Ever seriously think of just moving away?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by BusynMember, May 16, 2019.

  1. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I am in that frame of mind. For real.

    Without boring you with a long history, I am tired of being rejected by loved ones all my life and now my child did it. My husband doesn't understand my terror of rejection. He left me once so I will never believe he definitely wont leave again. My two good kids are on their own and busy. One could move far away as her husband is searching the country for jobs. Kay dumped me. That is the last straw. It demoralized me. Dumped again, naturally.

    All day I have looked for places I can afford to live on my own. Far away. I was doing better on and off but the final rejection just makes me want to be alone. I have given enough of myself and deserve to live without the fear and pressure of family, which never worked well for me. I do better in groups of casual friends. I don't even mind solidary holidays. I just don't want to worry about the rest of my small family leaving

    I have thought about southern states like Alabama and that area with a low cost of living. I also am exploring other countries where i could be very comfortable on a dime.

    Am I serious?

    Yes. That's the scary part. I can do it.

    Has anyone else thought of this? Yes, yes, it is running away. But it sounds glorious. I have been discarded by loved ones so often that I love them, but am detached to an extent. I don't like having to risk my heart. It has been torn in half.

    Contrary to what Kay says, my husband doesn't always stick up for me. He is usually mute or does the opposite and says aggressive things that inflame situations.

    When he left for a month for another woman I was just a shadow walking around. He begged to come back but I never felt secure after that. I have talked to him about everything but things don't change on his side even in therapy. I feel as if I do all the work. He is puzzled that I am still insecure after ten years. Maybe I am silly but it was a huge trauma. I cant feel safe with him now.

    So let me know if you ever just wanted to start over. My husband is close to retiring and I cant imagine me retiring in a few years and being with him around the clock. I have a pension I can use even if I move and retire a few years early.

    I would love to move to a friendly senior community where I could make acquaintances to talk to but not have to please intimately. I must sound crazy but even before Kay kicked me out of her life, this was on my mind.
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Our plan is to buy a camper trailer and at least escape several times during the year. I am not at the point to sell our home and move away permanently. My adult DS and DHs adult daughter lives here and things are good between us.

    We enjoy our friends from church, neighbors, friends from my high school. Plus, we like our doctors and other professional contacts.

    We would like to use the camper for away time, but also to do volunteer work thru our church or other community organizations. Maybe you have heard of MDS? Mennonite Disaster Service... There are many opportunities to serve in areas we would also like to visit. There is also SOOP, Service Opportunities for Older People. We would like to volunteer with them in San Antonio, helping refugees get to appointments, and meeting basic needs of shelter and food.

    So many opportunities...and at least we would be around people who appreciate us. We aren't getting that from our two adopted DGDs right now.

    Ksm
     
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Busy,

    I have definitely left husbands/boyfriends when the situation was no longer working for me.

    I wouldn’t call it running away; I would call it taking control of your own life and doing what is best for you.

    I would not stay in a situation that was not making me happy.

    Your kids are all adults and have their own lives now. You are not obligated to live near them if you choose to move somewhere else. However, I don’t see the two healthy offspring rejecting you. It sounds like Kay has been a difficult person for a long time who may also have mental health problems that she refuses to deal with. She definitely has substance abuse problems. You can’t do anything about that, but don’t assume your other kids will reject you because of your experiences with her.

    Are you in counseling? You really need to talk to someone about these feelings of rejection/fears of rejection. I wouldn’t make any big decisions until you have separated fears from reality.
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I agree that it would be hard to trust my husband if he left for another woman and then came back. Yuck right?

    Maybe your feelings permanently changed for your husband after that? I think that is a possibility but many couples get through it too.

    My brother's wife had a two year affair about ten years ago. It was with her high school boyfriend that was also married with 5 kids. They all lived in a small town.

    They now have just retired and are happy so he was able to move on and stay with her and be happy/content/whatever.

    I agree with AppleCori. I'd get some therapy and direction to sort out your true feelings.

    Don't let your daughter's behavior ruin your life.

    If you believe then I'd pray for some answers and direction. It works.
     
  5. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Thanks for the feedback. Iam Ia the fence right now.
     
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Are you going to see Kay and your grandson this weekend as planned?
     
  7. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    They decided not to come.

    Because Kay has told me in front of my husband that she and Lee dont believe in Western medicine including antibiotics for strep throat and other infections or chemo for cancer, we are deciding if we need to call CPS to at least get them on the radar. We want a paper trail, even a pathetic one.

    Although cps cant do anything about their views unless Jaden does get a disease and they dont treat it the right way, we were told to call cps about blatant pot use near Jaden and blowing the smoke directly in a 5 year old's face.

    Even if you have a legal card for pot, cps frowns upon smoking with your kid there and most especially deliberately blowing smoke in the childs face. That is the only thing we have now, but it will be a marker if worse happens. We are afraid they will inadvertantly kill him.

    It is my desire not to do cps. My husband wants to skip it too. But if we do, knowing all that we know, and if anything happened to Jaden we would never forgive ourselves for not doing the little that we can.

    So Kay will figure its us and we wont be allowed near Jaden. Moot point that. She already told us she was not going to continue any relationship with us. Now its about trying to get some caseworker to be watching them so that they are maybe afraid not to take Jaden to a medical doctor when he is ill. This is all we can do.

    Not much.
     
  8. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    You have done all you can. I agree that you need to regain balance, mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual.

    What I call our four seated teeter totter can get really low to the ground when it is overloaded with mental and emotional baggage. When I start thinking as you are, YES, been there, I know I need to regain my balance before making that decision. I get back to my T'AI chi (cant do heavy exercise because of my physical health), I meditate and pray, deep breath, clean closets, ask a friend if they need anything and head to the store. I turn on upbeat music and force myself to move around and sing. If only for a few minutes, I escape and I am better for it.

    Thinking of you.
     
  9. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I don't believe in running to the doctor for every ailment, but sometimes it's necessary. I try to treat a problem with herbal or natural remedies first. Physical therapy has always worked better for me than medications. But, one time when I had a bladder infection, I was determined I was going to wait it out and let it resolve on its own. Days passed. I had a fever of 104 because the infection entered my bloodstream. The antibiotic literally saved my life.
     
  10. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    They will not give her antibiotics. Just vitimins.