I am having what I call episodic grief episides over my dad and anything can trigger it. Just seeing his car that I got after he died triggered a half hour crying attack today. I dont usually remember my dreams, but he comes to me in my dreams every night and he is younger and the dreams are so real. I believe that it has been proven to me that we exist even after our bodies die (please... i dont want to argue this) and i feel him all the time. Usually it makes me feel safe and good, but sometimes it makes me cry. My dad is the only person in my family of origin, except for my dear grandmother, who loved me unconditionally throughout all his life and that means so much to me. At various times I was the family pariah to everyone else, but he got mad at me sometimes but never turned on me. I felt strongly that he felt badly about how my mother shunned me. I know he did. He was not a gentle man or good with showing love, but I knew he cared. Most of the time...lol. My grandma openly loved me and I was her favorite grandchild. Even her beloved son, who called me "the brat", did not make her budge against me and we spoke almost daily until she died. But my emotions were numbed and frozen back then, maybe from so much family, husband and peer abuse, so I was able to push her death out of my mind like it hadnt happened. And my mother was hateful to me after she died and that made me freeze up more. When I finally grieved, it was hard but I could hold back from feeling it completely...i was used to burying hurt. I feel kind of bad that I didnt grieve as much for her when we were so very close. Decades later, I no longer freeze my emotions. I cant. My life is filled with love. Maybe thats why I tear up each time i see my dad's car or look at his pictures of him on my wall or wake up from a vivid dream. My heart is too open for me to shut off my emotions. I know it isnt healthy to feel emotionally dead, but in certain ways it is easier. Thank you for always loving me, Dad. I love you too. Just a vent (sigh).