difficult child upped the ante ~ police and ambulance were here

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kathy813, Nov 9, 2011.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child continued the barrage of bizarre texts. I ignored them all day but answered the phone when I was leaving school. difficult child said she was in our driveway and not returning to the halfway house. I told her that we had a criminal trespassing order against her and that she had to leave or I would call the police when I got there. She then said she was going to kill herself.

    When I got home (luckily I only live 2 miles from my school), I was relieved to find the driveway empty. However, when I opened the garage door, difficult child's car was in the garage running and she was laying with her head back in the front seat. I quickly opened the car door and she was responsive. I don't know how long it was running but couldn't have been more than a few minutes.

    I immediately called 911 and they sent an ambulance and police. Of course, she denied that she had tried to kill herself and since her vitals were good, they were not able to force her to go to the hospital. In the meantime, she kept up her tirade about how awful I was because I wouldn't give her a second chance and was forcing her to go to a place where people were smoking meth in her room. She told them that her counselor had recommended a contract to live at home to give her a second chance which made me look like a witch since I refused to let her stay here. I stood firm, though, and told them she had a zillion chances and that she was lucky that we were even paying for the halfway house.

    The police arrived shortly after the ambulance and the EMT's turned it over to the police. I told the policewoman that we had a criminal trespassing order and she asked me if I wanted difficult child arrested. I said that I would rather that she just leave. The police officer told difficult child that she would usually be arrested but since I was okay with just letting her leave, she needed to leave immediately. difficult child tried to pull a fast one saying that her tire was almost flat the the police officer told her to get out of the car because she was going to be under arrest. difficult child quickly changed her mind and decided to leave instead.

    She left but has been trying to call me and text me non-stop. I am ignoring it.

    difficult child also texted me earlier that some guy at the halfway house last night saw her crying and asked why and when she told him that we wouldn't let her come back home he offered to break into our house and rob us for her. I hope that was one of her made up stories.

    So I guess we now see if she goes back to the halfway house. She seems frantic not to go there but refuses to go a different halfway house either.

    When will this stop? I know you all say that I can stop the chaos when I choose to but she showed up at my house. How do I control that?

  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    You can't control it. I am so so sorry that you are going through this. My heart is breaking for you. I am amazed by your strength and I wish you a peaceful night
  3. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Next time she tells you she's there, have the police arrive before you do. You're paying for the halfway house, right? Call and see if she broke the required program and can be "grounded" for a while. Or put it all on her and make her pay her own way or do without. Make sure if you call that you inform them she's telling people that roommates are smoking meth and whatnot. Get her whole room tossed by them.
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Wow - It really does sound as if she was attempting to kill herself - even if it was just for attention - that was a pretty brazen display of suicidal tendencies. If you had not come home, than what?
    I am surprised that the police did not take her in for a 72 hour hold. Really surprised! Is there anyway that can still happen? She sounds pretty sick.

    I am SO so sorry this is happening! It just makes me sick for you - certainly keep holding strong on not letting her come home - she will finally get the message.
  5. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    So sorry you had to go through that. Hugs to you!
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The EMT's explained to me that the law changed about 6 years ago and that they can't force a person to go to the hospital over a threat. Since it was her word against mine, they couldn't force her to go if her vitals were good and she refused to go.

    They were very apologetic and very understanding. I could tell that they really wanted her to go. They kept talking amongst themselves and kept trying different tests but said there was nothing they could do.
  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Wow...I am so sorry Kathy. I would imagine you would have to invoke the Baker's Act if you wanted her to be hospitalized.
  8. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I feel so bad for you. I would think between your phonecall and the texts on your phone - that would be enough to admit her on a pysch hold. I know it probably wouldn't have changed anything long term - but you would get a few nights of peace.

    As for her "friend" at the 1/2way house - I would consider a motion activated light outside as well as a few alarm stickers and "beware of dog" signs at your entries. You are such a loving and caring mom and I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this.
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I showed them the texts including the one where she said that she needed to go to the hospital that was sent right before I got home. They said that still wasn't enough because it is not against the law to threaten to kill yourself. They said it used to be that they could force them to go to the hospital for a threat but it resulted in too may lawsuits and the law was changed.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    As I suggested before, I think a lot of your questions and frustrations can be addressed if you start going to Alanon.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy I am so sorry you are going through this, this is torture for a mother to have to endure. You are being torn apart. It is all so very sad. I've been through some pretty awful times with difficult child where we did have to callt he police to have difficult child removed, once during a freezing snow storm and she only had a flimsy coat and tennis shoes on. My heart was broken in a million pieces so I sort of know what you are feeling. There is no answer to this. Even if she were hospitalized from my experience it's only temporary and doesn't solve the problem.

    Perhaps when she is in a more rational state of mind you can tell her that you are willing to help her find a reputable sober house that she feels safe in and put the ball back in her court.

    Again I am so sorry. I wish we lived closer.

    Klmno I really don't want to say anything against al-anon because they are a godsend, but they will not deal with her current situation. They won't give her advice or even listen to her story. It is their hope that by going back every week you learn to live your life and not try to fix difficult child. That is fine in the long run and I certainly subscribe to it, but I went to so many meetings with so much I wanted to say and just be listened to and that's not in the agenda. It's why I wish those of us on this board who are living with addiction could have our own group, that we lived closer together to help each other.

  12. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hugs, Kathy.

    First off, there's not a chance you looked like a witch in anyone's eyes because you refused to allow your 26 y/o daughter to live at home. Nope. Not at all.

    How did she get in the garage? Is it time to re-key all the locks?

    I think the only way you regain control is to enforce the criminal trespass order each and every time she comes to your home. You will regain control of your life, anyway.

    I think a healthy dose of anger at her manipulations might be in good order as well. This isn't the first time she's threatened to hurt herself, it's not the first time you've had EMTs/police at your home because of her antics. You are not responsible for the quality of her life - she is. Absolutely nothing about her current situation is because of your choices. She keeps trying to lay it at your feet - you need to give it right back to *her* to own.

    You have the right to protect your own quality of life, and that includes not coming home to find your daughter in a running car in your garage. Really.... I'm just gobsmacked at that one. Takes a heck of a lot of nerve. It's really a shame they couldn't put her on a 72-hour hold. At least there would have been some kind of logical consequence. Unfortunately, seems like the authorities put it back in your court and the only thing you're left with- is the trespass order.

    I just don't know. You have bent over backwards time and again, trying to get her on the right path. She makes half-hearted efforts, in my cynical opinion just enough to keep you enmeshed in her struggles, but she wants what she wants without being willing to honestly work towards it.

    I guess the question really is, when will it stop? In my very little world here with- my own difficult child, it started to stop when I quit being an audience. My favorite phrase became "You're an adult, it's not my problem, and I don't need to know." It was a hard stance to adopt, but for us anyway, I think it was the right one.

    My heart aches for you, truly. Turn the phone off, get some rest.
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    klmno, unless there had been an Al-Anon meeting in my garage this afternoon, I don't think that is the answer. I know that I have only been to one meeting and they suggest at least six before making a decision, but it didn't seem to be what I was looking for. I need to be able to talk about my difficult child and ask for advice when I need it. Like the CD board in person.

    I'm actually thinking about counseling for husband and me . . . someone to talk to about difficult child and give us support. We've been to so many bad ones over the years with difficult child, though, that I don't know where to find a good one.

    slsh~ that is a good question. I was shocked to see her car in the garage. We have a codepad outside the garage door but we didn't think she knew the code. Neither of us had given it to her. husband is not home right now but when he gets home he is going to change the code. What really has me worried is that she has had access to our house if she has known the code all along. We don't ever lock the door from the garage into the house. We will now.

    As far as me looking like a witch, the woman EMT seemed pretty sympathetic to difficult child. She took me aside to talk to me as if I was the one causing the problems. She even attributed difficult child's antics in the garage as "teenage drama." I asked her to repeat herself because I wasn't sure I heard her right. When she repeated it, I pointed out that difficult child was 26 years old.
  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Kathy, I could be wrong about this but it doesn't appear to me that you really want to detach. That's why I suggested Alanon. Your daughter was telling the truth when she told cops/EMT that she didn't really want to kill herself- if she had wanted to kill herself she wouldn't have been in a garage knowing you'd be there in 10 mins and the proof is that her vitals were normal, she was conscious and responsive, she called you and told you what it would take to make you jump home, etc. I'm just trying to help you see how caught up you are in living in the middle in this but I am not trying to make you defensive. You say you just want people who you can talk to about her and about this stuff- so Alanon isn't right for you. OK- do you REALLY want to spend the rest of your life caught up in talking about your difficult child's antics? because that's exactly how she's keeping you in this.
  15. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Ok - I am asking for it - and ... I don't think the Al Anon is a bad idea...and I am not harping on KLMNO...or speaking for Kathy...I am just stating how I feel

    That said - there is no way in hell I could ever detach myself from my adult child trying to kill herself in my garage. Even if she was bluffing. Because you know what - I don't what my child to call my bluff. I AM A MOTHER. And while I think that Kathy's daughter may have been bluffing this time -- she may not be bluffing the next time. Isn't that how it happens?

    My cyber friends, I don't know you. I really like you in the abstract and I certainly appreciate every single one of you. But I wouldn't know you if you showed up on my doorstep. But rest assured - If I saw any single one of you (ie: a stranger) about to be hit by a bus, I would push you out of the way. Even if I risked my own life doing so.

    And I wouldn't want to live any other way.

    But that's just me... I am a very flawed person, I am not tooting my own horn...but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try to save someone. Even if I was being foolhardy.

    So yes, I think we all need to grow some pretty thick skin in regards to our difficult children. And I we need to know how not to be manipulated and how to stop enabling drug use. But detachment wise - I always need to err on the side of being a mother first. And only we can draw that line for ourselves. I am sorry if people disagree. But I couldn't live with myself any other way... at least for now. Maybe I will feel differently someday, but I think I know deep in my heart that I will NEVER cut every thread that binds me to difficult child.

    Kathy went to work today...she probably washed her hair and brushed her teeth, had a conversation over lunch, WENT TO WORK did her job pretty well, made a difference in the lives of some math students, maybe ran an errand or two.

    I spend a lot of time on this board talking about my difficult child (because I am procrastinating at work lately) BUT that's not my life...it's just my life HERE. I am making a roast pork loin with sweet potatoes and pears as I type, I did 2 loads of laundry, made a lunch date for Friday, paid some bills, started making Christmas gift lists, wrapped a gift, corresponded with friends about plans for the weekend, ironed my new dress and talked to my mom.

    And I know that difficult child's antics can't be my whole/rest of life and that's why I am here. Because I worry and I fret and I don't want it to consume me and I want to preserve what relationship we have while keeping my distance and I know you guys understand!! If I take it outside of this circle to my "real" life - I could be on my way to letting it take over. And I won't let that happen...Know what I mean??
  16. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Kathy, I totally understand your need to talk things out - that is why Alanon wasn't for me, either. Unfortunately, I usually talk to co-workers about my difficult child issues. Most of them are fascinated and listen as if they are watching a soap, but it is probably not the right place to discuss such things. I come here as often as I can and spill it here and it helps a LOT. Wish I was close to your area - I would LOVE to meet for coffee and vent. :)

    About your difficult child - I have to say that I am sitting here with my mouth to the floor. That is just so brazen! And it is completely unbelievable to me that she would be throwing a tantrum because Mommy and Daddy won't let her live at home. She is 26. At 26 I was married with two children!! I just find it so bizarre. She needs a lot of help but it is so obvious she is just not ready. I think she went through the program to appease you thinking it was a ticket back home. I don't think she did it for herself at all. So sad. I am so sorry. :(
  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Unless you live with this kind of chaos you really cannot imagine what it's like. The only way you can detach is if your difficult child is out of your life and you don't have to live with the day to day turmoil. It's easy to say just detach, it's impossible to do when the person is sitting in the car in your garage. You can call the police and you can have her arrested and you can turn off you phone and you can put locks on your door, but a mom is a mom and your heart is torn apart.

    Does Kathy want this to stop, of course she does. Does she need someone to talk to about this craziness, yes she does. Unless you have been to al-anon meetings you think they have some majic way of helping you detach. They don't. It's an hour where you do readings and meditate about that reading. Your problem is still there when you leave. You have an hour to break the thought process, that's it. I kept going back and back waiting to be enlightened, waiting to get it, waiting for the ah-ha moment that never came. Like I said I don't want to say anything bad about it because it's a wonderful program for some, but when you are in the throws of a crisis it's never helped me.

    Kathy I think you are doing all you can right now. You blocked her calls, you had the police make her leave, you told her she cannot come back home. You know she cries wolf and that she is not going to hurt herself. You have been incredibly strong through all this. Your daughter will continue to escalate until she thinks you will break. Continue to tell her you love her but that she needs help and you will help her find a safe sober house.

  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm not suggesting that any of us turn our backs if we think there is any minute reason to think our kid, or anyone, is about to kill him/herself. But it appears to me that Kathy's daughter is manipulating the koi out of her. She says she wants it to stop but it doesn't appear to me she's willing to do anything to make it stop. It appears to me that all her actions are bandaid solutions that in actuality, allow the hamster wheel to keep turning. It appears to me that the answers Kathy is asking for and the only ones many are willing to accept are 'answers' that serve only to keep that hamster wheel going- as if any other answer would be giving up as a parent or accepting failure as a parent or some other horrible thing, which is not really true. I'll leave it alone there. I'm not here to argue.

    ETA: I don't think I suggested that Kathy shouldn't come to the board and vent or ask questions or anything else. And yes, I have been to an Alanon meeting. No they don't have all the answers- this board doesn't and no place does. I won't even bother addressing the insinuation that I haven't lived thru traumatic chaos with my son or in my life.
  19. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Wait, Kathy, I just saw that you are IN Georgia!!!!! Maybe we CAN meet for coffee!!!! I am more near Athens than Atlanta but I work in Alpharetta - where in Georgia are you??
  20. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    My cyber friends, I don't know you. I really like you in the abstract and I certainly appreciate every single one of you. But I wouldn't know you if you showed up on my doorstep. But rest assured - If I saw any single one of you (ie: a stranger) about to be hit by a bus, I would push you out of the way. Even if I risked my own life doing so.
    And I wouldn't want to live any other way.

    Yep - that is how I live my life too....I do not care who you are, if you were in my garage trying to kill yourself, or even bluffing, I would do everything in my power to get you help.

    FWIW Al-Anon made me crazy. I wanted to stab everyone in their forehead for each and every one of their cliche's (sorry I sound like a difficult child). Kathy, I think a counselor is ABSOLUTELY a great idea. That is how I have found my strength and solace in the last 7 years of difficult child-ness.

    HUGS, again.