easy child dealing with middle school meanness. Help?

[BusynMember]

My ten year old has a lot of friends. The problem is, they turn on one another (my daughter doesn't participate in this--she's the one who is always defending her friends who turn on her). Last night a boy who is a very good "friend" of hers (and who has turned on her I don't know how many times) spread an internet rumor that she said a very bad word. This may seem small, but this is a tiny community and the rumor is taking off like wildfire with one of her other close friends (a girl who has a mouth like a truck driver, I'm told) said she believes him. My daughter was in tears, asked if she could be homeschooled, said she hates everyone because everyone is mean. We sat down and tried to talk about the two girls who aren't mean (literally there are only about two other girls who don't backstab). But they already have their own group of friends who backstab them...lol. I mean, it would be funny if the girls didn't hurt so much. We picked up my daughter's one friend who is always nice to her and drove them both to school this morning, but I'm sooooooooo nervous. My daughter was in such a poor frame of mind today, and I'm worried about what all this backbiting will do to her. I know what it did to my first daughter--she got involved in drugs to be "cool." I don't think this child will go that route, but I don't want her to be miserable either. She's a really sweet girl, one who sticks up for the child in her grade who has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified. While others make fun of him and refuse to invite him to parties and call him "bad" and "weird" she goes out of her way to be good to him, to pick him as a lab partner, to make sure he goes to her party. Yet she can put on a tough exterior. What have you told your girls (or boys) when their group of friends turns on them, and what worked? I'm really at a loss here as I have nothing to look back upon. I hated cliques and refused to hang out with them so this didn't happen to me. Nothing I said seemed to make her feel better until I got her to call her one friend who is always nice to her. I wish she'd just hang around with this one girl and forget the others, but this girl is friends with the same crowd as she is.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Unfortunately we can't choose our kids friends! I don't think I would worry too much about it at this point. Middle school girls are the absolute worse.........for the most part, things like this blow over in time when someone else's misfortune becomes the "new thing". Doesn't make it any easier to watch your child go through it though. Just keep the perverbiable eye and ear open!

Sharon

 

[DammitJanet]

Middle school is the seventh circle of He!!. One good thing is that by next week the kids will find someone else to pick on most likely. Why they have to do this is beyond me but they do. I think its called leveling. The kids have to put others down in order to make themselves feel better about themselves.

I dont know what you can do to make her feel better in the here and now. Can she become involved in some outside of school activities so she has friends that dont go to her school? Maybe that would help.

Ugh...she has my sympathies. I did what your older daughter did to fit in. I found the druggy crowd and ran with them.

 

[Fran]

<span style='font-size: 11pt'>MWM, I feel your pain. My easy child is just a kind, polite sweet kid who tries hard to be a good person. They teased him unmercifully on the school bus for years. At one point, I had to speak to the school. easy child was at the state of nervous collapse.
I know it's the middle school age that just tortures unaggressive kids. Even regular kids are bullies in self defense. My easy child isn't a kid who would ever be physical with another kid. It's just not our way. The school did remove one bully from the bus.

It helped easy child that the school was very supportive and reaffirms that easy child is a nice kid. Although everyone says it's the age and it will pass it is torture to get through it with our kids. Your heart breaks and you can see what it does to turn decent kids in the wrong direction. I wish I had intervened sooner as opposed to telling easy child to get over it.

I'm sorry your daughter feels bad. I really hate bullies and this age. </span>

 

[kris]

<span style="color: #990000">i agree with-the others. middle school is the three lowest circles of he*l. there seems to be no way around it. they just have to muddle through.

it's easy for us, as adults, to tell them to just ingnore it, but this is their life & it hurts terribly when this stuff happens to them perpetrated by people they like & trust.

i simply can't believe such a big deal is being made about a *bad* word....i've heard the middle school kids getting on & off the bus & they all talk curse like the proverbial sailors.

since there is no fix for this i think the best thing you can do is let her know you are there to listen to her....that you will intervene if/when she asks you to, but not before ~~~ nothing worse than having your mom making an unasked for fuss with-the the school. of course if you really belive things have progressed beyond the *norm* you'll have to step in anyway & she needs to know that.

certainly encourage her friendship with-the one girl you mentioned. try & open convos about the state of middle school horrors when the opportunity presents itself. give them ops to problem solve together.

it does get better in HS....at least by 10th grade. it's just a long haul until then.

kris </span>

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks for the support. I can understand how kids go bad dealing with this. My easy child isn't really one of the kids who gets picked on, nor is she non-aggressive. She wants to beat these kids up...lol. I had to tell her that she can only use her mouth NOT her fists or she'll make it worse, and not be excused. Last week the kids had their Valentines Day Party. She is only in 5th grade, but they start middle school in 5th grade in our small town. Anyways, I didn't like the V-day party. You could purchase valentines for a dime for any kids you wanted, which meant some kids got a lot more than other kids. I never care for that. I was one kid who got NO valentines, and one valentine that said, "DO NOT BE MINE" and it hurts. But that's how they did it. My easy child got eight V-day cards, which she said was the most of any girl. Of course, she went out of her way and went to the dollar store and bought candy for all her best friends who turned on her this week...lol. She's not the only one who "gets it." I see a disturbing pattern with this group (which consists of four girls and two boys). One of the boys is like a girl and turns on you in a really mean way. The girls get into fights and turn on each other. My daughter doesn't participate in this backstabbing. She only gets mad if somebody has hurt her. I can't believe the big deal made out of this word either. It's true, there are many kids who already swear like sailors. Plus I know my daughter well and, at least at this time, she'd never post that word on the internet. The kids seem to really enjoy the little dramas of their world at each other's expense. My daughter hates all the backbiting and fighting.

 

[tiredmommy]

Maybe it's time for her and the best friend to find some new opportunities for friendship: join a service club, sport or scouting. Frankly, being in band saved me as a kid by keeping my free time to a minimum and also giving me something fulfilling to do when my group of friends shifted like this. Big {{{hugs}}} for easy child.

 

[Wiped Out]

MWM,
I'm sorry for your daughter's pain. I just don't understand why the girls have to get into the backstabbing. It is so hurtful and mean. I like TM's idea. I hope her day today was a better one. Hugs.

 

[Hound dog]

Jr High is indeed one of the worst experiences a kid can have to endure.

And I was sure to tell my kids that. Every single time it happened. Jr High isn't forever. Even had to do it for the high school a few times. I mostly tried to keep what was going on in perspective for them. Then we'd dicuss what a friend was and how one expects a friend to behave.

I always kept eyes and ears open to make sure nothing got out of hand. But did my best to let my kids make up their own minds on who to hang out with.

easy child had a best friend turn on her in high school. She felt so betrayed she used to tell me how much she hated the girl. I used to respond by reminding her that this same girl had befriended her when no one else would cuz she was the new girl in town. How the girl had stuck up for her over the yrs repeatedly, and stuck by easy child during some pretty rough stuff. Then I'd tell her high school will pass, they'll grow up. And real life is nothing like high school.
easy child let me know a few months back that she connected up with the girl via My Space. The girl (who really did go off the deep end in high school) is getting her masters degree and has once again become the person easy child remembers. She spent a long time apologizing to easy child for the way she treated her in high school. And thanked easy child for never cutting her down and hurting her back. She explained to easy child that it took college to make her realize just how awful she'd behaved in high school. It made easy child cry. And they're once again best friends.

(((hugs)))