First Time Posting: Kicked son out and I just don't think I can handle this!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dollphyn, Oct 17, 2011.

  1. dollphyn

    dollphyn New Member

    First I want to thank this forum for being here. I have read through some of the stories and it has helped a bit. I had to kick my son out three weeks ago and I cannot get through a day with him NOT constantly on my thoughts, I am just sick at my stomach. I have a mother, 92, with Alzheimer, that lives with my husband and I, and it is just about more than I can bare.

    My son just turned 28. My husband has always said he is about 5-8 years behind in maturity of other males his age. He had all kinds of trouble in high school academically so he quit. It was only about 2 years ago that he finally got his GED. He has worked odd and end jobs since he was 16 but never stuck with anything more than a few months, always found an excuse of how he was being treated or some bull. Last year I got him a little job doing what I was doing and he only had to work 3-4 days a week about 7 hours a day...At this job he met this little girl that told him about how she was going to go to Medical Assistance Tech my son wanted to go and I was just joyed to the hill. We told him he could live with us until a couple of months AFTER he got his certification which would be enough time for him to find a job. We helped him get enrolled in school thinking that if we could just get through this one year with him....BUT he sealed his fate with me when he came home drunk in the car we were going to give him when he finished school with the front tire busted out (he drove it home on the rim) and the front fender hanging down - he had ONE MONTH left on his books and THREE months left on his externship for the school, and was 3 days away from his 28th birthday when I kicked him out...

    History here: Just total disrespect, belligerent, hateful, slob, has a great sense of entitlement.. He does not do drugs because if he does it will set off a panic attack of the tenth he prefers to drink. He takes things from our bedroom and bathroom without permission, I noticed money missing from my purse, he has even taken my mother's debit card and charged liquor on it.

    When we found out he was going to go to school and that he would also be working we decided we were going to have to do something about a car..we took our income tax money, found me a little car to drive and gave him the newer one that was not yet paid for yet (because we felt it was safer) and told him it would be his if he respected it he could have it in his name once he finished school and got a job and moved out...

    He gets up in the morning, sits on the computer, listens to music until about an hour before he had to leave to go to school, he would throw his clothes in the dryer (to get the wrinkles out of them because nothing ever got hung up). Although he was supposed to come straight home from school, he would stop by his low life friends and drink after school till early in the morning..he would come home and go to the kitchen, make noise, wake my mother up. There was a time when he came home and he put a roll in the toaster oven, went to bed and fell asleep. My husband and I woke up around 2 in the morning with the house filled with smoke. His bedroom and bathroom are such a disaster you cannot even open the door to many times I open the door and he has just let the water in the sink run..Before he quit working with this last job, he would get his check, spend it all on clothes and booze, then expect me to give him money for gas for him to get back and forth to was just a nightmare..I could just go on and on about things like this..BUT

    He is also a very sweet kid..he has a heart as big as Texas. He was raised with respect and he has seen how his dad and I work hard to have what we have. We love him dearly and we want nothing more than for him to be happy...We keep things in order around here. That is why I cannot understand why he is like he is..

    I know this is long but I have no one to talk husband just keeps his feelings to himself and I cry off and on all day..the last time I seen him he was walking down the street with a suitcase in his hand..I know that he and a friend lived on the street in a field for about a week..he finally got ahold of another friend and I think he is staying with them, I'm not sure.

    I guess I just want to know if there is anything I can do to just get on with my life..I feel so horrible and I worry about him till I am just sick. Before he left I did give him the names and numbers to two missions downtown that he could go to for help..they would help him get a job, supply him with maybe some help on his drinking, a place to sleep and 3 meals a day..they would even help him with his education. BUT, guess he didn't want that. I just don't know anymore...I just don't know ! But thanks for letting me rant...I just am sick is all.
  2. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    Everybody needs to vent sometimes, especially with adult kids like we have. Your story sounds all too familiar. I have had all kinds of issues with-my daughter. Don't know if you know what "detachment" is, but we talk about it all the time on here. You can search the threads and find out about it. Basically it's letting an adult person make their own decisions (good or bad) and do the things they should be doing for themselves. In a nutshell it's minding your own business and focusing on yourself, rather than your difficult child (difficult adult child). It's easier said than done and I have good days and bad days with it, but I am much better now than I used to be. It takes lots of practice and focus. When I start that downhill slide into worrying about my daughter I stay BUSY! Work, read, puzzles, walk my dogs, jump on here, watch a movie, have a drink with-a friend. I leave myself no downtime and then I am so exhausted by bedtime that I fall right to sleep without worrying about her obsessively. It's a process, that's for sure. Good luck and welcome! You've found a great place!
  3. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    First of all, I am so very sorry. It is clear that you are hurting and hurting badly. No parent should have to go through this pain; but as you have read here, many have been in your shoes or have had very similar experiences. For whatever reason or reasons, be it a child's innate personality, parenting mistakes, mental illness, bad influences, drugs...some sort of strange combination of might all boil down to the fact that once your child reaches the age of 18 and certainly the age of 21, then all bets are off. We might give extra chances depending on circumstances, but the proverbial foot has to be put down at some point and I think you know in your heart of hearts that it was time (perhaps past time) that you set boundaries and limits in your home.

    I think you know in your heart that at age 28, your adult child, has no business remaining in your home unless there are extreme extenuating circumstances AND he is respectful and helpful to you and your family. This absolutely does NOT sound like your situation.

    Great that you gave him the names and numbers of the two missions. If it is within your means and you are open to it and he is willing able to go, I would consider making an offer to pay for him to get counseling. But of course, you would have to make sure he is going and that you pay any counselor DIRECTLY.

    As for going forward with your life....well, that is difficult, but very necessary. I like this quote: "For every disciplined effort, there is multiple reward." I do think this is actually a very disciplined, very difficult effort (to move forward in life with this difficulty in the background). But if you do it, you will be rewarded 1000x. Of course it is extra difficult also having a sick mother to care for, so do not be too hard on yourself.

    If you can, I would consider getting therapy for yourself...your plate is too full. Find what you enjoy in life and SIMPLY DO IT. This might be reading, going to the movie with friends, getting a manicure, etc. If you don't exercise, consider starting a routine of some kind. Just put one foot in front of the other and do something simple, yet positive and move forward.

    Put the ball in his court to do something with HIS life and as best as you can and as much as you can, do NOT think about his behavior or lack of behaviors. Let him figure it all out and perhaps get some help from a professional. You should SERIOUSLY consider staying out of it.

    You actually set a good example for him by not engaging him any longer. You set a good example for him when you show him that even though you are experiencing turmoil, you are setting up limits and boundaries and moving forward in life in a healthy and happy manner.
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome. Many of us have walked the same road and know how hard it is. However, 28 is not a kid by any stretch of the imagination. I finally have gotten to the same realization with my 26-year-old daughter. At this point, as Nomad said, there is no reason for you (or me) to put up with a "disrespectful, belligerent, hateful, slob, with a great sense of entitlement."

    As much as it hurts, you did the right thing. Just keep coming here for strength and support.

  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Welcome....i totally understand all the feelings you are having....i think figuring out how to live your in spite of this pain is a process. Therapy can help. I found an alanon group for parents a huge help...i suggest you try and find angood alanon group....and keep coming here.

  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there and another welcome to the board.

    Yes, it is very hard to throw out a child, however your son is twenty-eight. He has had a long time to grow up, get a job, and at least treat you respectfully, and he didn't do it. I think it's well past the time he be forced to sink or swim on his own, or will he ever be able to do it? None of us can live forever. I am an older parent myself.

    When my daughter spiraled out of control on drugs, we made her leave. She was lucky...her brother took her in under extremely strict rules and the threat that one screw up, even a cigarette, and she's OUT. Even so, the last thing she said to me was, "I will hate you FOREVER!" I didn't talk to her for over three weeks and I cried every single day. But you know what? SHE GREW UP! Her brother forced her to follow some really strict rules, including getting a job she could walk to and from (she didn't have a car) and cleaning up when she was home and cooking dinner (she learned to love cooking and went back to school to become a chef). She quit all her drugs and drinking and even cigarettes because she knew this was her very last chance and that her brother didn't get emotional or mess around or go soft like WE did. She is twenty-seven now, eight years drug free, great job, has her own house.

    We can not take care of our k ids forever. They have to learn to make good choices or face the consequences. We are not BAD parents for not sheltering them forever. (((Hugs))) been there done that, and keep your chin up. Nobody should ever be disrespected in their own home. Concentrate on those who are good to you and cross your fingers that your son will seek out help to get a job, housing, rehab, etc. You can't do these things for him. He has to do them for himself.

    I do suggest you go to an Al-Anon meeting for real life support. Sounds like he has a serious drinking problem and you can find a lot of great people at an Al-Anon meeting. I highly recommend it.
  7. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am well acquainted with that about to throw up feeling. It's horrible. {hugs}

    I too found this forum out of desperation. My 19yo difficult child left home after we told him we could not support his return to school knowing he was using drugs. Your statement "if we could just get thru this one year with him..." is familiar to me. We spent the summer saying the same thing about difficult child-ignoring the obvious, gritting our teeth and thinking that getting him back to school-giving him opportunity for education (at any cost)was the answer.

    What I've learned from the wonderful moms on this forum is that by pacifying the situation-I handed him the control. Adult relationships are based on mutual respect-and parties give as much as they get. difficult child gave nothing and the more I gave (gave in really) the more he expected. The second (3,4,5th...) chances we extended were the equivalent of lowering the bar.

    You have the right to set boundaries in your life. The "son you want" is not available to you.He is not in stock, no rainchecks available. No matter how much you want a healthy, respectful adult child-no matter how hard you try to help him change, no matter how much love you pour into him, how well you raised him-that son does not exist. Mythical good son is not available. You have the choice to reclaim your life or to continue the madness. He has been choosing himself for 28 years, you have been choosing him over yourself and your family for ar least a decade. 3 weeks ago-you chose you! That's to be applauded. You did the right thing. Don't second guess yourself.

    Stay busy, put one foot in front of the other, get out of the house as often as you can. Post here, get some pro help, look into alanon. Do not second guess. You can do this, we can do this. Continuing the crazy life is the only other choice and it's NOT an option!{{hugs}}
  8. dollphyn

    dollphyn New Member

    I just want to thank you all so very very much for taking time out of your own to respond. I have tried to find an Al-anon meeting in my area, and there are a few, however, it is so difficult for me to go because of the hours and I have no one to stay with my mom during that time, It's just my husband and I. I have a step son, but he lives so far from here, my husband and I just basically depend on each other. I guess that is why I broke down and finally wrote on the board here.

    I think my son just wants to go through life with no responsibility and just have fun at any expense. I'm not sure he cares what the consequences are or will be and that part scares me to death. Just about all his friends drink, but not quite like him..he has burnt his bridges with alot of them as well.

    All I know is he cannot come back home. Like everyone in this predicament, I so wish there was another way...I wish I could just give him the car back, a few hundred dollars, maybe set him up in an apartment and pay a couple months of his rent for him...and then know that he would go out everyday - all day if need be - to find a job...BUT, deep down I know we would all be right back to where we are today...

    My husband keeps reminding me of something that I know in my heart is true, but there is still that little hint of, "But Just Maybe"..he says that even if my son had finished school, he would not have looked for a job..he was going to school from 6pm to 11pm Mon thru Thur - if he wanted to work, he would have found a job where he could have worked during the day before his classes..he would have found a job in the medical assistance area because that is what he was going to school for. We even tried to get him to go down to the hospital district and Volunteer to gain some experience, some references, and to get a feeling of pride...but he never did that...

    Just breaks my heart so bad...he is my only son. I have daughter that lives 10 hours from me..she has 2 children that are in their pre-teens now and they are involved in all kinds of activities...SO, I never get to see any of them anymore...she seen how my son was along time ago..she tried to tell me! We hardly ever talk anymore - I think maybe a great deal contributes to her resenting my son..they are half brother and sister. My step son is 2 years older than my son and he went straight into college from high school without skipping a beat. Got his Masters degree and is now working for the government..just bought his first house...he is avoiding my son as well.

    Last week I thought about giving him one more chance, but only if he abide by a very strict contract and he was re-enrolled back into school..he could re-enroll and start where he left off...I called and talked with the school, they told me he could go in the morning form 7-12..that would have given me the opportunity to take him back and forth to school while my husband was still here to take care of my mom. I contacted him on facebook...I DID NOT tell him we were thinking about allowing him to come home and under what circumstances..I wanted to feel him out and see how serious he was about getting back into school, since I heard how bad he was talking about me for kicking him out right when he was almost done, and how bad he wanted to go back, and how bad he missed it...BUT as it turned out he did not show hardly any interest at I knew to drop it...I think all his tralking about school, and how much of a *^)#$ I was for kicking him out right before he finished school was for pure drama and for sympathy.

    I did find out that he is NOW staying with a friend of his across town about 20 miles from here. She is a hairdresser with 2 young kiddos and they have been friends for along time..just Platonic..I just wonder how long she will put up with him before he burns that bridge...then I wonder where he will go..I try to keep reminding myself he has the names and numbers of the missions downtown.

    I will keep you all posted...I now know I have a place to come daily - and maybe eventually I can help someone down the line that is going to be in the same boat as me...I have been through more than I care to talk about in my years..but I got to say..this has got it all beat!
  9. Blondiesbf

    Blondiesbf New Member

    I am sorry to hear you can't make it to an Al-Anon meeting as I have found them helpful. I've only been to a handful, but it has helped me! I understand about your mother as my father, who had severe dymentia, lived with us until we could no longer care for him without impacting our ability to work and care for our boys. I have found an Al-Anon group on Facebook called Courage to Change. It is a private group and no one can see your posts on the outside, so it truly is set up to be anonymous to those outside the group. I have found it helpful since I can only make physical meetings once a week. Perhaps you might want to check it out!

    Welcome to the forum though sorry that you are here! I kicked my 20-yr old out about 6 weeks or so ago and it was one of the harder things in life that I've had to do. Al-Anon has truly helped with the daily pain and worrying and keeping busy has also been good for the soul.

    We are here for you! {{HUGS}}

  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Bluntly put...your son is an alcoholic.

    Until he quits drinking and drugs (if he also does drugs) he is not going to complete school, he is not going to be able to hold a job, he is not going to respect you, he is not going to grow up (addiction retards emotional growth). You have given him a hundred chances. If you do it again, he will do the same thing he has always done.

    If you did go to Al-Anon, they would probably warn you NOT to give him any money. None. He can apply for welfare or disability and food share. If you give him money, he will spend it on alcohol. If you buy him a car, one day he will crack it up and maybe kill himself. My drug-using daughter managed to total THREE cars. We bought her one. Her brother bought her one (I warned him not to). Then she bought one herself after working and got into another accident after drinking. She had to pay the woman she hit $15,000. It took her forever to pay it off. We did not help her. She was still paying long after she quit using drugs.

    Enabling a substance abuser does not bring good results either to the abuser or the rest of the family. If you can slip away even for one meeting a week, Al-Anon is fantastic!

    Good luck!
  11. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    They do have online Alanon meetings. I've never participated in one but it's worth looking into. I googled "online alanon" and got these results:

    online alanon - Google Search

    If you can't get to a meeting, I strongly encourage you to read all the literature you can about alcoholism and families of alcoholics. "Codependent No More" is a great place to start.
  12. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    Dollphyn, I just wanted to let you know that I really do understand how you feel. You've spent his whole life focused on him and on what you felt you needed to do to help him. It takes some work to shift your perspective to not be focused on him. What's been helping me is therapy and doing nice things for myself (even small things like sitting and doing my nails while I watch TV). Can you look into respite care for your mother so that you and husband can go out and get an ice cream together, or see a movie once a week? Something to give you some time together (the only rule is, you can't talk about your difficult child during that time). I hit a period where all I was talking about and thinking about was my difficult child. I was boring and obsessed. I actually had to make a rule for myself that "for the next hour, I will not mention DS". It took me a few weeks to figure out what to talk about, because he had taken over my whole mind. Even now, with DS out of my house for a little over a week, my rule is that I can only talk about him online on this forum and one other, to one friend of mine (but only for a few minutes so I don't drive her bonkers), and during therapy. Allowing myself times where I can focus on him, and cry, and worry gives me space to not do those things the remaining 95% of the time, and helps me feel like a human being again.
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Adding my welcome and support. Although I haven't traveled that road yet I do understand the fear and emptiness that comes from his absence. Everyone is correct when they suggest detaching. Some are able to do this promptly and others of us have to take baby steps toward the goal. The first step that worked for me was unplugging our telephones each evening. Until I did that I honestly didn't realize that I was staying on the alert for the next problem. Our alcoholic difficult child had for years called to be picked up or sometimes to "check in" and others just to talk..he is a big talker when he is inebriated. Anyway once I got in the habit of keeping the phone off I began to sleep much better and that, in turn, made my life much more bearable.

    I'm sorry that you are responsible for your Mom as that, too, has to be an anxiety stimulus. There is an organization in our community that provides some respite for caregivers. Depending on the degree of functioning I believe there is also a drop off center available which provide a few hours break and for some of the impaired the stimulation of a different environment. Have you sought out that type of support for you and your husband?

    Sending supportive thoughts your way. DDD
  14. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Dollphynn-I spent the days after my son left scouring the internet for words of wisdom. I found this forum. In addition, I also found this essay Kid’s Bad Decisions Do Not Mean We Are Bad Parents and I still find great wisdom and comfort in it. I pass along the link with the disclaimer that it IS a from a heavily "Christian" perspective and I have no wish to offend you if your beliefs go in a different direction.
  15. dollphyn

    dollphyn New Member

    I know what alcoholism is quite well. I have a brother (64 now) that lives 100 miles from here and he was an alcoholic from the time he was around 20 until around 5 years ago. At which time he was one hour away from death when they found him. He went into the hospital, spent the next 3 months on iv drips, with his brain like mush, when one night he decided it was time for him to get out of his hospital bed, get dressed and go to work, at which time he fell and broke his hip. He then was transferred to a rehabilitation unit for his broken hip. When he was discharged completely from the hospital he said he could not believe he ever drank like that. He has not had a drop since and does not desire one..a true miracle, however, since then he has had a massive heart attack and has lost a kidney and has to go to dialysis every other day. he has alcohol onset dementia. My son witnessed all of this. And I do know that my son is an alcoholic. I believe, deep down he does too!

    My mom is on hospice..I have a nurse that comes once a week and an aide that comes 2-3 times a week.. We also have a lady that I can call and schedule to come sit up to 4 hours with her and there is a respite center that she can stay at for up to a week just in case hubby and I have to leave on an emergency. My husband is from Florida (that is where ALL his family is)..we live here in Texas.

    I feel I really do need some type of therapy or a meeting of some sort. I checked and there is an al-anon meeting not far from my house at all. I may talk with the nurse this Friday and see if I can get the respite volunteer to come maybe once a week to sit with my mom so I can go. I just need to know that I have done all I can do..and although he is 28 years old, he has the maturity of maybe a 20 year old (which I know is old enough to know better). I just cannot figure out where I went wrong. I know I cannot ever let him come back home, I know I cannot ever give him any money no matter what, I know I can't help him anymore...just need my heart to stop breaking into a million pieces and then I can get on with my life I guess. I guess with time it will ease up. I am ok kinda now just knowing that he is under roof and eating. How long this will last I don't know. And I'm not real sure I want to know when it does end and he has no where to go..but then I have to remember...if he ever comes to a point where he has no where to go he always has the shelters.
  16. dollphyn

    dollphyn New Member

  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad that you have the opportunity to have some free time away from home. I envisioned you unable to get a break...whew, glad I am wrong. Many people in our CD family have found great support at the Alanon meetings. I have never attended however I know that some "match" better than others. So I hope the one near your home is just great for you. Should it not be just seek another group until you feel at home with the group. Hugs. DDD

    by the way, the genetic predisposition is in our family also. Out of six adult children we have two who only drink a beer or a glass of wine once or twice a year, two are rather heavy social drinkers and two are light social drinkers. So far the gd's are not drinkers but two of our grandsons are alcoholics. It's random and has nothing to do with IQ or parenting skills. It just my humble opinion.
  18. allydem

    allydem New Member

    Hi Dollphyn and welcome. Like you and many others here, we are in search of comfort/ answers in our time of need. I too threw out my son about 6 weeks ago, and altough life is more more peaceful around the house for myself and my 18yr old daughter, there's this undercurrent of turbulence that is always present. Holidays and family functions come and go, and that's the only time I see my son. He never calls/ or texts unless I initiate it. Whenever we do see each other, it's awkward, and I'm just worried that one day, it'll be so awkward for him to speak to us that all communication will cease. Worse yet is that his grandfather is getting up in age and if something happens to him, he will live to regret it. I certainly will not be the one to pick up the phone to call him and notify him of anything bad that happens. Our last "argument" was over text, in which I let him have it for not keeping in touch with anyone in the family. His response was "I'll start texting now." As if I hadn't heard that before. My response was "well I'm sure you don't forget to text/call your friends. No response back. In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have contacted him at all, but I do feel he is slipping away; my only consolation is the healthy relationship I have with my daughter. She is the light at the end of my tunnel. My son drinks too, but to complicate the situation more, is the fact that he's on wellbutrin and vyvvanse for his adhd. These are drugs that are suppose to help him stay focused, if only he takes them properly, which he's not doing. He's also experimenting with street drugs, which only leaves me wondering how long it'll be before the police are behind my door asking me to come to identify his body. I wish I could offer you words of advice. I wish I could give you a hug. You are in my prayers, and I truly believe that only time will makes things better. I know it sounds corny, but in my heart, I do believe it.
    Keep us posted.
  19. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hello! I do not have this situation in my life right now, but I did want to tell you that I care and am glad you found this forum. We all have special needs kids in some way here so in that sense we all understand there can be a lot of worry and sadness in the parenting journey. I hope you stay here and post often to let us know how things are going.

    Welcome! Love, Buddy
  20. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am sorry I did not welcome you sooner. I have been going through my own crisis but I know how important this support is to each of us. I am sorry that you have to be here but so glad you found us. I too had to kick my difficult child out of the house, and she was only 19. She is an alcoholic and spent last summer in a rehab hospital but relapsed shortly after release. She had no car, no clothes except those on her back, and it was snowing like crazy and very cold and we had to lock her out and call the police to have them make her leave. That was the first time we kicked her out. The second time was a few months later after we let her come back and she proved that we were right to kick her out the first time. It broke our hearts and I couldn't sleep or eat for weeks.

    I also understand about the stress you are under with your mother. I helped acre for my mother for years on a home respirator. The stress we were all under was unbelieveable and it nearly destroyed our family. I truly hope you can get respite to attend an al-anon meeting. In the meantime keep coming here for support, there are so many of us who understand and truly care for each other.