Friends, I need your prayers and support again...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by tryagain, Jun 20, 2014.

  1. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Here I was thinking I had not posted in a couple of months, but when I did a search for my posts just to refresh my memory on everything, I realize that it has not even been a month yet! Isn't it strange how time passes slowly when you are on alert and dealing with things every day outside of your normal routine.

    Here is how things are right now. (Warning- this will seem like a drama on daytime TV, lol) After her otherwise nice apartment mate relapsed into his heroin addiction, she wanted to make it work and tried to support him in his quest to be clean. Each morning she would remind him of his medicine and check his arms FWIW. He in turn would make sure she took her mood disorder medicine.

    It was going well for these two wounded warriors who had a good relationship as trusted friends and nothing more -until he decided to go back to his under- age 17-year-old girlfriend who'd dumped him-she manipulates him, tantalizes him with her model looks and chest size, and despises my daughter for being his apartment mate and friend. She is insanely jealous.

    About the time "the girl" reappeared,my daughter found on Facebook a local guy that she remembered fondly from junior high days when they liked each other. He is in the military far away and they sort of picked up where they left off. I remember him well- he was a great kid and a HUGE upgrade over the last boyfriend!

    She says that this relationship really works for her right now as she heals from the last one and she enjoys being a support person for him. They enjoy planning the fun things they will do when he returns in the fall.
    Meanwhile she has the freedom to go out at night with friends both guys and girls and often people they both know and like.

    It was all going smoothly until her apartment mate caved into "the girl" when she became hysterical about my daughters presence in the apartment. So he has abruptly swung into moodiness and undependability and says he's moving out. Won't pay his 1/2 of the rent! My daughter fears he is using again -although his arms have been clean, she thinks he is probably shooting up somewhere else. This is not a healthy apartment mate for her so it is probably for the best, but the financial part is hard.

    So I worked with her yesterday on problem-solving and mentioned we had money saved for her to go to community college and had planned to help with an apartment WHEN and IF should she become a full-time student. She could work summers and apply that money to rent while in school. (That is what her sibling, the combo easy child/difficult child does.) She said, "I think this is the push I needed to start school."

    So this way we would hopefully be just assisting her with her living expenses during college, which we would have done anyway...instead of out right handing out money which I refuse to do. (Thanks to all of you friends who encouraged me not to do that! )

    She is also still working the equivalent of a second job for me, to slowly pay back the money on the apartment with the former boyfriend five hours away. She also is slowly paying her dad back for some expenses she incurred moving into the current apartment. So I keep a log of all these expenses and hold her accountable.

    I am asking for your prayers today that she will not lose her food delivery job, stay stable in the face of stress, and maintain her new plan to enroll in school while continuing to emotionally support her overseas military boyfriend.

    Thank you everyone. I don't know what I would do without this website. I don't know another soul on earth who would understand this!
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Very good, Try. Not about the money, but about the accountability and where that puts her.

    That is really good.

    Something about this smacks of vulnerability for you, Try. Brene Brown (Daring Greatly) writes that every human is hard wired for challenge. I am always and forever being rooked into things I shouldn't be through difficult child daughter's relationship problems. I am really trying to keep my heart out of her business. That is probably how I could recognize that little piece of vulnerability for you.

    I don't want that to come off as judgmental. I have to be so aware of my soft spots. That's why I posted that way.

    With all my heart, Try, prayers going up for you, and for your daughter. Even for the roommate with the chesty 17 year old girlfriend.

  3. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Yep, Cedar, I'm nailed again. And it's good to have these things pointed out!

    I do have soft spots that can be manipulated, and my difficult child knows she can get my sympathy. I find that often when my heartstrings are being pulled by difficult child's drama that the truth often lies somewhere between her version of events and the other party's version (if I could hear it).

    I did have a hard time believing this stuff, but I did some sleuthing online and the girl really is that age and of that description. (Thought he'd know better than to mess with jailbait!)

    I was able to resist the vortex of drama sucking me in when difficult child was hours away. Now she's nearby, and comes to see us often, so it's right there. I def need to work harder at being drawn in. Recoveringenabler also noted my susceptibility to the girl drama stuff.

    Would you friends please continue to point my vulnerability out when it presents itself? Thanks and hope everyone finds some enjoyable and/or peaceful moments this weekend...
  4. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    P.S. Thanks for the prayers. My entire cast of characters needs them.
  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Lots of prayers for you both. My son plays on my sympathy all the time. I am getting better about not giving in to it.
  6. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Thanks, pasajes. If we were hardened, we wouldn't be on this forum, right? I think it's a common vulnerability. But one I def need to address.

    Pulling on my velcro soul so I can do a bit of detaching...
  7. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    You have my prayers. It sounds like she is on a good trajectory!
  8. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    It sounds like she's really trying, and she has workable goals. I hope she pulls through and continues working hard and stays the course. It can be a vortex of insanity sometimes, I know the drill. Hang in there.
  9. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Try, i will pray...right now.

    We are mothers and we want the best for our kids. We want to believe them....and do, until we just cannot, anymore.

    This is difficult. Many of us pray for the best, His will, not ours. His wisdom for the future of our children.

    Stay close to the forum.

  10. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I have put faith in the people difficult child daughter brings home (or has babies with) too, Try. One of them beat her nearly to death, over time, on purpose, just this past Thanksgiving. His trial is coming up, end of June. Federal stuff, Try, because of the viciousness of the beating. From that experience, I have taken that people do not change.

    No matter what I believe.

    No matter how much I want it to be better than it is.

    Sometimes Try, it seems to me that if these people can get us to believe in them...I don't know. Is that another kind of win for them? What I tell myself now, for today, is that the situation is what it is because my difficult child daughter is attracted to the kind of men she is attracted to. I don't know why, but I do know they are dangerous, non-law abiding persons with whom I would have nothing in this world to do, were it not for my child.

    So, what I am trying really, really hard to learn, is that there are things I will do to help my children, and that I will not go one step further.

    One of those things is never to believe again that someone who has not yet changed is capable of changing. They like what they are doing, Try.

    I'm sorry. I am disillusioned by what happened to my daughter. I don't want to see you in that place. Or myself, ever again.

    Whatever your rules are for engaging with your child Try, stick to them. Remember what you need to see to continue to help her, and do not bend on that.

    The only solid ground we have Try, is the ground we create.

    That makes it so much harder. What is it you need to see Try, to justify your faith in your child? If you can picture that clearly, it will give you a touchstone, a place to stand up.

    Do stay close, Try. I have posted so much personal information here that it scares me, sometimes. But the site is anonymous. We have been where you are. We can stand by you, whatever the outcome.

    We are powerless, Try. We love our children, and we are powerless before their self destructive determination.

    But we do have one another, here.

    I will hold you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers, Try.

  11. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Thank you Inadaze, Calamity Jane, Seeking Strength, and Cedar. It means a lot to know that four people really cared about all I've been posting about & reached out to me.

    Cedar, I have read over your words twice and you are so right.

    Scent of Cedar posted:
    Remember what you need to see to continue to help her, and do not bend on that.

    Those words got me to thinking about what I need to "see". And I think I'm actually pretty clear on that point. The main thing I need to see is that she absolutely must take her medication.

    While difficult child was living many hours away from us, she would not take her medication and was so miserable until finally she tried to commit suicide in February. Her survival was a major turning point for her.

    She began taking her medicine and realized that she needed to make major changes. She moved home, basically reinvented herself, looked up old friends from happier times, got a job. Not perfect, but a huge improvement.

    Unmedicated she can be violent and rebellious, unproductive and suicidal. Medicated she is friendly, radiant, determined, and loving. I wish that these differences could just be construed as black-and-white, daylight and dark. However, there is a gray area that creeps in dealing with trust issues.

    Having been scammed in the past, I tend to be on guard and suspicious about things that sound far-fetched. However, lately, many of the far-fetched things turn out to be true. And what I am often thinking are lies, are actually difficult child's lifelong inability to explain things well and to include pertinent details. It's maddening sometimes...

    Cedar, thank you for the wise words forcing me to self clarify what I will and will not accept. I must have truth. I must have trust. And above all, she must take her medication.

    Have a good weekend, all, and thanks again for the prayers and thoughts.
  12. Yep, praying for her and you. Every little bit helps. Hang in there!
  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I have been busy making armor for all the mommies in the trenches. My only question is what color do you want?
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Right here too tryagain sending prayers for your difficult child and hugs and lots of warm wishes for peace and solace for you.....

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2014
  15. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Pasajes, thank you ever so much. I'll take a chevron stripe using black & white large zigzags. Black will represent noncompliance with medication, white will represent compliance. In between the black-and-white, put a very thin stripe of gray representing the gray area of trust.
  16. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Well said, Try. Just wanted to let you know I am reading along.