Heartbroken over lost dreams

[buddy]

It is a little bit about adoption in my humble opinion. During those times when the sadness of our situations comes to the surface, I think the other parenting losses mix in. If you're someone who adopted after the loss of a dream for having a biological child it does compound things. Not that adoption is less than, but that there was grief over the whole pregnancy-birth-bio child dream. I think feeling loss of hopes or dreams or even goals triggers all of it sometimes. It's not that I don't value and adore my son as he is, just that it really feels sad some days.
Even reading these posts saying what new goals and dreams families have, I get sad. I don't even know if Q will be happy and a good person no matter what level of life he achieves. And when it's hard, I do dream of having another child, not to replace this experience, because I wouldn't trade q for anything, but to have that parenting experience with a few more of the things I love about caring for kids. Hand holdind, reading stories, cuddling, fixing boo boos ...all things q rarely allowed me to do. (I have helped raise kids since age 11 so know I love those things).

 

[SuZir]

I'm sorry for your sadness and understand it well. And I'm sure adoption throws another twist into it.

I understand what you mean by missing not having a kid with higher IQ. My difficult child is not handsome or charming or likeable or warm and may not even end up to be a particularly good person. One of the very few things he has going for him is his intelligence. That and his talent in sport. And I'm embarrassed how relieved I'm that at least he has high IQ. If you would ask me, I would tell you like MWM that I appreciate other things much more than intellectual capacity. But deep inside of me there is a part that knows that even if I got to choose to trade my difficult child's intellect to social skills, charm, being a good friend and person; I just wouldn't do it. Even though I know that kind of change would probably make him much happier person. And even though he isn't currently planning to use his brains into anything but tries to make it with other talents.

With easy child I got extremely lucky. I got it all. While he may not have quite the same raw intellectual power than difficult child he is smart and he knows how to use that much better than difficult child. And he is a very wholesome boy. So I totally lucked out.

 

[DaisyFace]

JJJ--

(((Hugs)))

I've been going through some of the same emotions lately - please know you are not alone.

And yes - the high IQ thing. School was always a priority for me, too. My friends and I were the "gifted and talented" group...top of our class...always having academic opportunities that the 'regular' students didn't get. And on some level...I really did think that "nurture" had a lot to do with it. I thought that if a child was given books and exposed to science and math and culture at an early age that it would...I don't know...make them smart. I looked forward to sharing all of those things with my children....and hopefully, cheering them on to high achievement.

I was also prepared for the idea that my children would NOT have high IQs. I actually had to write a paper in college about the "disappointment" of having a child with a low-to-average IQ - can you believe that? My belief then, as now, is that a high IQ is not the end-all-be-all....and that a child with a low IQ has just as much to offer the world as anyone else. I was sure that a child of any intelligence would surprise and delight their parents in any number of ways - even if their academic performance was below the average.

And then, enter my daughter....

All those things I thought I would share with her.... All those things I thought I could teach her.... All the visions of watching her make new discoveries... All the hope of sharing in a young child's sense of wonder... just gone.

Each new toy....each new experience....each new opportunity - anger, rage, screaming, crying. Every toy I picked out so carefully met with anger (even as a very small toddler!) and every toy smashed to bits. Same with every book....every picture. Clothing, bedding, furniture, wallpaper - not appreciated, not delighted at, not looked at with wonder and excitement.....but as an object to be hated, and destroyed. No hugs for Mommy....no "I love you, Mommy" - just anger, and crying, and horrible words about how much I was hated.

I envied everyone. I envied them their children who would run to them with excitement: Look what I made! Look what I did! For years, my dream was to have a child who would want to share those things with me...

And now, finally, after all these years - my daughter is talking to me. Not yelling, not screaming, not spewing hatred - actually talking. And she's telling me: Look what I did! Look what I made!

And this has been breaking my heart even more than I imagined - because all those things she "did" and "made" and "achieved" are not real....it's all just a bunch of stories from her own reality. And I wanted so badly for it to be true! Something - give me something that I can celebrate with you! I don't care what it is - just let it be real and true and something you did...and not a borrowed story from somebody else's child....

but maybe, even that small wish is just too much to ask.

I hear you, JJJ - and I mourn those lost wishes, too.

(((Hugs)))

 

[recoveringenabler]

In my story there is the irony of having a biological daughter with an extremely high IQ, who mastered everything in school, was an honors student with no effort at all, found school boring because she was often smarter then the teacher. Like others in my family, she had all the brain power necessary to breeze through school but lost out on other abilities which have made life so difficult for her. I'm a sensitive, nurturing woman with great empathy and my daughter has none of those traits, it's as if she were designed to be the polar opposite of me in every single way. The connections I wanted to have with her, the emotional bonds between a mother and a daughter, the closeness, those intimate shared moments all but stopped when she was about 20 years old and some kind of mental disorder, or something, began taking her away. She is an enigma to me and as time has gone by, all I can do is learn to accept what is and grieve all the losses along the way, let go of my perceptions of the way I wanted it to be and in almost every way, let go of her.

I really understand the disappointment many of us feel about how reality does not match the way we pictured parenting. It's hard. My daughter is crushed by her feelings that I am never proud of her, I'm caught in the middle of wanting so much to be proud of her and yet, she has done so many hurtful things to her own daughter and to me, has made such poor choices, refuses to get help, holds onto her perceptions as right when all evidence points to the opposite, maintains her right to continue down the path she's on even as she is literally penniless, homeless, friendless and on the brink of disaster constantly. To maintain my own sanity, I've had to detach and accept. For me, the process of detachment is very much like the 5 stages of dying/grief,..... denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance....... I think I've rolled around those 5 feelings for quite awhile, as I believe many of us here do.

I think many of us face these heart wrenching feelings with kids who are challenging and different, for whatever reasons. The learning to let go of our expectations, our dreams, our perceptions, our disappointments, our resentments, our angers, our suffering over what could have been and facing and accepting what is, is a monumental task. And, we're all doing it, one step at at time...............

 

[buddy]

Your post isn't offensive mwm, it's where you are and it's a great perspective. But human feelings being what they are, it's normal to grieve the loss of dreams. I have 100% confidence that those of us here, fighting for our kids, loving them intensely, will be happy for them to be whatever they end up being if it is healthy and happy. But life is a process and it is actually healthy to my way of seeing things, to acknowledge our dreams and how they need to change, sadness, anger, all of that is part of grieving. Sometimes it feels just as normal to me to have this isolated kind of patenting experience, living moment by moment hoping for and celebrating our victories. But there are times I really need to process how differently things have turned out.
None of it means I don't accept my son for who he is. As jjj and so many others have said, it's about our own issues and attitudes. Not a reflection of our love or even a true desire to change who our kids are(change some choices they make? Yeah we all have those desires!!)

 

[InsaneCdn]

Mental illness, to me, WOULD represent some sort of "lost dream", because too often it means "lost hope". It has to be one of the toughest things to deal with. There is no "normal". Developmental issues, IQ issues... there is a "normal" and you can work with it. MI generates so much volatility, and a disconnect with reality... how do you build anything "normal" at all? I really feel for parents who have to deal with this.

Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) would probably be related... an injury or illness that destroys part of the brain can bring the same sorts of unpredictability, volatility...

 

[DDD]

Even with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) (and gratefulness that he survived and appears normal) you still have times when you just mourn what used to be and even more what could have been. DDD

 

[JJJ]

And it is salt in the wound to watch nieces and nephews succeed in school and in life almost effortlessly, to see your sisters live your dream without the slightest comprehension of how truly lucky they are.

 

[buddy]

And it is salt in the wound to watch nieces and nephews succeed in school and in life almost effortlessly, to see your sisters live your dream without the slightest comprehension of how truly lucky they are.

such big hugs......

 

[DaisyFace]

And I think the hurt, if we get down to it....is not really about success, or IQ, or some kind of achievement...

The hurt is that we didn't we get to share in those experiences. We didn't get to do all those think we think of as 'typical childhood' with our children. The endless practicing for a recital and then the "big show"....finally scoring a point for the team...having their name called at the awards ceremony...earning the badge...mastering a skill...memorizing their lines...

and then the social things - first sleepover, first birthday party, first dance, first date, first kiss...

So many things that difficult children and their parents miss out on. :-(

 

[Calamity Jane]

That's why I love this board. No one else would understand the things we can comfortably say to each other here. (((Group Hug)))

 

[Malika]

Before I adopted my difficult child, I had suffered shattered dreams of losing babies. J could not replace them and I find now that I have no particular dreams... He seems to me fine as he is. I pray only for more compassion and ability to be in the present moment so I can love him better.

 

[welcometowitsend]

I have not read all the posts on this thread and I am coming in late but here's my thoughts.....

difficult child is highly intelligent. He could pursue almost any career he wanted to. He is funny and charming too. But he lies, cheats, steals and is incredibly selfish and lazy.

easy child is probably low normal IQ (pains me to write that - I've never said it out loud), has several 'significant and/or severe' Learning Disability (LD)'s. She is funny, thoughtful, caring and loving and works very hard.

If difficult child came home with a 66% on a test I'd be disappointed because I know he is capable of 86% with a little bit of work. easy child came home with a 66% on a math quiz. She had to write it twice but she did it unassisted (no notes to help her and no assistance from the Special Education teacher) - we all cheered her and were thrilled. But with that is a little piece of sadness that I am so thrilled that she got 66%.

So, yes, I feel that sadness and loss sometimes but then I remind myself......
My husband is not highly intelligent, more like average, but he is very good at what he has chosen to do. He picked a path and worked at it until he got really good. He is self employed, very successful and well respected. He's a great guy. He wasn't successful because of his intelligence he was successful because he worked hard, respects others and their time, cares about others, and is a great person.

My sister is extremely intelligent with an almost photographic memory (according to her). She has done well in her field as well but she is difficult to be around and hard to like, and is generally not a very happy or peaceful person.

I'll take the former any day. I have to remind myself of that and I have to remind easy child daughter of that too. Right now I feel more sad for difficult child because I think he may have a harder time at life than easy child. Happiness, peace, a loving family, and the ability to support themselves and live without financial stress is what I hope for my children.

 

[HaoZi]

The only thing I've every wanted for my kid is for her to become a happy, healthy, independent, productive (relatively speaking - at least able to support herself) person. There are times I think even that is reaching too far, and times I think it might happen, but much farther away than her peers will reach it.

Right now I'd be happy if she'd swing into the manic phase of her bi-polar. *sigh* Exhausted, but happy.

 

[buddy]

this was an important thread for me, thanks for starting it. I hope you are feeling ok tonight.....hugs

 

[BusynMember]

[QUOTE=HaoZi;574324]The only thing I've every wanted for my kid is for her to become a happy, healthy, independent, productive (relatively speaking - at least able to support herself) person.

This is all I want for my kids. I had no idea so many people were so interested in IQ. My two high IQ kids are miserable (both of my oldest two boys---35 year old toddler and 35 year old Chinese adoptee who left us). They aren't good people either. I wouldn't trade their IQ's for the wonderful traits of my other three children. I can't really relate to the wanting to have a bio. child crowd...maybe because I did have one and he is a PITA...lol. I never did care if my kids were bio. or adopted though; it was whatever happened first and I got pregnant first. I do feel for everyone though. I have had my own regrests that I consider shameful and would only post here. One, my biggest shame of all, is, "Should I have had a biological child with all the crapola in my family tree? He isn't happy and he he doesn't make anyone else happy."

I think all parents have some regrets. We just have more to regret, if that makes sense...

 

[LittleDudesMom]

We all come at life with different perspectives.

I can tell you that, for me, my "expectations" changed while in the midst of my difficult child's darkest hours. Prior to that period, I looked forward to sports teams, trophies, academic accolades, good colleges, great careers - not because they were just my dreams for them, but because I knew they would be capable.

Then my difficult child hit rock bottom. He went from a happy-go-lucky (albeit hyper and impulsive as heck) little boy, to one afraid to leave me, darkly depressed, and raging almost every day. There were endless days of darkness.

As light began to enter our world again years later, I realized I had changed. I no longer had the same dreams or expectations for my kids. I just wanted mental and physical health they could live with and for them to find a passion - whatever that passion be. I say the same prayer every day - "Lord, let me accept what makes my children happy."

My life is not now measured by my neighbor's or family member's yard stick. Nor is my children's "success" tied to my definition of the qualify of mother I am. My children know they are loved, they know I want the best for them, but they also know I accept them for who they are.

I hope that is what they will carry with them when I am gone.

Sharon

 

[SuZir]

You certainly make me feel low. I try to tell myself, howIi just want my kids to be happy and healthy and accept them in the way they are. But in the reality, in that dark place in the bottom of my heart: Nah, not enough.

I will be disappointed if my kids end up drifting through life. If they don't use gifts they are given. I will of course love them, but I will be disappointed too. If they do that, I feel they are cheating life and themselves. Both of them have talents, just taking an easy way out isn't enough.

I may be living my life through them, after all I did aim for safety and haven't been ambitious or done all that could be done with things I was given. And I'm not unhappy. But I do expect more from my sons. With difficult child there will most likely be detours and his challenges will likely always make it more difficult for him to realize his potential and he will likely have to come up with his own way of doing so. But if he ends up living off welfare or doing odd jobs and using his free time to dabbling with his interests and not using his talents to anything worthwhile - I will be disappointed. With easy child I don't worry. He will become productive individual whatever he will choose to be and he will be driven enough to not to take an easy way out, I'm sure of that. With difficult child it is a possibility. Till now he has been much more intense, more driven of the two, but he could burn out.

EDIT: I want to clarify that I don't blame you of making me feel low. I just in the way hope I could truely feel that I would be happy if my kids just are healthy and happy and not to be disappointed if they don't live up my hopes for them.

 

[welcometowitsend]

Suzir - I don't think there is anything wrong with how you feel. I think that part of our children being happy and fulfilled is that they are productive and that they have found something they love to do and are pursuing it. So, I think you want what others here want for their children you are just seeing it a little differently.

I stated that all I want for my kids is for them to be happy, healthy, in a loving family and financially stable. That certainly doesn't involve welfare and odd jobs as far as I'm concerned - although that certainly seems to be the path my difficult child is headed down right now.

I guess we just have to wait and see which path they end up on and whether they will stay on that path. And love them through it at the same time. I'm trying to learn to accept difficult child's choices as his own. Especially the ones that only affect him in the present and/or in the future. As hard as that is we have no control over those choices. We can tell them we are concerned and give them our thoughts or advice and then step back and let them decide what they are going to do. So hard, but we still love them regardless.

 

[Fran]

JJJ, I hear you. We all grow up thinking that with hard work we(and our children) can achieve anything we want or are capable to do. I always thought that when I heard difficult child "was very bright" that maybe he would grow up being a lovable eccentric.
Unfortunately, an IQ number without productive use of it is just a number. There are many brilliant people who are homeless because they can't use their intelligence to function. I have no doubt that if difficult child didn't have supports in place and a family to keep tabs that he would be part of that invisible population of homeless.
If your children give a 100% can be honestly employed, independent, law abiding, tax paying citizens then they have used what intelligence they have. More so than some of your mensa relatives I would bet. I have come to really appreciate that IQ is a measurement of ability not of success.
Hopefully, your difficult child will shine where she can shine. My difficult child graduated 16 from the bottom of a class of several hundred but there wasn't one parent more proud of their difficult child than I was.
I know you are working through things and you will continue to be the supportive nurturing, loving mom to this child as you always have been but it is good to think topics through and ask ourselves "who does this serve?"
We have all mourned the loss of the perfect child at some point in our lives with difficult child. Hang in there, she may surprise you yet.