difficult child's father died on Sunday

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jody, Apr 3, 2012.

  1. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    My difficult child's dad died on April Fools Day, from throat cancer that spread to his lungs, and brain. He was 47 years old. Terrible Terrible thing to watch. He loved fishing and hunting and anything to do with dogs and fresh air and gardening. He loved to drink and smoke and have a good time. difficult child seems to be handling it well, she was there when he died and stayed with him in the hospital for a few days sleeping on the cot in his room. She is handling the grief pretty well, or it just hasn't really hit her yet. I don't know what to expect. She seems mad at me, and she has gone to her old foster home to spend the night last night. I am just going to let her grieve her own way, and hopefully she will open up to me more and not shut me out. Trying not to take it personally!! I have to keep remembering she's not really mad at you. She's just mad.
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Wise of you to not take it personally.
    My own father died not to long ago. We were NOT close. Yet, I still found it very hard.
    The loss of a parent can hit a person hard, even if they weren't close. Stirs up memories/thoughts/feelings.
    Best to let her grieve in her own way and to understand that she needs this time.
  3. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    So tragic at any age but 47 is so young. difficult child must be a very strong girl to handle staying with him until his last breath. She is greiving and most likely will take out her pain on you so try and be prepared.

    We are always here to lend an ear ...
  4. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    No one grieves the same way. Some will cry all day long, others will be mad, other will be hyperactive, other will spend all their days in bed....

    Apparently, being mad is her way to grieve in. Wise you don't take it personally.

    Also, she may go to her foster family because she needs to be away from you and all the family during a few days. Precisely because it reminds her too much of her pain.
    Again, it's not personal, it's not because she doesn't love you/because she is mad at you.

    She is mad because she is grieving.
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hugs Jody, it's difficult to want to reach out and support someone while they are pushing you away. You're right not to take it personally. Let her be and let her know you're there for her - when she's ready she will come to you if she needs to. In the meantime, be good to yourself.
  6. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    I quote you word for word, comma for comma.
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I'm so sorry....
  8. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I agree with what the others have said. Just make sure you tell her that you know she needs her space, but when she's ready to talk, you are there for her.
  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    :hugs: for you, and for difficult child as well.

    I can't add much, but I can tell you this much... As stepmom to kids whose bio mom passed 8.5 months ago... Onyxx can talk to me about bio, even the not so pretty stuff - I won't sugarcoat and she knows that - but not to husband, since there was so much history there. I'm a step removed. And her old foster parents may be that step removed. I don't discuss what Onyxx and I discuss about her bio mom with husband unless it's relevant and important... It's not so much keeping secrets as it's just not important. Jett doesn't really talk to anyone about bio, and it's because he was told never to talk about her to us... And we reinforced that by trying NOT to ask questions, and if his stories got too detailed we told him "what happens at Mom's stays at Mom's" - which is a wall we are working on breaking down, now. It was a good, and necessary, thing, then - now it's a nightmare.

    You may never be the one she talks to. But - let her know if she wants to you will listen (and then do it).

    More :hugs: for both of you.
  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I'm so very sorry Jody. You are very wise to be giving difficult child space, and not taking her reaction personally.
    As others have said, let her know you are there for her when she's ready.

  11. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    :hugs: I'm so sorry for your family....
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Sending my condolences and prayers for you, difficult child and your family. From your description of him it sounds like for such a young man he certainly enjoyed the life he was given and loved the daughter you gave him while he was here. She sounds like a very brave young lady to be able to do what she did, and I admire her greatly for it.

    Our thoughts are with you at this difficult time -

  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sorry, she must be very sad. Hard to see our kids so upset and so complex a situation in your case. You are being very loving and respectful of the process she needs to go through but that can't be easy. So, HUGS to you....take care of yourself too...
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Likely she is both in shock (yup, even knowing it's going to happen) and mad as hell at no one in particular.

    It's good to give her space. But I'd let her know you're there whenever she needs you to be.

    Such a hard thing for someone to go through at any age.

    My kids, I think, have dealt with the loss of husband pretty well. It was the straw that broke the camel's back for easy child that drove her to seek help for the depression that has been hanging on for the past few years. But she should've sought that help a long time ago. Even when I was hurting or going through whatever emotions, I always made sure I was there to listen when they wanted to talk about their Dad. Didn't matter how hard it was for me, they needed someone to talk to as well.

    For these past months there has been either a deliberate or subconscious effort not to let me be alone much........if I was alone, I was usually on the phone with one of them. This stems from their fears of losing me now too. Don't be surprised if this fear crops up with difficult child at some point.

  15. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Thanks everyone. They had a benefit to raise the money for her dad's funeral and they raised enough for the serviice and the headstone. difficult child is really grateful that the family will be able to have a service for him on Monday. She came in got in my bed last night and we talked about her dad for a couple of hours and laughed and cried, mostly laughed. Her father was quite a character. I got up this morning and before she went to sleep she put something on facebook, that made me smile, if you love your mom hit share??? I guess I did good and didn't embarass her too much in front of her "other" family.
  16. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    I am happy for you both. :D

    She is a strong and loving.

    You are a loving mom for her.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    ((((((((((hugs to both of you))))))))))

    i am so very sorry. it is great that you can remember that it isn't personal and that you are comfortable wth her going back to the fosters as she needed. It is also great that you could share good memories with her in such a loving way.

    I don't agree to just let her do it her own way. She is only 13 and grief is incredibly difficult to handle. She is going to need some professional help, esp as she was there for so much of his last days and right at the end. I am not saying to dump her into a grief therapy group right now, but if she has a therapist she has bonded with then make sure she has some regular appts in the next few months and that if/when she shows signs of needing more help, then she gets more appts and help. It is important to be aware that handling it too well, with-o breaking down, being the one who is always strong and "there" for others, etc.. is NOT a good thing. It is pretty easy to use comforting others and being strong to avoid dealing with youro wn grief. eventually you MUST deal with that grief and waiting years or decades to do it means you spend those years in unhealthy patterns.

    It wouldn't be bad to contact a grief therapist and ask what to expect and what signs would mean that difficult child needed more help or more specialized help.

    I am not saying to make a big deal about this, just to keep your eyes open and be aware of what is and isn't normal for a grievng teen and for her.

    I am very sorry for your loss and for difficult child's loss.