Help-Game Plan Needed

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by NOLA, Dec 30, 2007.

  1. NOLA

    NOLA New Member

    I’m trying to have a game plan solidly in place when difficult child decides he’d like to come home and really value all of the advice and comments from you all. I usually post in the Teens forum but I need all the input I can get! I know, you’d think we’d already have a plan of action ready but between being in shock that things have come to this, depression, and learning how to detach, dealing with the “what ifs” has been on the back burner. I am feeling better just knowing that I have finally made an appointment to see a therapist, Christmas is over, I took a week off from work & stayed busy around the house. :bravo:

    A quick update on our saga—he called Christmas Eve night & asked if he could visit on Christmas Day (I was already asleep & husband told him he’d talk to me and to please call back in the morning. He called in the afternoon & he said he’d like to visit with us but he wouldn’t be staying – maybe spend the night but he wasn’t ready to come home. Call me Mrs. Scrooge :bah-humbug:but I basically told him ‘no’ he couldn’t just ‘visit’ - I told him just because it was Christmas and all of a sudden he felt warm & fuzzy, I couldn’t allow a ‘visit’ & then watch him walk out the door back to la la land – I would be enabling him. Then he got on the phone with-husband and talked for a while – when they hung up husband told me he said he really does want to come home for good but doesn’t want to deal with the PO, go to juvenile, etc. He asked if husband would call her and see if he could get out of serving any type of locked-up detention.

    So, assuming he is thinking about coming home (here is what he posted on his livejournal site)

    Dec. 26th, 2007 | 04:13 pm
    all is well.
    new years, baby.
    gonna throw it down, then go home and get my act together
    it's going to be straight.
    get at me.

    And his wanting to visit wasn’t just to pick up his presents :christmasgift:(which I’m certain he must have thought was here waiting for him) I’d like your thoughts & input on what our unified position should be? I guess I’m wondering (other than having a contract outlining what is expected and what will not be tolerated, etc.) do you think we should insist on him going to an inpatient rehab before moving back home? Further, I’m not interested in making any phone calls for him to lessen the consequences – husband thinks it might be helpful if it gets him to come home – I don’t agree.

    Thanks for any thoughts you may have.

    ps - Below is the letter he left us on Aug 17th - If you have the patience & time to read it I thought it might help you see where he's coming from --

    <span style="color: #009900">The most important thing I want you to know is that I love you three more then anything in the world. I appreciate everything you've done for me, and I deeply apologize for everything I've done to make your lives so difficult. I wish things were different, but I'm never going to be the son/brother you want me to be. I can't stand by and watch my family be torn apart because of my behavior and the choices I make. I need to be on my own and be my own problem.

    A big mistake you make is thinking I'm too immature to deal with my problems, and you give my problems too much credit. I'm happy with the life I have, and the friends I've made and I don’t think you understand how bad I'd be off at that school. I'd rather go back to Rivarde than that awful place.

    I don't expect you to understand where I'm coming from, and if I had one wish, it would be able to explain it and make you proud of me. I feel like a bird stuck in it's cage, desperately wanting to stretch its wings and fly wherever it chooses. What is the point of living your life miserable, planning for the future, when you can be happy?

    Mom, when we were in your room, taking about the school, remember we you said that I need the drive to set a goal and accomplish it with hard work? My goal is to be happy, and that can never happen while you are making the choices for me. In the wild, lions leave their family when they are old and strong enough to hunt by themselves. I feel it's that time for me, and I can’t let you stop me.

    I have a place to stay every night, and my friends will always be near by. You look at my friends as hopeless drug addicts, when they are actually responsible young adults capable of living on their own, as am I.

    You have no reason to worry (although I'm sure that won’t stop you) because I'm completely safe. I'm sure you're going to call the cops, but it won't do you any good. You need to let me do this. It can’t work any other way. I pray you accept that. I love you all more then you will ever know, and I will keep in touch on a regular basis. I'm sorry about the money, and I promise I will pay it back.</span> :hammer:
  2. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    I don't feel qualified to give advice on whether to require the inpatient rehab stint. We did with difficult child, and in her case I believe it helped a great deal even though she did not complete the full 90 days.

    Sounds to me like he's planning on one last blowout, tomorrow night. That is not the attitude of someone who is really serious about getting straight.

    The letter is familiar stuff. Do they have a class for difficult children in writing the "Dear Mom and Dad" letter? Can be paraphrased as "I'm sorry I screwed everything up, but actually it is you and your expectations that are to blame for all my problems. My friends have my back, and are not the losers you make them out to be."

    Very best wishes to you and husband in dealing with this... wosh I could give better advice.
  3. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    I have typed and re-typed this post several times. Sorry if I sound rambling below, but I don't know what else to say.

    My difficult child is 19, went to a 90 day inhouse treatment program for drug use (was court ordered). She then had to attend AA/NA meetings three times a week, get a job and be clean for 6 more months per the court system.

    She did all of the above. Did it change her. Not really.

    She still hangs out with the same group of people (users, sellers, etc). She is now pregnant (oh Yippee) and says she has not used.

    A treatment program may work for your difficult child. Mine was just not ready to do it for herself. She still thinks drugs are okay and should be legal.

    As for your difficult child's online journal posting, it really does sound as though there is going to be a big blast tonight to celebrate the new year.

    I know I wasn't much help here, so I will send Hugs to you and your family.
  4. NOLA

    NOLA New Member

    HereWeGoAgain -- I like your paraphrase-you definitely got his number. I agree he doesn't sound at all serious - that's why I'm struggling with-what the heck I'm going to do with-him if and when he rolls in with-his 'i want to live by your rules' story.

    Hopeless -- I'm sorry about your difficult child's predicament - ours also went to 63 days of inpatient last year - didn't do him a bit of good either-he refuses to give up his friends.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I, too, have had no luck with residential programs and even after
    "almost" paying "the ultimate price", my easy child/difficult child who was also gifted prior to his brain injury probably still is not ready to
    give up his difficult child friends. It is so frustrating!

    on the other hand, your son is still young and he does have the potential to
    pull it together. I think the key is for you and husband to come to
    a meeting of the minds...and with difficult child and see where
    it goes.

    Do I think you should be really optimistic? Well...not really.
    Do I think it's important to practice Detachment 101 skills, absolutely. BUT I was a easy child and I made poor choices at 17 that I
    regretted after the fact. Most teens do mess up. Most teens also grow into decent adults when they have support.

    If you don't'll never know. Hugs. DDD