Grief and different Types

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, Oct 20, 2017.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am having what I call episodic grief episides over my dad and anything can trigger it. Just seeing his car that I got after he died triggered a half hour crying attack today. I dont usually remember my dreams, but he comes to me in my dreams every night and he is younger and the dreams are so real. I believe that it has been proven to me that we exist even after our bodies die (please... i dont want to argue this) and i feel him all the time. Usually it makes me feel safe and good, but sometimes it makes me cry.

    My dad is the only person in my family of origin, except for my dear grandmother, who loved me unconditionally throughout all his life and that means so much to me. At various times I was the family pariah to everyone else, but he got mad at me sometimes but never turned on me. I felt strongly that he felt badly about how my mother shunned me. I know he did. He was not a gentle man or good with showing love, but I knew he cared. Most of the time...lol.

    My grandma openly loved me and I was her favorite grandchild. Even her beloved son, who called me "the brat", did not make her budge against me and we spoke almost daily until she died. But my emotions were numbed and frozen back then, maybe from so much family, husband and peer abuse, so I was able to push her death out of my mind like it hadnt happened. And my mother was hateful to me after she died and that made me freeze up more. When I finally grieved, it was hard but I could hold back from feeling it completely...i was used to burying hurt. I feel kind of bad that I didnt grieve as much for her when we were so very close.

    Decades later, I no longer freeze my emotions. I cant. My life is filled with love. Maybe thats why I tear up each time i see my dad's car or look at his pictures of him on my wall or wake up from a vivid dream. My heart is too open for me to shut off my emotions. I know it isnt healthy to feel emotionally dead, but in certain ways it is easier.

    Thank you for always loving me, Dad. I love you too.

    Just a vent (sigh).
     
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    Last edited: Oct 20, 2017
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I had similar dreams when my Dad died. He was always younger and not ill. I could even smell him in the dreams, it was so real. Like you I believe those departed come to us to soothe us. My Mom had that experience as well after my Dad passed, especially when she was overwhelmed with sadness. So did my sister.

    We all grieve in different ways and it can last awhile. Your Dad has recently passed, I'm sure the grief is still raw for you. Especially since you felt so loved by him.

    FWIW, I believe the 'connections' you are experiencing are love.....that's been my experience, love transcends this plane.....in my view, you're being surrounded and wrapped in love....that would bring tears to me too.....

    Such a sweet and vulnerable post SWOT....thanks for sharing.
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    R E, your dang wonderful post made my eyes tear up. Thank you. It is so hard to explain to people who not believe like we do. It feels like he is trying to comfort me, something he could not do while human. But in spirit, his energy is warm and so loving...

    I feel my grandma too, but never had dreams like this about her. I think my spirituality was shut down at the time of her death as well as my emotions...I was living a different life in a different world...I barely know that frozen person now. Was it really me? Some of us change so much.

    RE, you are a hero and mentor to me on this board and I value you every day. May the Universe bless you. I hope i can see you in St. Louis, if only to give you a hug.
     
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  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you SWOT. :love_heart:
     
  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    SWOT
    Grief is a process. I have been through the loss of my father and mother within 14 months of each other, chaos and family turmoil and the issues with my son.
    I was going so fast and not stopping to grieve at all. The Saturday of Canadian Thanksgiving the damn broke and I literally stayed in and cried for 24 hours. My eyes were swollen and I was exaustes.

    Triggers are often and frequent now especially for my mother. Oddly I do not sense her or my farther. However, my Grandmother who died a decade ago is an amazing powerful presence. I adored my Grandmother and she loved me very much.

    We know what we know and that which we don’t is what it is. The great mystery of the universe beyond our realm is a vast unknown.

    I can hear my Grand Mother’s voice and feel her presence so strongly. Yet still radio silence from mom and dad.

    The loss of parents no matter how old we are is such a tremendous impactful event.

    Grief is a start and stall and a non linear emotional event. As with the strain our DCs put us through, it gets easier to manage over time.

    I have some hats of my Dads. And a little dish of my moms. They are a comfort and trigger happy memories. Still tears flow.

    Let yourself grieve in you own way and your own time. Enjoy the dreams they are precious!
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you, LBL, for your kind post.
     
  7. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    SWOT I feel strongly that they can communicate with us from the afterlife. I still smell my Mom's hairspray on days I feel sad, or hear the tinkles of the wind chimes even though there may not be wind. We are all interconnected in life and death. Its okay to cry and to feel these emotions. I like to think its our souls recognizing the wonder of life and the afterlife. My mom passed almost 4 years ago and there are still times when I unexpectedly break into tears. Hugs to you and thank you for your beautiful post.
     
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  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I was young, only 23, when i lost my mom. It literally took me months of living in a fog before I got close to my old self. I went so far as to call her house over and over, listening to the ring and praying she'd answer. I lostDad only 2 years later. No matter how old you are I think that when you lose your parents you feel like an orphan.

    I cried on my wedding day (both) because they weren't there. I cried when my son was born. Heck, there was a commercial I cried at over and over. When we were dealing with our son these last few years, I missed them so much.

    At 54 years old, I miss them still. Be kind and patient. I also believe he's still here in some form, with his loved ones.

    :hugs:
     
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  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you both.

    Wisernoe, it helps to know I will see him again, that his consciousness and being still lives. Same with my grandma.

    Interstingly I never feel the presvence of my mother...ever.

    I have had many amazing medium readings to get feedback from my deceased loved ones. I know some amazing mediums who knew nothig of me, even before computers, yet gave me details they could never have known. Dates, specifics, physical appearance, other stuff. I wad oncs a skepticcal atheist. I can not be now. Im glad.
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2017
  10. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I still get hit by the "grief monster" occasion, 15 years after my husband's death. Now though, it's usually a good kind of sadness, if that makes sense.

    A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to Pandora radio on my phone. A specific song by Harry Chapin that husband used to sing all the time came on. I was suddenly in tears.

    I cry very rarely, and in fact, the last time i cried was when Jakey the cat had to be put down.

    They were initially sad tears, and then I had a vision of Stu, a few months after he'd gotten out of the Army, with his hair growing out, and the beard he'd grown to hide the scars from a kitchen accident, dancing in the living room as he sang that song in his beautiful voice, and suddenly I was smiling through my tears.
     
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  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Lil I am 53 I have many siblings and they are a toxic bunch. I have resolved myself to the fact that I am now an elderly orphan. My parents both passed in the past year and a half. I do miss them so.

    I am grateful I had them for the time that I did. My mother was a wonderful Loving and artful soul. My father had his demons to battle with alcohol. He was a young Man in the Navy in WWII and the drinking was resolved when I was a young girl. He was a loving and giving man in his own way. I am perplexed as to how they raised such self absorbed toxic children. And yet I say this and look at my own son. I don’t have a lot to do with how he chooses to live do I?

    The loss of a parent is a tragic occurrence no matter what age.
     
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Grief is hard no matter how old you are. It comes in waves and they can completely swamp you at the most unexpected times. Sometimes the oddest things can trigger a wave.

    I firmly believe our loved ones live on. My grandfather died before I was born, but I saw him a few times before my grandmother died. Once after we moved away from the state she lived in. She was so worried about us, and I think he came to check on us so that he could ease her worries. I had no idea who he was until my mother overheard me describe him to my brother. There are few photos of my grandfather, so I didn't recognize him. Some years later I saw him several times. He was sitting by my grandmother's bed as she was very ill. I saw him in her home and I saw him in the hospital a few days before she died. He was always holding her hand.

    I am sure your dad is watching over you with love, just as he loved you all of your live. Stay open to your feelings and you won't get stuck in your grief. If you do feel stuck, I am sure you can find a grief support group that could be helpful.

    You might try journaling your feelings and experiences as you go through this. You are a wonderful and talented writer and this might be a very moving written work. Even if you are the only person who ever reads it.
     
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  13. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    After my mom died (she was young and we were close)I had horrible grief for a very long time. I still have brief moments of sadness.
    I was not close to my Dad , and when he died I was surprised that experienced grief.
    Similar to grief:I can say for years I felt and still do at times feel grief re our D.C. I would describe it more as a sense of LOSS...wish she could be healthy (mentally) or at least healthier...wish I could enjoy a relationship with her like others do as mother/daughter.
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks. Susie, the visatations are so comforting, Im sure. Love to all.
     
  15. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    This coming June will mark the 20 year anniversary of my mom's passing. I still have episodes of grief and crying. Usually when I'm dusting pictures and I will pause to look at her and the flood of emotions takes me over. Something I learned from her death was to embrace the pain we feel as it's a testimony to the love we have for them.
    I'm so glad that you were close to your dad and that you have a love that still exists for him.
    I love it when my parents are in my dreams, to see them both still alive is very special.

    Thanks for sharing your heart with us SWOT :love_heart:
     
  16. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    I was a grandmother's girl too and I miss her dearly. She was my soulmate and her spirit is still guiding me and I can still feel her love from heaven. It is wonderful that your dad's spirit is comforting to you. And let those healing tears drop and flow they are there to clean our emotions and spirit. I have cried a river! God gave us the tears to use and I do use and cleanse my soul with them. You are a wonderful writer and your post has touched my soul.