Finally Did Something for Me - So Why do I Feel so Guilty?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Apr 17, 2011.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I swear I am a natural-born doormat!

    I have loved horses my whole life - and would have owned my own if finances hadn't always been such an issue...

    And why have a not been able to keep a career-track type of job so as to have the extra income for riding lessons and other fun things? - difficult child issues

    And why did I have to quit my part-time job at the stable down the street two years ago? - difficult child

    And who did we drive an hour each way every week all last summer so that she could participate in Equine Therapy? - difficult child

    And who was completely nasty to her mother about said Equine Therapy? - difficult child

    This year, the opportunity to lease a trail horse for practically nothing fell into my lap. And today, I was offered a pony for DS to ride any time he wanted to accompany me on the trails. I am in heaven!

    Or at least...I should be...

    But no, here I am feeling guilty that I have not made arrangement to make sure there was a horse for difficult child to ride. Yes, difficult child - that same kid who made every other riding opportunity a big, hurtful, hassle and who sucked the fun out of even visiting a stable with all the complaints and nasty comments.

    What is wrong with me???
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    It's your motherly heart. It yearns so much to include difficult child in a happy family experience. Wouldn't it be awesome if she was a happy companion? Just think of the great mother/daughter/son times that can be had!

    Nothing wrong with you at all! :)

    Not so much guilt as the pain of another broken dream to share your hobby with your children. You find so much joy in this, why can't she?

    It hurts when we really believe we are giving our kids a wonderful experience, one that not every kid gets to have, and they disregard it.

    You need that time with DS - a fun peaceful, non-stress ride. Just chalk it up as your special time with him and find something else to do with difficult child that is more to her liking.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Thank you, Andy!

    I appreciate the vote of confidence!

    And yes, it makes sense to make the riding a me and DS activity and do something different with difficult child.
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    And now my mother has just given me a speech about not excluding my daughter and making her feel left out....

    (And I wonder where my guilt feelings come from?)
  5. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    DF, I do the same thing. difficult child guilt just eats me up sometimes.

    We all deserve time to ourselves and please take the time and enjoy yourself.

    It is rare, but when difficult child is happy and enjoying himself and I on a natural high because it is so few and far between.

    SIGH .....
  6. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    If difficult child is not a horse person it'll ruin it for everyone else. Enjoy yourself, you're not playing favorites, you're catering to the individual likes and dislikes of your children.
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Don't let this opportunity slip through your fingers.

    If difficult child has a big issue you can address it two ways - that she did not enjoy the horses last summer so you assumed it was not her thing and the plans are already cemented; or this is something you are doing 1:1 with ds and you were going to talk to her about something she would like to do 1:1 with you.

    DF, DO NOT feel guilty about finally doing something you really love. You deserve it 100%.

  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I think it's a mom thing...
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, he's still your kid. WTH.
    I know the feeling. Just shake it off. Like a horse shakes off flies. :sigh:
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry you are feeling guilty-the others are right-it's a normal feeling. Please take advantage of this opportunity and try to let go of the guilt!! Hugs.
  11. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I felt so much better after reading all the replies here! Thank you!

    And I decided that I would (as Little Dudes Mom suggested) consider the horseback riding a special thing for DS and I would find another special thing for difficult child.

    A few weeks ago, when difficult child was talking about getting in shape to pass a physical fitness test in ROTC. So, I told her that I would get her a membership to the town rec center for the summer. But eh - she didn't seem real interested. How about some kind of class? Aerobics? Zumba? - she didn't seem real interested.

    Over the weekend, husband was invited to ride in a friend's airplane and he brought difficult child along. She had a wonderful time and went on and on and on about how much fun it was!

    Well, I thought that I had found the perfect thing for her! There is a Civil Air Patrol unit right here at the airport with a program for teens! It would have the "military" component that difficult child seems to enjoy - PLUS the cadets get to learn about aviation and even have the opportunity to learn to fly!

    So I showed difficult child the website and asked her if she would like to join the Civil Air Patrol...

    she responded with the same level of excitement as one might have if you offered them a baloney sandwich. Eh....yeah...maybe.

    So now the only thing she is worried about this summer is getting a job -

    and NOT because she wants a job -

    but because husband told her he was going to take her to his office with him every single day that she was not working elsewhere. difficult child plans to make sure she is "working" to avoid being stuck in his office all day.

    Meanwhile, I just don't know how to provide anything fun for this kid! Everything seems to result in complaints.

    Maybe I need to stop trying so hard?
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    but because husband told her he was going to take her to his office with him every single day that she was not working elsewhere. difficult child plans to make sure she is "working" to avoid being stuck in his office all day.

    Hey, whatever works! :)

    My son is a lot like your daughter. I feel like I'm slamming my head against the wall.
  13. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Yes, I think you are trying too hard. My difficult child was like this too--I was more invested in finding fun things for her to try than she was. Also, you are parenting from guilt and that usually doesn't work well. I would not worry about finding something fun for her to do--and enjoy your time with ds and the horses!
  14. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    She is yanking your chain. She thrives on your guilt and loves the drama (a borderline thing by the way- keep the pot boiling so I feel alive). This is my difficult child as well. If I say red it must be blue as she sits back and watches her mother dance at the end of her puppet strings. I'm not going there anymore (remind me I said this when I forget).
    A about your "guilt injecting mother' suggesting the whole air corps thing and walking difficult child through it? It would be interesting to see if she had any luck finding something special for her granddaughter. I think you husband is wonderful to take her on this summer-let it happen!

    I love that you are spending time with your other child and you are both doing something you enjoy together. What could be a better high? It has inspired me to spend some time with my grown kid-I always love every minute and we could both use it. Thanks and scratch some pony ear for me!
  15. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Please DF, Enjoy your time with the horses and your DS. I was so wrapped up in difficult child stuff that I didn't spend as much time with my easy child and now she is in college 5 1/2 hours away. I wish I had done better about taking care of myself and her. difficult child stuff will suck the enjoyment out of everything. Sometimes you just have to let it go, it evens up in the end anyway, and generally from my experience they will always feel slighted no matter how much you do for them.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I think short. If you have found something, anything that brings you enjoyment, and you have an opportunity, and the means to do it? Do it. Your daughter will have the rest of HER life to have opportunities to enjoy many things, and maybe even somewhere along the line? Some of those things will be things she will enjoy with you. Who knows maybe she'll see how much fun YOU are having in your life and want to be part of that too.

    I'm happy for you. A little envious - but very happy!
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Oh and as far as YOU suggesting things? (rolls eyes and mumbles) Even though Dude and I have a better relationship? My advice would STILL be better served if it came tucked in the folds of a fortune cookie mysteriously opened in a Chinese restaurant from the mystic Gods of cracker-wisdom. Some days I think I'd be better off if I did buy a box of those danged cookies and wrote all my Motherly advice out on little slips of paper and replaced all the fortunes, as if Dude found all his wisdom on his own.
  18. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Exactly! I love it!
  19. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Yes, gotta love it!


    You're right....I do seem to be more invested than she does. Why does even fun stuff have to be such a problem?


    While I hate to believe that's the case, I know in my heart that you are right. She LOVES yanking my chain. That's probably 1000 times more fun for her than ANY activity I could find. That "borderline" stuff makes me crazy!


    Yes, DS does deserve to have the spotlight once in a while...he's been through a lot. It is easy to forget when we are wrapped up in all the drama.


    Thank you!

    And WHERE can we get ahold of those fortune cookies????
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Most likely? I'd have to ask a teenager. They. know. everything.