help about feeling hateful

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Gillis, Oct 7, 2011.

  1. Gillis

    Gillis Guest

    This is a tough question:

    What do you do when you get to the point where you hate your kid?

    I don't want to touch or be touched by him, talk to him, listen to his lies, or try to get him to help the family with chores and participate in activities.

    I've gotten to this point many times in the last 3 years. I've dealt with it by being super angry, igoring him, grounding him to his room.

    I'm really tired. There has to be a better way. All the therapists ignore my feelings and just tell me " YOU LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!"

    What if I don't? What kind of parent am I? I guess I hate me more than I hate my kid, but it still leaves me feeling terrible. I don't know how to fix this.
  2. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hello Gillis and thank you for your honesty. You are right. It is a tough question. How old is your boy? Forgive me if I forget what you might have said in previous posts but what is going on for him in terms of background and diagnosis? More information will possible reveal more leeway for some kind of handle on this. Meantime, hugs.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Most of us don't feel "warm and fuzzy" every day. Our children are challenging and the life we lead is not the life we anticipated to have. It is more difficult for those in the group who have issues of their own because life patterns influence how we parent.

    I don't recall your previous information on your child nor do I remember specifics about you. Sorry but all I know is that you have posted before. Could you refresh our memories?

    Off the top of my head I think it is good that you are sharing how you feel. That indicates that you are ready to accept that perhaps you both need to change so that you can lead the best life possible. If that is your goal...we're here to listen and offer support and advice. Sending a caring hug. DDD
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Respite. Can you find respite anywhere?
  5. Gillis

    Gillis Guest

    I thought I did the signiture in the about me, but got it figured out now (I hope)

    He's 12. diagnosed in grade 1, after a hellish kindergarten. Diagnosis is now ODD, BiPolar and ADHD.

    He's in a new school. If he's expelled from this one, he will have to be homeschooled as there is no other options left. He's absolutely capable of the work but refuses to do anything at school. He lies about everything, even the stupidest littlest thing. We give him rewards when he is cooperative, and he loses priviledges when he's not. Nothing works for longer than a day. We've been through every therapy in the last 7 years. 6 schools. Many medications. countless visual, sticker,chart,checklist,token,carrot-on-a-stick methods.

    And it comes down to him telling me "I don't want to."
  6. Gillis

    Gillis Guest

    does my signiture work now? :/
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    That's a hard age even for easy child's. Almost always more difficult on parents when they have a difficult child.

    Not to second guess you (obviously you've been seeking expert advice for a long time, sigh) but how long has it been since you tried medications. Bodies change and what doesn't work at one age can sometimes work at another. Was he recently diagnosed either via a neuro/psychological evaluation or by a caring adolescent Psychiatrist?

    Although stimulant medicines only take a few days, and sometimes less, to have effect the BiPolar (BP) medications take a good bit longer. My difficult child had the same diagnosis's and we had to test three different stims before he got ADHD relief or help. With the BiPolar (BP) alot of people here have tested a number of medications but most have finally found one that helps. I absolutely know how frustrated you must be but on the other hand he is not able to do what his peers do with success...that's a huge frustration for him too.

    Have you reduced your expectations in accordance with his capabilities? Some of us have had to back off "cleaning rooms" "doing homework" etc. etc. to reach a level of functionality. Is it possible he just does not have the maturity to do what all is asked of him? Sometimes "I don't want to" translates into "I'm not able to". DDD
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    So sorry you are struggling (like many of us here). in my humble opinion and by federal law, if you are in the USA, no matter how severe your son's behaviors are there is no way they have a right to expel or demand you homeschool him. Homeschooling works for some, but for those of us who spend every minute negotiating land mines, it can be just too much. If the reward/consequence plans dont work then they dont work. If a system is stuck in these and in asking you to use these, then they are just plain limited and untrained. Many kids need much more support than that. All of the things that can trigger them must be considered (medications, illness, sensory things, kids bugging them, hunger, fatigue, whatever) and then the environment needs to be adjusted to help reduce those things. Consequences often help kids stop a behavior in the short term... they do for my son, but for mine, it makes NO DIFFERENCE in the long run. It is not like before he blows up he says, "Oh I better not do that or I will get one of those suspensions I hate so much". Now, when he is in a calm state he will say that he promises not to because he loves to be at school. But in those stress times when their brain is not functioning well, sigh, so silly to expect more out of them. My son's behavior program is geared to teaching him to regulate his states and how to move from one state to another. I still have to fight admin. to get them to follow it but the sp. ed folks are doing an awsome job. He is 14 and it has taken till the end of last year to get this in place. On and off they have done ok things but it always ends up with people using the punishment/reward stuff and it just doesn't work.

    In regard to your feeling like you hate your child. THAT is normal. My sisters and I confessed this to eachother too, and other dark thoughts during stressful times and they dont have kids with special needs! Very hard for me to allow a hug after horrible behaviors, it feels so manipulative. But, often it is just that it is really over for my difficult child. I wont say to him I hate him, and indeed I dont but I sure hate what is going on and hate his behavior and I dont deserve to be hit, lied to, have my stuff wrecked, etc. no matter the cause. If you were all sunshine and roses thru that, THEN I would worry. Take care and you are in a safe place to say what you feel.
  9. keista

    keista New Member

    Are these your therapists or his? Either way, I'm guessing they have no clue how to help you work through these feelings, so they try to redirect you.

    In reality, You do love him so much. You may not be FEELING it, but the fact that you are doing all the things necessary to improve his well being, is a display of that love.

    Here's a crazy idea out of left field. Have you called a child abuse hotline? Not because you have or are planning on abusing your child, but because you do have these really negative feelings. They may be better able to refer you to a therapist that is more experienced in dealing with such feelings. Just a thought.

  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    To answer this question... this is what I had to do back when we were there...

    I compartmentalize my feelings.
    That is, I have to sit down and analyze exactly what it is that I hate.
    And when I go through the whole exercise...
    Its always the same answer.

    I hate his...
    - behavior
    - attitude
    - lack of cooperation
    - destructiveness
    - whatever else.

    If those were not there... would I still hate him? No.

    Deep down inside, I DID love him - but I really did HATE the outside layers.
  11. Gillis

    Gillis Guest

    I do think it is time we look into medications again for the adhd. It's been about 3 years that he's been off of them. I try to remember that his hormones and growing-up-changes are also affecting him.

    His depression/ bipolar medications work for the most part. He's not selfharming anymore and he still smiles/laughs occasionally.

    What do you say to yourself when you're mad when "he's my kid and I love him" doen't work anymore?
  12. Gillis

    Gillis Guest

    Thank you. I need methods. I need something to do. I'll definetly try this.
    I'm guiltly happy that I'm not alone. I'm full of shame and guilt and can't talk about my feeling to friends, and when I talk to my child's therapists (not seeing one for me) they don't actually HEAR what I'm saying. :) thank you again.

  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The other question, of course, is "why is he like this".

    I havent' got time to check up on the history here, so you may have already gone down this road...

    You said, ADHD, Bi-polar, and ODD.
    Notice, I switched the order. That's on purpose.

    Next, the phrase "hellish kindergarten".

    Next, he's 12... AND just switched schools (reason does NOT matter).

    Red Flags.
    I suspect your son has undetected disabilities. And these are driving him to insanity.
    School does NOT see this. They never go looking for stuff to spend money on!

    For example - 50% of kids with ADHD, also have Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) - a condition that affects their neuromotor skills, and may affect gross motor, fine motor, or both. Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) has a HUGE impact at school. The fine motor issues collide directly with almost all academic activity in the early grades. The gross motor issues interfere with the development of social skills.

    ADHD also has high co-morbidity rates with the standard learning disabilities... dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalcula, etc.

    Kids with both ADHD and Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) often have secondary mental health issues, especially anxiety and depression.

    On top of that, auditory processing issues are FREQUENTLY missed. Especially if there doesn't appear to be a problem with language. BUT... there can still be subtle language problems, OR an auditory condition where it is difficult to understand in the presence of background noise (typical classroom).

    - he's 12, so hormones are becoming a factor
    - its the worst possible age to be switching schools
    - its also the point in time where school work becomes considerably more difficult, if the student has not mastered the foundation skills well (reading, writing, basic math functions, etc.)

    My advice? Scrap the ODD diagnosis. Start digging for whatever else may be going in.
    It will probably take at least a year, and maybe two... but its worth it.

    (We finally got to the bottom of all of ours... at 14. Once we got the right dxes, accommodations, interventions, and medications... we have received back the son we thought we had before he started school.)
  14. Gillis

    Gillis Guest

    I'll look into the Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD). He is very clumsy, and just not good at running etc. He used to lean on walls when he walked. Kindergarten he would turtle during assemblies, he would run away, and he would hide under tables and in closets, bathrooms, etc. I got his ears checked and tubes put in which calmed the aggressive part of his behaviour immediately.

    He hates writing, so that's always an issue. He's got a laptop at the school which they're supposed to be letting him use for assignments, and I've expressed my strong desire for him to use it. I have a meeting next week, and will be making sure he can use it. It's been a fight in every school to let him type his stuff out.

    thanks for the support.

  15. keista

    keista New Member

    I had a bit of a struggle with this as well. I proved to the school that not only son's typed work was better, it was exponentially better. I tied in the state assessment test, because just a few years before son reached 5th grade, the state included "standardized writing" tests (yeah, I know it's an oxymoron, but whatever) If he fails the ST it's not just bad for son, it's bad for the school too. (funny, they never even consider removing accomodations that make life better for the school via his testing results. They only try to remove accommodations that are strictly for him.

    Does he have an IEP? Make sure the "assisted technology" is in there, then it should not be a daily issue.

    As son got older, we had to turn things around. Encouraging him to write out some assignments, especially math. Worksheets that take one word answers get done so much faster by hand.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    When was he evaluated and by whom? Just like height and weight change the inner workings change too. Sometimes people use their Pediatrician because they are comfortable there but when there are alot of issues an expert is needed. The school system usually requires documentation of disabilities before they make the appropriate accomodations. They can not "kick out" a disabled child. DDD
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    For Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD)... check out
    Lots of good info - including info for SCHOOL!
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't know what he has, but I do suggest you see your own therapist to talk about your feelings about your child. in my opinion talking to somebody will make you feel a lot better. Take care :)
  19. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    I too have felt that I just did not love him anymore, and I understand not wanting to touch hug or anything else. I went through the motions trying to hide it. I do believe that if we put up with everything that we need to go through then we must love him at some point, but it sure can be hard to find it. Letting him know how I felt would have been the wrong thing to do. My difficult child is so upset when I showed any attention to anyone else that to let him know I felt negative feelings towards him would have cause an explosion with enough power to launch a Saturn 5. Last week he stated that he believed that I was closer to "difficult child in training" then him. (Well of course, "difficult child in training" treats me like a human). He was slightly upset and stated that he believed I was closer to "difficult child in training" because he likes to do the same things I like and thus we spend more time together. But yet as a 16 year old difficult child really did not want to spend any time with me. We talked through it and he left the conversation calmer. And, without picking on "difficult child in training".

    Love is not always defined by the emotion. I have spent more time, money, energy, sleepless nights and every resources I can imagine on difficult child then the other two combined. I have forgiven more rude and nasty behavior, I have provided more attention and support. I think this is still love even through I want to get a way and don't want to touch him.

    What can you do? Learn to fake it, smile and hug even when you don't want to. Find some kind of escape even if it is just a 5 minute cup of your favorite beverage while hidden in the stairwell. Walk away when he is raging. Don't share things important to you with him.

    My difficult child is getting much better then he was a couple of years ago. So I am starting to feel close again and have positive hope for the future. So hang in for now it might get better. Although I do wonder that when I am in my late 90s and start losing my memory. When difficult child is a grown adult, and I only remember him as a difficult child child. Will I say what I am thinking then? I'll be the child like one. He'll have to put up with me.


    Rewards and punishment only became something else to fight over for us. We did better without them. The techniques in Dr. Greens book, the explosive child worked much better for us. Also a technique called "reflecting" helped.
  20. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Also get Lost At School by Ross Greene, it is basically The Explosive Child written for the school environment.

    Is your son on any medications??? If he is not on any medications, use extreme caution with stims, they can really activate a child with bipolar (if he is).

    I would suggest trying for a full evaluation looking at:

    Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)
    Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)
    Auditory Processing Disorders (APD)
    Sensory Integration Disorder (SID)

    Unless you know what you are dealing with, attempts at treatment are as accuarate as tossing darts while blindfolded.