Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mog, Jan 15, 2012.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    Sorry I haven't posted in awhile--2011 has been the worst year of my life-difficult child came home in January and was in and out of our home as he lived with friedns for awhile then got a girlfriend and lived with her and her parents until her mother started being so demanding telling him he had to work two jobs to provide for her daughter. She started playing head games so he moved home, lost his job and gave up on everything-they eventually broke up but she still calls to torture him. He had several friends that died and seems to be in a deep depression.
    THEN the hardest thing Ever happened- MY mom died!! She was always so very strong and took care of everybody and everything.I am still in denial about it I think. Her last days were very difficult for her and I saw alot of things that haunt me, like a bad dream.

    difficult child took it hard and family members were really assanine to him instead of try to give him support. I saw it and it hurt me so I can't imagine how he feels-he has shut down. He spends alot of time in his room alone.
    Then about three weeks later he left the house and when he came home he was really out of it-I thought he was drunk. He tried to kill himself. He took two bottles of my medication. I sat chairside to him night and day then when he was able to function for himself he kicked me out of his hospital room. When we came home, he wasn't himself. His mood swings were all over the map.One night he came walking into the livingroom and just lost it--tried to hurt himself again and damaged my home. He was arrested even though I was asking for transport to mental hospital for phsyc evaluation-now he is bad. depressed, worried about what will come of these charges. He can be happy one second and apoligize for what he did -telling me he doesn't remember because he was in a black out. Admitting to me that he had tried cocaine on top of my medication. Telling me he loves me and asking for help-then wham! he is rude and cursing-cooking and making a huge mess that he refuses to clean up and me and husband "hide out" in our room. Feeling like hostages in our home.
    He does really well when he is not living at home-memtally but he can't afford a place with no job and we are barely hanging on ourselves. Our other son moved home and with the extra food and expenses it been hard.
    I don't want him living here but he really has no where else to go--Help!! Any ideas!!
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well that is a lot to go through in a short period of time. I am very sorry. I know how hard it is to lose your parent suddenly like that. My dad died just a year ago and I am still hurting quite a bit. My difficult child took it very hard too.

    With all that your son just went through with the girlfriend and the odd stuff with the living conditions, his mental health stuff and now the legal situation, well I dont think it is wise for him to be living with you at all. From what I can remember of your personal situation, I dont think you have a ton of resources at your disposal which is my situation too. You live in a larger area from what your location lists so there should be some shelters in your area.

    If I were you, I would make your son go into one of the homeless shelters for men. Maybe you have a Y or a Salvation Army. I assume that you bailed your son out. If so, and you cant find anywhere else for your son to go besides your own house, revoke his bail. I know that sounds awful and like you dont care and arent a loving parent but it doesnt mean that at all. I have revoked my own sons bail before when things were just so bad at home and I couldnt put up with what was going on at home. You cannot deal with a grown adult terrorizing you and forcing you and your husband to hide in your own bedroom while your son goes on rampages. Its just not right. He will be better off either in a shelter or in jail. Jail is truly not that bad. They are safe and fed. Its not the Hilton but at least they arent under a bridge.

    This is just my opinion and you dont have to take it but I have been there with a very mouthy, angry, and defiant young difficult child adult male. He has turned his life around now but it took me sending him to jail several times over the years.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry you are dealing with such sad news. I think you first have to figure out what is going on with your son. Is his behavior due to drugs or depression or some other mental problem. It sounds to me like he is doing drugs becuse of his mood changes, but it also could be severe depression. You don't want to kick him out of the house if this is depression and needs medication. Is he willing to get a complete evaluation to determine what the problem is? You may want to make that a condition for him to stay there. If he is doing drugs he will be hesitant if not downright against that, but if he is miserable himself and doesn't want to be that way then he may agree to trying to find out why and get the help he needs.

  4. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    I am stunned by just reading all that you have been through this past year! It sounds like you are in a terrible nightmare right now, but unfortunately this is real life and not just a bad dream. I can't imagine dealing with all of this...

    I agree with Nancy that you and your husband have the right to feel safe in your own home. You would never let a stranger come into your home and wreck the place and terrorize you. If you would not take this abuse from a stranger, then you absolutely should not have to take this from your own son. The next time that your difficult child goes into a rage you should call the police. If you explain to the police that your son is severely depressed and has tried to kill himself they may take him to a hospital for an evaluation. It sounds like your son really needs to be in a hospital where he can have a complete mental evaluation. I know that you want to help your difficult child, but you really have to take care of yourself and feel safe in your own home. Sending caring thoughts to you....
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im not so sure your son is using drugs as an in a substance abuse or addiction way but as a manipulative way to get his own way to control you so you wont feel safe to do anything to him. As in...oh no, I cant possibly put my poor, pitiful drug using boy out because he might hurt himself. Blah. There is no way you and your husband should be held hostage in your own home. Absolutely none. Even if he is a full blown addict, I wouldnt advise that. Any person who behaves that way to his own parents needs to be gone. He will most likely do better when he is gone. I think you wrote that he does better when he is gone. That is the way my son is. My son does much better when he lives on his own. A man (which is what your son is) needs to feel like an adult and they dont feel like that living in your house.

    I stand by my opinion to get him out no matter how you can do it.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    First I am sorry for the loss of your mom..... my mom died about 8 years ago and it was very very hard and it takes some time to remember them without feeling the acute loss.

    As far as your son... I agree with Janet you need to get him out of the house. No one deserves to live like you are with him doing destructive things in your home and scaring you. Home should be a sanctuary. Its funny when my son was home I could not wait until Monday when I could go to work and get away... after he was gone I hated to see Monday come because I enjoyed being home so much!!

    It also sounds like your son does better when he is not at home!!! I think this is not unusual for young adults. At home they revert to their childish behaviors and think that somehow they can treat their parents badly with no consequences... really taking advantage of our love!!! Out in the world they learn quickly they cannot do that. I don't think your son will get the help he definitely needs while he is still living at home and doesn't have to do it.

    It is hard to find shelters for single men... but when I was looking last week salvation army looks like they have some good options.

  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi, this is not my area of parenting issues, but I read your story and just wanted to say I am so sorry for your losses and struggles. Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and am glad you have all these other warrior parents here to help support you in these tough times.
  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to the board, mog. I'm so sorry things are so bad right now. You've got a lot on your plate, and I know it's difficult to process your own grief over the loss of your mom, when there is so much chaos going on around you with your son.

    How long was he in the hospital after the suicide attempt? Was an aftercare plan set up for him, with counseling etc.? Perhaps if you suggest to him that seeking help for his depression and anger issues may help him in any upcoming court proceedings over the arrest, he'll agree to go.

    I do have to agree with the others that if he continues to be violent and aggressive in your home, he's got to go. Depression or not, that behavior cannot be tolerated, in my opinion. You can't be held hostage to his temper tantrums, and soon enough even his depression can turn into a manipulative tactic to keep you from kicking him out. I suspect the black-out comment is manipulative, as well. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. If he's depressed, he needs to get help. I also urge you to get some help for yourself in dealing with all of this, it's a lot to process.

    Hang in there.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I didn't realize how long it had been since you last posted. Obviously you have been overwhelmed with major problems. Wish I had some advice to offer but all I can do is send huge hugs and support your way. I'm really sorry that you have had back to back trauma this year and hope 2012 will bring some solutions for your family. DDD
  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am sorry for all the pain and the loss you have experienced this past year. It is more than obvious that your son needs help and also that he needs to be out of your home. Violence toward you or your property should not be tolerated. I know you probably do not feel strong enough to act on this but I really do not see how you will ever heal sufficently when this kind of behavior is being directed at you. Your son may have good cause for being depressed but that does not relieve him of his responsibilities to behave in a humane manner to you and your husband. I would make a call to your local MHMR office and find out what resorces are available.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    (((((hugs))))) I know you are in a lot of pain right now and it is hard to figure out what the right thing to do it.

    I am going to be blunt. NOT because I dont' like you and don't want the best for you. Just the opposite. I will be blunt because I DO want the very best for you and for yoru son.

    Your son is NOT gaining anything healthy by living iwth you. GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOME.

    I totally agree he needs help, but you are not going to be able to get him to agree to get help until his life is so hard the way it is that he wants to change. You wanting him to change isn't enough. If you think he will kill himself, call 911. If the cops dont' think transport to a psychiatric hospital is right, defer to them - most are trained in how to handle this because they see a LOT of it. Find out what shelters are around you. If he isn't on bail, give him a lsit of shelters and tell him that he doesn't have to go to them but he can't stay there. In your home he has NO REASON to get clean, sober, get help if he is depressed, or do antyhing positive iwth his life. He beleives that you and husband will support him and go hide from him and give him the run of your home. You and husband have worked hard all your life and this is what you get? Don't settle for this. Don't let your fear of what might happen cripple your son any further. Letting him stay with you is keeping him from having to get help, from having to make changes.

    I know you are scared. I think he is using that. If he is on bail, revoke it. It is the MOST LOVING THING YOU CAN DO. WHY? He iwll then be in jail where he cannot get the drugs he wants easily. They will supervise his detox so that he doesn't go cold turkey and have complications. He will have food. It won't be great, but he iwll be alive and getting some treatment. there will be people there who will not let him kill himself and who won't let him go on rampages. These are things that need to happen and you cannot do. I KNOW it will hurt to revoke his bail. But it won't hurt as bad as what you are living through now.

    YOU need to start going to alanon meetings. Start with 7 in 7. Go to 7 meetings at all different times and places. Then go back to the ones you felt support in. If you don't liek them? Consider it medicine and go anyway. YOU NEED THIS.

    If nothing else, go because addicts who have family members who get treatment are 30% more likely to stay in recovery. If he was in school and he would get 30% extra credit on a class if you went to a meeting once a week or seven times a week, you would probably go as often as you could because that would be a boost from a D (59%) to a high B (89%). This is his LIFE and 30% could be the boost to sobriety because you are going to meetings and workign your own steps. If you won't do it for you, do it for him.

    You are willing to let him live with you, contribute NOTHING to your home and bills, eat your food, and make you hide in your bedroom. Please be willing to go to alanon meetings and work the steps and reclaim your life. That will push him to reclaim his own, and give him an example to follow. Kick him out and make him live with his choices. The doctor prescribed those medications TO YOU because your body needs them. If the dr finds out that difficult child is taking your medications, he will have to stop rxing them for you as long as difficult child has any access to them. I know you need your medications. I know you have problems and pain because difficult child takes them. Don't give them to him, don't let him have access to the house, and love yourself enough to report him for stealing your drugs the next time he takes them from you. Yes it is another legal problem. But he can get a public defender and he can serve his time for the crime. In jail he will have a roof that he won't if he is loose and you kick him out. Stealing your medications is a FELONY and it is ABUSE OF YOU.

    You deserve better from him. He deserves better from you. Love him enough to make him feel the pain of his choices and addictions. Love him enough to say NO he cannot abuse you. You don't let someone you love hurt you this way. You love them enough to say no and to turn them in where they will get a supervised detox (jails have medical staff that supervises them as they detox which is FAR safer than having them do it at home. FAR FAR FAR safer.)

    I agree that he needs treatment, but you have to love him enough and be strong enough to make him want it.

    I want YOU to have the best. To have your medications, to not live in fear of what a kid would do. What would YOUR mom do if you did what difficult child does? Would she tolerate it for a second? Would she want that for you? Or would she want you to be strong and protect yoruself? You were HER baby, after all.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I have to agree the best place to start is to get difficult child out of the house. You can support him in treatment no matter where he is, but I don't think being at home is a good idea.

    You can help him find a homeless shelter or something along those lines to go to, you can help him find a treatment program, whether for the drugs or mental issues (but unless the addiction is addressed the psychiatric issues are not going to go away, but get worse). But you do NOT have to have him in your home to do those things. It's ok to say No you can't come here.

    You have been through so much in just a year. omg Sending many warm gentle ((((hugs)))) your way and praying for you both.
  13. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for all you've ben through. Your son is taking all his rage out on you and your husband. He's been through a ton of horrible things recently, that doesn't mean he acts like that toward you. He needs to be OUT NOW. Things will get better once he's not there, he can't act like that around others, he won't. Whether it's jail or a homeless shelter, I'm saying this nonchalantly, but either thing will be a HUGE wake up call to him. He will thank you for it one day- you will look back one day and think it was for the best as well. This is not your new normal. You make a change, then he'll be forced to make a change. I know it's painful and awful, I have been there. Put on your warrior suit and be a warrior, (((HUGS))).
  14. richardluthar

    richardluthar New Member

    That was not my area of parenting issues of life, Find out what shelters are around you. and soul of your life in treble. life in every time enjoy and fun to past. every time not a come again. so you take care of yourself and feel safe in your own home.
  15. mog

    mog Member

    what is mhmr?
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Not sure which post that is from (sorry if it is mine), but it means mental health mental retardation, or did years ago. In my area is it called the Dept of Vocational Rehab and is for people wth problems to go to get help like job training, indep living skills help, etc... Or I think that is what it is called.
  17. mog

    mog Member

    difficult child does have issues and was diagnosed bioplolar but with all the in and out of facilities he convinced one doctor that he was not that he was only adhd -then when he turned 18 took himself off the medications all together. He went back to see the person that had been treating him him basically to brag that he got himself taken off the "biopolar list" and that he was doing great with out medications( which was true to a point at the time)but now he says he doesn't need to see anybody. I asked him if he would like to go see someone for grieve counseling but he said he was already talking to a counselor. Where? we have to take him everywhere he goes1
    I want to get him an efficiency appartment and a car so that I can tell him ok from here on you are on your own, I love you but you have to sink or swim but dang we just can't catch a break to have two dimes to rub together to get either one. At this point, If I knew he had a car i would tell him to go to a shelter but he just got a job and is feeling good about himself again so I want to give him support but at the same time I am not sure that my own mental state can handle too much more of this stuff.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    All parents cant buy their kids cars and set them up in apartments. Probably half cant. In fact, buying a kid a car isnt as good for them as it sounds. If they have to buy it for themselves, they will have more pride in the ownership of that car and take better care of it than if it was just given to them freely.
  19. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Mog, My difficult child#2 did fine for a while without a car while living in a group home. He got a bike and that got him back and forth to work. If your son wants to make it on his own he will. It doesn't sound like he does though. The only way you will have peace from him is to get strong. You must set clear boundares and follow through on consequences when he violates them. I won't even take a phone call if my son is nasty. I have zero tolerance for it after all he has put this family through. It doesn't matter to me if he can or can't live a good life. He will never live under my roof again.