Grief has grabbed hold

[Steely]

So, I hope you guys don't mind me posting every 4 seconds

For those of you who said that the fact that H. being gone felt surreal to me was just a phase of grief - you are so right on. I am out of denial and onto what stage??? Or from what I hear they loop around and back and forth - great! The last 2 days have been horrific! I can't stop crying.

The worst part is that I am crying at work!!!!!! I get home, I cannot feel things, but I get to work (which as you have seen from my other posts is certifiably insane) and I start to quiver, hyperventilate, and cry - IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE. It is unthinkable to me. I am a bleaping manager, and I cry because someone is mad at me? OMG.

Today after another manager (a leftover from the other day) told me how I do my job incorrectly - this excessive emotionality took over. Then I could not stop the process. This other manager just looked at me, and then said "have me some time", but then some other part time, innocent employee came to talk to me. I had to send him away because I was still stifling sobs.

You know the annoying kind of crying that sticks in your throat like demon possessed hiccups? Yep - that is what happened. And everywhere I looked to try and find some solace - and regain my composure - there was another employee. No quick exits - no quiet cubby - just people looking at me and wondering why I was choking on my own tongue (or so it appeared). All I could say is, "I am so sorry, you know I just lost my sister.........and well............" and then more demon like hiccups contorted out of my body.

I do not think I have ever been so embarrassed, and so sad all at the same time.

I do not like my job - I do not like my life - my sister is gone - difficult child is stagnant - and I just want to give up.

Perhaps I need medication. In fact I think I need some sort of Xanax, because I will lose my job if this keeps happening.

You know that book Alexander and the Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Day? That is how I feel. Sigh. Only it is not a day but a year. I know, self pity is never good. I will stop.

I am sure soon things will be better. Swallow, gulp, breathe. I just cannot have any more excessive outpourings at work.

 

[everywoman]

Steely---keep posting. I'm glad you are able to recognize that this is a stage of greif. It's okay. If your co-workers can't handle it---that's their issue---not yours. I can remember when I found out husband was abusing drugs I broke down in front of my boss. I'm usually very reserved and I had to go into that man's office and tell him why I needed to take the week before spring break off---not something you do in the school system. I sobbed like a baby. I was so embarassed because I don't like for anyone to pity me or think I'm weak. But, he was understanding and polite about it all. I think people understand a lot more than we think they do.

 

[Hound dog]

Hon

It's not self pity. It's grief.

And as for what you're going thru now I don't know what stage you'd call it exactly, but I do know I went thru it after my grandmother passed. So I'm guessing it's probably normal.

I know you have some @sses at work, but even they should be able to understand you just lost your sister. It's not necessarily going to be business as usual 100% of the time. If they have a heart at all it's not so hard to figure that out.

But I know what you mean because there isn't anything more humilliating for me than to cry infront of another person. I imagine it would be worse in that situation. And the not feeling as if you can control it only makes it worse. Let's just say I "used" the bathroom often in the months after my grandmother's death. Got to where I'd scope them out beforehand, believe it or not.

I'd discuss the possiblity of medications with your doctor and see what they think. It might be a big help to you, especially at work where you're already dealing with all the bull they pull on a reg basis.

Post as much as you need or want. That's why we're here.

(((((hugs))))))

 

[KTMom91]

I think being a manager makes any personal difficulty even more difficult, since you're supposed to be able to handle anything and everything, and do it with silent efficiency while smiling at the customers. I was in retail management for ten years, both store and district level, and I do not miss it at all! I wish I had answers for you, but I can offer you many hugs and prayers.

 

[Steely]

Thanks guys. Yeah I hate retail right now. I took the job because it is what I do, not what I want to do. I enjoy helping employees grow, but in this environment I do not see how it is possible. I somehow need to hang onto me in all of this. The me I have striven so hard to form in my 40 years - not the me that this company thinks I should be.

And seriously - how do I not break down again with the convulsive, stifled, exorcism of emotion at work? This is gonna do me in. I am horrified. I am a really private and externally strong person - and if this continues it is gonna take me down.

 

[Marguerite]

medications can help. I've soldiered on without them because I can't tolerate them, but I've seen the help they can give when you need it. Sometimes the loop of the grief stages is just too overwhelming, you need some chemical help to be able to get a little bit of control back, so you can slowly get more control. You can't deal with grief properly when it's crippling you like this and escalating itself like this. You need to stop, get some balance back, and be able to go slowly with it, not have it all keep dumping on you in truckloads at a time.

Once you're dealing with the grief more manageably, then you can ease off the medications and back to something that is more normal.

Marg

 

[tryinghard]

Steely,

I agree with Marg. My doctor explained to me that in times of deep stress the body stops producing certain chemicals. Without these chemicals in balance the depression only worsen. My brother had an incident occur a few years ago that threw him in a horrible depression. He finally went and saw a doctor. After a few weeks he was functioning and sleeping through the night again. He said his only regret was waiting as long as he did to get help. AND this is from a guy that is totally against medicating!

As for work.....do they supply any type of counseling for their employees? I know the last two companies I worked for did and a lot of people used it. Have you thought about seeing a lawyer? There could be things that they are doing or saying that is inappropriate. If you catch it now, it could protect you later on.

Like most of us, we cannot just quit a job because we need the benefits and money! Maybe if you view this job as a short term thing it will help you get through the day? Go in everyday knowing that you will do you best, but leave it all at the door when you walk out! Detach the emotions from the job knowing that this is only a stepping stone to somewhere else and other job once you are ready to move on.

I have followed your posts about your sister but never posted because I was afraid I would not say the right thing. But I do want to tell you that I think you are a strong and wise woman.

 

[Steely]

Thank you TryingHard. I am glad you posted to. Never fear saying the wrong thing.

I will definitely be making a call and appointment to the doctor. I could not sleep all night - and I can see the chemicals in my brain getting more crazed as the days go on.

You, know, I might be trying to get a little more legally wise with this problem at work - because I know, for sure, that the Asst Mgmr is telling other managers things about me. Thanks for the good idea, one I had not thought of.

 

[Star*]

Steely,

I have been researching this for you - I think this site has some excellent and valid information. There is insight into what you are feeling.

It's OKAY to be Mad, Sad, Glad,and Bad - and all in the same time frame. Please check this out and look all over the site for additional affirmation to what you are feeling. It's normal. You are normal. Your feelings are NORMAL. Other than the - Buy my book - I think it's a very objective look at grief of a sibling. If you want the book let me know - If you think it will help I'll get it for you. Just know that you are loved and thought about every day.

You are never alone - Hugs & Love = Star
http://www.counselingstlouis.net/Four.html

 

[Shari]

Steely, from my experience, the strangest thing about grief for me was the absolute irrationality of when episodes like you experienced showed up. The days I dreaded - holidays with him, and most recently, the 1st anniversary of his passing - I dreaded. And most I got thru without even so much as crying.

However, I'll still be driving down the highway and all of a sudden I am pulled over and bawling. Or sitting at me desk at work, and the same thing happens. Its just overwhelming, and the inability to plan for it was more frustrating for me at first. When others said they experienced similar episodes, I didn't feel so "odd" anymore.

Sending many, many hugs.

 

[gcvmom]

I don't think you should be apologetic for having FEELINGS at all. Sometimes other people need to be reminded that we are all HUMAN, even if that means having to deal with an uncomfortable public display of emotion. Perhaps they will lighten up a little and cut you some slack. Sounds like they could all use a little sensitivity training!

Hang in there -- lots of hugs to you!