Help!! 14 year old stepson with aspergers and some serious stealing fetishes

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Ms_Razz, Oct 4, 2011.

  1. Ms_Razz

    Ms_Razz New Member

    Help please, my boyfriend of 3 years has a 14 year old son with Aspergers that spends every weekend with us. For the past year he has been steeling my undergarmets and of course lying about it. He has always had issues with helping himself to others property but I am extremely frustrated and nothing seems to help. He will lie straight to your face and when confronted with the evidence he coldly states he couldn't help himself. His mother and father do not communicate or agree on what to do so there is no consistency between homes. He also steel the same from his mother, sister and any other females.

    Need some advice ASAP from anyone who has had to deal with something similar.

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Does he only steal your undergarments? in my opinion, t he seems like maybe a sexual fetish...does he have a therapist?
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    in my opinion this is a sign of a pretty serious problem. For it to have gone on this long, and be from so many people that he is so close to, he needs some in-depth therapy with a professional who can help him through these problems. Kids with Asperger's often really don't understand why they do something. That coldness is one of the hardest things to handle, but is usually NOT done on purpose. They do NOT understand the social rules and the ones they do understand often only make sense to them. Taking the undergarments of the women so close to him would make me wonder if he understood the taboos on sexual contact of close relatives, and/or other sexual mores. This is NOT something that you can help him with. He NEEDS a top-notch professional so that this doesn't move up to more serious behaviors.

    I could be that he really likes hte textures, women's undergarments do come in a wide variety of materials and men's just don't. Women's are also softer. If he has significant sensory issues, esp if they have not been treated, this might be part of it. He could also be struggling iwth gender identity issues. NONE of this is something that the family can handle. He NEEDS professional help. Urge your husband to get him into therapy with a TOP therapist and if he isn't seeing a psychiatrist that also might be a good thing.

    While we didn't have this issue with my difficult child, medication was incredibly helpful with perseverating and obsessional behaviors, which are characteristic of Asperger's. It sounds like this might be part of that, which is why I suggest a psychiatrist and medication as well as a therapist. Medication can often help with obsessing on things, which someone with Asperger's truly cannot help much of the time. My son's obsessions were usually violent, which was one reason we sought a psychiatrist and medications after several therapists accomplished nothing but irritating us all.They were not bad tdocs, they just had no clue what to do with a child with Aspergers and much of their advice went totally against what my instincts said would help. Finding the RIGHT docs was crucial in helping all of us.

    I know this is hard, and of course your mind jumps to the thought of sexual problems from him, and that may be true. But it also may be more sensory, or other htings. Without a good therapist and psychiatrist working together, you just won't know.

    I do urge you and yoru husband to work on a Parent Report = it keeps all info about him in one place. The link in my signature will take you to an explanation of this and an outline to create one. It is a crucial tool in figuring out the problems and how to help him.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I agree with all of Susiestars post. I was thinking the same thing right away about the underwear...the texture, or even the just washed smell (I think you said he is taking them from your drawer right, not the dirty laundry--sorry to be icky about it but either way it can be the smell sorry to say) I actually had a niece who didn't like blankets, only liked her mom's slips. (No Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) there, she is a normal annoying 15 yr old now)

    I know it is scary because people might not understand....and certainly he might have a sexual fettish.... but....just for an example there are many things that, if people took at face value when my son says them ..... well we both might be in lock down.

    example: he repeats over and over, fortunately not in public but sometimes in front of a neighbor or friend or relative or two...."Lick my penis". Ok I would be super worried if I didn't know the history and his issues. He started saying this very very young when he would imitate every single thing the dog and cat did. He wanted a collar, climbed in the kennel, wanted to be on a leash, curled up on the back of the couch like the cat, even pooped outside once-yeah that was fun--- etc. Total imitation. Guess how animals clean themselves??? THAT is where it started. But, because along the way a few folks made a huge deal out of it with him, he now peseverates on it. I hear him say it even he is all alone and just doing something totally unrelated. (he has several statements that are just odd that he repeats) He just babbles annoying things at times. That is not the same issue you have but the point that they may not know the nature or effect of what they are saying is what I am getting at. Pretty common for Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and Aspies.

    Oh yeah, mine "borrows" things too. Yup that is the word he uses. Pretty much it is "found" things but we need to clarify just because it is on the floor in your cousin's bedroom does not mean it was a random lost gameboy game. etc etc etc... Much improved, but probably going to be tricky for you with two standards of behavior for him to have to live by. Sorry for the stress. It sure can be hard.
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Just a thought....Often there is a method used to explain social expectations and hidden rules that the rest of us just pick up along the way in life. It is called social stories. Aspies are often visual and need direct teaching about social skills, behaviors and consequences. They are written in a specific way and at the level of the child in question. Never assume they can handle whole books on the subject, this is usually a half page to one page kind of thing. There are several web sites and it is likely that his Special Education. teachers or sp. path at school (if he has these) know how to write them in their sleep. School folks who work with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids will often write stories about home issues to work on with the family so it is worth asking if your hubby is willing and if there even are such staff for you.

    Other methods are trading cards (not baseball, it is a technique with social skill training) and comic strips...(again, not the newspaper funnies...ones you make regarding social rules)

    All of these thins can be searched on the internet easily. There are specific resources for older kids and kids with Asperger's so if you see little picture social stories about using a kleenex dont worry...there are all levels! (though some of us are still working on the kleenex thing)

    Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and Aspies can often tell you the rules and that it is not ok to steal....but they dont really get it so you have to work on it in a different kind of way.
  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    My difficult child 1 went through a brief phase like this around the same age, along with seeking porn through every avenue possible (even MY phone, also took my credit card to charge some 1-800-Hoochie-girl line). I was taking my bras and certain lacier types of underwear. I would find them hidden in his room. He'd deny knowing how they got there.

    This all got a LOT better when we addressed some of his underlying mood disorder issues through medications and a bit of therapy.

    You don't have a signature line indicating whether he's on any medications right now or what diagnosis(es) he has.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohhh, boy, does this sound familiar!
    We had this problem with-our difficult child, in regard to our easy child daughter, a neighbor, and the neighbor's daughter.
    difficult child still cries about it (the police got involved).
    Part of it is the physical/sensory part. with-difficult child, it had to be expensive Victoria's Secret sexy lingerie. That took me out of the picture right away. I can't do lace. :) But also, we found a note, 2 yrs later, that listed the people's names and their attributes: tall, blonde, sexy. He was right. He does have good taste. But that's beside the point.
    You do not steal. You do not invade other's privacy. You do not sneak.
    I bought him lace panties.
    He hated them.
    They had to be associated with-a particular person.
    The therapist helped a bit, but I do not think we ever totally resolved the issue. difficult child kept stonewalling. I did not go to most of the sessions because it was too much to have "mom" in the room. But it was very lengthy.
    We gathered a bagful of panties and brought them into therapy (I hid them in a big purse, and then we blindsided difficult child. Do not do this with-o a therapist or it will backfire.) We had difficult child talk and cry, etc., and then had him walk, alone, outside the therapy bldg and throw the entire bag into the trash. Sort of like a ritual.
    Part of our solution was to put locks on the bedroom doors. Another was to call the police. Another was to buy gift cards for the neighbors to replace the stolen goods, and have difficult child write a note of apology. I showed him how much it cost, and made him write the note. He could not deliver it because he was banned from their property, but it all worked out for the best. They are sympathetic to him now (we told them about his Asperger's) and no longer afraid.
    Part of it also involved easy child directly confronting difficult child and telling him how much he invaded her privacy and hurt her feelings. She is his idol and he was crushed. Also, the neighbor's daughter was one of his best friends and that went down the tubes.

    This is a fetish and part of repetive behavior, as others pointed out. It takes a lot of work but all is not lost.
    You have to be patient, which is not easy.
  8. I don't have anything to offer, other than compassion and sympathy. Keep reaching out. This board has been wonderful for help with the struggles we are currently going through. A LOT of strength, great ideas and wisdom found here on this board.

    I hope your boyfriend and the boy's mama can get on board with therapies and treatment.