Okay.....most of what I read here as 'responses' to teens is typical parent banter and a lot of what I used to say back to Dude. There are a LOT of steps in learning (LEARNING) effective communication. IT takes time, patience and believe it or not? It does work. Sometimes it takes more work with difficult child's because we're taxed more than other parents; our kids have twice the mouths if not more, twice the 'whitty' repartee, and their minds go at twice the speed of sound, so the other parts even for a quick whitted parent are lacking severely just to keep up with some battle of words or a comeback that matches what the kid said to you five sentences ago. Thus most of my exchanges ended with "Oh yea well bite me, because I'm the MOM that's why, so what, see if I care, or my favorite, go ahead and try that and see what happens." All, very mature.
When I started doing the effective communication /parenting training? I thought it was such a waste of time. So did Dude. Our therapist worked with us, and after even the first session? Wow what a difference. See, what I learned is something so basic it's as plain as the eyes and mouth on your face. We have TWO ears, one mouth. We need to use our ears with our kids TWICE as much, and our mouth less and we'll get lots better results. Being adults of teens? Well naturally we've LEARNED EVERYTHING and want them to do it OUR WAY. We want them to go along with our ideals, and thoughts because we know it's safer. Teens on the other hand....Everything is new, and they're so close to being adults? They have two mouths and one ear----but the way to rearrange that as an adult and slowly change it? Listen to them. Validate their feelings. On the same note - teens need to understand - We're people too, and we have lives, work, responsibilities, deadlines, and some of us have parents, or siblings to take care of and other kids that need our attention so give US some respect.
When your kids come to you and say "YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME FEEL_________" -Instead of being accusing and saying things like "Well YOU make ME feel like XX I buy your clothes I do this I do that. Or not validating their feelings at all by saying things like I used to say - Oh whaaa." Try this.....
Son: "Well you ALWAYS make me feel liike I'm a screw-up."
Mom: "Stop right there - If what I say bothers you, I want you to tell me, and I will listen. You matter to me"
Son: "You don't care about me."
Mom: "I care about you very much I want you to tell me what is bothering you, come in here and sit down."
Son: "It doesn't matter I'm just a XXX up."
Mom: "No you're not, you're my Son, , What can I do to help?"
Son: "Nothing."
Mom: "I bet if you told me what's up, we could come up with something, you're a smart kid."
Come on I'm going to get a bottle of water and go for a walk - you want something?
Son: Maybe a coke.....
Mom: You want to go with me? I'm walking in the woods. I'Tourette's Syndrome nice and quiet there
Son: Ok
This is what I learned......how to get him talking, calm him down......keep the dialogue going......and get him to a place where either we can talk that is a good place for him (kitchen table) that he likes or a great place that we both like - for us it is the woods. I don't have to be right there across from him - in the kitchen I can start cutting vegetables like I'm talking to a bestie - and just listening while I'm buisy ....
SOME times.......he's just too angry to talk and will tell me - I HAVE TO GO FOR A WALK......and I'm like "OKAY - maybe you'll want to talk when you get back." but those are HIS anger techniques..
If you INSULT teenagers? They usually will just FIRE BACK with an insult......and then it's banter with a teen. It's really hard NOT to be sarcastic with a teenager (trust me on that one I"m a National Member) but you get no where and most of us have at least 20 years on them so the battle really isn't fair. We've outlived and out heard most of the good insults so they just go right over their heads anyway.
But there are ways to get your point across and there are ways for the kids to talk to us......they just have to be taught and we're not always the ones to teach them. Kids want respect just as much as we do, but when we are so frustrated that we can't see that we're giving what we're getting? It's time to change the game plan. And when we've gotten TO that point? We need to really be reminded of who is the parent. Yup - I've been there, and readily admit I've said some DOOZIES.....regret it.....sadly. Sometimes you just have to let go and swing for the bleachers - no doubt at all. But when it starts becomming every day banter? Time for introduction into NEW English. New approaches.....and hopefully some peace.
I say this all the time - but check out effective communication with a therapist....you will NEVER regret learning how NOT to say things to people. Even compliments you thought were NICE....can be backhanded.
Hugs & Love
Star