difficult child's gone and done it this time

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by realangel, Mar 1, 2007.

  1. realangel

    realangel New Member

    He physically attacked SO 2 weeks ago, then tried to stab SO and hit him with a piece of 4x4!! I had to call the police and difficult child was charged with common asault. He was also charged with criminal damage as he did some damage to our front fence in all the kerfuffle. He recieved a 6 month referral order so has yet again got a slap on the wrist. We have had enough of the assaults and so have refused to have him home. Social services are saying he is not their problem but youth offending team are saying yes he is as he ha special needs and is statemented.

    We have managed to get social services to agree to a temporary foster placement while he is assessed but one thing i am sure of. He cant return home. He is too volatile and too much of a liability to the other children in the family, and also to us. He needs to stop manipulating and controlling me. he needs to sort his anger issues out. He needs 're-wiring'. The mental health service is now saying he doesnt match their criteria. social services say he is our 'problem'. where else can we turn for help? he will probably be back here in a few weeks as we will be railroaded and bullied into having him back.

    If he returns i dont know what i will do. All i know is i cant continue living this life that i lead. I know my children need me. i live for my children. But if he returns then i have no life so whats the point?
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I don't have any advice as my difficult child is so much younger but wanted to send some cyber hugs your way.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh dear. I wish I had some advice. It sounds like you're doing the right thing, though, because you need to keep your household safe. In addition, I'm guessing that the police report will provide documentation that will help keep him out of your house and get him professional help and foster placement.
    So sorry... for all of you. I know it must be so disruptive and tear you apart.
  4. realangel

    realangel New Member

    The social services havent even read the police report and are treating him as the victim in all of this!! we are being let down by the one system that should be able to help us. I know his youth offending team officer will be reading our statements and difficult child's so hopefully she will speak up for us at the next care plan meeting on tuesday
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    How horrible that they won't help you. It sounds like you will have to call the police every time he becomes violent and have him returned to jail.
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I don't think jail or the police or social services or punishment will do any good, nor do I think he is "bad." He is obviously very sick. I had a daughter who acted that way (she turned out to be using drugs!). I would opt for a long-term Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement to help him get re-evaluated for his psychiatric issues and see if he gets a new diagnosis and will take medications. I doubt he'll be able to control himself without medications. He is showing himself to be dangerous unmedicated and, no, he can't come home in that condition. But jail and the police don't understand the mentally ill. He won't get treatment in jail and he could learn a few tricks, w hile he's so sick, that will only make him worse. I'd try to see if CPS will help you find an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). At 18, it's out of your hands completely.
  7. Lisa,
    I know you're frustrated with the whole system. Keep trying. You are the strongest and best advocate for your difficult child.

    I agree with midwest mom, a long-term Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement could really help turn things around. I called the police several times on difficult child when he was tearing up my home and making threats. It really helped to have the Parent Report to show them each time they came out. I'm not sure how to paste a link in here but if you go to the forums page under FAQ/Board Help the first topic is the Parent Evaluation & Report.
    This helped us so much. Social workers, probation officers, Residential Treatment Center (RTC) staff, everyone got a copy and they could see the pattern of behavior get worse and worse. It's hard to overlook when it's all down there in black & white.

    It helped me to write it too. I felt better after it was done.

    I hope your difficult child gets the help he needs.
  8. Loris

    Loris New Member

    I hope you get someone to speak up on your behalf. If he is returned home, call the police everytime he gets violent. The paper trail will help. I hope it gets better.
  9. kris

    kris New Member

    i agree ~~~ he's too violent to be in your home. why was the charge simple assualt & not assault with-a deadly weapon because that's what it actually was. was this part of the normal reduction of charges they seem so fond of in criminal justice???

    here is a link to the Parent Report: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/parent-report-updated.225/. it's really important that you take the time to get this done. the document allows you to give your son's hx, tx attempted, results & your concerns & goals in a clear, logical, non~emotional manner. make a copy for his probation person, the cps worker & his/her supervisor.

    as for out of home placement. here's why is suspect they are trying to keep him in your home. teen homes are scarcer than hare's teeth for teens....for violent teens it become exponentially harder. they figure if they can keep him with-you for the next two years he truly isn't their problem. he becomes the problem of the adult justice system.

    have you considered just refusing to allow him home. you have a valid stand in that he is extremely violent, places not only you & husband in danger, but the other children as well. if you fail to protect them cps can get all over you for that (throw that in their faces).

    if you refuse to allow him home they will scream & yell about charging you with-abandonment & that they will take your other children. that is unlikely to happen as they would then unnecessarily be bringing more children into the system which is NOT what they want to do.

    repeat at every opportunity....it is not in difficult child's & certainly not in my other children's' BEST INTERESTS for him to live with-us at this time. BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN being a key phrase.

    do YOU have a lawyer? you might want to consider ~~~ very seriously ~~~ getting one so your family's best interests are well represented.

  10. realangel

    realangel New Member

    Thanks for all the replies and support!! I was beginning to think maybe I was the bad person in all of this (I suppose thats what the system want me to think so i welcome difficult child home with open arms) .. i now know i am in the right and just need to be strong and stay strong in refusing to have him back. I saw him yesterday, social services TOLD me to ring him and arrange to meet him in a public place.. so i met him in McDonalds. It started off so well and then it went pear shaped VERY quickly. He started demanding the child benefit from me, i told him i had bought his mobile phone credit with it, he then said i owed him £7.50 as his credit was £10. I told him he wasnt having it. said i dint have it. (it was at this point he slipped up that he had £8 in his pocket but quickly said he owed it out to friends) i stayed strong in not giving him any money and he got very nasty and his face changed into 'that' face.. you know, the one where you know something bad is going to happen? he then stormed off. I think if he had been in my house it would have been worse but because we were somewhere public he had no option but to leave. And all because he wasnt able to bully me into giving in to him.

    I shall be ringing social services first thing monday morning to give them a piece of my mind. they set me up for that. I TOLD them time and time again it would happen but they just see the poor sweet child he is showing them at this moment in time. Mine and the schools take on visits was that it needed to be supervised so he couldnt try and control me or make me feel bad. So again social services have failed us.
  11. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    This post really hit home to me, you could be describing my difficult child. He is 19 now and am sorry I didn't know about this site when he was younger. I would have intervened on the behalf of my easy child kids,and our whole lives in general. I just waited on eggshells until he was 18 and figured there was nothing I can do. You have alot of good advice and a good direction to go in. Don't give up. Stay strong, you are doing what a good mom would do. Look at my signature-but now difficult child is working, he is supporting himself, yes he is still doing things the difficult child way- but what motivated him to make changes in himself is that we weren't allowing this behavior ever, he lost his privlege of living in our home. Do I still feel like I failed, uh yes, but I look at the big picture. He is a productive member of society and isn't that the goal? He was on the track of going to jail. I am proud of him. You have to try everything, don't second guess yourself. I'm glad you didn't allow yourself to be bullied -stay strong!
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    What did they think you were going to do when you saw one another? Really?
  13. realangel

    realangel New Member

    Apologies for the long gap in replying. I was rushed into hospital 2 days after seeing difficult child.. sems i had managed to contract an infection of the pelvis. Am back home now with medications and well on the way to recovery.

    We had a meeting on thurdsday (15th march) with social workers, foster care workers, youth offending team and the schools senco. difficult child is to remain in foster care for a further 3 months which will then be reviewed again. They are pushing for a new diagnosis (which will hopefully lead to medications). social services are demanding mental health service evaluate him. I am being referred to a support group for women who are victims of domestic abuse from their children (finally they are accepting it is happening).. he is also going to have councelling, behaviour therapy, anger management. Supervised contact is also being set up, although at the moment they only have the staff to make this once a week, but its better than no contact at al. He has been reminded he is NOT allowed at our house, and if he rings demanding money i am to say 'I do not wish to discuss money with you' and inform his social worker if he becomes aggressive.

    At last we are being listened to and helped!! Its like i can breathe again!
  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    That is wonderful that you have an attentive team that hears you - and seems to really want to help the family!

    Sorry about the infection - hope things are cleared up and you are feeling better!
  15. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    Glad you are getting the help. I'm impressed they have a support group for women abused by their kids.
  16. Alisonlg

    Alisonlg New Member

    That sounds like a positive move in the right direction! I'm glad to hear you're finally getting some support and help! (and so sorry to hear about the infection, but happy you're on the mend)
  17. oceans

    oceans New Member

    I am glad to hear that you are getting some help. I don't know how the system works where you live. They would not start him on medications without a diagnoses? I hope that he can get a diagnoses soon...If you are biploar (is that what I read?) then there is a good chance that he is as well, and the behaviors will not get better without the proper treatment.

    I wish you and him well!
  18. realangel

    realangel New Member

    Thanks to all

    Found out today the social workers dealing with out case are only duty social workers. We are moving over to 'permanancy' in the next few weeks which means a new social worker and team leader.

    The support group is run by victims of domestic abuse. They have experienced it from their children and one of the recognised the need for a support group. I hadn't heard of them before the meeting, maybe word needs to get out? So many people say that children cannot possibly give the abuse to the mother, and that the mother/father isnt strong enough and shoul;dnt let it happen but when you have been there you know it CAN and does hapen.

    Supervised contact starts on monday. School is droping him off but there is no one to collect him and its in unfamiliar territory.. so how does he get home to his foster placement? social services say that he will have to get a bus and pay for it out of his pocket money.... world war 25 coming up!
  19. realangel

    realangel New Member

    He refuses to come to the cpntact meetings!! Says we are playing games with him because he has to make his own way home. He sent me abusive text messages saying he cant be bothered with it all and not to waste my time or his.

    and so we soldier on.............
  20. kris

    kris New Member

    hmmmmm, i'm wondering if their change of heart about keeping him in foster care is related to some behaviors he may have shown them????

    can you save the text messages? it's a good idea....or can you put them on your computer & print them out (i'm computer challenged so don't know if this is a possibility>). they are documentation of his attitude/behaviors towards you. by the way, he's old enough to get himself back to his placement home. my kids were independant on the buses at 14.

    make sure you document each contact. every single one!

    stay strong.