He is OUT

[recoveringenabler]

I have been conditioned by my past experiences to believe that it is my duty to selflessly do everything and anything in order to 'help' my children up to and including sacrificing my own well-being. That's what 'good' parents do. The fact that these well meaning entities had no solutions for the problem were, in their minds, simply proof that I was the cause and therefor I must then find the solution/cure. I feel like a coward because broken down to into its basest factor........I simply cannot deal with my son anymore.

Pasa, I would venture to guess that most of us here could say that exact same thing...........certainly I could.......each one of us can only do what we think is right in any given moment.......and when we know better, we do better. I am in my 60's too and that self sacrifice was a cultural, gender," mother" expectation many of us suffered under..........like you, I had to learn a different way to respond........and we did.....those years of "unbroken peace" gave you a reality check on what could be your experience and you are implementing that truth now. That is not cowardice, that is reality, that is recognizing our powerlessness in a situation we cannot control, or change. You did the best you could and now it is time to let go. There is no blame there. There is wisdom in knowing what we can change and knowing what we cannot change, as the serenity prayer states. You did the best you could, as we all have.........and now you are here.....acceptance of what is. A bitter pill to swallow sometimes...... reality.

 

[Copabanana]

PASA,

Your son has strengths from what I can see. He knows right from wrong. He has a sense of honor. He responds to the hurt of other people and wants to protect them. He has a strong will and will prevail. No matter what.

All of that came from you and your love for him. It could be so, so much worse.

As mothers alone we had to pick our battles. No one person could have done it all. That you are clear about. The thing is you are still holding yourself responsible at an emotional level.

The next important thing is forgiveness. For yourself.

Your son is a work in progress. The likely outcome is he will be confined again. I hope that is what happens. (But then, that is what I wanted for my own son, so that he would learn.)

I know in Texas the prisons are bad. But prisoners are the same everywhere. They will teach your son how to be a man. The prisoners call it "schooling."

This time he will not be the biggest kid.There are always bigger and smarter and meaner people. He needs to learn self control. He will learn that he cannot be a bully. He will learn respect.

Everybody has a life path. A mother can only take a son so far. You and I must learn to be OK with that.

The important next step for you...is to accept that you were a responsible and good enough mother in a difficult situation. Give yourself that PASA.

I for one am optimistic. How many kids, even with superior intelligence, and two parents do not have the strengths of your son?

Let us see how he does. There is nothing yet written here.

Now it is your turn, PASA. How will you write the rest of your life? It is starting now.

COPA

 

[Tanya M]

In some ways what people are calling a "strong resolve" feels like cowardness on my end.

I feel like a coward because broken down to into its basest factor........I simply cannot deal with my son anymore. I can't deal with the threats, real or manipulative, overt or implied, his non-ending neediness, his lack of respect for me, always being on the verge of bankruptcy due to the never ending medical bills, always having to forgo my own health for lack of funds, and never having a moment of peace unless he is in a mental hospital or locked up. Two and a half years, minus a month or two, of unbroken peace, has not made me more capable of dealing with him. It has in fact made me unwilling to live that way ever again.

Oh Pasa, I do not think it makes you a coward at all. A coward would have given up at the very first sign of trouble, you did not do that. You have endured the pain, the threats, the manipulation for years. You have done everything you could to try and help your son and that my friend takes great strength and courage.
You being unwilling to live that way ever again makes you not only strong but smart.

When I would start having those feelings of "but I'm his mother, I should do more" I had to remind myself of a couple of things.
1. I have already done everything I could for him multiple times and he continually chose to keep drinking, drugging, stealing, etc.......
2. If someone other than my son treated me the way he does I would under no circumstances put up with it.

Pasa, you deserve to live your life for yourself.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Pasa, where you find yourself now may be the darkest hour, that moment in this crazy process where we truly get that there is no more we can do.

It was at that moment in my own journey in letting go of my daughter, when she was at her lowest point, that I surrendered that tight hold on control and........well, let go. Let go of thinking there was anything I could do........that sense of powerlessness and lack of control is overwhelming........we humans just don't let go of control easily at all.........in particular where our precious children are concerned.

And yet..........surrendering to 'what is' brings that elusive and hard won acceptance of the reality we face, ugly as it might be. Hang in there Pasa, this is likely a turning point for you.....out of this darkness comes a sliver of light.......which will grow larger........

What helped me was to place my daughter in the hands of my perception of a Higher Power.......

 

[pasajes4]

this is likely a turning point for you.....out of this darkness comes a sliver of light.......which will grow larger........

Amen

 

[InsaneCdn]

Two and a half years, minus a month or two, of unbroken peace, has not made me more capable of dealing with him. It has in fact made me unwilling to live that way ever again.

Yes.
And if you were dealing with an aged parent with Alzheimer's, the gap would be called "respite", and often, the caregiver is unable to return to giving care... the system has to take over. The system understands this for Alzheimer's, but not for complex mental health conditions.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Pasa, I feel exactly the same way. It took me 9 years... it is not cowardice. It us our physical bodies saying, "Keep us safe from harm. Keep us safe from 24/7 stress that is literally killing us! No more!" Do you know that they have done studies on parents that have mentally ill violent children? There cortisol levels stay high all day. Most people...wake up with low levels each day. Not us! We start high and continue at very high levels that are dangerous to our health ALL day EVERYDAY! My body is falling apart because of stress. Higher levels of cortisol is literally taking away years of our life. We are actually sacrificing our lives for our sons and not just time and money...

You need to do something each and every day for you...to relax and nuture you.

I found, when I was hiding out in a hotel from my son until I could get a restraining order with a move out order in place that I was so very scared. My logical mind knew that he did not know what hotel I was in...yet my physical body was petrified.

I know exactly how you feel..all of the memories and threats come rolling back.

One night I was in my hotel room alone all night. My youngest son was staying at a friend's house. He told me....in a very loving way...that I was perseverating too much about my ill son and that he needed a break. I was alone in a new hotel room. I was watching t.v. and got up to use the restroom at about midnight. I glanced in the large mirror...and I saw what looked like my son running towards me!!! I totally freaked out. It was the reflection if the big screened t.v. in the mirror. A tall man with dark hair, like my son...was running to the left. I was hyper - ventilating and I turned on EVERY light in the room until daybreak. I did not go to sleep until the sun came up.

I stopped drinking coffee and tried to do fun things for myself. I did not feel like doing it...but I forced myself. Buy yourself a new nightgown, lotion, or purse...shopping therapy! Walk in a park. Try to breathe slowly.

Also, I only watched light-hearted comedies or romantic shows on t.v. No murder mysteries for me!!!

Surround yourself with friends that know about your son. I have only 2 that know.

I called NAMI frequently to talk on the phone to get a calm voice telling me that things were going to work out.

The unknown is what kills you. Just know that you did everything right and that it is out of your hands now.

Stay safe. Park with other cars. Carry mace. Keep your phone charged. Do not go to your normal "haunts" that he would know about...such as Starbucks etc.....you don't want to run into him.

Stay safe...my dear friend. We are warriors and STRONG.

My thoughts are always...what would my son...before he was ill want for me? He would want me to be safe. He would not want to hurt me. You don't want him feeling horrible for the rest of his life knowing that he hurt you when he is on medications and better.

Stay safe. Our thoughts and prayers....and STRENGTH are with you!

 

[Nancy]

It is hard to think we shouldn't sacrifice everything even our very lives for our children. I have no problem doing that as long as they are not making the kind of choices that put them at risk. You deserve a life pasajes, you do not have to accept his bad behavior just because you are his mother. The guilt we put on ourselves is overwhelming at times. It took me a long time to understand that.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Pasa,

 

[haunter]

Dear, Pasa

I hope everything has being go well for you and you've had no encounters with trouble and all is going perfectly fine.