Hardest day of my life

D.Chipps

New Member
Just stumbled upon this forum, decided to sign up and make my first post.
My daughter who is 18 with a baby, diagnosed with conduct disorder at 14 is currently homeless (as of 2 days ago), she is on a wait list for a teen homeless shelter in our area. She will not come home and has burnt many bridges with other who have tried to help. Currently my granddaughter is being cared for by her father, myself and my husband (long story).
Anyway I just helped my daughter get her belongings from the last friend who tried to help her, her stuff is now sitting at my house. She stayed to visit with her daughter for a few hours. I asked what her plan was for the evening and she said she was talking to friends to see where she could crash for a night or 2. Asked if I could take her downtown as she missed the last bus that goes by our house. I obliged.
I have never felt so empty or lost as I did dropping her off, knowing she has no clear plan, fearing she will not have a place to go. Yet i feel she needs to truly hit bottom before she can/ will get help.
Will this get easier, having an adult child who legally can do as they wish and not being able to save them?
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
It doesn't get easier in many ways because as a parent most of us aren't wired to completely shut our children as we would a negative toxic neighbor, friend or acquaintance. But I've learned the hard way that you can disengage emotionally and not be part of their drama and that does make it easier on some levels. You can't save your daughter, she's the only one that can do that. It's a shame that having a baby wasn't enough to wake her up to reality. I was older, in my early 30s, when I had my son. Before that I made some irresponsible decisions (never to the point of homelessness, though) and lived to hang out with my friends. Work was just something i did to pass the time until I could get to the party. Having my son and being a single mom forced me to grow up overnight. I gave up the partying, started making better choices, and never looked back.

You did the right thing in my opinion. Your daughter is so young, hopefully she can get things together sooner rather than later. All you can do is love her and help her when it's appropriate and won't enable her to continue as she is. Can she have the baby in the shelter with her? We have a couple of shelters for families only, one is an old motel that was turned into a shelter where each family gets its own room rather than a dorm-like situation.Your focus now has to be on yourself, your sanity, and your precious grandchild.
 

toughlovin

Well-Known Member
I would say yes and no. The no part relates to them...they may or may not get it together and improve their life. My son is 26 and still a mess. We have done what we can to help him and he has reached a new bottom several times. I am not sure at this point that he will survive or ever do what he needs to do.

The yes part is that if you take care of yourself, get support you can learn to cope with the heartache and to really live your life. In the beginning of this crazy journey that felt impossible to me but in fact I have a good life with a lot of good things in it. I am sad about where my son is at and I do worry about him but it no longer rules my life.

So take care of yourself do things you love. And find good sources of support.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hello D and welcome to our little corner. I am so sorry for your need to be here, but glad you found us. How difficult this is with a grand baby involved. I have three grands from one of my wayward daughters. It is tough to see them go through this, too. It puts an extra hurt to it all.
She will not come home and has burnt many bridges with others who have tried to help.
I am sorry, this is difficult to stand by and watch unfold. Many of us have found that by housing our wayward adult children, they do not grow, and regress further into whatever it is they are in to. As hard as it is, you are doing the right thing by standing your ground.
Anyway I just helped my daughter get her belongings from the last friend who tried to help her, her stuff is now sitting at my house.
I could wear the t-shirt for this one. Except, that many times, when my two were in dire straights, we ended up allowing them to come back to try to help them get on their feet. Rearranged house and home, only to have them continue as is and end up stealing from us, and everything else that comes with a drugging, partying mind frame. It took some time for us to realize what was going on, and to change our direction.
I asked what her plan was for the evening and she said she was talking to friends to see where she could crash for a night or 2. Asked if I could take her downtown as she missed the last bus that goes by our house. I obliged.
Couch surfing, sigh. I don't know how many bridges my two have burned. I imagine a lot.This is hard stuff, D, but you are absolutely doing the right thing in allowing your daughter to live with the consequences of her choices.
I have never felt so empty or lost as I did dropping her off, knowing she has no clear plan, fearing she will not have a place to go. Yet i feel she needs to truly hit bottom before she can/ will get help.
Although this is so difficult to witness, you sound strong and clear with your boundaries. It is a heart wrenching thing to see our adult children flounder, for sure.
Will this get easier, having an adult child who legally can do as they wish and not being able to save them?
I feel that the more we tried to rescue our two, the more they were able to "party". There is a great article on detachment here:
http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD
It helps to reaffirm decisions to keep strong boundaries, as painful as it is. Posting here helps, it is a comfort to know we are not alone on this journey. I am guessing your daughter is abusing substances? If so, reading up on addiction helps, building up your toolbox to handle whatever come what may. If you have belief in a higher power, prayer helps, if not, meditation.
You are correct that we are not able to save them. They will do as they please.
We have no control over another adult, especially our own. My two tried everything under the sun, to keep me enmeshed, feeling guilty and desperate. When I would not cave, they went no contact.
I am shocked at how my two live, to continue their lifestyle. Homeless, living in a park. One recently incarcerated. They have gone way beyond my vision of rock bottom. This is not how I imagined they would be living, but it is what it is. Accepting that is the work I have cut out for me, for my own sanity.
This is not on my timeline, it is on theirs.
They have their path, and I have my own.
I have found that being mindful of my own self care is imperative to walking this journey. It is so easy to get caught up and entangled in the choices our beloveds make, and the consequences, synchronistically emotionally and physically floundering in our own way, along with them.
What we wish for them, is to make better choices, think about their future, take good care of their health and over all wellbeing.
Self care.
Many have written here, and I felt the same at one point, that it was impossible to find peace and joy, while our kids are out there suffering. There is no sacrifice we can make of our own lives, that will change things for our adult children. They will continue to choose as they do. Many a sleepless night I have spent, over the drama and chaos surrounding my two, and it was just another Tuesday for them. I have gone through many a heart wrenching ordeal, felt dismayed and desperate, suffered anxiety, shortness of breath and heart palpitations. I was living on edge. Functioning, but the sadness of it all had it's grip on me.
So, I decided to grab my life back.
It is way too much for me to handle alone.
I gave my two back to God, feeling they were just on loan to me as I raised them.
Then, I worked at being the change I wish to see in my two.
That takes constant effort, and mindfulness. Prayer, daily walks and exercise, really helps. Working in my garden, volunteering, setting goals, getting out on the water, finding joy in each day, understanding life is short, counting my blessings and trying as much as I am able to live the best rest of my life.
That is what I have control over.
Yes, I do have my ups and downs, but I am getting better at staying away from the edge of the "rabbit hole", rather than diving head first into it.
It has been a long time for me, dealing with this.
It is not to say it will be the same for you and your daughter. By your setting and keeping to strong boundaries, hopefully, this will help her to see that she is the captain of her own ship, and that there is a way to steer away from the storms she creates for herself.
In the meantime, be a good captain of your ship. It makes no sense for us to follow our beloveds into the storm and become shipwrecked over their choosing. Continue to fortify yourself and prepare your ship for the journey. Work hard and be diligent towards your own well being and self care. This is not selfish, it is what we want most for our wayward adult children. Be the change, you wish for your daughter.
If you find yourself floundering, get help. It is a grieving we go through, recognizing this and being mindful of our own feelings, ups and downs, is so very important. Take time for yourself. Be kind to yourself and vigilant towards self care.
Most of all, know that you are not alone. There are many here who have sailed this journey. We go through stormy seas, and help one another through rough patches.
While I have been through this for many years now, I still hold out hope that my two will one day find their true potential. I just know that it is not up to me to change their course, it is up to them. In the meantime, I try my best to steer clear of holding out any expectations. Life just.....happens.
I am glad you have found us, but sorry for your need to be here. You have come to a good place where there is support and comfort, strength, advice and encouragement. None of us are counselors or experts, just ordinary folks who have worked hard to survive some difficult circumstances.
I don't want to just survive. I want to thrive.
Life is too short to live on the edge of my twos choices.
Painful it is, but there are ways to steer through it.
You can do this.
We can do this.
Welcome, D. You are not alone.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy
 

D.Chipps

New Member
Thank you all for your wisdom and support. This was easier when she was still a juvenile and we had the help from the courts and she had to attend therapy sessions.
Only drugs she partakes in is smoking marijuana as it helps her deal with depression and sleep. Another reason she wont live with us as we dont condone her use, have tried steering her towards a hemp based CBD oil with no THC. While I believe in the benefits, our state gives felonies to minors in possession (legal 21 and up though).
I will stick to my boundries and focus my energies to my granddaughter, teaching her empathy and praying that she will not possess her mothers mental health issues.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
I’m not in the best mood to reply to this today.
But yes and no sounds about right.
We try to be available with reference to medical attention/care if needed.
Boundaries are vitally important.
Get good support for yourself...here, therapy, families anonymous etc.
 

PrayForUs

New Member
I gave my two back to God, feeling they were just on loan to me as I raised them.

I have been trying to hold to this perspective, too. But can I ask you... how do you respond to / quiet that voice in your head that says “God blessed you with these amazing gifts loaded with promise & potential and look what you have let them become???”

The guilt and the blame and the shame that I feel... these are the things that paralyze me and throw me back into despair.

Even my youngest (17yo) asks me from time to time, looks at his brothers and says “why am I so different? How did they go so wrong?” And I don’t have a clue how to answer him.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
But can I ask you... how do you respond to / quiet that voice in your head that says “God blessed you with these amazing gifts loaded with promise & potential and look what you have let them become???”
Look at Adam and Eve, created by God, fallen from grace so quickly. They had everything they needed, paradise, but wanted more.
It’s called free will.
You and I do not have power and control over the choices our adult children make. We did not cause their issues and consequences, can’t control it, or fix it.
They have to want better for themselves.
The guilt, blame and shame is part of the grieving process we go through. Reeling the tapes of what we might have done, or not done in raising them. Feeling guilty that they are struggling, while we are comfortable in our homes.
The truth is, there is no such thing as a perfect parent, we did the best job we could.
Be it mental health issues, or addiction, our adult children have to learn to care for themselves, to make the right choices.
If we are always there to rescue them from the consequences of their choices, they will not learn to choose better. We will not be around forever to clean up their mess.
I have a 17 year old too. He asks the same of his two sisters. What happened?
Kids grow up and choose their own lifestyles. They have their own distinct personalities. We give them as much as we can to set a good foundation.
The rest is up to them.
I believe that all we taught them is locked deep down inside, it is there. It is up to them to see the value of it.
How well I know the despair you write of. It becomes overwhelming and yes, paralyzing. I am so sorry for the ache of it. I have to work hard at not allowing that despair to envelop my life. It became more of a priority when my husband passed. I had no choice, but to pick myself up, tighten the bootstraps and soldier on. At first, it was my son who I focused on, he helped me to see that we had spent so much precious time trying to rescue his sisters, and they did not want to change.
So, I had to change.
Despair is a terrible place to be. It can weigh you down heavily. I found it hard to breath at times, so utterly saddened, just functioning and exhausted.
When our adult children make choices and drift into darkness, go wayward and homeless, it is a grief like no other. Grieving the loss of a loved one in death is different, there is a finality to it, they have gone to meet their maker. Oh yes, the grief and loss is there, but there is no bringing them back. We learn to swallow it and live with the fond memory of them. When we grieve the lifestyles of our beloved ill adult children, it is ongoing, open ended, so many unanswered questions, where are they sleeping, are they eating, how are they surviving? What could I have done differently? How can I sleep in my bed, knowing they are out there, struggling? Am I unkind and heartless, allowing this to happen?
The list goes on and on.
For me, it is a daily task processing this grief. Some days are better than others, but I feel that I have to make the most of my life. What drives me, is believing whole heartedly that as a parent, I am their first mentor. If I allow myself to flounder along with their choices, I am not leading by example. When I feel weary and guilty, I borrow from my Dads strength, he would not allow any of us to disrespect him, or my mom. Or his home. He was a tough, old fashioned, stoic, east coast man. His favorite saying “It is what it is.”
I find respite in quotes, music, activities, and most of all, prayer.
When I feel my heart drifting towards despair over my two, I pray. I pray for them to rise above and seek their true potential.
I post here as well, finding solace in the support, encouragement and advice of the kind folks here, traveling similar paths.
It is not an easy thing, living with two wayward adult daughters. The ache of it is ever present. I have often wondered if there are some mental health issues, underneath the addiction. Our challenges began with them around 12. Stubborn and headstrong. Dabbling with pot. Rebellious.
For sure, there are big issues mentally and physically now with meth use.
What can I do? I can’t fix it. I can’t have them live with me and basically fund their substance abuse. They have been abusive and disrespectful. Denied their substance use, stolen from us. They roll their eyes at suggestions of rehab.
So, back to, it is what it is.
And prayer, lots of it. And self care, trying to move forward, trudging along working as hard as I can to fortify myself against the storms of it.
How do I respond to that ever present voice in my head?
It takes constant work. Coming to a place of acceptance that I have no power over their choices. Feeling blessed for what I do have, my health, a roof over my head and well children, grandchildren.
Life.
Believing that if I ask in faith that they find their way, it will happen. Knowing that it is not on my time frame, but theirs. Giving in to any notion that I can fix them.
Not giving up, giving in.
Where there is life, there is hope, but I learn to hope without expectations.
Sometimes, it is one day, one foot in front the other, one breath at a time.
And the effort is all worth it.

Life is hard, but it is precious and short. There are no guarantees. It is up to us to live it as best as we can.
That voice in our heads is wrong.
“Look what you have let them become.”
Uh, no. Tell that voice that you have no control over another’s choices. Tell that voice that you did the best job you could, loved your daughter, and will always. Even as you watch her make mistakes.
Letting her learn from her choices and consequences, is love.
Love says no. No you will not disrespect my rules. No, you will not walk all over me.
Self love says no to that voice that creeps into our heads.
No, it is not my doing.
It is not under my control.
What you can control, is how you move forward with this.
You are stronger than you think.
And you are not alone.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
 

toughlovin

Well-Known Member
Every now and then I go into the what if I only.... that magical negative thinking that somehow if I had done something differently my son would be ok and would be a healthy producrive member of society. I am really mot sure if any of those things woukd have made a difference. What i do know is that I have always loved him, the decisions I made came from love even if they were mistakes. I did absolutely the best I could at the time. Would I like a do over given what I know now? Sure but thats not an option. So when I start going down that road I remind myself of this and also say to muself the past is the past and rehashing all of this does not help me. At this point as an adult it is up to him!
 

D.Chipps

New Member
I've raised all my children to be independent, the one in topic is my youngest and only one struggling. I knew one day my kids wouldn't need me anymore and I'm okay with that (for the most part). She sent me a text this morning wanting to use our shower, told her not today as I'm working. She can come tomorrow. Part of me says she chose this, being without a home means sacrificing showers but I also feel that it's one way she is allowing me to help. If it's one way to show I still care, still love her I'll wash her feet (let her shower).
 

CareTooMuch

Active Member
Every now and then I go into the what if I only.... that magical negative thinking that somehow if I had done something differently my son would be ok and would be a healthy producrive member of society. I am really mot sure if any of those things woukd have made a difference. What i do know is that I have always loved him, the decisions I made came from love even if they were mistakes. I did absolutely the best I could at the time. Would I like a do over given what I know now? Sure but thats not an option. So when I start going down that road I remind myself of this and also say to muself the past is the past and rehashing all of this does not help me. At this point as an adult it is up to him!
Such very true words. I absolutely feel the same way and will not dwell on what I could of/should have done in the past. I did my best with what I knew and always made decisions from the heart and out of love for younger DS. Apparently though, my parents, who we have been extremely close to were quietly judgemental and when all heck broke loose with DS a few weeks ago decided that we would no longer have a relationship. I think they blame my husband and me on the choices our now 20 year old has made the past year We're sad and dumbfounded but we all do the best with the information we know at the time.
 

PrayForUs

New Member
Thank you, Leafy, again for your kindness and your wisdom. I know all these things are true, I do. I only wish I could believe it with the kind of conviction you have.
I imagine that the path I am on will eventually lead me there, but the reality is there will be much more pain, disappointment, anger, betrayal... along it, before I get “there”.
So, I’ll pray.
For me.
And I’ll pray for you, too.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi PFU, You're very kind.
Thank you, Leafy, again for your kindness and your wisdom. I know all these things are true, I do. I only wish I could believe it with the kind of conviction you have.
I imagine that the path I am on will eventually lead me there, but the reality is there will be much more pain, disappointment, anger, betrayal... along it, before I get “there”.
So, I’ll pray.
For me.
And I’ll pray for you, too.
Oh thank you, prayers are so powerful. I have a confession, I am not always full of conviction, I struggle with my thoughts and anxiousness, pain, everything you write of. I don’t think we would be human if we didn’t.
D.Chipps I hope you are doing okay. Did your daughter come over and shower? My Rain used to come over and shower and have a bite to eat. I think it is a loving thing to allow. It is hard when they are homeless and drifting.
I have not seen her for awhile. I hope she is okay.
Hugs to you both.
Leafy
 
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