Tell him, but in a positive way.
We were told, when difficult child 3 was diagnosed, that we must tell him as soon as he was able to understand. Delaying only increases the risk of stigmatisation.
So, what we did - we noted difficult child 3's strengths (an intense focus on letters and numbers; brilliant musically and with computers) and used those as an example in a social story. difficult child 3 was 8 when we felt he could finally understand.
Here's what I said (I am recreating this, I can't find my original, it is somewhere on my computer though).
"My name is [difficult child 3]. I have autism. This does not mean I am stupid, it just means that my brain learns a different way. I might need help with some things, such as knowing how to understand what someone is not saying. Other people understand this sort of thing but it is more difficult for me. I will learn it, but I need to find my own way to do so because my brain works differently.
If I type up a piece of text on a Mac and print it out, then type up exactly the same words using the same formatting on a easy child and print it out, nobody can tell when they read the printed page whether the document was written on a easy child or a Mac. The two are identical. But the instructions to each computer that programs it to do the job - those instructions are very different. Mac instructions work best on a Mac, easy child instructions are designed to work on a easy child. If you tried to swap the programs over they would either work badly, or not at all. It is always best to use the correct software and operating system for the purpose and for the matching computer.
Some people have Mac brains and some people have easy child brains. We need to each find the best way we can learn, so we can learn how to be the best we can be."
Yes, at 8 years old difficult child 3 understood this. And by putting it in writing in the 1st person, he was able to repeat it to explain it to others.
We also organised a Sixth Sense program for his class at school. Normally the child who is the subject of this, is not present. But we let difficult child 3 stay because we wanted him to get a good feel for what autism is. When we did the Q & A session, we kept him out then so the other kids could feel free to ask the awkward questions. The very first question was, "Is difficult child 3 retarded?" which began to bring an angry reaction from the teacher, but I allowed the question because kids hear these words at home and want to understand.
We raised our kids to value themselves, and included in that is valuing how they are made, autism and all. When difficult child 3's scripture teacher prayed with him for his autism to be healed, I got angry with her (although she was just misguided). Faith is a tricky area with autism, because they take everything at face value. If you promise something, you had better be able to deliver. And to pray for healing of the autism, was to signal to difficult child 3 that his autism is a bad thing, it is something to be wished away. And when it fails to be wished away? Who has to deal with that crud then, hm? This should be in the primer about how to sabotage a kid's faith in God, humanity and himself, all in one fell swoop. Especially with autistic kids, God should not be presented as a magic wishing fairy. That's not what prayer is for (check the pro-forma for Christian prayer, the Lords Prayer from Sermon on the Mount). Okay, I'll get off my soap box now. As you can probably guess, that really upset me at the time. Still makes me boil even now, although I did have a good relationship with all difficult child 3's scripture teachers (yes, we have religious instruction in our state schools - optional, but mostly taken up. We nearly became the first churchgoing family in the village to opt out of scripture class!).W
hen difficult child 1 was diagnosed initially, it was with ADHD. I was trying to keep my concerns form him and tried to hush the doctor until we sent difficult child 1 out of the room. The doctor (who was an idiot in so many ways but not in this) told me that difficult child 1 should stay; it concerned him and surely if I was concerned, how much more worried was my son? After all, he was feeling like a failure, like a dummy, always picked on and that he was destined to always be the bad kid. On the way home after the doctor had explained ADHD to him, difficult child 1 said he felt relieved. "Mum, now I know it's not my fault. I thought I was just a naughty kid, that's what my teacher keeps telling me. Now I know it's just how I'm made."
We did emphasise to him that a diagnosis doesn't mean he can be complacent; he has a responsibility to work towards 'the norm' of acceptability. The diagnosis just gives a sense of direction, it does not give 'an out'.
However, especially once they have a better understanding of themselves and their place in the universe, our kids on the spectrum do their utmost to find a way to blend in. As difficult child 3 said later in the year we had the Sixth Sense class, "Mum, I'm getting better at pretending to be normal."
And for our kids, that is pretty much how it will feel to them, lifelong. They will be able to blend in (with varying degrees of success) as they move into adulthood, but it will always feel like pretending. They need to be helped to accept this, too. But autism brings unexpected gifts, and learning to value their talents will sweeten the bitter pill.
Marg