help with expectations

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by fras, May 21, 2013.

  1. fras

    fras New Member

    Hi. This is my first post, but need advice. I'm a newly married man with no kids of my own with a wife that has 3 kids from two fathers. Her oldest son, of which she blamed her Ex's "meanness" to him as a result of their divorce, has just moved back Into our home with his friend. They are 20 years old and he is lazy, piercings in his face, grungy hair, and no job. I sat down with him and offered to give him advice as he wants a job and to move forward with his life. The first things I asked for was to cut the hair and take the piercings out to act grown up. The problem lies is that since he didn't want to, his mom makes excuses and continues to defend he's a good kid. He lies, has done drugs, no drivers license, outstanding tickets preventing him from getting a license, lazy, and not too bright.

    My question is, at what level should I show frustration. Honestly, I took it as utmost disrespect that he is making an issue of cutting his hair when both his mom and I are supporting him. Mom defends his every action. He left the house and didn't come home for 2 days...she defended him by saying he was justified because we had t addressed it specifically yet. Please help:mad:
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He may be a lazy bumm.....but telling him to cut his hair is not goingto change that.

    Chill out and let everyone long has he been there?
  3. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    It's just my opinion but I don't think that pushing the hair issue is going to help matters any. I know plenty of men with long hair who have reputable jobs and keep their hair tied back into a neat ponytail. My kids are still young so I don't really have any advice on getting him motivated to find a job. Just wanted to offer a little bit of advice about the hair. Good luck.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    His mother is naturally going to side with him. You took on a lot when you married her. This is a 20 year old boy and you're not his father. He probably doesn't feel any need to listen to you and his mother is not surprisingly siding with him. Did you know the kids before you married her? Not defending the kid, but he's her kid.

    I don't think fussing over hair length and even piercings is a worthy fight. If he wants to look that way, why do you care? My daughter went through a stage like that and she got over it and we didn't nag her about it. I think n agging only makes them more determined not to listen to you.

    Have no idea why you and mom are still supporting him. You may want to go to Parent Emeritus, another forum we have, for grown kids.
  5. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Try the parenting emeritus board they have more experience with "adult" children. From what I've read there the biggest thing to push is boundaries. You need a job by x time frame. To stay with us you are required to pay your tickets and make efforts to becoming an adult. It doesn't work well if you and your spouse are not on the same page.
  6. mar37x1teen

    mar37x1teen New Member

    You may want to be careful of your meanness to her son, yourself. Your post is mostly nitpicking.

    I know how that feels. My parents both remarried in the last 7 years. Their new spouses who have no children of their own, are very jealous and controlling and I've been living out on my own since I was 19! Way before they came into the picture. It's like they feel threatened by me and my siblings.

    This is something you and your wife need to talk about first. And really she should be the one to talk with him.

    *Try being a supportive positive role model.