Frustrated With easy child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bunny, Apr 24, 2012.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I just got back from the meeting with the school psycologist and the resource room teacher at easy child's school and I have to say that what they told me is pretty much what I expected. easy child is above average in everything that they tested him for except one thing (I can't remember what they called it), but he's not so bad in that area that they need to give him Occupational Therapist (OT). The teacher can't understand why I was asking for the testing because he's so fabulous in class. He gets all his work done timely in the classroom with no troubles.

    Basically, they saif he's being lazy. He wants attention so he's getting it by being a PITA about getting his homework done. What I see at home is NOT what they are seeing in the classroom.

    Seriously, if I could start drinking now I would, but I have to pick difficult child up after track practice.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Bunny... this tiny detail might in fact be critically important.
    WHAT is this "one thing"... that sometimes requires Occupational Therapist (OT)?

    Because... age 8/9/10 is where one of the next big transitions comes in school, and is a very common time for problems to start showing up.

    And... if it's anything like what we went through?
    School considered difficult child to be an angel, too... until Grade 4.
    By Grade 7 - he was considered a major behavior problem.
    (in reality, SCHOOL created the behavior problem - but that's another story)

    "Minor" disabilities can in fact be MAJOR.
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Basically, what he was weak in was copying things. They gave him a row of numbers and each number had a symbol. Then he had a sheet of numbers and he had to write the correcponding symbol under the number. Does that make sense?

    What they also said is that it's not that he CAN'T do the work (because he clearly is doing it in the classroom and doing it really well, according to the teacher). It seems that he just doesn't WANT to do the work. See the difference?

    The other thing was that the teacher had told me to set the timer to 35 minutes and whatever homework wasn't done they would have him do during morning work. I said that I stopped doing that because the work sheets would come back to me in exactly the same condition that they were when we sent them back to school - not finished! Apparently, the teacher thought that I was "modifying" his homework and she wasn't making him finish it. Huh? That was NOT what we talked about! So now, the teacher has agreed that if homework is not done he has to stay in from recess to finish it.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Working memory deficit.
    Possibly also neuro-motor (i.e. Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD)) in fine motor skills.
    This will snowball VERY fast. Tip of the iceberg, right now.

    Excuse me while I stop and tear out my hair.
    NO. No No No!
    Kids do well IF THEY CAN - NOT "if they want to".
    And SCHOOL loves to push the "doesn't want to" thing.
    So, he's being punished by not being allowed to burn of negative energy, for something he actually has no control over?

    This is so deja-vu.

    I'd be getting him an independent Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation for sensory and motor skills issues ASAP.
    PLUS - push the school for this, but if they won't, then get it independently as well - evaluation for the full spectrum of auditory processing disorders, including auditory figure ground.

    Why? Because these problems are overlooked FAR too often. Schools will NOT push to test "marginal" students... and then, when the kids go off the rails with bad behavior, it gets blamed on either poor parenting, or bad choices on the part of the kid. And both arguments get me steaming, really fast.

    Just because I can move a 100lb rice-sack, doesn't mean I can make a living carrying them.
    Just because a kid can write a sentence, or a paragraph, doesn't mean he can write an essay.
    Just because he can do it in the morning, doesn't mean he can do it in the afternoon.

    There WILL be one or more reasons.
    Best time to find them is... now. Lots of time to turn him around...
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    As always, school ppl are idiots. (Sorry I'm feeling snarky today!)

    Anyway, my son has issues with that copying thing too. He's now finishing 10th grade and has never independently written down a homework assignment that was posted on the board. Tthey specifically taught him this skill all through elementary school. In middle school, he had a 1on1 just for this. He just never got the hang of it. I made sure that there are alternatives means of conveying assignments to him in his IEP.

    They can think it's a "want" issue all they want, but you've got evidence that it's not. Each time that's the core of the problem, bring out those results and ask what can be done differently.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    First of all, I am TOTALLY against ANY and EVERY child being made to give up recess to do unfinished work. Why? Kids NEED time to go run around and burn off energy - regardless of whether they are easy child or difficult child or adhd or alphabet soup. A few years back our state legislature took this away from the schools - kids ALL were required to go OUTSIDE to recess every single day during elem school except in certain weather/air quality conditions. Bad behavior and unfinished work were NOT reasons they could take recess away for.

    Instead of making them work or sit inside during recess, our local school implemented Walk and Talk. W&T is having the kids walk around the perimeter of the playground for the entire recess or for the amt of time they are not allowed to play freely. Kids who just want to do W&T or want to walk and talk with a friend are welcome to do so with-o penalty even if the friend is on W&T for behavior/homework reasons. The kids who get to school before the building is open (early drop off from buses or parents but before the teachers are all there and ready to supervise them inside the building) do W&T in the morning before school and afterschool while waiting for the buses.

    At first the teachers HATED this, esp the older ones who were set in their ways. By Halloween? They LOVED W&T. Why? Kids were better behaved in the classroom because they worked out that energy! Plus they know they will never not be allowed to talk at recess so they are less chatty during lessons and work times. It really has had a HUGE positive effect on the entire school for quite a few years now. So I would NOT allow the homework to take away recess.

    Given the difference between home and school, have you looked at what kind of influence difficult child's behavior may be having on easy child? It would be rational and normal for easy child to see difficult child not having to do homework by being a difficult child and then to figure out that if he (easy child) is disruptive or refuses or is a PITA then he can get out of it also. It also seems quite logical that maybe all the tension and disruption of having a difficult child sibling is adding so much stress to easy child at home that he really needs to not have the stress of homework to have to do while difficult child is being a difficult child. Sometimes having a difficult child sibling can really make it nearly impossible to focus on studying/homework, and this happens all the time, not just when difficult child is actually having a meltdown or problem. The tension of walking on eggshells and knowing Mom is super tense or walking on eggshells can create so much tension in a sibling that even though they are easy child they simply are UNABLE to study or focus at home.

    How do I know? I used to DREAD having to study at home because I was ALWAYS waiting for my brother to blow up or get angry or to find out whatever lie he had told my parents to get me into trouble. I would be fine at school and then be totally unable to cope at home because my bro was there or woudl be there soon. This is one of the things that is so hard adn so horrible about having a difficult child sibling. Wow. Just thinkng/typing this makes that old tension and dread creep up - the way i used to feel as I was on the bus going home and then walking home from the bus. It wasn't that my bro was always having a meltdown/rage/tizzy/scheme/whatever. It was that I simply could NOT count on him to NOT have one, so I was ALWAYS waiting for that other shoe to drop.

    Then there is the fact that easy child might be working super hard to keep it together and do the right thing all day at school and this is getting harder and harder the older he gets. After working that hard all during school, by the time easy child gets home he might be plum out of ability to focus and do the homework. He could just be too frazzled to cope f he is having troubles at school that no one is picking up on yet. (Sensory and processing problems can be totally missed or compensated for in earlier grades but it gets harder as the schoolwork does.)

    Is there an afterschool study group or supervised tutoring at school that easy child could go to in order to get his homework done?
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I have a different opinion, and this is my own.

    I didn't copy down assignments, either. And in my case, it was because I didn't want to. And it started early.

    Mine was simple - I was bored - and their busywork was beneath me...
  8. keista

    keista New Member

    :rofl: ME TOO! But I did copy down the assignments - just didn't do them, but they also never checked back then.
  9. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Bunny I have fought this battle too. First I got refused for years for Occupational Therapist (OT). Finally I did get school to do Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation after I think it was a 3 year battle (different schools). When it was done the Occupational Therapist (OT) found that young difficult child had an "irreproducible" (her word) way of holding his pencil that was causing hand fatigue making it difficult for him to write a lot. Additionally he struggles with being able to write (language arts) as he moved from different school districts that taught different things jumping stepping stones in the process. (still battling the schools over this one). I still fight them now over the fact that yes, he will test high and the teachers all say he "can" write but chooses not to. Unless a "teacher" sits on top of him, he won't do it and when they do it stresses him out and of course he does it though it's really not what it should be. It's just a "piece" to hand it to them that they accept so they can pass him on. At home it's a all out battle that I no longer fight at all, any homework, as it turned into hours and hours and rages. So not worth it when there is more important battles to be fought. Actually the war (I pick and choose battles and look at the war I'm winning. I'd rather win the war then the battle).

    I'd keep trying and if possible seek outside evaluation. I know with other difficult child I had to do that for her auditory issues since school refused. Independent did find something as well.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I didn't either.
    But my reason was really simple...

    I couldn't see the board.
  11. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    difficult child does all of his homework every single night. He would rather cut off his arm than have to tell the teacher that he didn't do his homework.

    There will be no IEP. That was what I was told at the meeting this afternoon. Basically, I'm on my own (just like with everything else).
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    {{hugs}} for your Warrior Mom heart...

    And then... like all Warrior Moms do?
    We might loose the battle, but the war isn't over.

    See if you can find ways to get outside evaluations and other "second opinions".