Elijah suspended from kindergarten again: "Sexual Harassment"

[jcox]

My little Elijah who is six years old has the diagnoses of ADHD, Bipolar II with Rapid Cycling, Sensory Processing Disorder, and Cognitive Disorder with Executive Functions weakness. He is in a SPED substantially seperate class of mixed grades. There are four other children in his class who are third and fourth graders, a SPED teacher, a classroom aid, and his one on one aid. This is the fourth time he has gotten suspended this school year, the second time for Sexual Harassment. He grabbed his one on one aides crotch. He told me his belly just did it. He often tells me that belly talks to him and tells him to do bad things. He holds conversations with belly and often argues with him. The school had a meeting about a month ago to talk about Elijah when he moved to the SPED class which is in a different school than regular kindergarten. At the meeting I did not think very highly of his new principal. I told the man about four times how children with bipolar can be hypersexual. He kept saying that it was very concerning to him and what would make a child act this way. I even brought him in papers and quotes off the internet about how children with bipolar often are hypersexual. He did not seem to say anything about them so I do not even know if he read it. When I picked him up today his one on one aid told me that she does not know what they are going to do next. I guess i will find out at the meeting. I get so frustrated dealing with the school. My son does not learn anything from being suspended. He is so impulsive that three quarters of the time I honestly don't think he knows what he is doing and even when he does his body does not get the difference between right and wrong. When he is suspended he does not mind because he prefers to be home anyways. I don't really give him many consiquences at home when he is suspended because I believe he did not mean to do what he did, could not control his body, and did not know it was wrong. If I was to give him consiquences then he would probably just rage because he would not know why. Maybe that is wrong. I don't know. I guess I will see what happens Thursday morning. I know that they are going to push for me to send him to the hospital when I don't think that is necessary now. He has an appointment in Boston at Tufts Medical Center on Friday morning with a new psychiatrist. I will see what he has to say. Thanks to all who listened.
Janice

 

[bran155]

I am so sorry. I remember reading one of your posts with regards to "belly". Poor thing!!! I can only imagine how hard this is on you. My heart goes out to you as well as the little guy. I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to send you some (((HUGS)).

I hope you make some headway with the new psychiatrist. Good luck with the meeting. Let us know how it goes.

Hang in there and God bless.

 

[Nancy423]

What I'd do - ask for a manifestation hearing and bring an advocate!!!

goodness, i can see a "no tolerance" school policy, but it's crazy when it comes to a Kgartener!!!

 

[Shari]

I am so sorry. My son, also 6, has hypersexual tendencies, and we've been lucky so far that this hasn't been an issue.

Its interesting, you talk about your son's belly. My son talks about a motor in his tummy that drives him and has since he could talk. I wonder what exactly they are referring to...?

 

[Janna]

Schools are just no fun.

First, does he have an IEP? An FBA (Functional Behavior Assessment)? Are they following it/them? There has to be a REASON why your son is doing what he is doing. And, honestly, ok, maybe he's hypersexual because he's Bipolar. But your son needs to learn it's not OK. It doesn't matter that he's Bipolar, that doesn't mean he can go around grabbing peoples crotches. So, he needs to have a consistent consequence, whether that be home or school, when this happens. It should be written in the FBA. Someone needs to get to the root of the issue. And, why isn't the one on one aide dealing with this?

Honestly, if this was my kid, I'd be all over the aide, the principal and the school district. The aide should be working on 1) WHAT led up to this incident, 2) WHY it is occuring continuously and 3) having the consequence in effect for when it does happen (and, obviously, suspension/detention is NOT working, so "we" need to put a plan into place that DOES work).

I'd try contacting the Supervisor or Director of Special Education for your School District first. Detailing all the incidents (start writing everything down) and seeing how you (always say "what can WE do...") can resolve the situation. Maybe it's just a matter of sitting down with the aide, or calling an IEP meeting, or getting an Advocate to help you. If your son does not have an FBA, I would suggest sending a request, in writing, immediately to the school and having this done. You can search FBA's on the internet and find sample letters (I think they have some at Wright's Law).

Good luck to ya.

 

[Rotsne]

Somehow I am happy that I am living several thousand kilometers away.

My son had two girlsfriends in the kindergarten and they planned to form a kind of marriage you only see in Utah. They even kissed every morning. He also slapped a womans behind in a supermarket where he was very close to get slapped across the face until she realized that it was a child (We have no sexual harassment laws in the public. Women are allowed to use a little violence if someone touches them in an inappropriate way). He also touched one of the staff members breast. The woman in the supermarket lectured me with humor and so did the staff.

I guess that my son was hypersexual and very obsessed in the opposite sex. Eventually he found out what he was looking for and broke up with his girlfriends once he started in school. My tracking program in our firewall picks up links about ponyplay and I hope that it is him because I dont want to think about my daughter with a bit in her mouth. I haven't brought it up with him. As long as it is kept at distance and he is not dating, I don't see a problem. He doesn't have many friends and use most of his day in the library read books, studying and surfing on their computers (which have filters).

 

[jcox]

Yes. Elijah does have an IEP. He is supposed to be getting a Behavioral Intervention Plan which I have not seen yet. They did a Functional Behavioral Analysis on him, but I have not seen anything about that either. I have tried talking and talking with the school about how suspending him does not teach him anything. They keep telling me that they have policies and procedures that they need to follow for all the children and that even though my son has an IEP and several diagnoses that they need to discipline him the same way they would any other child who did these things. The difference is that my son does not mean to do these things... his body just does them. He keeps telling me that belly told him to touch her and he did not do it belly did.

 

[Nancy423]

Yes. They keep telling me that they have policies and procedures that they need to follow for all the children and that even though my son has an IEP and several diagnoses that they need to discipline him the same way they would any other child who did these things. The difference is that my son does not mean to do these things... his body just does them. He keeps telling me that belly told him to touch her and he did not do it belly did.

Buncha malarky......that's what they said about my difficult child "this is school policy" blah blah blah. That's what the BIP is for - to prevent the occurrance of unwanted behavior thru different/positive means so this kind of behavior does not manifest. Get on the phone with- the Special Education coordinator or facilitator or whomever and get a copy of the BIP. Sounds like they're dragging their feet!

2. I am also saying that my difficult child "doesn't mean to do it" however, I have come to the conclusion that I have to make her aware that what good behavior really IS. I am not going to be around forever, and the world is not going to conform to her. I have to make it clear to her that she needs to learn how to control herself. We're making progress.....slowly....veeeeerrrrrrrry slowly

3. get an advocate who knows the system. Could be that the IEP or FBA, or BIP is inadequate but it's going to take work in order to get the SD to change. by the way, once a BIP goes into place you can call for a review if you don't see any changes in behavior (and as often as needed)

 

[klmno]

I'm going to apologize ahead of time for not reading every word written on this thread before replying. I think you need a manifestation hearing and it should be determined that this is a manifestation of the disability. If not, appeal that decision. If it is, then they can't put him on long term suspension for that. Unfortunately, they can look at a different placement and unless you can get him additional supports in that school, you might have to consider it.

 

[BusynMember]

I truly believe he is hallucinating. Maybe he needs to be in a Day Treatment Center while he gets the right type of medication. It's not normal that he talks to his belly and his belly tells him to do bad things. It really isn't. I wish you luck with this--maybe you need a second opinion on his medications. I doubt he can learn much with all the mental turmoil going on in his little head, poor thing.

 

[Janna]

I was going to question the belly issue, too, but didn't.

When did they do the FBA? Who did it? When completed, you should be meeting with school psychologist (who should have done the FBA), principal, teachers, and anyone else involved in your child, to discuss the behaviors, what causes the behaviors, and what interventions can be put in place to decrease the behaviors. If you haven't heard anything, call. Call the principal, call the District, call someone and see WHY you haven't received anything yet.

Take it from someone who truly knows, they are not going to *offer* you anything. You will always have to take the initiative. These people are not your friends. They are getting paid to educate. Call them and nag. Tell them you want the FBA done and completed.

I still, pardon my forwardness, think your son needs an immediate consequence for this behavior. I understand what you're saying and where you're coming from, but this type of behavior should be nipped in the bud immediately. I would be calling the aide first thing in the morning and telling her she is going to have to figure out what to do about this.

Your son is not a regular student. He's a special education student with an IEP. He deserves accomodations and interventions to help him through school.

You know, too, what state do you live in? You should get on the internet and search the Department of Education (I'm stealing your advice MWM LOL) in whatever the state capital is. Tell them what is going on and ask them to refer you to an Advocate. You sound like you need help. And, an Advocate will absolutely tell you all your rights, and your son's.

If I were you, I'd be trying to get all this together now. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you're very, very lucky that he's only in kindergarten. You have SO MUCH time to get this together now, so you're not dealing with this in middle school (like me, and it bites). Don't let them push you around. Get the help with the Advocate, and you'll be amazed just how much they want to help you once you have someone that knows their games on your side.

 

[klmno]

Yeah-watch the school timelines on this-- some states have a deadline on how many days can pass before your option to appeal is gone. Don't be shocked if they are trying to fool you into letting this drag until that deadline has passed.

 

[jcox]

What would an appropriate consiquence be for this behavior seeing he did it impulsively, did not mean to, and did not know that it was wrong even though we told him about fifty times? It can not be an immediate consiquence when the school waits until two hours after his school day is done to tell me he is suspended, and lets him finish up the last two hours of his day at school after this happened. They let him finish his day... when I picked him up they told me what happened. Then did not call me until two hours later to tell me that he was suspended for the next two days. I know about that in my state if a child is suspended more than ten days then they have to hold a special manifestation meeting to determine if the behavior is a result of his disabilities... he is up to five days now. I almost wish they would send him to the alternative school the next town over. They are a special public school for children with social-emotional issues like my son. I have pushed for it, but they said that they want to try thier best and do all they can do to keep him in our district first. Back to my question: What would be an appropriate consiquence for me to do? If I tell him no television or what ever he will get very mad and have a big fit because he would not understand why... I think that is part of his cognitive disorder... he does not get the difference between right and wrong.

 

[Janna]

I haven't had this issue. I can't tell you what the consequence should be. But, I can tell you that this should be discussed during the FBA meeting, and one needs to be thought up and kept to. Your aide does not sound like she's doing her job. Your son may have cognitive delays/disorder, but he still needs to learn consequences. He still needs to learn he can't go around grabbing people's crotches. If he's doing it impulsively, or truly believing he is doing it because his belly is telling him to, I think you have bigger issues than just hypersexual Bipolar. And, if he's done this before with no consequence, no wonder he continues. Why wouldn't he? He's not getting in trouble.

I have no answer for you on the consequence. No, I don't think you should consequence him 3 hours after the fact. The AIDE should be doing that, IMMEDIATELY, in school. Which is why I say, the aide doesn't sound like she's doing her job.

I still think you should get yourself an Advocate. Sorry I couldn't be more help.

 

[Wiped Out]

My son has been suspended several times over the years. Some I agree he deserved-like throwing a stapler at a teacher. Many I believe he didn't deserve-they were caused by Special Education teachers not following the BIP.

Eventually we did do a type of manifestation determination. At that point he had been suspended 8 times and it is suppose to be 10 times but we talked with the Special Education. person at the district. She read the extensive Neuro-psychiatric report and a letter from the psychiatrist saying much of what he was being suspended for was directly related to his disability. They decided he was not to be out of school suspended unless it was a level 4 behavior. They still consequence him but not with suspension which did no good.

However, whenever difficult child was suspended, I made sure he had "school" at home during the hours he would be at school even when I didn't agree with the suspension. We did school stuff and cleaning stuff and I read to him a lot. Also he just received peanut butter and jelly sandwiches-nothing else. I wanted him to know that even if it was hard he needed to try and control his behavior. I also wanted him to not "like" being suspended.

Hugs to you tonight.

 

[lillians]

it dpesnt sound as thothe aide is trained for your child,, i think she needs to learn some positive reinforcementmaybe every hour a reward for not listening to the belly,,how sad indeedi am so sorry to see folks go thru such nonsense,, i do feel rewards for good non stop work better than consequences if at all possible,, always take an advocate,, someone who is knowledgeable and not emotionally chatrged as we parents are, sometimes we hear with our hearts,,,, and choices lessen,, the best of luck to you

 

[hearts and roses]

Sending hugs and prayers that you find a solution to this situation.

Regarding the aide: The aides for our special needs children in our school district are not specifically trained to deal with special needs children. They basically are regular lay people who happen to want to work with children. They work part time days and are paid a low wage, just at minimum and usually do not receive any further benefits, such as sick or vacation time, paid holidays, etc.

My point is that you should find out what credentials your son's aide carries and what her past experience has been in working with special needs children. It is very possible that she has little to no training. You need an aide who you can trust to dole out the appropriate punishment to your son immediates following something like grabbing her crotch; someone who understands his impulsivity issues and brain issues and can still have a little empathy for him due to the fact that he likely doesn't fully understand why what he did was wrong. Urgh - it is just so wrong that SD's think it's okay to just have someone 'babysit' these children who have so many needs during the day. They need specialists. Sorry for the mini-rant.

I hope you're able to resolve this issue.

ps: I'm not saying it's the aide's fault. I'm just saying that how she (and school admin) reacts to his actions is a factor here.