Divorced parents?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Coffee Lover, Jul 6, 2017.

  1. Coffee Lover

    Coffee Lover New Member

    Are there any other divorced parents working with their kids, while the ex is completely working opposite (in a not helpful way?)

    Our son is O.D.D., ADHD, possible Conduct Disorder. His father (my ex) doesn't believe any of this - even though the pediatrician, psychologist, 3 social workers, and therapist are all trying to explain to him its real and son needs help. Ex and I had an awful divorce and struggle to deal with MINOR things...let alone major things like this. NOTHING IS EVER EASY WITH US. Which likely doesn't help son. I'm trying to fix that.

    Our son was kicked out of one school last year, I had to go through a legal war with the school to keep him in the district where we live (the district dropped IDEA and IEP balls left and right, lots of broken laws), just move to a different elementary school. Ex didn't help at all. Not one penny. Came to no meetings. Offered no support, wouldn't even talk about our son's issues - just kept saying it was my fault and I shouldn't have him. So while battling the school (I won). I had to battle his dad (I won - son is now on medications and gets therapy, in addition to having an IEP/Supports at school to start helping him improve.)

    His dad filed an objection with the court - I have to go tomorrow. He wants son off all medications, to stop seeing therapist, to stop getting help at school, and to move school districts to one 45 minutes from my house. I really don't think that any judge is going to change things (I've got experts galore coming in and tangible evidence that son is improving. No way anyone will mess with that).

    But now that its summer, son spends more time with dad than during the school year. And the ENTIRE TIME he is there, its classic Disney Land dad. Stay up late, no rules, play games, etc....and run mom into the ground. He tells son all the time how our custody isn't fair (its the standard every other weekend deal, nothing crazy) and how I'm trying to alienate them. How I never let son see or talk to his dad (which is a lie), how all of these issues are my fault. And he tells our son every time we go to court, everything that is said. So the poor kid just hears how terrible we all are. Then, when its my time with our son, dad will call (its court ordered, I can't deny the calls right now) and drop some info about something fun son will miss, just to "set him off", then hang up and I get a full on raging kid losing it on me about how I'm awful. How I ruin his life, try to keep him from his dad, never let him have fun, and on and on.

    It happened last night and son won't let me touch him (like to hug), won't look at me, will barely talk to me (and when he does, its short and awful) all because dad called to say there's a birthday party for a friend this weekend by his house and son can't go since he's with me. Why tell him? Other than to make him mad at me. And I don't even have info on this party to even SAY yes or no! Tried telling son that, doesn't care. He's buying into dad's lies - hook, line, and sinker.

    I feel like I'm doing the right thing. I make have him chores and responsibilities. We have limits and consequences. I don't bad mouth dad, but I will be honest about his short comings (like this party thing, I told him "I understand you are frustrated. I would be too. I AM too. But I do not have any info on this party so I can't say yes or no - it is NOT ok to be disrespectful of me because you dad hasn't given us info. I'll try to get ahold of him today to find out."). I can't keep letting him talk like I'm the bad guy. I have to put my foot down to being talked to so AWFULLY by an 11 year old kid. But I KNOW that a good part of this is just him spewing the crap from his dad.

    Anyone else? I hope I'm alone lol but I doubt I am. How do stay sane and calm and not just lose it?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Not me, but my son is desling with a nightmare ex. She is abusive to grandson and so is step dad, but there is nothing Son can do. He is in court again because ex tried to move grandson and rip him outbof school so son went to court to stop it. No doubt grandson will get to stay in his school, but his ex will never stop dragging him through court. This is her second try. She never wins and granson dislikes his time with het (50/50) and sayd "Dad, this is my home. When I see Mom, its just a visit." He is 9 years old and always in his room for being "bad" at her house. If it were up to him he would never go there. Stepdad slapped him across the face once but grandson was too afraid to tell on him. "Mom will really punish me."

    He is a sweet, sensitive boy.

    Although son is definitely going to get residential custody and is in a good place fir legal custody, he will never be able to get more than 50/50 custody. Thats the rule.

    I feel your frustrarion. I am sorry.8
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2017
  3. Coffee Lover

    Coffee Lover New Member

    We had 50/50 at the start (we have been divorced 10 years, thought things would be better by now). And that was alright until son started school. We live an hour apart. So off to court to get him into one primary home and then school. Took forever, but I have physical custody. We have joint legal (although there are court orders in place giving me sole mental health decision making power right now, part of what he is fighting).

    It just gets old. And poor son. Right now, like I said, he is raging at me. And I want to just shake him silly and ask him "WTF is wrong with you?! You KNOW how he is! Why are you believing him NOW?" because there are plenty of times he wants nothing to do with dad or dad's house.

    He's begged me not take him before, threatened to runaway if I made him go. CPS has been out there 4 times to investigate - son's stepsister there was removed from the home - but they never quite nail ex on enough to stop son from going. Which is good, I'd hate to think he's being abused or seeing it.

    He tells me all the time that his dad scares him, he's mean to him, he hates some of the things they do, can't stand his step mom....I can go on and on. And he'll cry and complain about his life (hates having two houses, I get that). But then when his dad gets into a mood, he eats it all up and starts spewing it and all of the feelings he's shared about his dad are suddenly moot and I'm the evil one.

    I am trying to be strong, and to understand what he is going through, but with legal battles with his dad, him raging at me at home, dealing with work (I'm missing a lot of time here...), and then just NORMAL life things - I'm really on the verge of just losing my mind. My whole heart hurts all the time.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My son is a mess too. I am sorry for you. How old is your son?
  5. Blighty

    Blighty Member

    Coffee Lover
    This sounds just awful. This guy is a piece of work
    I guess you can't make anyone like that see sense. All you can do is try your best to do what you do so well and stick with it. i think you are doing a swell job and deserve a huge medal.
    If you don't already, write a journal so you can give an account of all the crap he is putting you though in case you ever need it and also to process thoses negative feelings out of your system. your boy is so lucky to have you. Don't let that jack ass take the joy out of your life. Seek support where ever you can to insulate your family from his negativity. you are a great mom.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Ex is using your son to get at you but your son is the one that is suffering the most from it all!
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    That is what my sons ex does to my grandson. I dont think she cares much for my grandson. He looks just like my son and favors him.

    Sadly there is not much that can be done and Judges hate hearing tje adults complain about one another.

    Coffee lover, you keep doing what you have to do. My son is difficult, with sky high anxiety, but ht adores his son. This constant litigation is very hard on him. Fortunately grandson has never gone to court.
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2017
  8. Coffee Lover

    Coffee Lover New Member

    My son is 11 1/2. So its hard because he's at an age when he really NEEDS his dad (we got through "the talk" and some other traditionally dad things though - go Team Mom!) But, he's starting to see the "cracks" in Dad's facade. Its good for me, in a way. In the long run he'll see I didn't do things to be mean - but its earth shattering for a boy to see his dad as less than amazing and to sort through it all. He just feels pulled in two directions.

    Its definitely NOT helping his ADHD/ODD right now. He's got so many things going on that he just can't get his bearings.
  9. Coffee Lover

    Coffee Lover New Member

    Bingo. I see it and call him on it but it doesn't help.

    We went to court Friday, I wanted to put an end to it. We're on court monitored communication now, so I'm HOPING that will stop his awful messages and harassing, since he knows people are watching him now. And hopefully, with less emotions involved he can lay off my son and just focus on enjoying his time with him, instead of feeling like he needs to "win".

    The day this kid enters the world as a happy, confident, self-sufficient grown up we ALL WIN! GAH!!! I just can't figure out how to get that through to him or how to navigate with my son totally.
  10. Coffee Lover

    Coffee Lover New Member

    The judge is definitely over him. He complains about me, and is easily proven wrong. We settled at court Friday - his lawyer advised him that going in front of the judge wouldn't be in his best interest. Hoping this starts a period of peace.
  11. Lia

    Lia New Member

    I have experienced the same kind of thing from my ex, but with my 11 yo son, and anxiety. That is hard enough. He is nearly impossible to work with and makes things sooo much harder here. My daughter was diagnosed ODD, and she has a different father. Luckily her father read up on it, backs me up and has tried to make things as consistent as possible since he has been back in her life.
    My son's father causes so many problems with his attitudes, selfishness, and behaviors though that it makes things harder with my son AND my daughter. So it's almost an infectious attitude that goes from one child to the other. My son comes home after fun dad and no structure to everything being structured and consistent here and just feeds into my daughter's cycle. It's a horrible situation you are going through having that much stress. I feel for you and relate.
  12. Coffee Lover

    Coffee Lover New Member

    Oh my gosh, did we divorce the same guy??? That's it! Dad WON'T give son medications (son tells me) but then lies in court that he gives it and I'm making things up. Ugh. And poor son doesn't want to speak up against his dad.
    So when he gets back, son is mad that I'm making him take medications.
    And there are chores at my house, and a bedtime. and I make him go outside and play. AND read. Its not just video games all day and night. It just ticks me off.

    I get that a "typical kid" would have an attitude coming back from that (heck, I would too! I want to go somewhere without rules or responsibility!) but with ODD and all (they suspect anxiety) he ends up REALLY mad, then exploding. ALWAYS on me. It's awful the first 2 days he's back. Like we have to "de-program" those behaviors and get him back on track with our expectations.

    I have yet to find a way to really de-escalate these situations. Or how to cope. My MIND knows all the reasons he's doing this and saying the mean things. I get that. I get that I'm the safe place too, easier to unload on. But, my poor heart can barely get through those days.
  13. Blighty

    Blighty Member

    I'm glad you came to a settlement. I hope things start to improve. In time, your son will understand how you really loved him and were helping him, and how his Dad was not helpful, and you will be so glad and proud of yourself that you did the right thing for your son's best interest. Strength to you. You are a great mom.