The air thick humid sky layered multi shades of gray, silver, black. Curtains of rain fell intermittently Soft then pelting heavy then not. The hours move quickly and all at once slowly as I peer into the abyss of what is, was and will be. Woven in between those layers clouded with grief shrouded painfully sewn stitches those memories embroidered upon my soul moments moments keep unraveling and the rain fell again to the rhythmic Clock ticking on the wall endless reminder that Time waits for no one marching on and on and on not caring how it is spent. I reach out in the night for you but there is only air heavy with sighs all at once empty yet full and past mixes with present and you are not. Words left unspoken engraved on my heart welling into muddied puddles of regret of what could have been. Should have been and The rain fell and fell and fell and falls then silence and the clock ticking and tocking mockingly. Time waits for no one know one. "Spend it well" the second hand said the one you thought would forever be there is gone in a second I thought you were here but you are not and the knot in my stomach tightens. Welling up to a choking lump in my throat and the cloud layers build again as I drift in between chasing moments that were and we're not and never will be. Yesterday I opened the mail, it was a note regarding health insurance, "So sorry for your loss" is the new normal.......glancing over the formalities of signing up for my son and I, hubs retirement insurance, thank God we are covered, sections of the application were pre filled out. Marital status........"single" is checked off. I burst into tears. Just like that. The last three weeks have been hectic with work and keeping busy and drifting off to troubled sleep woken up at 2:00 am each morning by a gentle touch on my arm or thigh to no one. It feels like I have been grieving forever over my two, and now this. I knew hubs was not quite himself, not feeling well. He had changed, agitated and angry, grumbling, grouchy. I knew. I knew something just was not right and he spoke over and again of early retirement and money worries, pinching pennies and buying time until his birthday in September. He spoke with the girls about camping and a trip to Hilo for the Merry Monarch hula festival next year. I didn't know about that till they mentioned it in the hospital waiting room when the air was heavy with the realization that this might be it, but we pushed it aside with wishes of hope and recovery and bringing him home. I didn't really believe it deep down inside. Then I didn't believe it as it was happening, it all went down so agonizingly slowly then quickly. I try to brush away the horrible memory of his last days. It is not with me always as I busy myself with necessities of life, but at times there are flashbacks. I was in the canoe, we go out to the ocean and the coach yells out "12 minute pieces!" I am thinking how out of shape I am and if I can go hard for that long. Drive my blade deep into the water, feel the muscle strain and work at regulating each breath. The exertion is good and I am in our element, salt water, ocean breeze and sea birds flying above. We go on and I am relieved when each 12 minute piece ends. We turn back for the docks and I am concentrating on correct breathing and finishing strong then all of a sudden I am thrown back into the hospital room and the terrified look on hubs face as he struggles to breathe hits me and my breathing becomes his breathing and I am choking and bewildered and overcome with emotion and the vivid imagery plays in my head like a horror film on a movie screen and I am silently screaming and I just have to get out of the canoe. Mercifully the coach pulls the canoes into the docks, not knowing what is happening to me and I hear myself tell him I have to go and he is mad because he has no idea and I push back the panic and tears as he tells me to hurry up and get out because he has no idea I am thrown back into time and I am struggling to get out, body worn and cramped and mind gone. Breathe. The day's slip by with life's necessities. I have been grieving for so long. Starting with the choices my two made and the realization there was nothing I could do to change their misdirection. And now this. Grief. I muster up the courage to go on. People ask us "How are you doing?" the answers don't come easy. Most times I shove the hurt down and put on a brave face, other times an uncontrolled recount spills out and I am reminded by the look in their eyes that they didn't really want to know that much of how I am doing, it was just a rote question, attached to a greeting. Others avoid me altogether and that is okay. One day at a time. We will get through this because we have to. Life is beautiful and fast and horrible and slow all at the same time. Grief. I wrestle it down and pin it to the ground defiantly, then it flips me over and laughs at me. Taunting me. It comes in many shades like the layers of clouds I saw yesterday on my way to work. Today is the last day before the summer and I will close up my office and write a list of things I need to get done at home. The clock ticks loudly reminding me that time waits for no one. Leaf.