BackintheSaddle
Active Member
Hello all- I got an email from my difficult child (who hasn't been talking to me this week) sent me an email today that I've pasted below (in italics-- copied it directly, no hello or anything)...I need your advice on if/how to respond! the gist of our story culminated on 12/21 when he, my 19yo son, bipolar but refuses to admit it or take medications, came at me, grabbed and shooked me-- I ran outside and called 911 (this was the 4th and final time after several threats to call 911)...my father came and got him (no arrest) and he's been living in that toxic house ever since...my parents turned on me (never exactly been in my corner anyway) and said I was wrong to call 911, I should let my son back in the house, I provoked him (I asked him to come do some chores outside in a tone of voice he didn't like)...he's been living over there and still expecting me to pay for things...it's taken me awhile but I'm slowly cutting him off...about a week ago, I let him know I'm no longer paying for his truck insurance (he's working, going to community college and I paid for his books-- and if he gets a 3.0-- which he never has before-- I had agreed to pay him the tuition back)...he caused quite a stir by going to my father to ask him to pay for it (the kid has $2000 in savings-- he can pay his insurance)...my father then sent me a long email on Wednesday, asking what "my intentions are with regard to paying for difficult child's school"...he also put a lot more in that email, has let me know I'm not in his will anymore because of all this, said things about how all of this is my fault (I've been in therapy all my life to get away from them-- he's a dry drunk, my mom is where my difficult child gets his crazy genes from)...my mother sent me a screaming email (all caps, exclamations) yesterday to tell me to leave them alone, let difficult child be (I wasn't doing anything)...then today, I get this private email from difficult child to me...(I have not told husband yet because I want to think it thru some before hearing him be angry about it)...
when I first read it, I was impressed by how carefully he says things, somewhat insightful of how I might feel, but basically asking me to apologize for everything I've said and done. Yes, he did 'apologize' for attacking me the following day but it was 'I'm sorry but you provoked me'...no remorse ever...it's enlightening to read because of how he shares his perspective-- is that last paragraph patronizing to you?...then I've read it several times now and don't know how to take it...or how to feel...I responded when I got it (using advice from a thread) to thank him for the message, it was good to hear from him...and that I needed time to think about it before responding but I appreciated him reaching out to me...what do you think?
I would just like to say, I did say thank you for the books you bought. I made a point in doing so. And I hate the fact that you and dad keep saying "I just need to accept responsibility for my actions." I did. I did for all of them. I apologized exclusively in front of many people crying many times. And many times before and after that. I've accepted I'm no longer welcome at my used to be home. I've accepted that the both of you don't feel the need or want to support me as much or not at all anymore. I've accepted I'm probably not going to have a strong relationship ever with my parents for the rest of my life. All of it is unfortunate, but I accept it. I'm sorry but I really just don't believe that you, mom, have accepted the responsibility of your actions. As well as dad. Like for instance, kicking me out of the house, yes, you have given me a fair warning and I may have deserved it in y'alls eyes, but it hurts a lot more than me grabbing your arms. I promise. And the only sorry I have heard come out of your mouth is "I'm sorry you put yourself in this situation." You've got to realize mom, everybody's not out to get you. I'm not out to get you. I promise you my life and everything I stand for that none of us are out to get you. We just all want peace. Just the same as I'm sure you do. So we all have a common goal, why not work WITH each other, instead of AGAINST each other to obtain it? And I really am trying my best to say this in the most non-offensive way as possible so hopefully you'll listen and not think I'm trying to insult your person, but instead I am reaching at to you as your son. And I will say sorry ahead of time in case anything I have said or am going to say is hurtful, but just know that is not my intention. I think, that one of the next steps that need to be taken is for you to open your mind to every one else's situation and just try to write a letter of apology to everybody. And cover everything that you may or may not have caused. It might not be the most painless thing. But try and be the bigger person. Prove that you are the bigger person. The bigger person doesn't contribute to the argument, but instead finds a means to an end, even if they're not happy with it. Right now based on your emails and texts. It sounds like you feel like you've been painted in the corner. Which it is very possible that I am wrong saying this, so please correct me if so. But if you do feel like that, for one it is understandable, and for two know that nobody is out trying to get you or trying to blame everything on you. I promise you that much. But right now, I really think that everybody on this end just thinks you're incapable of seeing blame on yourself. And I am sorry that is that way, I don't mean that offensively, I truly don't. But why not prove everybody wrong? Or a better question, what would even be the harm in proving us wrong? The only thing that it'd prove is that you are right and we are wrong about you being able to apologize and see the blame in yourself. I know, personally, for me, it would mean the world and give me some sort of glimmer of hope if you could do so. So even if you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for me. I may not deserve it, but I would very much appreciate it. So please just think about what I have said. It would mean a lot.
On the other subject, why don't we talk about what everyone else has done to offend you. Or to hurt you. Maybe this will help you get out some of your emotions, and anger that you have and possibly even help you do the first favor that I have requested. I am happy to hear it, I just would appreciate it if you would try and communicate it as nice as possibly. And I would also like to give you my input on whatever you have to say if that's alright? So maybe, you can understand better both sides of the story? I would like for you to just let me know what I have done since the 21st and how it offended you. I would also like for you to let me know of what anybody else has done to offend you so I may be enlightened about that as well. I think the key in any kind of problem is 1 gathering as much intel as you can from everybody that you can and begin to devise a solution to the problem based off of the intel. This includes getting to know all sides of the stories and understanding them and even why a person did what they did. And when you understand that, it is much easier not to carry grudges and instead carry understanding and concern with everything that you say. And as long as these emails, just between you and me stay civil, there is a greater possibility that we may fix this strain in our relationship.
Please give all of this some consideration. I would very much appreciate it. These conversations can just be between me and you if you'd like.
I love you
[difficult child]
when I first read it, I was impressed by how carefully he says things, somewhat insightful of how I might feel, but basically asking me to apologize for everything I've said and done. Yes, he did 'apologize' for attacking me the following day but it was 'I'm sorry but you provoked me'...no remorse ever...it's enlightening to read because of how he shares his perspective-- is that last paragraph patronizing to you?...then I've read it several times now and don't know how to take it...or how to feel...I responded when I got it (using advice from a thread) to thank him for the message, it was good to hear from him...and that I needed time to think about it before responding but I appreciated him reaching out to me...what do you think?
I would just like to say, I did say thank you for the books you bought. I made a point in doing so. And I hate the fact that you and dad keep saying "I just need to accept responsibility for my actions." I did. I did for all of them. I apologized exclusively in front of many people crying many times. And many times before and after that. I've accepted I'm no longer welcome at my used to be home. I've accepted that the both of you don't feel the need or want to support me as much or not at all anymore. I've accepted I'm probably not going to have a strong relationship ever with my parents for the rest of my life. All of it is unfortunate, but I accept it. I'm sorry but I really just don't believe that you, mom, have accepted the responsibility of your actions. As well as dad. Like for instance, kicking me out of the house, yes, you have given me a fair warning and I may have deserved it in y'alls eyes, but it hurts a lot more than me grabbing your arms. I promise. And the only sorry I have heard come out of your mouth is "I'm sorry you put yourself in this situation." You've got to realize mom, everybody's not out to get you. I'm not out to get you. I promise you my life and everything I stand for that none of us are out to get you. We just all want peace. Just the same as I'm sure you do. So we all have a common goal, why not work WITH each other, instead of AGAINST each other to obtain it? And I really am trying my best to say this in the most non-offensive way as possible so hopefully you'll listen and not think I'm trying to insult your person, but instead I am reaching at to you as your son. And I will say sorry ahead of time in case anything I have said or am going to say is hurtful, but just know that is not my intention. I think, that one of the next steps that need to be taken is for you to open your mind to every one else's situation and just try to write a letter of apology to everybody. And cover everything that you may or may not have caused. It might not be the most painless thing. But try and be the bigger person. Prove that you are the bigger person. The bigger person doesn't contribute to the argument, but instead finds a means to an end, even if they're not happy with it. Right now based on your emails and texts. It sounds like you feel like you've been painted in the corner. Which it is very possible that I am wrong saying this, so please correct me if so. But if you do feel like that, for one it is understandable, and for two know that nobody is out trying to get you or trying to blame everything on you. I promise you that much. But right now, I really think that everybody on this end just thinks you're incapable of seeing blame on yourself. And I am sorry that is that way, I don't mean that offensively, I truly don't. But why not prove everybody wrong? Or a better question, what would even be the harm in proving us wrong? The only thing that it'd prove is that you are right and we are wrong about you being able to apologize and see the blame in yourself. I know, personally, for me, it would mean the world and give me some sort of glimmer of hope if you could do so. So even if you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for me. I may not deserve it, but I would very much appreciate it. So please just think about what I have said. It would mean a lot.
On the other subject, why don't we talk about what everyone else has done to offend you. Or to hurt you. Maybe this will help you get out some of your emotions, and anger that you have and possibly even help you do the first favor that I have requested. I am happy to hear it, I just would appreciate it if you would try and communicate it as nice as possibly. And I would also like to give you my input on whatever you have to say if that's alright? So maybe, you can understand better both sides of the story? I would like for you to just let me know what I have done since the 21st and how it offended you. I would also like for you to let me know of what anybody else has done to offend you so I may be enlightened about that as well. I think the key in any kind of problem is 1 gathering as much intel as you can from everybody that you can and begin to devise a solution to the problem based off of the intel. This includes getting to know all sides of the stories and understanding them and even why a person did what they did. And when you understand that, it is much easier not to carry grudges and instead carry understanding and concern with everything that you say. And as long as these emails, just between you and me stay civil, there is a greater possibility that we may fix this strain in our relationship.
Please give all of this some consideration. I would very much appreciate it. These conversations can just be between me and you if you'd like.
I love you
[difficult child]