I think sometimes the best examples we can give our kids - are the ones we 'fail' to follow through with for them. When I took a good hard look at the second chance, the third chance.....Okay okay - let's wipe the slate clean? (Long long exhale) Well I think at the time it was more for me than it was for him, because in reality? I was too exhausted to fight yet another battle, and too proud to loose another fight. Then as a parent I really just wanted things to be okay, right, fine, dandy, even keel.....even if JUST for a day or half a day or OMG kid - really? Can you just give me an hour? ONE SINGLE HOUR OF PEACE where you don't have the world revolve around YOU and YOUR self-created whirlwhind of destruction and doom? (insert parental scream -muffled of course into a pillow because I'd never let him hear me yell or give notion that I was anything other than fine and dandy with my choices.
Then lets talk about the choices. And I laugh. I was bargain-Mom - OH if you do this? I'll give you that, okay? When that ran it's course I was punishment Mom. You didn't fulfill your part of the agreement so now you will go directly to be without supper. Kid laughs. Yeah because somewhere in his room? He had a stash of snacks that would survive him through Armagedon. What a fool I was. Sent to his room? To what? play? Oh how dastardly of me - smack, smack, smack - you are horrible. Gosh they can play quiet when they aren't supposed to be playing can't they? Makes you wonder about the other times when you ASK them to be quiet. Then when I felt OUTWITTED, OUTmatched, OUTCLASSED - and OUTFOXED - by a 14 year old....I became TOTALITARIAN parent.....Stripped the room (HA no toys or snacks now is there Jr. ?) and gave him a mattress, and his own clothes, and NOW lets see who's the wiser -HA....and the kid shimmied out the window, got on his bike and was out having the time of his life with buddies - while I sat in the den confident that my skills as a parent were honing nicely to a razor sharp edge.
Then I became out of sheer desperation and a stroke (no really a real honest to Pete stroke, complete with ER, Atavan drip and prescriptions) I became DETACHED parent. Thankfully for me about this time we were done in therapy with the horrors of my marriage and all along had been working towards Shalom in the home with the kid - and as luck would have it - I was able to go to therapy - talk to a professional about my life at home (to which I got looks like I worried on occasison a wagon with men in white coats would surely pull up and take me away) and things got WORSE. They do that before they get better - because now you have someone on YOUR side telling YOU smart things to try. Not all of them work - but you know you've tried them, and a badly behaved child will run that fence line - and test the limits - so look out. When that didn't work? We agreed that something had to give - and so we "GIVE" him a train ticket and a bag full of his clothes and said "MERRY CHRISTMAS".
For two years - he lived out on his own the best he could. ER I mean HE HAD A GREAT LIFE. It was awesome. The house was fantastic. His friends were superb - better than anyone here. Better food, better cars, better everything. And in that time? We initially didn't hear from him much. I worried, I was sure he'd end up dead. After loosing two sons that was a hard one to swallow - but reality is what it is. And it was either let him experience the world WITHOUT my help, without my concern, WITHOUT my nerves being shot 24/7 - or quite literally face the prospect of another stroke and be WITHOUT me....
After hearing about living in the park, under bridges, diving in dumpsters for food...and back stabbing people? I did get an apology. He realized that at 20 the people that had loaned him money - here and there couldn't give it to him like they did when they were working and living at home, because NOW they had their own bills. That 20 that was tra la lah before to them? 1/2 the gas bill this month and when can you pay ME back? The couch surfing? Yeah well - funny thing happens with your buddies that live at home - and go to work - YOU have to leave for the day - and even their parents get tired of you, and the ones who have their own places? Yeah man - crash here - and then what? YOU stay home all day eat my food, run up my electric while I am working? Naught ah - it gets old real quick at 18, 19, 20.....friends or not. You aren't going to stay home and get high while I'm flipping burgers and washing dishes. And as far as getting high goes? Well theres that money factor again....do I buy groceries and some dope or groceries and pay a bill? And if YOU are a freeloader in my house? WHY should you get to smoke dope? You didn't EARN (oh there's that word finally) EARN anything. GOSH you sound like your Father!!! (insert that face where you actually realize you sounded just like your parents for the first time) yeah -kinda shocking but at this point it's the other kid not yours.
So they tend to NOT be as gracious with THEIR OWN money, homes, food - when there is a freeloader around, and without an education? They tend to find out what jobs are NOT available right now because people with 2 degrees are working at the local McDonalds and finally I'm getting good customer service, and a hot batch of fries - and the tables are clean. WOW - So yeah I'm not so keen on you hiring a doper, with a bad attitude and NO education when I can get service like THIS! (explained to my son and he actually GOT that)
So if you put him out - make some rules for yourself and stick to them - NO money, no help no this no that......whatever it takes and don't engage in arguments. If he calls, keep the call short
HI Dad
Hi boy
Dad, can I borrow 20 until .....
Well son I dn't have that right now. Sounds like you're learning the value of $20.00 - three hours of work on a minimum wage job. =I have three hours of chores here if you want and by the time you are done? I can probably PAY you that $20.00 -
Nah whatever
Okay - TTYL.
Next call -
Dad?
Yes son.
I really need $20.00 - I'm dying. I think I have the flu.
Oh well you know the county hospital will see you for free. Call me when you are out so I know you are better - I know you can do this.
BYE.
Dad?
Yes son?
I don't have anything to eat, If you could just GIVE me $20.00 - I .......
Oh you know what look at the time - I have to catch this other call - Let me know how it goes at foodstamps office. Bye. Click.
Let him be responsible for him.
Dad?
I haven't had anything to eat all week. I'm starving.
Wow that sounds rough.
Yeah it is and it's all because YOU U%)*$_%+_)
click.
Dad?
Why did you hang up on me? Don't hang up on me....
YOU will not talk to me in a disrespectful tone - if you call here again -it had better be with some respect....good night - click
Dad?
Yes -
I'm sorry about our last call.
(FINALLY SUCCESS - I am sorry is not often said but it's a start and he's learning isn't he - be ugly - no dad.....be nice - dad talks) lesson learned.
Would you mind if I come over and get a sandwhich?
How about if I meet you somewhere and we have a talk and lunch?
Have no idea how he's going to respond - but you have lunch - talk, and if he asks for money - you offer him to come and work OR something else - GET enrolled in GED, and you'll take him - pick him up - drop him off -and after? Have dinner. NO cash.
This is a little bit of how it can go - but you have to have stamina....and coming off anxiety attacks? (yeeeesh) I'm going to tell you - You probably need more time away from him, and he needs to appreciate you in his life. In the mean time? Since you are anxiety prone? I'd seriously find a therapist to talk to - and chat. people have SUCH stigmas about it - but if you have a football team - you certainly wouldn't send them out on the field without a coach, or a plan/plays. Therapy with our kids is NO different - We need a plan, and a coach -----and help.
Glad you're here......If you have doubts about what you've done? Realize you can ONLY fix you......and then fix you. The rest will fall into place.
-Star