Failure To Launch

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by J. Cooper, Mar 23, 2017.

  1. J. Cooper

    J. Cooper New Member

    My wife and I have a 21, soon to be 22, year old son. He is very intelligent and has never given us any real trouble. He has never had any issue with drugs, he pretty much stays to himself. He dropped out of school when in his senior year, against our advice, but our thinking was that if he really didn't want to be there, then forcing him to stay was only prolonging the inevitable.

    After being out of school for a while and not getting a job, we enrolled him in the Youth Challenge Academy, which is a program for "at-risk" kids, where they can go to get a diploma. It is structured like the military and while there he seemed to thrive. At first he did not like it but that was to be expected. But he did well, he tutored other children, got some college credits and we thought everything was going to work out.

    But as soon as he came back home he soon fell back into his old habits. We believe he may need some counseling, but I am unable to afford health insurance for him due to cost (we also have another teenage daughter living at home). From my research, he may be able to get a lowered rate through AHA, but he isn't even motivated enough to fill out the forms.

    Generally he is in a good mood. He does have a messed up sleep routine, which he blames on insomnia. But whenever we give the slightest push, he has anxiety attacks. I know I am leaving a lot out, but wanted to keep this as short as possible. Hoping to find someway of getting him possible treatment, or finding a way of motivating him.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Do you pay his bills? He is 9ld enough to get a job, pay rent or have all ypur money cut off, including car use and cell phone. Panic attacks or not (i once suffered from severe anxiety) he either needs to work anyhow or go without any toys in order to motivate him. You can also insiat he either go see a psychiateist or thetapist or move out. Sometimes our expectations can be so low that wr (not just you) allow our adult children to be pampered so that the unmotivated ones stay lottle kids and freak at the thought of doing grown up things.
  3. J. Cooper

    J. Cooper New Member

    He really has no "bills". He hasn't gotten his license. But I am trying to get him out driving so he can. He had a job that his younger brother got him, that lasted maybe one month. He ended up having a panic attack and going to the ER.

    He doesn't have much interest in "toys" that he would miss if we took them away. me and his mother have given him deadlines, but they come and go. I know it sounds like we are enabling, and we probably are to some degree. It would be a different story if he was giving us a lot of grief.

    I am reluctant to just kick him out, without at least trying to get him in a better situation. But, it may come to that.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    If you are sure he is not using drugs..are you? Then I'd get him into some type of counseling at the very least. Probably a psychologist that specializes in working with young adults.

    It's hard to watch our adult children do NOTHING. My son was like that in between his drug binges. He was diagnosed with anxiety/depression and when he was on medications he still would dabble in drugs to that was really not the answer for him.

    You will get good advice here. Some of these kids just need a firm push in the right direction.
  5. J. Cooper

    J. Cooper New Member

    I'm almost 100% sure he isn't using drugs. He has no money, never leaves the house, really gives us no trouble other than lack of motivation. We are trying to figure out his medical insurance, as we cannot afford it. With him not working or going to school, his premiums through my work insurance would be $400 - 500 per mo, which might not sound like a lot, but I have to make sure that our youngest child is provided for.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You must have a county mental health center that uses a sliding scale. He needs help. Cant he get Medicaid? Hes not working.

    He may have a disability you dont know about and could be tested and qualify for that. Has he evet been tested for, say, aufism spectrum disorder? He sounds like he could have that. Or something similar.
  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    How would he do if he just took one or two classes? I think he's miserable because he's not doing anything productive. Maybe taking only 1-2 classes wouldn't be too much for him to handle. After gradually exposing himself to the outside world, his anxiety would improve. I definitely think he needs counseling. If he can't get insurance, I would hope he's willing to go to a support group. Getting out on the world can be scary, but he's actually bringing on more anxiety by doing nothing. When you do nothing, you think more, which breeds more fear. He's trapped in his head. You should remind him that he's not the only person who has anxiety attacks. Most people learn how to manage it eventually. I get the idea that maybe he doesn't know what he wants to do for a career, and possibly wonders if college is for him. He might do better with a certification. What are his interests? You'll probably have to do this part yourself, but get him a list of training courses at a specific school. Organize it and be ready to explain all the details to him so that he doesn't feel overwhelmed. Simplify it as much as possible. You may have to go with him to register, etc. It's going to take some arm twisting, but I think after he starts doing a couple of classes or a one year certification, he will be glad he did it.