I ask because tonight was not a good night, I do have a mood disorder, and I did think about suicide tonight, although I did not act on it other than to take some allergy medications that I know will knock me out so that I will go to sleep and forget about it. I guess the stress of being a mother to 100% grown kids got to me tonight. It was dumb. Jumper is dogsitting and spending most of her nights in an empty house with a dog and not home enough for my tastes...or for how much I would desire. She also will not talk to me about her boyfriend and I know this is eating her up inside. I feel like I'm losing her to the big wide world and, although I know that's healthy, it makes me feel sort of like there is nothing for me anymore. She doesn't need me anymore. Sonic has a huge support system. He likes being in his own place, which is fine because of his autism, but I wish he liked to hang here more. Then I thought about Julie, so far away and how I'm the only relative who doesn't get to see her and the baby whenever I liked and I felt hopeless (this is a symptom of depression, which I have to fight all the time).The baby will not be as close to me as them. I can't fight the distance factor. I got so sad that, while crying in my room, I called 37 and asked if I could stay with him and just get away from it. His difficult child status is really going away, at least in my eyes. I've been Skyping his son and him and he does call me every single day and seem to enjoy talking to me, unlike Jumper. He said, "Of course you can. You're my mother. I"m always here for you." Not a difficult child thing to say. I know he means it. Bless him. Soon perhaps I will have no difficult children. I know he means it too. He would be there for me. So I got off and started to wonder, do adopted kids love you as much as biological kids? That sent a new wave of angst. Meanwhile, in the middle of this, hub started yelling at me over something jerky and I was not in the mood and told him to leave ma alone, which set him off worse. Jumper was there and put her two cents in. She asked me, "Why are you acting like this?" That just set my suicidal feelings off again. Why WAS I acting that way? She left to dogsit. I am very mixed up inside, confused and depressed. I wonder why we live here. I'd rather be closer to Julie and 37 and my two grands. Jumper is busy. Sonic has a full life a nd would survive fine if we moved. Husband's job is here. He won't move. I then started thinking of moving to Missouri and forget and forget Jumper, who is never home anyway, even on vacation. And I meant leaving for Missouri with no plans to come back. I took t he Benadryl because it makes me tired and hub accused me of taking drugs. I smiled. For the first time ever maybe, I understand why our kids sometimes take drugs. It dulls the pain. They must be in pain to do drugs. I got it tonight. I probably would have smoked some good dope if I knew where to get it just to see if it muted my pain and negative feelings. I am still thinking of finding a way to smoke pot, although it's illegal in my state. I feel like I'm losing everyone who once needed me and my life has become worthless. I really don't have a lot of friends. My one good friend spends the winter in Arizona and I've tried hard to make new friends, but it's hard at my age. Very hard. So I had a suicidal-feelings night. Now I'm awake and still feeling a hangover from yesterday's pain. Still wondering why Jumper is not here. Still wondering why husband was a jerk last night. Still feeling warm and fuzzy only toward 37 and my grandson, even though Julie didn't do anything. I'm not going to commit suicide. I have thought of it MANY times through the years, but never even tried it, although I know how I'd do it if I ever wanted to . But that's not an issue now. Just FEELING like I'm so pointless that I'm not needed here is bad enough. Am I the only one who has recurrent suicidal thinking? Yes, yes, I know if I did it, eveyone would feel guilty (wich keeps me from doing it), but it doesn't feel good to wish I wasn't here anymore. Again, I am not going to do it. But it is disturbing that I am thinking about it. I am more likely to take Benadryl today. I only need one pill to put me to sleep. I am very sensitive to medication. I just don't want to be awake today to face all this crapola. So...does anyone have any weed...hehe I'm serious that tonight I would have tried if it I knew somebody who had it. Kind of scary to become a pothead at MY age!!!!