Holidays & Trauma, Holding Both

[Copabanana]

I don't know how I missed my talisman until now. I love it. It is so complex. So me. Imagine here the throwing the fit emoticon. Because I could not open my other Talisman. But remain grateful for my first which is everything a Talisman could or should be. And until now I never knew I was missing one or needed one but now I know that is so.

But I read this morning that Leonardo da Vinci was a total loser until, at 46, he painted the Last Supper. So, we will just sit tight then, because my kids are not yet 46. Miraculous, unpredictable things happen every minute of every day and night.

I am wondering about his mother.

Was she crying and keening because all he did was stay up all night drawing in his notebook things that would not be invented for another 500 years?

I love my grands too much. They are fascinating, with their complexities and their sweetness and anger and conclusions.

I miss them most when I am cooking holiday things alone.

Yes. This is exactly what it is. I got stood up. I gave my ham away. No leftovers. Nobody to eat it. My son would not have anyway. He eats organic wild range free salmon.

These are elements of our lives every holiday brings, as the neighbors' kids and grands come home and ours don't (or worse yet sometimes, do)

Yes. I must remember the reality of my situation. I get sick when my son is here. I have not been sick to my stomach for months.

the hardest part about everything that has happened to all of us, and to our families, is that we don't know what to do with the feelings once we get them named and separated into neat, acidic little piles.

I was just now reading a book. Called Strange Material. It is about telling stories through textile art.

I thought it would be one thing when I bought it through the mail. I wanted a book about narrative textile traditions throughout time and place. Not what I got which is interviews of contemporary artists who tell stories through their textile art. And sort of hoakey exercises or prompts to stimulate creativity.

And in general the book was a disappointment except for what I did enjoy. There are artists making and naming piles. Making something from nothing.

There is a woman who knits little hand size monsters. There is a woman who decided she would celebrate her family by making narrative quilts, in the great African-American story quilt tradition.

This is what people do when they are done making piles and naming them. They tell stories about them to themselves and others, staring from this point, or going back to it. End to beginning or beginning to end. Take your choice.

Maybe this is why I am so interested in textile art. It is so malleable. Except it is also because I grew up with it. And rejected it. And feel bad. But it is not too late.

I believe naming the feelings and taking a stand regarding how to respond to what is happening to all of us is the way to do it.

Yes. I do too.

I want to do the naming in a non-verbal way. Like our Talismans.

Thank you,

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

I love my cameo too, Cedar, I am going to look for one as my Christmas present to myself.....to leafy....with love from leafy.........

Thank you Cedar

leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Cedar and Copa, Feeling are you there? Hi CD friends....

I was listening to Christmas music, and you are right, Cedar, it is brightening my mood.
I am cleaning up and getting ready to mix sugar cookie dough for tonights "great cookie making".
Blossom, my two grands, Hoku, her boyfriend, Son and his girlfriend, will be "rolling in the dough" tonight, making bells, trees, stars and decorating them with colored sugar, mini m&m's and snowcaps.

My Hawaiian Christmas tree is up, she continues to change each day, I think she is dancing the hula.

This is not my tree, but similar, Norfolk pines are rather Charlie Brownish...fun to decorate with big ornaments....


I will be "holding both", thinking of my two, my three hooligans, and missing them.

We will light our candles in the window, and say a prayer together, before commencing the evening.

I read and re-read the articles, thank you Cedar.
Shedding happy, sad tears.

Copa, I am cooking a rib roast for the first time, (I splurged) Hubs will not be happy, but I wanted to make a nice meal, rather than buy a bunch of stuff......I could use your recipe right now!!!
I didn't think I would ever splurge on a rib roast!


I am thinking of my CD warrior sisters, and friends, and wishing you all peace and joy. I am very thankful to have spent these past few months in the pleasure of your company, words of wisdom, sorrow, and happiness. You have kept me sane, in the insanity of my challenges. Thank you so very, very much for your loving guidance and support.

I found this today, while searching living life to the fullest. It is something I want to work on, life is truly too short.

Thank you my dear warrior sisters, and all CD warriors, too, for helping me these past few months, through the storms and fair weather.

I have been blessed and comforted.
Words simply cannot express.

(((HUGS)))
and love,
leafy