explosive anger......

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Sep 7, 2009.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    i know it's been a very long time, and i'm sorry yet i've been so busy with the kids i haven't had the chance since becoming newly unemployed.

    I find myself in need of thoughts tonight, blended families can be so hard. My fiance's daughter, she'll be 14 this month. She is a difficult child, more difficult than most in multiple ways.

    Normally it's ok between us, i dont' involve myself too much i dont' repremand, etc. i let her dad due it all. Today i was alone with-her a bit. She pushed me on certain things she knew she wouldnt' be allowed to do i handled it, yet she was pushing buttons.

    Needless to say night came and she yelled at the younger two, which upset me. I firmly told her that is not her place. Well, she blew she yelled and screamed cursed me out, called me names all sorts of interesting names, told me to move out i dont' pay the bills here anyway. it was really bad. I tried to think and not engage, yet I did say several times who do you think you are at your age, you need to learn respect do not speak to me in that way and i walked away and diffused it.

    this kid is rough. she wound up leaving here tonight. her father jumped in and tried to calm her and get her to be quiet, yet he sat quietly wtih her and talked to her in the other room while she belittled and insulted me. this was due to me speaking up and said there is no way i will have her do family movie night after her behavior, she needs to be consequenced now. there is a history of this kid becoming volatile in the past in her own home, breaking things, etc. she's currently in therapy yet i think one of the problems is everyone in her family kit gloves her because their afraid of a blow up again. she curses out adults like it's nothing. i strongly feel that they handle her badly, for instance had i said nothing tonight she would of been allowed to watch a movie no problem. to me sending wrong signal and message to a kid.

    what would any of you do in this situation. i'm disgusted by her behavior, not looking forward to the next time she's here to be honest. i'm upset my difficult child had to witness it and the other younger 2.

    any thoughts?? i know i have to be the adult here, yet i'm really feeling like she's only going to be 14 the worst has yet to come. Her dad didnt' handle it how i had hoped he would either. he ofcourse did step in yet a huge calming force as opposed to planting her which is what i would of done.

    ok, thanks sorry that was long. i actually climbed out of bed couldnt' sleep to get this out lol......
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome back :tongue:. I read this and thought I'd share what happened in our blended family and what MAY be going on with your SO. I was parent in this case and husband was the step and my kids were NOT nice or respectful to him. These are the things that went through my head and how we finally resolved the problem.

    1/"My god, I love him so much, but THEY don't. I picked him, they didn't. They love their father and don't want this interloper to tell them what to do, and I do understand it."

    2/"I feel guilty. There's this new person in their lives and their confused already because of the divorce."

    3/"This isn't working at all."

    Ok, what husband and I decided to do is to let ME and my EX do the disciplining of the kids and he would function, not as a parent figure, but as a helpmate and friend. Instantly the antagonism died down when they realized he wasn't trying to be heir parent. I can't speak for your fiance's daughter, butu my own kids were 16, 15 and 8 at the time and none of them were going to let them him tell them what to do. It wasn't going to happen. The house was going to be in a constant state of chaos and fighting and they were all disrespectful. Punishing them only made them hate him more and I didn't want that atmosphere at home.

    husband was more than glad to let me and ex do the disciplining. The kids had a good relationship with their father and when we parented together, they didn't feel like the outsider was bossing them around. I have very strong willed kids and no matter how much I loved my hub, THEY hadn't chosen him to be in their life and they weren't going to accept him as another parental figure. These kids are grown now and everyone gets along great, but this is how we handled it in our house. I'm guessing SO feels some guilt over the divorce and bringing you into their lives, even though I'm sure he loves you to pieces. He may not be able to be as hard on his daughter as you want him to be because he loves HER so much too and, even though stepdaughter behaved badly, I believe there is always some kid guilt with divorce. That's why we have Disneyland Dads. Guilt over divorce.

    Don't let it break you up or cause too many problems, especially if you only have her sometimes. Get together and decide how you both want to handle this. You may want to do it differently than me and hub did, but you have to both be on the same page for anything to work. Also, every child is different and responds to different things. He can't force his daughter, especially at fourteen, to think of you as a parental figure or not to resent you (if she does). You may have to go to counseling together to try to figure out the best way to exist. We didn't have to go that far, but many families do.

    Also, remember you're not married yet. My kids wanted to break us up until the wedding so they worse before than after. It's hard on EVERYONE in a blended family.

    I wish you good luck. Keep us posted on how it all shakes out.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Speaking as the parent of an explosive 14 year old girl, I understand with the father did....and frankly, it is exactly what the therapists are advising us (whether I agree with it is another story). The therapists in our case are acting as if the angry outbursts are caused by adults being unreasonable (raising our voice or yelling, making demands when she is not ready, expecting her to be more mature, etc)...and so when the child becomes angry, we have been advised to give her all kinds of space and calm her down and not to punish her for being angry.

    By being a reasonable person and reprimanding the 14-year-old for yelling at the other children, you set off her anger. The father could either escalate the situation (which would likely have resulted in a very scary and violent rage), or he could try to calm her....which it sounds like he did.

    Life with a child who has these angry outbursts can be very stressful...

    My advice would be (believe it or not), to see if you could get involved with some family counseling sessions with this girl's therapist. It could help if the therapist navigated a course for your new family which included appropriate boundaries and rules for respecting new family members....and how it should be handled if those boundaries are crossed.

    Setting up some new rules might go a long way to avert future misunderstandings.


  4. ML

    ML Guest

    I think counseling might help. There is always resentment to the new parent figure after divorce. It's hard because of guilt, different feelings towards the kids and different parenting styles in general. The jealousy is real, but try not to let it have free reign. Manster, just 4 when I remarried, would cry out "you love husband more than you love me" whenever we would kiss or hug. He voiced the feeling that most kids feel in this situation. Perhaps a good therapist could encourage everyone to talk about their feelings and come up with some ground rules. With difficult children this situation is just magnified immensely. Hugs of support xo ML
    PS, don't worry about not being here. I haven't been here as often I as I like either but the craziness of difficult child life is unpredictible and everyone here understands that. I always miss you when you're gone and it's nice to "see" you.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    We're still dealing with this, almost ten years after Hubby and I got married. Miss KT is incredibly rude and hostile, wherever Hubby's concerned. This morning we had yet another blow-up because he was in the bathroom when she wanted to go in, and I can't get her to see that her attitude and language are way over the top. Add in that my mother thinks everything is mine and Hubby's fault, and Miss KT is so picked upon...

    Didn't mean to hijack your thread, just wanted to say that I still don't have any answers, and I'm hanging on till the day she moves out. I think that's the only way I'll get any peace.

    Many hugs. Hope it gets better at your house.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi guys and thank you.

    I sat up till 3 last night, was really disturbed by this entire thing. I think we all have levels of what we're willing to accept especially second time around, being most of us dealt with alot of junk first time around lol (marriage that is).

    I cant' tolerate a kid at that age talking to me that way. The things she said were horrible. I have to admit that i cannot decide consequences for her, i do not parent her. I can't control how he handles her either or tell him how to.

    So, after sitting up till 3 a.m. i decided that i have to try to come to some sort of agreement with-him that when she acts this way she is removed from our home and brought back to her mom. Since no one is willing to consequence her, and the message she gets is it's ok to treat me that way that is the only thing that i can see doing that will get her out, not damage difficult child and his other 2 and regain calm in the home.

    So i asked him today is he willing to tell her if you act that way in our home you will be brought back to your mother's.

    I can't control how these children were raised prior to me, and alot of it is i strongly in my gut believe the way she's been kit handled and allowed to perpetuate the continuing drama. it's been allowed by both parents, and also fact that her mother is extremely explosive as well in front of her always. Now his youngest who is 8 has been kicking up also. She too will be a teenager. The way i see it is we have alot of years left of his children and the teenage years. If i don't find some boundary now i will only live a very stressful existance.

    It just floors me how these kids think they can talk to adults this way, it really does. had i did that when i was a kid i would of been drop kicked onto floor lol. i feared my mother, but it was a healthy fear ya know....

    thanks again.......
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I iwll be VERY honest with you, Jen.

    WHY did you even for a MINUTE think your SO would do anything other than to pacify her to keep her calm? While he hasn't pitched you and your difficult child and daughter out, he IS still largely funding his ex's lifestyle with her girlfriend. LONG after the courts said he did not have to.

    He will NOT put any limits on his ex and her hold on him. Not now and not at any point in the future, regardless of whether you marry him or not.

    He has NEVER disciplined the kids. He won't ever.

    Sadly, you can NOT parent his kids. Ever. No matter if you are living with their dad, or are married to him or anything else.

    ALL you can do is share the house with them when they come over. They are going to disrupt every holiday they can, and no 14yo raised the way she has been will ever show an adult the kind of respect you want.

    All of this has only one variable that you can count on changing or influencing.

    YOU. Your attituded, expectations and interactions with the other players in your life.

    You will not ever change him or make him more okay with confrontation. He just is not going to change.

    I know it hurts, but it is just life.

    YOU have to decide if the relationship is worth it or not. If it is, then you have to handle ehr differently. With kid gloves. Step AWAY from parenting her and just exist with her. Let her DAD decide on movie night. If you have a problem, talk to HIM, not her.

    Sorry I couldn't tell you what you watned to hear. She IS going to get worse. You are right about that. But he won't put his foot down.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry if this sounds mean, I do not want it to be.

    You could be my difficult children stepmom. That is the way she thinks of my difficult child and me.

    Her father is doing the best parenting for that child. Sorry if it bothers you. But, he knows what is best for her. It may not seem right to you, but if it works for the child than you have to go with it.

    I do NOT agree that her father should remove her from the home whenever you think her behavior is not acceptable. THAT is not parenting at all! That is giving up and taking the easy way out. My difficult child would have taken that action as 'my daddy does not love me anymore' and it would have only gotten worse if she had to continue to go there.

    I 'get' that it is difficult to be around someone else's child when they are acting out. Heck - it is difficult enough to be around one's own child when they are acting out.

    Just an FYI - my difficult children stepmom has totally checked out from my difficult children life. Wants nothing to do with her basically. When once she loved her as her own. Imagine how that makes a child feel? Sure, bio-parents are tempted to give up - but we never can.
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    My Step Mom did not try to really parent me. I know it is hard, but she did not have kids either.
    I was not a very stable kid. Also my father was horrible. If you remember any of the stories.

    My only point to any of this is, my Step Mom and I are very close today. She and I are close than my Father and I ever will be.
    It took a long time, even despite my BiPolar (BP), part of it was typical teen attitude.
    I came to her after years and reached out to her.

    You never know.

    Sorry it hoovers. Step relationships are hard.
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member


    it's not mean at all, it's honest and your opinion which i always appreciate all opinions. To be able to get a better grasp on it for you to see i'll share more. Her dad refuses to consequence her, I asked him to send her up the third bedroom, to sit quietly, read a book, etc. he refused to. I did not want her to leave initially at all. Yet him not giving her any consequence sends a message to my two children with whom are very impressionable, and to his other two children that this behavior is acceptable in our home. yet it isnt.

    I'd love if he'd parent her with me, consequence her, talk to her after give her coping skills, choices. Yet that isnt' how his ex and him function with her, she doesn't get them at all which in turn is partly why she is acting how she is.

    So, this remove her from home to me is my last ditch effort to draw some type of boundary for myself and the other children with whom do infact get damaged by these upsetting scenes.

    Also she's been to a pyschdoc with whom found nothing wrong with her, there is no diagnosis. I'm not a dr. i only know from work experience and my own raising yet truthfully the dynamic that exists between the parents and her i think she's fine, i just think she does because she is allowed to do. Which truly is a dramatic difference between children with whom do have a chemical inbalance and truly require medication as mine does and extreme guidance.

    Anyhow, i've always done for her, spend time with all of them am very hands on always have been, have pushed for her to be in therapy when her own mom said she doesn't have the time. When she got violent on their end than begged me to live here i told him i'd do it yet under certain conditions that being i get to parent her also and we work together on rules and she doesn't call her mom for an out. he would not agree so we did not take his 3.

    so, anyway tha'Tourette's Syndrome my predictament. He wont' allow me to parent with him, he won't consequence her at all, so this is my idea of drawing boundaries and her understanding her behavior will not be tolerated. there has to be a line in my opinion.

    i hope that gives you a better take on it
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member


    hey, i agree with you and i'm glad that you are both close now. that's awesome! I do think her not having a relationship with me will not be good for her. I've been hands on since the beginning with her, private talks, nails, facials, you name it. yet she has issues and she does require a very strong hand and she isnt' getting it.

    for example, she once ripped phone out of wall and hit her moms' partner, the next day she was allowed to go out with-friends no consequence no nothing.

    so, it's sad yet truth is they won't let me parent her, i just get to do the dirty work clean up after her, try to have a few laughs, talk to her when shes' upset yet any real rule making or decision making they clearly do not want me a part of. so it comes down to creating some type of boundary so that she gets that the behavior isn't ok.
  12. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    My Stepmom was there for for me. Like you, but I think she knew that i was beyond parenting! LOL
    I think she would have helped with the parenting if she could have.

    i understand where you are coming from and do not envy you.
    She helped me and was there especially when my Dad disappeared. So I suppose you are like her when her Mom and her are having difficulties.
  13. ML

    ML Guest

    Did husband agree to tell her to leave if she gets like that? I don't think he'll do it and I agree that might not be good for her. I know manster would feel complete abandonment if I made him leave the home as a consequence to bad behavior. The room yes, but not the home. The problem is you don't have any control in this situation and it hovers. I encourage you to distance yourself from her when she gets that way. Detach with love. You can still do the hair and nails when she behaves, just don't do those nice things for her when she misbehaves. That's about all you can do.
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member


    like i said he won't consequence her at all, as she stands there calling me a s___t and a loser and to leave the house and a few other choice words. it's al in how dad handles it to be honest. she's the kid. yet he isn't handling it. he just lets her rip and than says oh honey come here you want some popcorn? that isn't parenting, that's taking the easy way out which is extremely harmful to her. trust me id' rather he parent her with me together the way it should be than to toss her out. yet i cna't and wont' be abused that way infront of difficult child and his other two with whom are already showing some serious anger signs to be quite honest. the little 8 year old yesterday who i still experience good moments with especially when i tuck her in, said to me yesterday after i asked her to go clean up the toys with difficult child they played with "if i go upstairs and there isnt'a mess i'm going to (and made the sign of cutting my head off with a knife)". see my point?? lol. these kids really can't see this behavior is tolerated here at all.

    it's sad yet his oldest has some serious stuff going on and it's unaddressed. last year she attacked his ex, her partner, ripped apart the house and still no therapy. it's craziness.

    i am just looking to handle it the best i can. i can't detach with love when i have a kid in my face cursing me out and refusing to calm down, i'm sorry i cant. i've known her for 2 years and i've tried my best and will continue to do so, yet not when it's at the risk of my own self and the other kids in the home.

    that is what dad used to do when she'd attack them over there, he'd pull her out and bring her over this way. it's obviously a sick cycle they've got going on. my big concern here is the other 2 kids and mine.

    Last edited: Sep 8, 2009
  15. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Obviously, you and husband need to get on the same page. He should not tolerate his child - or anyone else for that matter - talking to you, his SO, in that manner.

    That said, I had a stepfather from the time I was 11. He stepped in and started acting like a parent and it went over like a ton of bricks. To this day, 25 years later, we have a cordial relationship and that's about all.

    When I was in my early twenties, my mom got into a huge argument and she said something about my stepfather - can't remember exactly. And I responded that he doesn't like me, he never has, and the feeling is mutual. That we just got along - were cordial to one another - for her. She was shocked. Flabbergasted, actually. But, she couldn't dispute it.

    As more time has passed since we have no longer lived together, the relationship has changed some. I respect him. But, we're not at all even remotely close. I don't share anything personal with him. But, I do support the achievements he has made in his life - which are amazing - and I respect the relationship he has with my mom. He is a good person.

    I have never been interested in remarrying while my kids are still minors and it would take someone pretty darn special for me to consider marrying someone else who had kids at home. Steps are hard - for the children and the adults. Plus, I know that I've been a single parent for all of my children's lives (even when I was married, I might as well have been a single parent) and there was no way in hades I was going to let someone step in and parent my kids. But, that's just me.

    If you and SO can't get on the same page, you two may need to go to counseling to get some outside help with this. He's feeling torn between you, his SO, and his child. There is possibly some guilt on his part that he is with your children more than his own children that could be playing into this, as well.

    Just wanted to offer you my firsthand experience. I probably treated my stepfather pretty similar to how your stepdaughter is treating you. Not to the same extreme, but to me he was an intruder. I didn't ask for him. He was forced on me. And I resented the hell out of it.
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You simply have VERY FEW choices here.

    His dynamic will NOT change unless his life gets totally and undeniably horrid. Even then he probably will just refuse to cope. some people just will not cope. They pretend the problem isn't there, pacify anyone angry and try not to be noticed when responsibility or problems come down the pike.

    He may be a guy, but he is doing a perfect Cleopatra routine. denial denial denial.

    I venture a guess that alcohol is a problem with at least one of his relatives. This is NOT something I say to be mean in any way. It just may be one way for YOU to learn to cope. Much of his behavior with his ex and his kids and even his parents very much strikes me as adult child of an alcoholic behavior. There may be another substance that is/was abused instead of alcohol.

    The help, for YOU, is the same no matter what was used. You MUST start going to AlAnon meetings. You do not have to tell anyone if you do not want to. There are lunch time meetings, morning, afternoon and evening meetings. Virtually every neighborhood has at least one meeting. Look up AA in the phone book or online. You can find out about AlAnon meetings that way.

    Adult Child is one type of AlAnon meeting. Get some books about it. You will most likely be shocked at how much it contributes to the kind of denial and conflict avoidance he is using.

    The why of how stepdau got her problems is less important than how YOU handle the situation.

    You clearly cannot force SO to do anything. He just will become torn between her and you. It is not a battle you will ever win.

    Instead of having her leave, you and your kids should go into another room with the movie (if it is a dvd you own or rent) or to watch another show. take whatever snacks you made, or make more if it will save on conflict.

    Tell SO that instead of fighting about her, you will simply leave the room and take your kids with you instead of having stepdau be abusive. You do not support his parenting but recognize that you cannot parent her. You CHOOSE to not have her behavior inflicted upon you or your children, so you will do your movie time, dinner, whatever in another room. It means telling husband that his daughter is not welcome to share that time/activity with you and your children. It also means making it clear that HE is to be in a different room/part of the house from the activity.

    You do NOT have to stay in a room and be abused by her. I might even say, "Excuse me. I am going elsewhere. I will not listen to this." then leave. move the festivities and your kids.

    Tell your children and SO in advance, when you are calm. Let him know that you are not telling him how to parent, and you and yours will leave the room so he can handle the situation however he sees fit. You would appreciate it if he did not let her follow you or your kids because you do not want to interfere and you do not want your kids to think her behavior is something you will tolerate.

    No matter what, YOU CANNOT PARENT ANYONE ELSE'S CHILD. Ever. Ever.. Ever.

    Even if he and his ex agree you still cannot do it. You won't be effective. You will only cause problems and conflama. No one needs conflama.

    Be her friend. Listen when she is not being abusive. Use the detachment phrases in the archives.

    Detach from her and her behaviors. Talk to your kids. Tell them that you have no control over her behaviors and as long as she is not physically abusive all you can do is refuse to grace her with your presence. You do NOT condone her behavior and if your kids try that behavior the consequences will be swift and unpleasant. Keep reminding them of this. AWAY from stepdau, point out how ridiculous a person on an abusive tirade looks. If you just saw her face and gestures it would look ridiculous and just plain stupid. Assure your kids that if they try this they will look that way and you will tell them so, along with other consequences.

    If stepdau asks you for permission for something, unless it is to use something of yours or your children's, send her to her father. Have her call him if he is not home. Every. single. time. It may drive him nuts but it is HIS job.

    You really must get over your outrage and determination to "fix" his parenting and this girl. none of it is yours to handle. Turn it over to your higher power and focus on what you can change.

    Many hugs. I know how hard this is. But it can and WILL ruin your relationship if you go much farther.
  17. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I think you need to seriously ask yourself where you see this relationship being in a year, in five years, in ten years...

    Ask yourself realistically if that is what YOU want, what is best for you and YOUR children.

    Realize that those years in question are years of your life and your children's lives that you can never get back.
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member


    excellent point you made in regards to single parenting, not wanting to remarrying the hardship of it all, and insightful what you wrote about the whole guilt he has, he def has it.

    i don't even want to be on teh same page anymore to be honest, i've tried for 2 years to prompt him to do stuff with her the ex etc. i'm done with that. i'll just be with her and tell him no more leaving me in charge of her i refuse to be put in that position again.

    i just want some type of solution when she goes that way, and i wont' take the other 4 children into a room and isolate them in essence punishing them for her behavior. she needs to be punished. we only have them 2 nites a week. i enjoy my time with the others, yet his older one always has an issue.

    last time it was because him nad i went away wtihout her she flipped out attacked him verbally on and on she went and everyone dealt with it once again.

    susie hey how are you?? hope all is well. no, his parents are not alcoholics and not had bout with any narcotics or drugs.
  19. Jena

    Jena New Member

    it's just too toxic if that makes any sense. does it? he's come a long way, yet he's not out of the woods yet and i know his extreme guilt he has over his children is what fuels him to make bad choices because he tries to over compensate. sad stuff. yet it's life, right?
  20. ML

    ML Guest

    Stepping is so hard. Guilt and overcompensation as well as all out power struggles define the dynamics. The kids resent you because they feel you're somehow taking their dad away from them and will do whatever they can to make sure he keeps you in your place. With effort, counseling and mutual respect there is hope. We love you Jena. You are a good person and your husband is lucky to have you.