Help with bullies

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by adearing01, Oct 4, 2008.

  1. adearing01

    adearing01 New Member

    I have found a day care that works perfect for my family. The owners/directors have been teaching special education for over twenty years each. They pick up my two oldest kids from school each day and take them to the day care where my little one stays.
    We started out the year doing OK, but just in the past two weeks, a lot of the old behaviors have returned. He is nearly out of control at school and getting close to that way at home. I asked my son what was bothering him since he only behaves this way when he is anxious about something. All he said over and over was that we need to find a new daycare that does not have bullies.
    He is allowed to go to the 4-5 year old room after school because he and this other child cannot be in the same room. The daycare has done everything they can and I am satisfied with their actions. But, I need to know how to help him with this. He said he thinks about it at school all day and that is why he will not do his school work and disrupts class. He blames this other child for how he is behaving even though this kid is three years older and goes to a different school.
    Any advice at all would be appreciated.
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    If he's worried all day about what is going to happen at day care, then yes, it would absolutely disrupt his day. It doesn't matter that the other child isn't present at the time. He is always present, it seems, in difficult child's mind.

    I would sit down with the owners/directors and explain how distressing this situation has become for difficult child and brainstorm. What exactly is the other child doing in terms of bullying? Have the other child's parents been notified of the behavior? Is there anyway you and the other parents could brainstorm? Is the other child's behavior such that he should be removed from the center?
  3. adearing01

    adearing01 New Member

    Sat down with daycare on Friday, she is doing everything she can at this point. According to what my son tells me, the bullying has been more verbal and teasing than physical. I don't know about the other kids family or if they are even aware of the situation. I do know that it is up to me to help him feel safe, but I don't know how to do that.
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    If he's at daycare, it is also up to the daycare to help him feel safe and to keep him safe. We parents can't be everywhere all the time.

    I would try role-playing with him. I don't know of any off the top of my head, but I'm sure there are books on this can help guide you. You may ask SRL on the Easy Child (Early Childhood) board. Your kiddo is older than the Easy Child kids, but she has a lot of knowledge on role-playing/social skills.

    I would also try to find some relaxation guides to help him in the evenings and in the mornings before school. He's keeping this pent up and it's just coming out all over the place. He's not able to relax and let it go.

    For easy child's, when it's only verbal, we tell them to ignore it and the bully will get bored and move on. It's not so easy with our kiddos - especially with the high anxiety. My daughter would completely shut down and we ended up with HUGE school refusal.

    What I've learned with my daughter is that we can't really work on coping with the anxiety, until her anxiety isn't so high. Which means we had to remove the trigger. Otherwise, her anxiety was sky high all the time and she was in survival mode and was not in a position to be able to help herself or learn any coping skills. You're a bit ahead of us because it wasn't until the last year that Wynter could even recognize her anxiety for what it is.

    With that in mind, I would think that trying to get the other parents involved - in a non-threatening manner - could be long as they are willing and not accusatory. Obviously, this other child has 'issues' (for lack of a better word) of his own and this is how he copes with it (that's just my opinion).

    That's my two cents. Others may come along with different ideas.

    Does your SD (school district) have any anti-bullying campaigns? While they can't address this specific issues since it isn't happening on school property, they may be able to give you some ideas and may talk to the other child anyway.
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    How does he feel about being with 4 -5 year olds? That may be an issue - at 7 yrs they are so much older than the 4 yr olds and he may feel that he is being punished and being put in with the "little kids". He may have friends in his regular room that he misses.

    If his regular class is with the kid a few years older, then the older kid is probably making life miserable for all the younger kids in that room. Not fair that the solution is to remove the victim (your difficult child). I think the problem (bully) needs to be removed.
  6. adearing01

    adearing01 New Member

    Actually, there is nothing he would love more than to be with the little kids. He loves younger children and takes great care of his little brother. I am not concerned with him feeling punished since he takes so much pride in helping the little kids have a good time.

    His Occupational Therapist (OT) assessment showed he is emotionally/congnitively a four year old. I am just so sad for him. It seems like I give him so much love, but that is not enough. I just want to ease his anxiety, but don't know how.:(
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    There is a new book out that I have heard a lot of good things about. It is titled, " Bully Proof Your Child for Life" and is by Joel Haber, Ph. D., with Jenna Glazer. Here is the website for it: .

    Our schools do a great anti-bullying program through our guidance counsellor and they have been talking about this book for quite a while (even before it was published). I believe you can even use the link to on the side of hte page to help the site while you get a useful resource.

    Now, remember, I have only read excerpts of this. But it is not the old "Walk away" or "ignore them and they will stop". It has USEFUL things to help, including role-playing to do with your child.

    Maybe this would help you help him??/

    Hugs, I hate to hear he is being bullied, but it just happens to be one of the nastier things that life hands us all.