Drop jaw! You wouldn't believe this....or maybe you would!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lovelyboy, Jul 14, 2012.

  1. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    My husbands family has this attitude that you musn't overprotect your children....You know the type of families where the kids must just string along and defend for themselves....They will be fine.....this is how live is attitude....So my brother in law youngest son is 10 yrs old now....and according to me he has definitly Aspergers or even lower on the spectrum! My mother in law is looking after their 2 boys now while they are having a trip overseas....My husbands brothers dont believe in taking kids with on nice, expensive holidays....no, just dump them with granny, even when they are only 1 week old!
    So mother in law thought it to be a good idea to let the nephews spend some time together while their parents are away...GREAT idea...my son is having a blast! BUT...we then planned for this brother in law son, the Aspie according to me, to come and have a sleep over at our home.....mother in law then went and planned 2 other sleepovers for this child for the 2 evenings
    before the sleepover with my son....They just dont even think about the sensory effect
    this might have on this child....Anyway.....we went to picture him up....I ask, does he have
    his clothing, exct? So my mother in law says, yes, he quickly packed for himself emphesizing the
    fact that kids must learn to be independent! Ouch, I felt the sting in that one!!!
    So I ask her, does he have any medications I need to take with...Oh yes he does!!!!?????? she
    would have forgotten about this! So it turns out he is on medications for ADD....she gives it at
    night....I am like thinking....shouldn't he be taking it in the mornings!!!?? I ask if he
    takes antihistamins, because I know he is allergic ...Oh yes he does but its finish!!!!
    So when we got home and they need to bath, I help him unpack his little bag with
    'clothes'......There I find 2 adult daipers!!!! The poor child was so very embarressed!!!! He
    quickly put it back!!!!OMW....how can NOBODY tell me this!!!!!!This poor child was trying
    to avoid bathing with my son, avoiding going to the loo...All so my son wouldn't see he
    wears evening diapers! If they informed me I would have handled the situation differently
    and try to avoid him this embarressment! This poor child then said he forgot to pack
    clothing for the next day...he forgot clean undies....he didnt bring any toothbrush....no
    warm socks or something!!!!!
    When I shared my sons health issues with this childs mom a few months ago...she said
    nothing...When I asked her if they ever took this child for assessments...she said no....he
    is just little different....no need for assessments with psychiatric.
    How on earth can people be so IGNORANT!!!????Or are we just not suppose to share this
    kind of info!?
    Maybe we make to much of our kids problems? Maybe this is the way its suppose to
    be.....just go with the flow and take all this things in our stride....Never mind a childs self esteem....They will grow up and be just fine!!!!?????? So what if I didnt know about the diapers, so what if he doesnt have warm clothes, forgot undies....He survived and a week from now its all forgotten? Right?
    I know I need to keep my mouth shut...but I am so wanting to ask my mother in law why she didnt tell me about the diapers!!!???
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I know. It's not just your culture... I lived through some of it, too... and while a "lived to tell the tale", the experiences DID leave deep scars.

    Would they act the same way if it was a physical disability? like blind, or spinal bifida?
    It seems like there is a progression with acceptance of disabilities. The obvious ones came first, seemingly starting with blindness (Helen Keller was probably a major factor!). Then came the developmental - ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), etc. Even here, these are still a work in progress. And then there's the MI issues, which... seem to fall between the cracks everywhere.

    But the ones who make a difference on the general public conciousness are those who HAVE the issues and yet overcome.... somehow.
  3. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    I would keep my mouth shut to the adults around. You might convince them one day, but probably too late for your nephew.
    But why not have a candid talk with your nephew. Let him know that you are here for him and if he needs a kind ear, you are here to listen.
    Knowing that he has a caring and understanding aunt my make a huge difference for him.
    Be sure to only say what he can repeat though. You would not want for the other adults to take it as an offense.
  4. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    I think you'd be quite entitled to ask her that - and it doesn't have to be rude or hostile as a question, but a genuine, concerned inquiry. If people don't speak up about things, it's impossible to know there's anything wrong. It may help her to be more thoughtful next time. We honestly NEVER know exactly why people do things or what their motivation is - sometimes it's lack of understanding or realisation rather than deliberate negligence. Take your courage and voice your honest thoughts, diplomatically and politely :)
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That's so sad for the children. Denial is a powerful force. Whatever you decide to do about communicating with your sister in law, I agree with Ktllc that your nephew deserves someone in his life whom he can trust to acknowledge the truth. Having grown up with that denial, if an adult had intervened in my family in any way, to see the truth, to see me, to offer a bit of empathy, concern, compassion or understanding, the results would have been remarkably different. It's so very difficult to see a truth others won't see, especially when there are children at stake. A few times in my life I have intervened to protect a child, sometimes it worked out, sometimes I could do nothing, it can break your heart.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    OMG, the sad part is that she is NOT doing that child any favors.

    I hope that you can spend a little time with-him ... and her ... and maybe have a positive affect.
    So sad.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think it must make a difference where you live and how you present things. We (my family) have always been very open about every thing. Cory actually had a tee shirt that said "I have a name for my disorder, do you?" We bought it off the racks at Penny's. We have never hid the fact that he has issues or that I do. I have no problem telling anyone.

    I was worried that my father was going to give me grief over this but instead he jumped in behind me all the way. I dont know that he ever truly understood exactly what we went through but he backed us completely and loved his grandson's completely. It didnt matter what they had. My dad thought we did the best we could with them. I appreciated that.
  8. allhaileris

    allhaileris Crumbling Family Rock

    I'd say something, but I'm totally socially inappropriate about these things. If they LOVE their child, they'll do something about it. I agree talking to your nephew would be good, but don't expect it to come out of his mouth to his parents the same way you told him. It'll get mixed up, and it will come out. But little things can be said to him every time you see him.

    I'd call your brother in law on the clothes packing thing if nothing else. I would have done it right there and then. It's not okay in the slightest to send your child off unprepared. I totally love to let my child do for herself and learn to "get it" in life, but I still have to check her ALL the time, and praise her when she does it right, correct her when she doesn't. Your brother in law and sister in law are being BAD parents by not sending their child prepared.

    And screw the whole appropriateness of denial cr*p. They're family. Flat out tell them that you think their kid has Aspergers or Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) or whatever. They've probably been told it before, and probably have it nagging at them behind their denial. Tell all of your family members that their kid has it and get eveybody on board. All denial does is hurt the child. Be a big momma bear and stick up for your nephew, even if it causes waves for a while. You'd be doing your nephew a favor.
  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Ugh. I'd call mother in law and say something like, "Well you know how kids are, we didn't really get overnight stuff. Here's what we need (cloths, toothbrush, etc.), I'll be there at 6:00 to come get it, and what size adult diapers should we have on hand?" No confrontation, just statement of fact and need. (And find out what kind of antihistamines, if just generic then Benadryl is awesome and cheap to have on hand anyway.)

    LATER, I'd talk to brother in law/sister in law. "Hey, we had an overnight and I observed X, Y and Z, might want to have that looked into." Unfortunately, it's not your child. You can give them information and caring... But you can't MAKE them do anything. :sigh: