getting cursed at

[Childofmine]

Up, you are NOT crazy, even though everybody around you is disagreeing with reality. You're NOT the crazy one. We are here with you.

I remember when my alcoholic husband (now ex) and I used to have----endlessly----those circular conversations. I thought I was insane by the time it was over. I would be completely bereft and exhausted and full of despair.

I could not be heard by that man. If I started talking about the dishwasher needed fixing or the car was making a funny noise or a high-up light bulb needed to be changed....somehow, we would end up in a huge fight and the words always, never, You do this and you do that, well I have MY things I need to do, I don't have time for YOUR things (me saying it all too) and by the time it was all over...the problem was still the problem and mine to figure out how to solve.

And I was completely demoralized by the exchange with the person who was supposed to be my partner, my friend and my helpmate.

Finally (slow, slow learner that I am) I quit bringing any household issues to him at all. I mean none. I either did it myself or I hired it done.

But we would still have the circular, long, drawn out, conversations and arguments.

Sorry, I got off on my deal there, but I don't want you to think you are crazy. You are practicing healthy behavior. They are not.

And you are soooooo right---husband is next. I would stand down and stand aside---get yourself out of the line of fire----and let husband be the one.

Let him see what reality is really like.

Warm hugs. We are here for you. Don't ever forget that. Go to the beach! Go go go!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

"He just emailed me demanding an apology and saying again that I'm lower than dog poop and too dumb to talk to. "

****

What a piece of work.

You could remind this arrogant middle child that, while he Is certainly entitled to hold any opinion he chooses, you and husband raised him to know better than to argue from a mean, and meaningless, premise.

:0)

I'm just sayin'.

Then, you might suggest that, should he ever develop the capacity for communicative speech, he explain his interpretation of the phrases "lower than dog poop" and "too dumb to talk to" and explain, for the edification of those less intellectually gifted, just how your position relative to dog poop has anything to do with him continuing to live in your house?

Then, you might remind this arrogant middle son that you are the very mother from whom one half of his own intellectual capacities were derived.

And then?

Off to the beach!

Cedar

 

[SuZir]

Ugh, he really isn't in touch with realities of life, is he? I think it is beyond time for him to learn some realities of life. Like: Do not bite a hand that feeds you! (Or whose car you drive or in whose house you live in.)

I at times wonder if this kind of attitude has something to do with having a difficult child sibling. Our easy child's get to be golden children way too easy and they spend their time comparing themselves to our difficult children and of course come to immature conclusion, that they are so much better than their troubled siblings. And at times we may praise them just for the relieve they are not difficult children. That may turn them to think way too highly about themselves. My easy child, thus far, has not convinced himself that he would be quite that much better or smarter than husband or I (just your normal teenage child amount) but he is very sure in his conviction that he is better in every way than his brother and is very shaken up every time his brother does something he can't achieve. Not very attractive attribute in him and I do hope he matures out of it. Unfortunately I'm not too sure about it.

 

[1905]

Lower than dog poop was my paraphrase, the actual words would get blocked out. He also said he had to e-mail me because he finds he has no patience talking to people (like me) of such low intellect. It was so crazy, I went to the beach yesterday and will again tomorrow. He came home Thursday night, wouldn't answer the door for me Friday and I haven't spoken to him. He is waiting for me to say I am sorry and kiss his behind. He is in for a rude awakening. Let him be happy not talking to me.

SuZir, it's true about them not being a difficult child so they have some unreasonably inflated ego. Maybe dysfunctional family dynamics, we're only human, maybe I caused it. He should know better. I certainly know better than to feed into this. I doubt this will change either, his attitude has been like this and slowly progressed. I don't have time for this.

 

[BusynMember]

He sure sounds like a difficult child to me. Just because he's not on drugs and works doesn't make him a nice person or a good son. 36 would be a easy child if just having a job meant he's a easy child. 36 is very smart, was in gifted classes all through school, and makes a lot of money. He never talks to me quite as badly as your middle son talked to you. If he did, he would not be able to talk to me at all because I have boundaries about what he can and can't say to me. For all the abuse he has heaped on me when he is under stress, which makes him plain mean, he does tell me I only made two mistakes in bringing him up. We would have no relationship at all if he said those hurtful things to me. If my ex talked to me the way your husband did, and sided with this abusive behavior, I would never talk to ex either and I'm not even married to ex anymore...lol.

It really isn't funny though. You have a lot of garbage going on and I hope you keep taking care of yourself and distance yourself emotionally from the nonsense you are getting from your middle son and your husband. If it were me (and I know it's not)I would probably be trying to figure out a way to get them both out or leave myself. I don't know if I was at that place yet at your age though. I really took my time before I realized I didn't need to be abused. I was more into my 50's, maybe 52 or 53 when it hit me.

Keep being good to yourself. Hang around with your true loved ones who realize the good person you are. Nobody has a right to abuse you, no matter who that person is.

 

[Nomad]

SuZir...our easy child son, went difficult child for a year in high school around age 16.5. I believe there were a few different reasons why. One of which was that he never had normal sibling rivalry. His difficult child sister was always messing up. He seemed (and kinda was) like an angel and great student by comparison. Plus, he is the bio kid and she is adopted...maybe this played some role...I don't know. He was a good kid, but when he became a teen...I think it may have been almost too easy for him. And I think he developed a big ego. Then when we came down on him for being inappropriate, he acted entitled. I pulled the plug on that super fast (long story)...involved some major tough love. Today, he is super easy child...thank goodness. He knows better to be rude or disrespectful EVER to me or his father. And difficult child continues to be a difficult child. Very little to nothing sinks in with her.

 

[tishthedish]

I am sorry for your troubles. It is so hard to feel "on the outside" in your own house. Hopefully this will make you smile.
My parents were verbally combative with each other. When I was an adult (they were married 51 years) I asked her how she coped? She said cleaning always helped calm her down. Cleaning, I asked? Yes, she said. The inside of the toilet bowl with my Dad's toothbrush. I laughed so hard, I cried.

 

[Albatross]

She said cleaning always helped calm her down. Cleaning, I asked? Yes, she said. The inside of the toilet bowl with my Dad's toothbrush. I laughed so hard, I cried.

HAHA! As long as they didn't kiss and make up!

Upallnight, I hope you are having a fabulous couple of days on the beach. I'm sorry this has happened to you but I sure admire the great way you are not acquiescing to his bad behavior. I remember my easy child going through a period when she first moved out when she was of the opinion that everyone else was an idiot. And really, it's OK to THINK it. Life will disabuse them of that notion fast enough. They just don't have to SAY it, and certainly not the way your son has. Stay strong!

 

[APK]

I am so sorry that your family are speaking to you like this. It sounds like husband is emotionally abusing you. Is there some way you could get away for a few weeks, visit a relative or friend out of town? It might be helpful to be able to detach and give yourself some time to think clearly and figure out how to deal with this long term, and think about your options. If you expect to be treated better, but keep being treated badly, it is extremely damaging to your emotional and physical health.