Found difficult child's birthmother

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Nancy, Aug 16, 2009.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The agency contacted her to see if she wanted to reconnect and she said yes. She is basically homeless, has been divorced twice and recently gotten out of an abusive relationship. She was living in a shelter but a friend took her in and she is working in a factory. She was told about the struggles we are having with difficult child and her comment was "well it is genetic." She is going to write difficult child a letter and we will communicate via email until we arrange a meeting with difficult child.

    I made it clear to the social worker that I only had difficult child's best interest at heart and that I didn't want to do anything that would stop forward progress. However based on the fact that difficult child has been smoking pot basically every night and not coming home until the next day tells me that we don't have much to loose right now.

    The social worker feels that this meeting may be good for difficult child and that she may decide she doesn't want that type of life. I'm not so sure but I guess we are going to find out.

  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Hopefully the SW is right. Short of throwing her out on her own, tho, you don't have a lot of other options...hopfully this will make her see the ramifications of her choices. Hugs.
  3. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Oh, Nancy, you really know I share some of your feelings and experiences. This is huge. Much love to you and your husband. I hope she can find the best path for herself so she can stop blaming you and the adoption for all her problems.
    Mega hugs.
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Best of luck. This should be interesting.
    I would be interested in hearing what the bmom has to say.
    Finger's crossed!
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I am concerned. A friend of mine went through something super similar. The results were mixed. Wishing you and your difficult child the very best of luck. Sending positive vibes...good thoughts...prayers...well wishes. Hugs for you's soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.:sad-very:
  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Considering how bad things are, I think meeting bio won't hurt.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hope the communication is a plus for difficult child, and helps her see what you're doing for her in a positive light.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Keeping fingers crossed this goes in a positive direction!

  9. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I know your feelings must be really mixed right now. I would be thinking both options are possible - difficult child could see what she doesn't want to be or she could pull up a chair and start partying with bmom.

    Unfortunately, there is the powerless factor in this situation. You don't have any.

    Mega hugs, support, and positive thoughts being sent yor way. I hope sociology wins over biology.

  10. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Three shadows took the words right out of my mouth verbatim. My heart hurts for you and my thoughts are with your daughter. "It is genetic!?" What a narcissistic statement -She hasn't heard about a child she gave birth to in years and THAT is the statement she makes when she finds out the struggles she's had? WOW....(shakes head - WOW) the pity train hasn't pulled out of the station yet. All aboard. Wow. Repeat what three shadows said - AGAIN.

    You're quite a woman to do this for your child.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Star, I kind of thought of that, too, but then I thought, that's where her mind and heart are right now--she's basically homeless and has hit bottom. She's despairing. Everything is genetic--aka, nothing you can do about it, because she feels she can't do anything about her life. She's not in a place where she can feel anything for anyone right now, not even her bio child.
    I guess I was cutting her some slack, given she's depressed and broke.
    Don't know if that will be a good influence on difficult child ...
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, I hope this goes well for you guys.

    Maybe I read the statement wrong. I kind of thought that bio-mom was saying that "its genetic" as saying that all you have gone through wasnt your fault because your dtr has bio-moms genetic pre-disposition to problems.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Maybe she can talk to difficult child in a way that gets through to her. You never know what will turn a kid around. It doesn't sound like she wants to bring this child into her sad world. The "its's genetic" comment didn't sound narcissistic to me. It sounded kind of sad, like, "Even though I gave her this chance, she turned out to be like me anyway." She may just scold her and tell her how good she has it, after all. I hope it works out well, Nancy.
  14. Christy

    Christy New Member

    I hope things go well and it proves to be an eye opener for difficult child. Sometimes I wish my son had a glimpse of what his life would have been like with his bio-parents, I think maybe he could better appreciate the opportunitues he has in front of him.

    Sending good thoughts and prayers that it is a positive experience for everyone.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I guess it could be taken that way -thanks for the other side of the coin.
  16. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Nancy - I expect we'll have the same situation coming in a few years. I also expect bio mom will not have cleaned up her act like your difficult children bio mom.

    Keeping fingers crossed that this plays out in a positive way for difficult child ~ that she can see her life has been better with you & husband fighting for her.

    You are the definitive warrior mom.
  17. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Contemplative here. When my friend went through this...almost verbatim...literally....her daughter went through a period were she felt that everything was genetic..."see there was no hope." This gave the daughter MORE excuses. She used it and joined in the mother's faulty thinking. Years later, very recently, the daughter is now thinking a little clearer...saying things like she is appreciative of her adoptive mother, wants to improve that relationship and her life and has some choices to make in that regard. The mom (adoptive) was stuck between a rock and a hard place at the time (as well as the counselor) when it was suggested that biomom be found. Nancy's description is nearly exact to this situation, except this mom was not working...I believe she was on disability. Wishing you guys well...its a tough call...but you can only do so much, you are a great mom for providing a potential opportunity and your daughter must make her own choices/decisions about what she wants or doesn't want for her life.
  18. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    WOW, I'm rarely on General anymore so I'm glad I looked today.

    I think this could be very useful and I always wanted this for Rob, although he's never been interested. I'm very pleased that biomom is willing to make a connection. If nothing else, it might stop the "magical thinking" that our kids have about LIFE being perfect "if only..."

  19. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First of the gentlest of hugs to you. I'm guessing in a few years easy child will want to meet her bio mom and probably difficult child some day at some point (although she will be much harder to find).

    Praying that this will work out in a positive way. Hoping she will see how good she has had things with all you and your husband have done.