Hitting, Biting, screaming are behaviors , deal instead with problems

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Allan-Matlem, Jul 2, 2012.

  1. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    Parents who practice positive parenting tend to focus on behaviors and teaching replacement behaviors instead of focusing on problems and teaching life skills indirectly by using collaborative problem solving . Teaching replacement behaviors at most will teach a kid to voice his displeasure in a respectful way , but in reality when there are unmet concerns and piles of unsolved problems , the kid will not function in an adaptive and flexible way . We need to focus on problems and finding solutions

    I hope this helps

    Lasted edited by : Jul 5, 2012
  2. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    And your point is.....?
  3. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    The point is - I assume you have read the article - deal with the underlying problems, unmet concerns etc so the problem is durably solved
  4. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Thanx for the info.....I do think this is the type of parenting skills most of us is trying to apply! :)
    Did you find this a helpfull skill to use with your kids? And if so, what would you say the limitations are?
  5. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

    I'll jump in with what I feel can be a limitation. With a child on the spectrum, one of the central characteristics of the disorder is difficulty taking the perspective of others-which is really a key part of CPS. I liked to think of using CPS with my difficult child as an opportunity to hear his perspective (which is often sooo different from outsiders perception of an issue). Simply learn to understand how he thinks so that I can be more compassionate and when it is time to come up with a solution it often isn't a 50/50 agreement, I feel there needs to be more solutions that sort of 'favor' the person on the spectrum because it is such a huge struggle for them to even go through the CPS process.
    Another problem I have encountered is sometimes my son is struggling so much that you cannot use CPS, you just have to revert back to keeping him and the house safe. My son had an awful year of many changed placements and he was just a different person trying to cope with it all. Now we are back on track and CPS just naturally finds its way back to us.
  6. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    Problem solving in the moment is very, very, difficult. CPS is hard and messy, but learning is always taking place. I don't like to talk about limitations but more about complimenting cps with particulary RDI - relationship development intervention . This intervention for all kids especially those on the spectrum uses ' guided participation and mentoring ' - cps dynamic to learn skills in the context of every day living - for eg the kitchen being the classroom Here kids learn the skills of perspective taking and problem solving not in the context of emotive problems. try to transcend basic living and make into a teachable moment - informal teaching driven by curiosity etc

    I also speak about the values underlying cps ' being pro-social and working together as a family supporting each other . Another name for CPS is TLC - talking , listening, and caring - collaborative problem solving is an expression of caring for others and yourself and the family

    Mindfulness for children - meditation, relaxing and calming techniques are great , also learning to be more in the moment and attentive

    also hobbies, kids having an interest , mentors , older brothers, buddy-tutors, mixing and relating to people of different generations - put a kid withan adult friend , his thinking will be different

    and of course - positive friends

  7. :smile:

    I agree with LB that most parents here are using some mixture of the examples you give for CPS. Although it may come across that way when reading our posts, I do not think most of us depend on exclusively dwelling on the negative behaviors in our homes. For most of us this forum is an outlet and therefore we must appear totally focused on our difficult child's troubling behaviors.

    I have implemented mindfulness and calming techniques personally and with my children. I also support and nurture as many activities, sports and positive interests as possible. I also teach my kids how to cook and clean and do this with them in the home. We exercise together daily.....I could give many examples.
  8. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    So Allan....you still didnt answer my question......how does all your advice fit into your personal experience with your kids?
  9. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    Instead of trying to fix behaviors - getting up for school - by going to sleep earlier etc - the underlying problem was something going on at school , aggression over the computer was solved not by teaching language but by addressing kid's concerns etc - it sometimes took quite a few sessions until we had a solution that was workable and often we had to go back and work on another solution

    This all was accompanied by a lot of ' out of the moment ' talking about peoples' or general problems in the world or community etc taking perspectives, identifying concerns , talking about possible mutually satisfying solutions

    CPS was equated with TLC - talking, listening and caring - an expression of a value

    Often it was talking about these non-emotive issues that gave my kid a cps mindset