I adopted a boy like him. He was gone the day I found out he molested my younger kids. I didn't even blink. He was gone. He killed two of our dogs too and played with fire. These behaviors indicate he is a budding psychopath. I would not live with that child. Dad would either put him in residential or I'd leave until the kid was no longer there. The kid is too disturbed to live in a family, especially if you have other kids, but he could perp in the neighborhood too...this child we adopted did so and killed neighborhood animals, but we didn't find out about all this until after he left. Bet this kid had a crazy, chaotic early years of extreme moving around, neglect, abuse and now has reactive attachment disorder, which is the same as having no conscience and no caring of the rights of others. Residential may be the only thing that can save him, if even that can. It would be kinder to put him into 24/7 help than keep him at home where he will only get arrested again.
Your stepson sounds exactly like our adopted ex-son (we dissolved the adoption). Sorry if that sounds harsh, but nobody can abuse younger people in our house and live there. Anyway, this child was a charmer around adults. Nobody suspected what he was doing until he got caught. The younger kids were too scared of him to tell us what he was doi9ng to them and it also went on for three years.
Kids with early chaos, no secure caregiver, too many changes, neglect and abuse learn not to trust other people and not to care about other people. The wiring in their little brains get messed up and it can stay that way for good without extreme therapy and once the sexual abuse starts I'm not convinced it ever stops. There is no proof that any sort of therapy helps sexual predators stop their obsession with perping on young ones.
If you do stay and keep him there, be kind to your cat and rehome it. This child we had acted like he Loooooooooooooved the dogs, then he killed two of them. The first one we did not know was him. The second time blew his entire cover.
Does your stepson play with fire too?
Does he pee and poop in inappropriate places or still wet his bed?
Chances are somewhere along the line, he was sexually abused too. Abusers are almost always abused. However, the mind can stop the memory of it happening, even if the subconscious remembers. But, as sad as that is, it doesn't change that he is also doing it. Most kids who are sexually abused DON'T do it. Although they have issues.
This is making me relive the time we lived with the child I call Psychokid. I never met a child like him before, but I'm starting to hear about others who were like him. He was also arrested by the county and charged with Sexual Assualt in the Frist Degree against a minor. Now, he was a minor himself. He was 13 when it all fell down for him. But the kdis he sexual played with were six years younger than him and that was the reason he was tried in juvenile court. He was found guilty and had to sign up as a sex offender for years. I don't know if he still has to or even if he obeyed. I just am glad he is no longer in our lives. I feel guilty that I didn't know what was going on. It's hard to explain. He was such a good actor. NOBODY knew he was perping on younger kids since age five (his words).
To me, after my experience, this would be a dealbraker in the marriage, especially if you have kids or plan to or just love your cat. He WILL kill it. He tried, The boy we had tried a few times before he succeeded.
Good luck. Your husband needs a true wake up call. Maybe if you leave him until the boy is gone that will make him take the matter more seriously.