Feeling like a bore...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Oct 16, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I am struggling with the blues today.... we went to a social thing for my daughters class last night and it was just kind of weird.... the people we tend to know weren't there and it was one of those kind of awkward social situations. I left feeling like Geez I need to get a more interesting vibrant life. I just feel like so much of my thought and head time is tied up with worry about my difficult child son. We haven't heard from him since he said he would call and I just wish we would.... but I know that I need to find ways to move on with MY life and develop my interests etc. Don't get me wrong I have a full life but right now I just feel too focused on him in my head. I think I have done a good job in stepping back from his point of view.... but he still spends too much time in my head.

    So how do the rest of you with older kids, who have also been going through this for years get the worry and thougths of them out of your head?

  2. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    When I get into a bad space I literally give myself NO down time. It's the only way I can function and not sit around and cry. If I'm just sitting at home and I start to lose it I make myself get up and walk the dogs- the poor dogs get so tired when I'm having bad days! I clean, clean, clean and I hate to clean, but I do deep cleaning and clean out closets or the shed or the yard! I read. I will bring home 5 or 6 books from the library to make sure I have one I really like that keeps my mind busy. I'm not a real social person, but I do go out for a drink or to lunch with a couple of very close friends who know my situation. Sometimes getting on here makes me feel better because the people here understand and I see the situations others are facing.

    And when I do lose it and just start crying I lay on the floor and at least one (usually all three) of the dogs lays down by me and licks my face or just gives me a goofy look, so I can't feel bad for long! Stay busy, busy, busy. I wish I was crafty or artistic because I would love to immerse myself in making something, but I don't really have the talent or patience for that, but that may be a good idea for you. I also do crosswords and jigsaw puzzles. Seriously, anything that keeps me busy and moving forward is what I will do. And yes, I have been known to read a tabloid magazine now and then, which definitely takes my mind off my worries and is a total guilty pleasure! Hang in there!
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2011
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First of gentle hugs to you. When I get in the spot I do a couple of things. One thing I do is read-it's so great when I can lose myself in a book. Another thing I do is workout. I try to do this all of the time as I find it really hard to stay down after a good workout. Getting myself there is a different story, I have to not let me talk me into not going. Never once have I regretted that I've gone and it definitely takes my mind off of difficult child (at least for a bit). Also husband and I will often watch a movie (preferably a comedy which makes us laugh).

    For me work has been a good relief. When I'm teaching I have no time for thoughts of difficult child!

    Again, sending gentle hugs your way.

    Oops! Sorry I just realized this was in the PE forum (thought I was in the watercooler-think I need another nap).
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I read. And read. And read. Ignore everyone and everything I possibly can. I have actually gone on strike, complete with sign stating so, put earplugs in, sat on the couch reading, letting it all swirl around me.

    Now with Miss KT gone, I just need to get Hubby trained...
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm very social, so my social life keeps me busy enough to stop the worrying most of the time. I also have a few close friends that I can vent to and they keep me laughing and help me keep things in perspective. Work defiitely keeps me distracted as well, although Youngest still calls or texts me at work pretty often, which can get old on a Drama Day. Therapy is essential for me, as well, I go every 3 weeks or so and my therapist helps me keep things in perspective as well.
  6. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    I feel for you. It must be so hard. But the others have some great ideas for keeping busy and keeping your mind off of your troubles...
  7. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    TL - you wrote it perfectly. My difficult child occupies my thoughts most of the time. I HATE IT but I am powerless to stop it. Once in a blue moon I will text him and he will text back and I will feel at ease for a bit. If he doesn't text back, I feel worse so it's a crapshoot. Otherwise - I play a LOT of iPhone Scrabble. I also have started doing the Crossword Puzzle in the paper in the morning.

    I actually play iPhone Scrabble in bed before I fall asleep. husband is not thrilled with that - may even be a lil' insulted. But I finally explained to him that it keeps my mind occupied until I can no longer keep my eyes open. Otherwise, I would just lay there and let my mind wander until I become so preoccupied that I can't sleep. (of course he has other ideas about keeping busy in bed...but that's a whole other post not suited for a Monday afternoon)

    Unfortunately, my other two iPhone activities center around difficult child - checking his phone records and checking his roommate's prolific crude and uncensored Tweets. On good days, I figure the tweets and the phone activity mean difficult child is still alive. On bad days, I realize he is calling/texting everyone but me and that he is living in an apartment filled with porn, sex, drugs and booze and a complete absence of any decorum, morals or health. Frankly, his roommate would tweet "OMG, my roommate has stopped breathing and is bleeding on my gd sofa" then post a picture of a dead difficult child in a crude pose, then tweet something about football, long before he would call 911. Reading those tweets is an exercise in self punishment but they are the only window I have into difficult child's world. (no, I don't "follow" difficult child's roommate - the tweets are unlocked for the world to see)

    I made my first appointment with a counselor for Monday Oct 24. EEP
  8. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    I read a lot too. And look at kitten pictures. I find funny things to read online, do crossword puzzles, crochet. A couple of years ago, when DS was in the group home, I had to actually set a rule for myself that I wasn't allowed to talk about him except in some very specific forums and circumstances. It took me a while to figure out what to talk about instead, so I ended up listening to my friends more than talking (which isn't all bad, lol). I've had to re-instate that rule this past week, so the only places I'm allowed to be boring are therapy, here and one other forum (I didn't want it taking over every single forum I visit, Know what I mean??), and one friend (and even then, only quick updates and utter freakouts - I don't want to wear her out).
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    This is kind of where I am going... I need to stop talking about him! I am not sure I can stop thinking about him but I can stop talking about him.... so i have decided that i will only talk about him (except to husband and of course here) when someone asks me about him.

    I am doing better.... going to work helps... problem with work is that i deal with people who have had a lot of trauma and so it is hard sometimes when I feel like we are experiencing our own trauma... I just sometimes need a break too.

    But I am trying to start thinking and dreaming of other things.... and I do read, i do puzzles and I do play scrabble on line. Signorina if you use WWF for scrabble PM your sign in and we can play a game. LOL.

    I love to walk but am having problems with my feet and so walking is not working too well for me these days.

  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Exercise is still important... I can't really do the walking thing either - at least, not to the level that gives me benefits (taking the dogs out for 10 mins doesn't cut it!)...
    If you need fresh air, try cycling - doesn't have the joint impact.
    If you just need a good workout... swimming is one of the best.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child has occupied much too much time in my head also. I meet husband for dinner once a week on his way home form work and he usually says he is tired of talking and thinking about difficult child so I am forced to talk about other things. If I allowed myself to obsess over difficult child now I would be a basket place. I was in the grocery store the other day and I actually started to cry thinking of difficult child being hungry and having no money for food. I look at ther bedroom with her comfortable bed and I almost shake thinking of her sleeping in some places that she probably is. I literally have to force myself to stop thinking about it. It's like someone told me here one day, they live their life the way they want to and we live our lives the way we want to. We can't change them, they are the only ones that can change themselves.

    I love Eliz's response, especially the dogs reaction to her crying.

    Signorina I wish you didn't have to see what your difficult child or his roommate were posting but I know it's the only way you know he is still alive. It must be gut wrenching to see how he is living his life. When difficult child was on the street and drinking nightly and piercing her tongue and hanging on every guy and working in a strip club I had to hide her wall posts from my view. I couldn't bear to see the photos she was posting and read the comments she was writing. I was watching her self destruct and powerless to do anything about it. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor.