Giant step backwards

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DoneDad, Feb 2, 2019.

  1. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    daughter 28 pregnant again (third time, 3 different losers). She’s 3-4 months pregnant, staying with us again. Wife is locked in to this pattern as much as daughter is. I don’t want to even think it, but I’m starting to think the only way off the roller coaster might be on my own.
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh no. I am so sorry. I don’t understand it at all, daughter, she ended up adopting out her second baby, now pregnant with a third? We can’t seem to catch a break from the crazy choices these adult (in age only) kids. My daughter has not seen her three kids in over a year. Paternal grandparents are raising them. It is mind boggling. I am so sorry for your troubles.
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  3. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    This is a quote from a different thread, but it so fits. Forcing her crisis on us. Over and over.

    Her magic words that always work are: I’m pregnant with no where to go.

    This is IT. She’s going to keep doing the same thing. I’m starting to think my wife is too. But I can change.

    In this situation, I’m going to use these I statements. Telling her, “You need to do x” is a waste of time. Wife and I are in therapy together and we go again on Tuesday. Right now we just don’t know what to do and feel defeated and trapped in the same situation we’ve been in before.

    Great advice. Reading this, which was about a different situation, is really helping me get a handle on what I need to do. Wife and I are seeing therapist on Tuesday, so we can start there with getting on the same page.
  4. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I'm sorry you're going through this. My daughter is currently pregnant with her second child and not in a great place to be a mom again. It's hard to watch. I sometimes think it would be nice to have a partner to share the burden with but I never thought about a situation such as yours. I know it is all too common. I'm sorry you're going through this. Sending peace to you.
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry about this. I'm glad you and your wife are going to therapy. I pray your wife will come to see that enabling is not helping anyone.
    I wish you all the strength you will need to get through this.
    Would your daughter consider giving the baby up for adoption? If she is using drugs, is there a way to involve children's services?
    Again, I'm just so sorry!! I'm glad you shared with us. We are always here for you!!
  6. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    I’ve followed your prior stories the past years, and know this “repeat” situation is devastating. Your post above definitely sounds like you understand your situation and have strength to see it through. You and wife do need to be on the same page, and I hope your therapy offers that chance for you to use those "I" statements ( I need this because I feel that... That won't work for me. I need xx) to stand together.

    You are right that it looks like this pattern may continue with daughter, and not the last time that she will likely be pregnant, as it is her pattern to force her crisis on you, as you said. How is this affecting your 4 yr old grandson with the ongoing drama? It certainly cannot be good for him.

    I have no wisdom here except what is repeatedly expounded on this site about detachment. Know that we care for you and understand. Take care of yourself.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have no great wisdom either. Make your life the best one you can no matter what that entails. You are sadly in a lose/lose situation regarding daughter.

    Your daughter obviously is not having babies for the love of raising them. Maybe you can find the baby daddy and his family and see if there is a level of interest there so that its not all on your side. Dads have as many rights as mothers these days and custody no longer favors mothers.

    If something doesnt change with Daughter she could have six kids and expect you to raise them all. Hopefully the therapist can help.
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2019
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    DoneDad. This is what I wrote last night but did not post it because it spoke from despair.

    "I don't know what to say. I find this all unbearably sad. We are all running around like ants in a fire. To escape. And there is no place to go."

    This is trauma speaking. Where we cease to exist because there are no words. As humans we need words in order to feel we exist in a way that is "being." When we are in this space we start jettisoning overboard our relationships, believing (falsely) that we can find some relief.
    It is our children who are defeated and trapped. And we feel compelled to enter that space with them. At once we follow them and they lure us. This becomes our addiction, and when we follow it, we are done for. For a moment we have lost ourselves.

    But our relationships, our selves, our integrity and self-control, our hope and our dignity are still there. I am seeing that. It is like those figure ground pictures of the Gestalt psychologists. I don't know if you have seen them. Like the one that is at once a vase and a woman's profile? All you do is look at the image in a slightly different way and abracadabra, it's a different thing.

    So it is with us. We merge with them, we allow ourselves to fall in and lose ourselves. And blink. And we remember we are still us, capable of boundaries, of self-definition, of choices, of self-efficacy.

    That's why here is so helpful. We can remember who we are. Human.

    Thank you DoneDad.
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    Last edited: Feb 3, 2019
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    It is “unbearably sad.”
    And sickeningly unfair how they make repeated huge mistakes and show up for you to “fix it.”
    My husband and I had to go to therapy together and I went by myself at times.
    It was very comforting and helped to sort things out a little.
    In our case, we learned that setting boundaries was often helpful. Not necessarily for her benefit, but for ours. We had to lower our expectations. And accept that this might not have the greatest ending.
    My husband, who handles this stuff better than many, lives by the motto “it is what it is.”

    As a side note: We pay our daughter to take birth control. She gets a shot. When we get confirmation from the doctors office, she is reimbursed. Interestingly and sadly, she simply would not use it otherwise. No cause and effect reasoning. No care at all of the HUGE consequences of not using birth control.

    Another side note...when we adopted our daughter, the social worker told us the mothers she works with often do this repeatedly. I was aghast. They get pregnant, out the baby up for adoption and do it again. WTH? Having a baby is very painful. Giving the child up for adoption has to be very emotional. That should of been some sort of weird clue of the madness I was entering.

    Please consider counseling. These burdens are huge.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I like what Nomad said alrhough I think your daughter gets pregnant to upset you and make you work with her. After all abortions are legal and Daughter doesnt sound religious to me. She likes the power this gives her. How it melts her mothers heart. Maybe how it drives a wedge between you and your wife. The poor baby is a weapon.

    But before I would consider giving her a dime or even a shower in your home I would insist she get th BC shot with me watching. A .little late now but worthy for later.

    Nomad is very correct about repetition with these very unfit birthmothers. I saw the same pattern in foster care and will use Sonics birthmother as an example.

    His birthmother had four drug addicted babies, all living with her impoverished mother before she had Sonic, her fifth. Then Grandma finally said "I cant anymore. I do t even want to see him so I cant bond." Turns out her last grandbaby besides having drug exposure problems was also only a year old. The other three were like 5, 4, and 2. No fathers to help of course.

    His birthmother lived in a very violent and destitute part of Chicago and was an addict and we also suspect a prostitute. She had Pill options but she said she "forgot." Forgot to take them. We were told that doctors were pleading for her to take birth control. Medicaid paid for it just like it paid for the 11 rehabs she was forced into and left. They did not want her to have more children. Grandma was done taking them so they then now became a state problem.

    She has custody of no kids .They took Sonic when he tested positive for crack. I bet she kept having babies.

    We can only do so much but we can try.
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2019
  11. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I don't know if your city offers this service, but we have several non profits that allow women in your daughter's situation to stay for a few months during and after the pregnancy. It's not just for pregnant teens and battered women. They can apply for public assistance. These places offer life skills and job training. It might be good to look into what kind of services your town offers.
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  12. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    What SWOT said about the birth control shot is good. Women don't like the side effects (nausea, weight gain), but being pregnant causes those same symptoms! I think the risks are small, despite what the literature says. Smoking while on birth control can definitely make you more likely to have a stroke.
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I just saw this DoneDad, geez, I'm so sorry.
    What a feeing of extreme powerlessness.
    How're you doing now?
  14. Beta

    Beta Member

    Your insights are always so spot on. I learn a lot from reading your posts. I've just spent the last week "lost to myself", enmeshed in my son's problem and hoping he would relent and come here with us. He refuses. I'm so sick of him and what he has done to our lives. Right now, I hate him and I wish I had never laid eyes on him.
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  15. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Done Dad, I so relate to the repeat dysfunctional performance. My daughter, 38, dual diagnosis, did what yours did: 2 pregnancies with two losers. My only worth to her was as a rescuer, and it wreaked hell on my health and my relationship with her step dad.

    When she go pregnant the second time, I told her I would not rescue her or let her live with us. I told her I would help her get treatment, which she refused. In one of her rages she said I would never see her or my two grandkids again. So far, she has made good on her word. My heart breaks for my grand kids who need positive influences.

    I came to the belief that I see you coming to: THAT YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MUST CHANGE whether or not she does. I know I was trapped in a dance with my daughter because of my fear and guilt and worry. Those things never made anything better.

    You deserve to have a good life and to know you are a good person, and that it is an act of love to take care of yourself. Your wife and daughter may or may not change, but you can.