My kids' stepmom says she hates them.

[Valeriebook]

So my kids spent yet another weekend at their dad's and it didn't go very well. Both kids were texting me Saturday night to be picked up early. I had plans so I said no. When I finally picked them up on Sunday afternoon I asked them what the deal was. What happened that was so bad that they wanted to go home early? easy child said it was boring. difficult child 1 said that her stepmom was on her case the whole weekend. Complaining about her attitude, etc. Then difficult child said she was told to go in the other room so her dad and stepmom could have a talk. They were talking loudly difficult child heard it all. Her stepmom was complaining to dad about them. As the talking escalated, she then screamed out, "I hate your kids, J, I really do hate them." difficult child already can't stand the woman, and now this just made it worse. difficult child then reminded me that she now has another thing to hold over her dad's head should he try and win custody. So now what should I do? Should I say something to ex about what the stepmonster said about my kids? Or just leave it alone? I am very upset right now. My kids may be difficult children and have their issues, but for the most part they are well behaved there (except for the occasional typical teen attitude) and I think what stepmom said, within earshot, was deplorable. There's just no damn reason for her outburst. I am beyond mad right now. So do I say something or keep quiet to keep the peace?

You and your children need counseling. Yiu need to go together so that all of you can learn. You are projecting your hate towards your ex and your children pick up on that. Especially the one you call, difficult. The one that is lying and not going to school but as you have stated that child never lies! I am going to tell you the truth, I'm not going to sugar coat it. Your children are telling you what they want you to hear because they experience your projection of how much you hate your ex. They are simply doing what they think You want and want to hear. Your so called "difficult child" is using you and your contempt for your ex as an excuse to get away with everything, including not going to school, and much much more. Lying is easy for that child because they know you will buy it and stick up for them no matter what because you hate your ex. That is learned behavior. 10+ years ago my husband's ex dropped their daughter off on our front porch with a tote full of clothes so she could chase man across the country. Our (collaborative our) child said so many nasty things to me, including my mommy wants to cut your neck, my mommy wants you dead, my mommy said she would cut your neck. She was five, and my husband hadn't been with his ex for years. But, she had so much hate for no reason that she projected it on her small child. She told me one time that her mommy wanted to cut all my hair off and put me in a grave! At five years old! I knew that wasn't the child making those words up, I knew it was coming directly from her mother. She is one of those people who, if I can't have them I would rather they be single, because i can't handle them being happy with someone else. She has never been happy in a relationship, she had 2 more children with a man who has a great job and treated her like gold but she still cheated on him. Made him think the 2 kids she had with him was his and guess what!!???!! But, even after all that and all the years that passed she still projects her hate towards me through her daughter who doesn't even like her anymore and wants nothing to do with her, except she is her mother. This poor child is torn. So I guess what I am trying to say is get help! You need help on the real. You need to get over your ex. He is an ex for a reason! Move the on! Get yourself a man that you can trust and live a happy life with. Then you wont project all those negative feelings towards your ex that your children lie and play your feelings about. Also, get some family counseling. It will help a lot because it will show your children you are doing the right thing and focusing on your future with them instead of spending your life hating the past and being miserable. Your child that is skipping school will love that your paying attention to them and learn that you are moving on and they need to as well. The only reason that child is lying about the step mom is because that child thinks that is what you want to hear. Until all of you as a family can move on, your child is going to make up all sorts of lies to get you on their side, which is your side in all reality. Get some family counseling. You will be amazed at all the good it can do! Trust me. I've been married for over 10 years and we weren't even married when my husband's daughter got dropped off like a puppy! We have been through counseling and we are so strong as a family now. She would never say things like that to me now, we have a wonderful relationship and she knows her mom just says the things she says because she is a bitter, awful, hate-filled human that is so spoiled they think if I can't have my ex, no one can! In all honesty that's why he left her in the first place. Dont be that person, and dont teach your children being like that is o.k. behavior! Teach them to learn a bad relationship is exactly what it is, a bad relationship! You dont have to live through it, you can move on! Everyone has the ability to move on and find the right way to live their life. Stop projecting how much you hate your ex on your children. Let them decide for themselves. If for some reason they decide they aren't compatible with their father, then oh well, but dont take their father away from them because you hate him and want everyone around you, including your children, to hate him. You can't blame your child for having a relationship with their father and it sounds like that's exactly what your doing. Keep your feelings to yourself. Let your children spend time with their father and new lady without talking about her. Let them make a decision on there own, so what if they end up liking her. Isn't that a good thing!!?? Would you prefer your children spend time with someone they hate because you taught them to hate that person or would you prefer your children to enjoy their time with the person that is just trying their hardest to make your children happy?? You need to lay off the projecting of hate and get some counseling. It will help leaps and bounds and I guarantee your so called "difficult child" will change drastically. Once you are able to move on and accept the life you have, your children will be able to as well. They will stop lying about the step mom and have a great relationship with the both of you! Co parenting isn't hard as long as both of you realize that's was the beat decision for both of you. And, like I said, your children will quit lying and be happy! They will realize that's the way things are and my parents are grown enough to have a good relationship. It means the world to children to know parents can live happily apart but still be civil.

 

[BusynMember1]

This is a very old post from 2012. I am not sure any of the posters are still here.

I am sorry for all you have been through.

 

[Californiablonde]

Out of curiosity I read Valeriemember's incredibly late, as in 7 years later, comment. Big @ss mistake. One of the reasons why I left this site in the first place. It's funny how people read a post on the internet and can tell you exactly what's going on in your life and can read the thoughts of not only you, but your children as well. Just an FYI, my ex confirmed everything my daughter was telling him about his wife. She was abusing them, then told me he's "working on changing his wife" so she won't be so resentful and hateful towards our kids. He then told me not to tell anyone, and let what happens in his household and stay in his f***king house. This was after a very diplomatic text to him asking what was going on. I am one of the most diplomatic people you will ever meet. It's more of a curse than a blessing. Most people tell me I'm way too nice and I need to develop more of a backbone. No matter. You won't believe me anyway. You're convinced you can read my mind and you know of my intentions. That's okay, because my loved ones and I know the truth. By the way, I NEVER spoke badly about their father in front of them. Literally, never. My anger towards him was expressed to my friends and family when my kids weren't around. I have one piece of advice before I go: life is too short to be so bitter and harsh with people, especially with complete and total strangers. Like I've always said, pick your battles. Don't sweat the small stuff. Put this in to practice and I guarantee you that life will be much sweeter. I'm not saying this with ill will. I honestly mean it. Adopting this attitude can be a game changer. I wish you the best and God bless.

I'd now like to request that an admin take this whole post down. It's very old and isn't really very helpful or relevant. Like I've said many times, we are all in a different place in life now. <3

 

[Nandina]

California Blonde,

I’m sorry that one person’s incredibly harsh post has turned you off to this entire site. Sometimes people get a little too strong in their opinions and can come off like know-it-alls. If that person had read the rules she would have learned that we are not supposed to tell people what to do so much as make suggestions as to how we might have handled something. Of course when opinions are solicited by a member they are very freely given! But in general I find this place to be one of the kindest, most loving group of total strangers, actually, that I’ve ever encountered. People come and go, and I’m sure the tone of this site has changed over time, but currently, it is filled with good, well-meaning people, who care so much about people’s problems with their kids because they have “been there.” I for one would love to know how things have turned out for you in the last seven years. I understand if you don’t want to share, but for those of us who are in the thick of it, it could be helpful. In any event, I wish you well and hope that your children (who must be adults by now? ) have fared well. —Nan

 

[Californiablonde]

Thank you Nandina. You are very kind. Yes, you're right, my kids are adults now. I took a hiatus from this site for about two years. It wasn't just about the drama. My life had gotten a little more hectic and busy. When my kids were very little, I joined this group because I was overwhelmed, and to tell the truth, uneducated about my kids' unique disorders, which I didn't even know what they were at that time. I learned several years later that my son is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), ADHD, and autistic. My daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety, which has now developed into Schitzoeffective disorder in her adult years. Back then, I don't know what I would have done without some of the members in this group. When I first started, I didn't even know what an IEP was, until I came here. I still come to check in every now and then, but I'm not a regular member anymore. I did a new signature with a lot of updated info a few weeks ago, but for some reaso it's not showing up here.

 

[Nandina]

Thanks for the update, Californiablonde. My 18 year old son has the same diagnosis. He also has some learning disabilities, particularly with math, even the most basic. But he could do algebra and geometry once he caught on to it. He is borderline impaired, hardly noticeable at first but it affects his decision-making, judgment, etc. His birth mom abused drugs and alcohol during pregnancy. He recently started smoking, pot, cigarettes, vaping...all those “adult” things. He no longer lives in the home.

We went through hell when he lived in the home just like most folks on this site. Right now the relationship is ok—he doesn’t hate us, is no longer disrespectful and doesn’t ask for money for the most part. But he is just so naive and clueless about everything! Way more than most 18 year olds. He needs so much help, though he doesn’t think he does. I sometimes wonder if he will grow up like my other kids did or will he remain in this immature state.

I try to stay out of his life for the most part so he can learn to make it on his own. (because that’s why he left home—believe me, he was in no way ready!) He was homeless for awhile. When he needs me he gets in touch and it’s usually for something he can’t do on his own and I am happy to help in those situations.

If I may ask you...not sure your son’s age but how is he doing at this stage in his life? My kid does not fit in, does not want to fit in, thinks anyone who fits in is a copout...you get the picture. If nothing else, he’s quite opinionated! Lol He really doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. I am grateful he initiates a relationship with us, but look forward to the day when he can be more self-sufficient.

 

[Californiablonde]

Thanks for the update, Californiablonde. My 18 year old son has the same diagnosis. He also has some learning disabilities, particularly with math, even the most basic. But he could do algebra and geometry once he caught on to it. He is borderline impaired, hardly noticeable at first but it affects his decision-making, judgment, etc. His birth mom abused drugs and alcohol during pregnancy. He recently started smoking, pot, cigarettes, vaping...all those “adult” things. He no longer lives in the home.

We went through hell when he lived in the home just like most folks on this site. Right now the relationship is ok—he doesn’t hate us, is no longer disrespectful and doesn’t ask for money for the most part. But he is just so naive and clueless about everything! Way more than most 18 year olds. He needs so much help, though he doesn’t think he does. I sometimes wonder if he will grow up like my other kids did or will he remain in this immature state.

I try to stay out of his life for the most part so he can learn to make it on his own. (because that’s why he left home—believe me, he was in no way ready!) He was homeless for awhile. When he needs me he gets in touch and it’s usually for something he can’t do on his own and I am happy to help in those situations.

If I may ask you...not sure your son’s age but how is he doing at this stage in his life? My kid does not fit in, does not want to fit in, thinks anyone who fits in is a copout...you get the picture. If nothing else, he’s quite opinionated! Lol He really doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. I am grateful he initiates a relationship with us, but look forward to the day when he can be more self-sufficient.

I'd be happy to give you some more information on my son. It sounds like your own son and him have quite a bit in common. I'm always happy to share my own experiences, and hear others as well. Since I'm using my cellphone, I can talk to you tomorrow when I have some downtime at work. I can use a computer there which is much easier to type on. Have a good rest of your weekend.