So, I hope you guys don't mind me posting every 4 seconds For those of you who said that the fact that H. being gone felt surreal to me was just a phase of grief - you are so right on. I am out of denial and onto what stage??? Or from what I hear they loop around and back and forth - great! The last 2 days have been horrific! I can't stop crying. The worst part is that I am crying at work!!!!!! I get home, I cannot feel things, but I get to work (which as you have seen from my other posts is certifiably insane) and I start to quiver, hyperventilate, and cry - IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE. It is unthinkable to me. I am a bleaping manager, and I cry because someone is mad at me? OMG. Today after another manager (a leftover from the other day) told me how I do my job incorrectly - this excessive emotionality took over. Then I could not stop the process. This other manager just looked at me, and then said "have me some time", but then some other part time, innocent employee came to talk to me. I had to send him away because I was still stifling sobs. You know the annoying kind of crying that sticks in your throat like demon possessed hiccups? Yep - that is what happened. And everywhere I looked to try and find some solace - and regain my composure - there was another employee. No quick exits - no quiet cubby - just people looking at me and wondering why I was choking on my own tongue (or so it appeared). All I could say is, "I am so sorry, you know I just lost my sister.........and well............" and then more demon like hiccups contorted out of my body. I do not think I have ever been so embarrassed, and so sad all at the same time. I do not like my job - I do not like my life - my sister is gone - difficult child is stagnant - and I just want to give up. Perhaps I need medication. In fact I think I need some sort of Xanax, because I will lose my job if this keeps happening. You know that book Alexander and the Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Day? That is how I feel. Sigh. Only it is not a day but a year. I know, self pity is never good. I will stop. I am sure soon things will be better. Swallow, gulp, breathe. I just cannot have any more excessive outpourings at work.