Don’t know what to do…

[FosterSis]

Hello everyone, I’m new to this so please cut me a little slack.
I’m a foster sister. The children have been in mine and my parents home for 2 years now. Before this situation, we had a very close relationship with the children and their mother. The children in my home are a 9 yo boy and a 6yo girl. They have 2 brothers placed in another home. About 3 or 4 months after their placement here, their mother passed away. This October will be 2 years since her passing.
Now the little boy is a lot. Some days he makes me cry because no one knows what to do with him. He is very manipulative and has been the whole time he’s been here. He’s been diagnosed with ADHD, PTSD, ODD, Anxiety, and depression. He’s constantly throwing these huge tantrums and everyone in the house seems to tiptoe around him. Trying their hardest not to set him off. Because once you do, there is no going back for hours. Personally I can’t stand to be around him sometimes, but if I voice that to him, it’s another tantrum that the whole house has to deal with. He won’t listen when you tell him to do the simplest things. He won’t stop until he gets exactly what you want. My dad is almost completely withdrawn from the little boy at this point and my mother is at a loss. If we can’t keep him, CPS will remove the little girl from our care as well. Now we all have a bond with her and the little boy has proven to be abusive towards her. He’s just recently pushed her down a flight of stairs. I just need some advice. He needs help that this family cannot give him. Please help

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there. I am sorry about these issues that upset you so much. Life is hard sometimes and we need to figure out what works best for ourselves. For us, not others. Let me explain. I needed to learn a lot!


I am assuming your parents agreed to foster these children and that
the house that the two children live in, and you as well, is your parents house. This is unless you are grown and the house is yours as well...maybe you helped buy it. I am assuming your parents bought the home. If so, it is 100% up to them to decide what to do in their home. It's not up to you to do anything and you can't fix it or force your parents to make a particular decision, even if the situation is very uncomfortable. But...but...but you can take steps to better your own situation. In fact the only person you have control over in this situation is yourself.

I am going to assume you are between 14-30 years old. If so, you can look ahead and plan to do the things you very much want to do one day. If you are 14, you can't move out, but you can plan your future, maybe college or travel or ballet or anything you want to experience! If you are 22, go out on your own and get a taste of freedom as a young adult. Maybe move somewhere exciting. You steer your own life. You can go to therapy about any issues as well and be prepared to learn ways to cope with problems. I did this and still do.

I adopted a daughter and she is not doing well. Often kids who are adopted or in foster care have suffered so much loss they can not attach to new family and act out, sometimes very badly. It is up to their guardians what to do about their behavior and pain. And when to get help. Many of these kids have reactive attachment disorder and cause chaos in families and it is hard to treat. Sometimes nothing works. It did not work for our daughter. This us just FYI. It is not to help you fix him or the situation. You cant.

It is best we all work on ourselves rather than trying to find ways to control other people or environments. We can change us and our own lives and goals and environments but we can not fix other people. My daughter is still a mess but my husband and I and our other kids are now doing well. It took therapy, time and learning. I just shared a lot of what we all learned.

"Noothing changes if WE don't change our situation."

I send prayers and good wishes that you can find what makes you happy and detach from chaos that you really have no control over. Hugs.