasn't about to listen to any of that.

    Since he is more or less stable on his antidepressants (although difficult child admits to not taking them every day - sometimes every other day, sometimes only 2 x a week) the doctor said it might be time to introduce medications for his ADHD. I was a little surprised but thought "Well, maybe this will help difficult child organize himself, remember things better and focus on schoolwork..... if he chooses to."

    The doctor made it clear that he was not about to prescribe Concerta unless I was willing to give it to difficult child on a daily basis or get the woman difficult child is living with to dole it out. I've never met this woman who I will call C, she lives in an apartment building and I have no way of contacting her, difficult child will not give me her phone number and she has apparently never felt the need to get in touch with me about my child that is living on her couch. I'm not about to purchase a prescription that can be sold as a street drug, provide my drivers license and sign for it at the drug store and then hand it over to a complete stranger or my difficult child. That would be stupidity.

    So, I told difficult child that I would be willing to drive to his school every morning and meet him at 9am (totally inconvenient for me but I would do it if it helped him) to give him his medication. difficult child refused that and informed me that I should give him the pills and he would be responsible for taking them himself. Ha! No way. So, we are at a standstill and I guess difficult child will not find out if this medication can help him because he won't be getting it.

    In the meantime I got a call from a Child Psychiatric clinic at our hospital about an intake appointment for difficult child. I've called them back and left a message but I'm wondering if this is a complete waste of time. difficult child probably won't even go to the clinic. I'm so frustrated with his lack of personal care and inability or unwillingness to do anything positive for himself.

    I'm pretty sure one of his friends parents is buying him cigarettes and difficult child is selling them at school. It is illegal to smoke under age 18 here and they are supposed to ID anyone that looks under the age of 25 when buying cigarettes. difficult child says he has found a store that will sell him cigarettes because he looks old enough. I'm pretty sure it's his friend J's mom that's buying them. Why not, she buys their alcohol for them too. He gave his friend J $10 (which is how much a pack of cigarettes cost) when I picked him up for the doctors appointment.. I'm thinking it was either for cigarettes or alcohol. Ugh. And he had at least another $40 on him.

    I offered to buy difficult child the book he needs to read for his English class to get caught up but he didn't want me to do that - wanted to get it for himself. That tells me that he has no intention of getting caught up. When I asked him about his March Break plans he certainly didn't include any time to get caught up in either math or english. Sigh. He will fail these 2 classes for sure. Looks like he may get 3 credits in total for this school year.

    I never hear from him. He has made zero effort to get in touch with me for at least 2 months. It's always me contacting him.

    On a positive note he insisted on paying for his own lunch after the doctors appointment and asked about his sister (who he has spoken to once in the last 6 months). I gave him her cell phone number and he texted her that day but has made no effort since then to contact her and i doubt he will.

    As for me, I had the 48 hour holter monitor test done for my heart palpitations last weekend. They said 5 - 7 business days for results so I guess I will find out the results some time next week. Still waiting for this to get easier or something.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    WTW, when I read your posts I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.....and I also don't want to discourage you even more with my tale of woe about my difficult child who is YOUR age..........but the responses are so similar, the choices the same, it is a sad tale. And, of course, your difficult child is so young and could change, there is always hope.

    For me, the only thing that has kept me sane and able to function in a healthy and actually pretty peaceful and joyful way, was to get MEGA support to detach from the shenanigans of my difficult child. To go through all of the resentments, sorrows, disappointments, drama, cavalier attitudes, all of it, was really just too much for me. You are essentially at the beginning of that path, and I am all the way over on the other end..........but the weary, wounded mother's heart is the same. So, my advice......... get yourself LOTS of support, do nourishing, nurturing, fun things for yourself, put your focus on YOU, take care of YOU. I also do acupuncture on a regular basis, which is great for de-stressing, that's helped me a lot. Yoga, massage, therapy, parent groups, all of it helps. You're walking on a very difficult road and the bottom line is that you won't be able to do much to change your difficult child, but you can make a world of difference changing how you respond to him. Lots of big hugs coming your way............
  3. RE - Your posts never discourage me. I have fears that my difficult child may go down the same road as many of the difficult child's on this board. He is young yet and there is still hope that he'll turn himself around but I also see so much of him in other difficult child's here on this board that I often wonder what the future will bring. The not knowing what is to come is hard sometimes.

    I find this forum so helpful - even if it's just because I know I am not alone in this.

    You are very right about the need to take care of myself. Of course the recent health scare with the heart palpitations has made me realize that. They are quite likely due to stress and probably not harmful in the immediate future but I need to realize that the stress is affecting my health and my body. I've started exercising again which is a great stress reliever and for my birthday some friends gave me a spa gift certificate that I can probably get 4 massages out of. I think I will schedule a massage for myself next week and get started with that. And you're right about the support group also - our support group that we go to is wonderful and has been a huge help to husband and I. Some of the information we can't really do anything with because difficult child is not living with us and we don't have a lot of contact but it can stay in our back pockets until such time as we do need it.

    Thank you so much for your words of support.
  4. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I'm on your side, and I totally feel for you. I hope you do take advantage of the spa gift certificate and take more time out for yourself each day. Meditation, prayer, whatever works for you. You offer to make all sorts of sacrifices for difficult child, and he's just hesitant to accept your efforts, for whatever reasons. He needs so much help, but he has to want to accept it, as crazy as that sounds. He is young...he will come around. You see the improvement in many of our board difficult children lately, but it takes maturity and time and many slips along the way. I hope he accepts help soon.
  5. Wakegirl

    Wakegirl Member

    WWE, just wanted you to know that I can sympathize with how you are feeling. I also dealt with the heart palpitations. They were so bad one night, that I was moments away from going to the ER. And probably should have. I did go to my doctor the next day, and had several tests done. The verdict? Stress. Stress takes a tremendous toll on our bodies, and can cause our body to do strange things. Please take care of YOU, and don't ever lose hope for your difficult child. Never allow him to doubt how much you love him, even if it's by simply sending him a text and saying you hope he's doing ok, every once in a while. Remind him periodically that you're there for him when he's ready for help. That's all you can really do. Be optimistic in knowing that he will eventually come around. Negative thoughts fix nothing, and only hurt you. Please take care.
  6. Calamity - Thank you. I have to sit back and learn to have more patience for this process that we are going through. difficult child has a long way to go to reach maturity and I'm going to have to step back and learn how to relax so I can wait him out.

    Wakegirl - Those heart palpitations can be so scary, can't they? After my conversation with difficult child yesterday about his medications my heart was just pounding. Then I started shaking. When that happens it's like my whole body is doing a little mini earthquake - kept up most of the night, unfortunately. I'm doing better with that today, thankfully.

    Thank you for the reminder to make sure he knows we love him and are there for him when he is ready to make a change. I am usually pretty good about telling him I love him when I talk to him and giving him a hug when I see him but although I spoke calmly yesterday, I was very angry with him and did not tell him I loved him. I did tell him I'd go to the ends of the earth to help him though.
  7. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I had really let my difficult child's actions affect my health. It did nothing for him, only made me sick. I am still doing the 'difficult child dance' with a 34yo and I just can't do it any more. I wish I had learned to detach much sooner.

    My difficult child stills asks for money and when I refuse he threatens suicide and sends nasty messages. I have called the police when he talks about suicide and he tells them he is not. He may actually do it one day. He posts strange messages on FB and he is in the relationship from h***. She is just like him, if not worse!

    Do not give up hope, EVER, but do learn to detach and face the fact that there is nothing you can do for him unless he wants you too. The lack of control was hard for me to accept. I have given mine plenty of numbers for help and he just lies and says he is going. So I finally accepted he is an adult and all of the worrying I was doing doesn't help.

    (((huggs only a parent going through this can understand the pain)))