He gave in!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Jan 30, 2009.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Last night at the therapy session, Dr. R told me to sit down with-husband and difficult child, and spread all the panties out on the table, and sit there with-difficult child staring at them all until he gives in and tells us where this batch came from.
    He said it would take us a while ... several 1/2 hrs sessions, several nights in a row.

    It only took one.

    We told him that he was grounded off of electronics, although he could watch wrestling if he told us where the panties came from. We also said it would hasten easy child's return home if he told us, since she moved out because she was freaked out about the panty issue, among other things.

    We started picking up the panties and making comments like, "This one looks like a mom's ... larger ... these look like a teenager girl's ... they have brighter colors and they're smaller ...
    What about H's house? Or D's house?

    Then we'd be silent for a while.

    Then we'd start up again.

    difficult child played with-the hair over his forehead. He tugged at it. As the clock ticked, he started pulling his hair so hard, I thought he'd tear it out by the roots.

    Then he started chewing on his knuckles.

    ... harder, until I thought he'd draw blood.

    I asked him another question, now I can't recall what it was ... and husband asked something ... I promised I wouldn't yell at him, no matter what he said. But I'd probably cry. difficult child said, "Wait a minute."

    He bit his knuckle even harder. The tips of his ears turned bright red.

    ... and he told us the name of someone completely different.

    All of a sudden, all the pcs fell into place. Why he suddenly stopped playing with-a certain friend. Why he got mad at me if I even said the friend's name.

    I suggested that maybe we could take his friend to a movie. And we would never tell the friend about his sister's stuff. And we could throw it away.

    difficult child didn't want to have anything to do with-that friend. Never wanted to see him, never wanted to go over there again. Clearly, there was some shame involved. It was just no fun any more.

    So we had difficult child bag everything and throw it in the trash. (I'm going to remove it and dispose of it elsewhere just in case he's tempted to retrieve it, however unlikely.)

    I feel like a 20,000 lb wt has been lifted off my shoulders.

    I don't know if difficult child just hated sitting there with-us staring at him and the panties. Or if he wanted to watch wrestling on TV so much, he had to tell us. Or if he felt guilty. Or a combination of all three. I have no idea how his mind works.

    All I know is that I am relieved.
  2. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Whew! That must have been very difficult ~ for ALL of you! I'm glad you at least feel some relief.
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    that must of been so difficult. I'm glad he finally spilled, i'm glad you feel relief. I'm glad you and husband worked so well together to get to the end result together with this.

    you've had it rough lately sending you hugs.
  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Well I hope it got through to him, hopefully he really gets it this time.
    What a stressful meeting but a good outcome.
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    He was definitely feeling something over this that was enough to turn his ears red! I'm betting there's some shame... maybe even a twinge of remorse. I'm so glad for you that this wasn't drawn out over a week or more. I think it's a good sign he has copped to it sooner this time. And I hope there a no more next times!
  6. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Good job getting a step forward into the where...but still the what what what part is where maybe time will alow some actual emotional relief for the boy.
    Maybe get some guy time between husband and difficult child to open a dialogue about the underlining issue here...because one way or another it is THAT ToPIC.
    the best way is acceptance and humor about how interesting to boys THAT TOPIC is.
    THAT Topic makes all our ears blush.

    How difficult it is especially when we are young and really how weird is it? One day we are just kids and then suddenly we are all to sexy for our ears...
    Good job Mom and Dad.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.

    Maybe get some guy time between husband and difficult child to open a dialogue about the underlining issue here...because one way or another it is THAT ToPIC.
    the best way is acceptance and humor about how interesting to boys THAT TOPIC is.
    THAT Topic makes all our ears blush.

    Good point. I will encourage husband.

    I have no idea why I'm awake at 3 a.m. I guess I'm used to policing difficult child at this time. He is sound asleep. :)
  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry, I'm sure his feelings were combination of all those with embarrasment, shame, and helplessness thrown in. I can't help but think he's being "driven" and must work hard to override.

    Glad this session worked out and you have some relief!

  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you.
    We need to help him figure out why he is driven to do that. Otherwise, he won't recognize the impulse and will do it again.
    The next 2 appts are just husband and difficult child with-the counselor.

    Oh, now I remember what I said to difficult child just b4 he told us. I said, "Do you want me to leave?"
    That's when he said, "What a minute."
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    So glad you got some answers! Hopefully his next few counseling appts will be productive.
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Glad he told and I hope the therapy appts. work well with husband. Hugs.
  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Sounds like some definitive progress.

    Was he admitting to all of the panties he has taken over the last year, or just to a recent episode?

    Hugs, girl. I hope you do not have to have anymore 3am vigilante house monitoring - I hope you can just try & rest.:peaceful:
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I think confession is good for the soul. Going to a Catholic school we had to go to confession and communion once a week and I would toss and turn the night before trying to build up my nerve to tell the priest that I had told a lie or whatever. It was like a huge weight off my shoulders once I had it behind me and felt "good" again. I can only imagine how something a little bizarre probably has eaten away at difficult child. Living in fear of discovery must be awful. Big step forward for the family. Hugs. DDD
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.

    This was just the recent group of panties. He already told us where the first batch came from, and that was correct, because the neighbor lady validated that they were hers.
    In this case, we are not going to pursue whether they are the "new" person's panties. We're taking his word for it. He has already "grounded" himself away from another friend's house, and the sister is away at school.

    We've got to figure out whether this is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and just coincidentally fixated on panties, whether it's a true sexual obsession, a fetish, or what.

    My husband said it was just the first layer of the onion.
  15. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Ugh. I hope not.
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I've been reading one of Temple Grandin's books ... in a sense, it makes me feel better, because she does mention Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and perseverance ... but still ...
  17. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Must of been a very tense session. Glad it is out now. Really happy it had a good outcome. Way to hang in there.
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    It wasn't that bad, considering some of the sessions we've had. :)

    easy child has been talking to a counselor at school and they are concocting all sorts of armchair quarterback dxes. easy child is scaring me, acting like difficult child is schizoaffective. I'm going to show her a bit of "textbook" diagnosis so she can see the diff. And I think she should read several of the books I have. And quit playing games with-that counselor. It's one thing to vent and share, and another to guess and scare. (Hey, it rhymes!)
  19. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member


    From your post ' promised I wouldn't yell at him, no matter what he said. But I'd probably cry. difficult child said, "Wait a minute."

    When we say to kids , there is no blaming , yelling, punishing or consequences , we just want to hear what happened and help you make amends , kids will trust you , that you are there to help them when they have screwed up.

    It is all about trust and relationship. I don't think he gave in , but you mad but you made
    it safe for him to tell the truth

  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    We made it safe, but we also made it clear that there was no getting away from the issue. We stood firm, but gentle.