Feeling so helpless...frustrated and frightened for DS

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SomewhereOutThere, Jul 25, 2016.

  1. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Ok, so he isn't acting so dear right now. And this isn't about addiction. But I am seriously afraid m son is going to die either by suicide or just because of such extreme stress that he won't do anything to try to alleviate. I will try to give a back story. Most of you won't think it is such a big deal because you have other stuff going on and most of you may not even understand it. But I need to vent because I'm at my end. I can't do this anymore.

    There is more than addiction that can kill. Stress at this level and for so long and with son's numerous physical symptoms...he already has high cholesterol and some high blood pressure under age 40. He is getting headaches, eye twitching, continuous stomach problems that are severe and he won't see a doctor. Or a psychiatrist. Claims he can't afford it. He can't NOT afforrd it. He says his head is fuzzy and he can't think.

    Why, you ask.

    His son is his life. His ex is a wack job that makes every single drug addict on this forum seem normal. She is not just wacky, but she is MEAN. Grandson is terrified of her and he clings to Son when he has him, which is 50% of the time, and cries that he is afraid. I already called CPS and there is nothing they can do if Grandson won't talk (and he's too afraid to talk) and if he isn't being beaten or starved by ex.

    Son was going slowly crazy before today, but today put him over the edge. Ex got a lawyer at the eleventh hour. There was supposed to be a hearing for residential custody tomorrow (Tuesday). It had been a long time coming. Ex moved, without getting son's permission, to an hour away in a new school district so Son filed to be residential parent since he lives in the school district but ex is adamant about changing schools.

    My son has a very good lawyer.

    Friday he was told that t he Judge had called ex's lawyer because she had asked for a continence. Son's Lawyer said no way. School was starting and Son needs residential custody to continue in school district. Ex's lawyer said he could have residential custody (ex had it) until a final hearing if there was a continence. Judge called her office (well, a clerk for judge) and said no continuance without other counsel's approval or a court hearing. Both Son and I figured Lawyer would say no to a continuance and not attend a court hearing, since only two days remained until the trial. Ok, now the good stuff (haha).

    Son took off work today, day before trial, because he would "be too nervous to work." He told me to stay home today so I could "help him out." This usually consists of his nonstop doomsday talk and him hanging up on me if I state that he needs to see a doctor for his symptoms and a psychologist to help him deal with this very difficult situation. Trust me, a normal person with low anxiety would be going crazy over dealing with court and ex . Son just wants what is best for his son and his son does not want to change schools.j
    Judge has been judge a long time, but he is up for re-election and pushing this case back could mean a new judge. This judge knows the case, knows the ex.

    When Son called to say "SEE I TOLD YOU SHE'D MESS IT UP AND GET HER WAY." I was too stunned to know what to say. Then, as he was escalting, we had this sort of conversation, not verbatom.

    Son: See? Don't EVER underestimate J. I aml NOT going to be able to take this!

    Me: (trying to think of a positive) Having temp. residential custody could lead to permanant.

    Son: You must think I'm stupid. You['re acting as dumb as ex.

    Me: Look, it's time for you to be strong and figure out a way to deal with this....

    Son: You are so useless (hang up)

    I am sad. I have tried so hard to support him for the four years since he's been in divorce hell with his ex. Ex is trying to take son away from him. This is his second time in court. But there is nothing I can do. And there is no suggestion I can make that doesn't cause him t o explode and hang up on me. I have done all I could. I have called my own ex a few times to make sure he is still on board with paying legal fees for Son's case. I have been a buddy.
    He will not join a support group for divorced people in his area as the only one listend is religious and he has social phobia (yet he is a salesman and manages to sell to strangers REALLY well). And although he gets nervous, he has to make speeches twice a year and he does. I'm afraid he'll get fired over all this, because I know he has been distracted.

    He has a thousand reasons why only a top rate expensive psychologist (not therapist) can help him and he really doesn't have the money, even though he makes a lot of money. Of course, part of me can't help but think of all his video game systems, his 66" television, his new furniture, etc. He spends so much on Grandson....

    He doesn't want medication. Medication affects your sex life, of which I'm sure he has none because he is too stressed out to really date. He has a girl FRIEND who he also screams and yells at about this case and pays no attention to her needs. I feel sorry for her, but she is choosing to stick around. They do not sleep in the same bed. Yes, he shares too much information, but he doesn't lie.

    He has a history of mental illness.

    I was so desperate I was a step away from telling him to get drunk. I kid you not. I didn't.

    I am very frustrated now. He is not going to learn how to live with this and go on with his life. He is going to continue to make himself sick. He is not going to take one iota of advice I give him. And w hen I say "You talk, I"ll listen" he says "that's not enough!!!!" I wish I had magic words. He has to do more than he is doing...depending on me a nd this girl who is just a friend to yell at when he is frustrated.

    His tirades of doom and gloom scare me too because ex is capable of doing anything and we are talking about my grandson. And if my son doesn't chill, he may not have a father, but telling Son that also gets a hang up.

    I know, I know. I tell it to everyone else. There is nothing I can do.

    I am ready to go to an Al-Anon meeting because this reminds me of how helpless and upset I was when my daughter used drugs and I think there are similarities and that 12 Step can help me. I know there is a meeting tomorrow. I don't work. I think I will go. I have to do this for myself.

    Like any of you w ho are afraid your sons or daughters will die, I'm right there with you. He is a suicide risk and is letting his body kill him too, but I'm more concerned about suicide. He doesn't bring that up to me because he knows I'll call 911, but I know he is thinking about it.

    I am going to indulge myself with one last regret that doesn't help anyone: If Son had only listened to anyone in the family about ex before he married her, we wouldn't be here. But Son always says to that that he is glad he has his son.

    It is so frustrating to want to help somebody who won't help himself. And, truly, what he is asking of me is not money, not possessions, but for me to be his ear. But he is so irrational.

    Sadly, this son has already ticked off every sibling so that his only family contact is with me and his father and his father holds t he purse strings, but you can't talk to him. He do esn't "get" anything. I have often thought he was an Aspie. He doesn't get ANYTHING...he just yells and says horrible things when HE is mad too. Hereditary? No. He is not biological father. Son is a sperm bank baby. Yes, he knows and doesn't care.

    Anyway, thanks f or listening. I know I have to back out. I can't handle the stress myself anymore and I'm not helping him, obviously....it's amazing that Grandson is so sweet. His parents aren't.
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    None of this was probably unexpected by your son's lawyer. It's actually quite common. I'm actually kind of surprised the lawyer didn't agree because, as you said:

    This is 100% accurate.

    If a continuance is granted and he has residential custody pending the final hearing, he has everything to gain. No judge will want a kid to move in the middle of the school year. He'd have time to show how great the kid is doing with him as the residential parent.

    If the court sets a hearing to decide on the continuance the lawyer will have to go.

    Long and the short of it is, the court may or may not grant a continuance. This is not in anyone's hands but the judge and all his screaming and freaking out won't change a thing. Last minute continuances are not unusual.

    I'm SO sorry...and I understand COMPLETELY what this is like. This is pretty much what I go through with my son when he's in one of his moods. He doesn't get abusive to me - but nothing placates him. There's nothing you can say and nothing you can do that will make him calm down.

    And he's hurting no one but himself with his refusal to talk to a counselor. I'm sure he's being good to his child, managing to maintain while at work, heck, probably being civil to the ex...at least he should be. But he's GOT to find a way to cope! He's not being the kind of father that boy needs if he's so under so much stress he's about to blow all the time.

    I wish I could help.

    I think this is an excellent idea.
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  3. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    I am sorry. I know suicidal tendencies all too well. Most people who threaten suicide don't have any intention of carrying it out. It is a cry for help. Most who DO commit suicide don't talk about it, as that could prevent them from carrying it out. Which is why it can be very difficult to know when somebody is seriously planning for it. There are flags to look for, though. We are usually fairly upbeat once we make up our mind on the matter. We will be horribly stressed, and gloomy, then suddenly become jovial, and sweet. This is because we know that the pain will soon come to an end. The thought of it alone is enough to bring up our spirits. The night I made an attempt, I was in a fantastic mood. Did some parting with my friends, then went back to friend's house and helped his sister with her homework. Watched American Idol with friend's mom, downed a bottle of pills, and went to sleep. It didn't even take any thought. I didn't hesitate for a moment. It isn't like it is in movies. I wasn't in tears in a corner, loading up an antique gun.

    From what I hear, this is pretty common with truly suicidal people. These are some of the things you want to look out for. You should never disregard somebody who does threaten suicide. Statistically, they are less likely to go through with it, but there are the exceptions. And life is far too important to leave to a roll of the die. When these threats are made, the best thing to do is to assume that they are genuine, and seek immediate help. Most of the time, the threat is made out of anger, or the need for attention. If it IS just a cry for help, it may be time to try to provide help. REAL help. Not what he thinks will help, or wants. That sets the precedence that he can get anything he wants merely by throwing out the "S" word. That is extortion. Call the police when the threat is made. They will take him to a mental health facility to be put on watch, and to determine the safety of himself, and others. If he IS a danger to himself, or others, they will hold him there and provide proper treatment by qualified specialists. This may anger him initially, but it could also save his life. Better angry than dead, right?

    If you feel there is even a 1% chance that he will harm himself, you need to treat it as if it were a certainty. It simply isn't worth the risk if his life is potentially in danger.
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    Last edited: Jul 25, 2016
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Lil. Thanks so much.

    You too, Darkwing. He doesnt threaten anymore. He knows Ill call 911.
  5. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    I realize you probably know a lot of the stuff I am writing, so I am doing it more for the public record. For people who may not understand that kind of mind set.

    Although, the fact that these circumstances are upsetting him so much can be seen as a positive thing. It shows that he has not truly given up on the things he holds most dear. Or else why would he care? I am not saying that it is a good thing he is in pain right now, just that it seems to suggest that he still has some fight left in him. When we truly make up our mind to end our lives, we stop caring about all the circumstances that got us there in the first place. It is a relief. Blissful, even.

    I hope for the best for you and your son. It ain't over until it is over. As long as breath is still being drawn, the chance for true, positive change exists.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    So sorry to hear this. I can understand your frustration. This is not something I am at all educated on but he gets angry and nasty with you because he knows he can. He knows that you love him unconditionally. I think we're all in the same boat with our kids on this one - addicts or not.

    I know you'll get great advice from others but just hoping this will soon be over so you can all get some much deserved peace!
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Lil, I cant believe this. I just told him what you said and he said his attorney said it was suicide fir ex's case. He thought it was good for Son. Son then said "It isn't for the case. I wanted it over because I cant take it anymore. I needed it over tomorrow."

    Jeez. One thing I've learned is that court isnt emotional and about what you personally want. Better to win the case. And, Lil, I already think Grandson both depends on Son and worries too much about Son. Grandson is only eight.

    My son needs to man up. If he doesnt, then Grandson has abuse in one house and worry in the other. I would like to have a bigger role in Grandsons life because I HAVE become atrong, but Son wont drive him to Chicago where it would be easy to see him. Im in Chicsgo All.The.Time. But he won't do it. It is hard to get from where I live to St. Louis. It takes three switches and I get there at 12am and have to leave at 4am. In a dangerous section of St. Louis. Its easier for me to get to Chicago....oh, well. Dream on.

    Then he went on to tell me that even if he yells at me and is hostile, I need to "keep on doing what you're doing."

    I told him I had no idea what he meant because he kept hanging up on me.

    He said, yes, I did know what to say and what not to say and called me stupid.


    I have no idea what I should and shouldnt say and frankly am dog tired of trying to guess.

    I told him to call me when he could handle things better, that this isn't my fault and I dont want him insulting me.

    But he hung up before I finished. I didnt even get to be the one to hsng up lol.

    I put my phone in a drawer on silence after first texting Sonic, Princess and Jumper that I wont be available the rest of the day and to call Husbands cell if there is an emergency.

    I am so sick of this. Try, try, try...for what? It doesnt work.

    Al Anon is tomorrow.
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2016
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    RN, yep.

    I didnt end up here for no reason!
  9. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    Your son has no justification for speaking to you the way he does. Life is hard. :censored2: happens. And that is not YOUR fault. It could only be your fault if you made all the decisions that led to this point. And I would argue that, if you HAD made all of his decisions that led to this point for him, we wouldn't BE at this point at all.

    I realize he is venting, but he needs to find a more appropriate outlet that disrespecting his own mother, who is only trying her best to help. People should never speak to their mothers' like that. The mother is the person deserving the most respect in the world. For most people, their mother is almost sacred, or divine. Even the most vile, violent men in prisons would actually kill if they felt their mother was being disrespected in some way. Mother is God to young children, and they deserve nothing less than respect, consideration, and gratitude.
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  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Darkeing. zYou are very sweet...and I am not going tobe talking to him unlesd he cwn be respectful. Ive gone silent before
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Oh SWOT. What a jerk! He makes me mad.

    It is exactly the same thing as when your daughter used drugs. It's not different. It's watching a person you love so very much do all the wrong things and then drive you crazy with calls and abuse and hang ups and nonsense.

    You have to set a boundary, SWOT. You already know that. You know what you do because you have already done it. It just seems different with him...but it. is. not. different. It is exactly the same thing.

    A grown man needs to be a grown man. Yes it is frustrating and extremely stressful and I'm sure he loves his son very much and it's really hard. But hey, learn to deal with it. This is not new stuff with her. He has been doing this for a long time. He isn't learning anything...I don't know why...but I would suggest one reason is that he doesn't have to.

    It's time to stand back, SWOT, and to let him learn a new way of interacting with you. I gently and kindly suggest that you start that process today. Whatever that looks like for you. Start taking steps toward change. Your listening to him rant and rave, truly isn't helping him, and it sure isn't helping you. Stop doing it.

    Yes. You said it. It's awful. It's sad. It's scary. He ramps up even more because he's talking to you, his mother, who will take anything and come back for more. Again, we learn that we are part of the problem.

    Take it easy today, SWOT. Take care of you. Rest, recover. Then, go to alanon. You don't even have to wait until tomorrow. Start here: http://al-anon.org/

    Warm hugs. This is so terribly hard, and I know you are scared for him and for grandson. But you are #1. You come first. Set some boundaries, SWOT. It's time.
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  12. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    I am sorry SWOT, you have stood by him and taken the brunt of his frustration. He really needs to get help to deal with stress that life brings to all of us, not just him. How in the world is he going to be able to handle raising his son when son does something to anger him, as all kids do down the road as he grows and becomes a teenager? He needs to let things work out through the court and step back and take one day at a time. He needs also to stop using you as his whipping boy. He's throwing a grown up temper tantrum, he wants what he wants now because in his mind he wants it done now, wants to to know now. Well life isn't that way nor will it ever be that way.

    Step back from it as much as you can. I believe it was you that gave me some good advice when I first came here saying "Just because someone is mentally ill doesn't give them the right to mistreat people. Unless they are totally psychotic, no excuse" or something to that affect. That opened my eyes with my son and his temper and rage issues. It enabled me to free myself from letting him rage on me when life was in chaos for him. I hung up on him when he raged. He learned not to do that because I wouldn't allow it.

  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Hell's Bells! So his own lawyer says this is a good thing and STILL he makes your life miserable because of it??? What the Hell does he want?!

    OMG! Basically, he wants to be able to yell and abuse you because it makes him feel better? I'm sorry...but that's just sick.

    Yes...keep that phone in the drawer.
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  14. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    SWOT. I can't remember if this has come up before, but your son really sounds borderline to me. He wants you there when he needs you, but he wants you there only if you give him exactly what he needs. If not, he punishes you and pushes you away.

    Personally, and admittedly speaking as someone who is not a mother, I'd tell him you will not take his calls unless he treats you respectfully. YOU start doing the hanging up.
  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Lil, yes. It was horrible when he lived with me.

    His lawyer didnt say it was a good thing exactly. He said he didnt know why ex's lawyer did it as it's suicide. To me, that means he considers the move positive. Son is all wrapped up in his "I cant take it anymore" and not the reality that he has no choice. He thinks about the case 24/7 and is all about how NOBODY deals with this extreme a legal battle after a divorce lol. Lil, Im sure you are laughing with me. He is extremely self centered.

    If his ex werent so abusive, I might think grandson is best with her.

    The way Son talks to me makes husband grind his teeth and my other kids dont understand why I even put up with him. At times he is nice to me,but at times he is plain obnoxious and I have to give us space for MY sake.

    It is pretty disgusting ofhim, agree. He was my first and alone for six years and I did everything for him, including getting him early psychiatric help.

    I think he needs another psychologist. I quit.
  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    GN, he is more narcicistic. My farher is. Probably inherited it. I was so scared to hsve bio. kids, but I took a chance. Im glad I didnt do it twice.

    Actually, he never pushes me away. He hangs up but calls back two hours later like it never happened. He wants a "mommy."

    His ex is more borderline. Unpredictable. Wild moods. Self destructive. The whole nine yards.

    My poor grandson.
  17. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Unfortunately, he has to man up and be a good Dad. That .means living by example...He needs a professional door mat...Your not it.

    Hugs...I too have the eye twitch, laughed at that...especially when our ain r went out today and the car...all in a Monday.

  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much, mof. You are very kind. All of you are. You know the worst part for me?

    I feel bad that I can't be enough.
  19. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Do not go there!!! We are enough! I don't know your belief system...but we are made in his image.

    You are strong, loving and generous. How did you get that way? You did it.

    Our Difficult Child can have that too. I would give my life for my son...but it doesn't work that way.

  20. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Mof, thanks. I am just sad right now.

    I brought a child into this world and he has never been okay. It's not drugs or anything that will change unless he does the hard work to change. He knows he needs help, but has a million reasons why he can't do it.

    My other kids embrace life's challenges. I wish he would too. They have all had challenges, but they wouldn't be defeated.

    As you and so many here know it is so hard to watch them do nothing. And my own son can just be so nasty. He was always treated well. He is 38 and unlikely to change. He made MAJOR positive changes in his early 20s, but this divorce threw him back into helpless mode...