I Never Imagined I’d Be Here- Need Advice

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by TwinkleToes, Sep 2, 2019.

  1. TwinkleToes

    TwinkleToes New Member

    First of all let me begin by saying my heart breaks for all of you. I know the pain, fear, anger, loneliness, embarrassment, disbelief, denial and disgust I experience is too much to bare by myself. I’d imagine those same feelings, along with a need for answers, has landed most of us here. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. I’m lifted by the support and encouragement you lend to each other. I can tell it’s a safe place because sometimes there is a difference of opinion on advice given and it’s so respectfully given and received. Bravo to you all. I feel very alone because I’m too embarrassed to share everything with my family and friends. I hold out hope my daughter will turn it around and I don’t want others to think badly of her. It’s a process. As I come to grips with reality, it’s easier to be forthcoming. This is going to be long so apologies in advance.

    My daughter is a beautiful person, both inside and outside. Or at least she was. She is a prolific writer born with wisdom way beyond her years. She been told by numerous people she should be writing books. I’ve always said she was born 100 years old. She has had more pain in her thirty years than I’ve had in my lifetime due to the loss of her son, my precious grandson, almost three years ago. He died of SIDS in my home at 3 months old. He was perfect and healthy and thriving. I thanked God everyday I was home when she found him. (He’s was napping like a peaceful angel) to grab her by the shoulders and look into her eyes and tell her “You will survive this”. Now I can see that was my own fear in talking because the thought of loosing them both was incomprehensible. I cannot even begin to describe the trauma T’s death caused me, so imagining how my daughter got through it is unimaginable. I know we will always suffer his loss and never heal completely. We honor him and talk about him a lot.

    T was a good student and never gave me any trouble until college. She dropped out 8 credits shy of a degree. I mention that because a pattern has developed where she self sabotages. She has abandonment issues and picks these loser guys who won’t leave her. She and her husband have lived with family their entire 5 year marriage. I lasted 4 months early on and said never again. After the funeral they moved as originally planned. She got pregnant a month later. They were not in a position to have a baby either time, but the pain was so unbearable I’m sure that wasn’t a factor. I do not judge. I was appalled when I went to visit and saw how her husband contributed next to nothing and their sense of entitlement had gotten worse. Her father and stepmother couldn’t have been more generous. sister in law got back in school and I thought maybe they would be okay. They lasted two years in CT and came home a year ago. Part of me missed my daughter terribly and I wanted to bond so badly with my grandson, so I was happy. Another part of me dreaded all the drama and chaos that surrounds them. After their move back I could see it had gotten worse. Much worse. It was on calamity after another. They are both on Adderall now and I know they were buying Vicodin around Christmastime. They lived with my sister in law’s parents and didn’t save a dime. My daughter called her grandfather in April begging for help because she was getting a divorce. My 79 year old father drove 5 hours to bring her a car he’d bought and co-signed on an apartment for her. He told her if she goes back to the “bum” he’s taking the car. He took the car. She has lied to us about being back with him several times now. I feel duped and used. After my dad took her car, I loaned her one I had with the agreement she not go back to him. She told all kinds of things about him to make me hate him. They are both at fault and both behaved badly. Anyway, I truly believed it was over. I got her a phone, Internet, bought $1,000 of food hauled her laundry back and forth and tried my best to support her. She had a third job interview and things were looking up. She reneged on our agreement so I took the car. It gave her a perfect excuse not to accept the offer. My anger would go from 0-100, in seconds, when something would trigger me. I was loosing it. I stopped by unannounced and her husband was standing there with no shirt on playing games on my TV and my internet. She kicked me out. She forbid me from seeing my grandson. She had lost her phone the previous two days before and I stopped by to check on them. I cancelled that, the internet and took my car key. She had taken stuff I had given her to the pawn shop to pay her rent. We had an agreement that I would buy the stuff back with my next paycheck. I did purposefully did it that way so that it required effort on her part to get the money. She has refused to give me the name of the pawn shop so I can get my jewelry back. I’m sure she lied about the amount they gave her. She lies all the time. My grandson’s 2nd birthday was 3 weeks ago and his presents sit in my dining room unopened. She goes through phones like toilet paper. It’s an excuse not to communicate. I need the gateway back to return to the cable company and she ignores the email and hand delivered letter left for her. She could care less I’m still having to pay. She has many items that belong to me that I want back. She doesn’t take care of her stuff and I’d be foolish to think she’d care for mine. I was trying to give my grandson a TV to watch and computer to stream Puppy Dog Pals on. I don’t trust them now. I worry that the baby has what he needs. When I was buying everything I didn’t have that burden. She has been a good mother, albeit the chaos isn’t healthy for him. Now I worry about him having food and diapers. She has taken pain medication from me that she knows I need for a back condition. I knew she was far worse than I’d imagined when she knew I didn’t have enough to make it until my next appointment. She lied to me and said she had it covered. I’m having back surgery in two weeks if that’s any indicator of my inability to function with the degree of pain I experience. She ignored my attempts to get the pawn shop receipt, my belongings and put me into harms way with my medications. She denied her son the best birthday he could have had. What scares me is my daughter won’t ask for money. She will suck you dry if you don’t stop yourself. Agreements don’t mean anything. She left me a message 2 weeks ago offering help but my surgery was postponed due to a biopsy. If I had taken her up on her offer, she would have some last minute excuse. She called me the week before that and asked if I’d meet her for coffee to talk. She cancelled last minute. I still need the pawn shop receipt (but it’s probably too late now) my gateway and belongings and she hasn’t responded to my hand delivered letter ten days ago. Now what? Thank you all for listening and I’d appreciate any feedback or suggestions. May you all find some peace today and Bless you all.

    P.S. Sorry for the redundancy and ramblings. This is my first post.
     
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Hi and welcome.

    If you read my story, you know all about the daughter I call Kay (it is not even close to her real name), her useless husband Lee (same) and my grandson Jaden (another way fake name...I am anal about nobody finding out who I am).

    I can relate to all you do to try to help your daughter as I did the same. My daughter lies and steals too and is addicted to pot and maybe more. Being a faithful member of Al Anon and hearing many addiction stories, your daughter's dealings with the pawn shop, lies about returning your things, and leeching off others makes me wonder if your daughter and unwelcome partner both have serious substance abuse issues. To me, I think there are huge red flags such as stealing your opiads.

    One thing I learned from experience and Al Anon is to step back and out and stop the helping and because of this I don't see the grandson from this daughter, although I do have other grandkids.

    I am so sorry about losing your first grandson. I can't imagine much worse. My heart aches for you. However, it does sound like your daughter had some issues even before that, and that this tragedy exasperated them. Did she or you ever go for grief counseling or therapy after this happened? Even now is not too late. Back to what is happening today...

    If a person lies, that person, beloved child or not, can't be trusted. Please don't hurt yourself by making other deals with her unless you can accept willingly that she may not follow through.

    Does she have access to your bank accounts or credit cards? Please don't let her. We never did give Kay access, but in Al Anon have heard of grown kids who knew and stole. Do you have any other, more trustworthy kids to look out for you or with you? A spouse or SO for support? A good therapist to teach you how to cope with such a difficult problem?

    I am so sorry for your loss and continued pain. Please do think about taking care of yourself. You have no control over your daughter, only yourself. You can decide not to "help" her anymore. We found out after almost going broke that helping Kay does not help her. And my other kids and husband were needing my attention too, but Kay was getting almost all of it. I had to change. I have. It was very hard.

    If God is in your life, lean on Him. Most of all be well. You deserve a calm life. It is; actually more peaceful for everyone with Kay throwing a fit and disowning us, more or less, for no longing paying her way.

    I do worry about my grandson. Grandparents have no rights. I think Kay may get into trouble with CPS one day and, if so, many are willing to take in the little boy. Nobody is willing to help Kay and Lee.

    Do take care.
     
  3. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I am so sorry for your profound loss.

    I agree with Busy that your daughter's behavior is consistent with substance abuse.

    I would cut my losses, stop enabling my daughter by cutting off all financial support , and start focusing on me. You only have control over yourself , nobody else.

    Your daughter's feelings, and behavior belong to her. Even her lies and her manipulations. By you cutting your losses and not talking about the pawn shop etc anymore , you leave the responsibility for all of that with her. By bugging her about it, she will be mad at you and focus on that rather than taking responsibility for her actions .You can change your behavior towards her by stopping all future lending of anything since she pawned your belongings. Think of action steps to take on your behalf rather than how to change her.

    I would strongly recommend Al-Anon for you. It will help you focus on you.

    By enabling her (doing for her what she is able to do for herself as an adult) you are contributing to her disease . When you learn to be healthier, she has a chance to follow suit .
     
  4. TwinkleToes

    TwinkleToes New Member

    Hi Busy,

    Thank you so much for taking your precious time and sharing your journey and experience with me. It’s very helpful. I am DONE giving Erin ANY financial support. When I pulled the plug, I meant business. I’m even paying for cable she could have access to but I locked her out. I still have to get the equipment back to cancel it. Ugh. I have no idea how that’s going to happen.

    I have read many of your wonderful posts and I’m so sorry Kay has caused you so much pain. When you wrote she has disowned you my heart broke for you. Few mother’s deserve that, you clearly are not one. I think Al-Anon is a great suggestion and I will give it a try. Yes, we both had grief counseling. It made it worse for me, but it helped my daughter. I had my first counseling session last week but it was more of a history kind of session. I think it will be very helpful.

    I have a 20 year old son at home who is going to college, working part-time, paying his insurance and phone bill and even enjoys hanging out with mom sometimes. I’m engaged to be married, but with all the chaos we haven’t even been able to plan that. I had an epiphany a few weeks ago and was able to see Erin was consuming all my time and energy and it wasn’t fair to the rest of my family.

    Trust me when I tell you I no longer trust her. This last “round” woke me up. That said, she’s not speaking to me now. I pray I have the same clarity and resolve when we do speak again. I’m so grateful to have found this group to help guide me down this path of doing things differently. It goes against everything you feel and believe about being a mother. Thank you❤️
     
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  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Twinkletoes

    I am so, so sorry for the loss of your grandson and the pain you have suffered and continue to suffer. And I am so very sorry your daughter is putting you through this. After all you have suffered, and she has suffered, that you have suffered together, to do this to you, indeed is a cruel, cruel blow.

    I am nobody to talk but I will respond to your post from where I am now.
    This happens to me when I have not had adequate boundaries, and do and do and try and try, when it is none of my business and not my responsibility. Resentment and frustration build up until one little thing, and I blow. I have created this explosion because I have not paid attention to my own needs, my own feelings, and the wisdom of taking on that which is not mine to bear.
    This is what I mean. I am assuming here that you bought a tv and/or were paying for cable and internet for your daughter. This was your choice to do so. Once you decided to do it, this was a gift to your adult daughter, for her to do with as she chooses. It sounds like you made an implicit but unstated bargain with her, that she got these gifts contingent on good behavior on her part, or behavior of which you approve. Our children are adults. While I have tried and tried in the same way as you, it does not work. Because our children NEVER buy into what we want for them. Your daughter may have paid lip service, but she didn't really buy in. She just took.
    That is exactly true. But she has that right--not to care. She, not you, is in charge of her own feelings and actions. She can say or do whatever she chooses. Your right is to respond to how she treats you, how she acts, by making your own choices about what you do and what you don't do.

    From what you write she has been abusive, deceitful and morally compromised. You're right. Why take more?
    This sentence tells you everything.

    She is reacting by denying him, trying to hurt you, seeking revenge, tit for tat. Without a care how the child is affected. However I believe you have some learning here too. You know she has total control over this child. Right or wrong. Your only access to the child is through her. She is showing you exactly how vulnerable you are, her child is, and is your relationship with your grandchild. She has shown you her willingness to put everything on the line. This is your learning. Apparently, you needed to see where she could go. She showed you. It's not a pretty picture.

    You have a lot of clarity now. There is nothing you can give her, not help, not a TV, not internet, that will buy reciprocity or decency from her. Because she is not in this space. Whether this is addiction, grief, her personality, right now, we don't know. But you know enough now to take care of yourself. To take care of your money, your heart, your well-being, your dignity. You know none of these are safe with her now.

    I am so sorry. Many of us have found ourselves in this tough spot. But the silver lining is we are now living from the truth. And we can begin to live for ourselves, with others who will treat us well.

    I am glad you have found us.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 3, 2019
  6. TwinkleToes

    TwinkleToes New Member

    Thank you, thank you, thank you wise choices! I needed guidance on the pawn shop and all her other transgressions. You’re right, it is her responsibility and not mine. I’ve been getting that all wrong. How should I handle getting my belongings back? I am not, nor will I support her again financially. I could see that was a quick road to nowhere pretty fast. I’m fortunate that she doesn’t ask. I see that I have been enabling her and I own my responsibility. For me it was easy to withdraw support. It was ‘You treat your mother like that and “poof” it’s gone’. I haven’t tolerated blatant disrespect from my children and I’m not about to begin now. What do you mean about me taking action steps?

    I’m missing my grandson so much my heart aches. I worry constantly and would give my right arm to see him. I cannot believe how cruel it is to withhold him from me. Erin knows exactly what she is doing, and given the loss of T, this is by far the cruelest thing she’s ever done. I’m pissed and I’m hurt and I know I have to change because I have no other choice. Blessings to you! Thank you.
     
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am going to write something here that is strategic and cold-blooded. I am seldom either of these things, but it seems that this situation may be calling for this.
    The reality is I think you may need her to cooperate with you if you have a chance to get the stuff back. As I read your initial post, it seems you gave your consent to the pawn at least in part. The arrangement that you would buy the stuff back. That implies awareness of the pawn and agreement with it. Even if you live in a small city where you could hypothetically visit all of the shops, I don't think they would tell you as their relationship and contract is with her not you. (I just read her Deni's post. If that is doable, I would do that, rather than go to your daughter.)

    But if you do have to go through your daughter I think given who she is right now she would only respond to money.. You have to decide what the stuff is worth to you, what your bottom line would be and negotiate with her. But that would entail knowing the terms of the pawn, and getting some kind of guarantee from her and them, first. Only you can decide if the jewelry is worth this to you. Worth what you'd have to do to get it back.

    You are seeing she is capable of almost anything, if it hurts you. Maybe if you act contrite, she will put her guard down. Of course this would be deceitful on your part. I am not advocating for this, believe me, but if you have to deal with her, that is what she may demand. As I said, only you could decide if it's worth it.
    Well. It's all out in the open. Of what she is capable. The person who she is right now. I can't count how many grandmothers who have come to this forum since I have been posting, in this same spot. My mother was treated like this by my sister who withheld her children from my Mom. Like you, my Mom had devoted herself to caring for her granddaughters and helping my sister. And then, that. A bitter pill.

    I believe she will give you access to the child, in the end. I don't know why I think this, but I do. It may be that you decide at some point to eat a little humble pie. To accept some of her terms. Many, many mothers do this. They do it for their grandchildren.

    But the thing is, how can you buy access to your grandson? Which is what your daughter is insisting upon. That's beyond humble pie. It's extortion.

    There is really an aspect of betrayal of you on her part. Lying. Hypocrisy.

    But almost worse is her insistence that you subsidize her. That you in effect pay "rent" in order to keep a relationship with her and with your grandson, which is what Kay did, Busy's daughter.

    I don't know what I can say to take the pain away. Except that you don't deserve this. Not one bit.
     
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2019
  8. Deni D

    Deni D Member

    Twinkle ~ I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's obvious you are overwhelmed, as I and others have been so often in the past. I'm not really good at giving emotional support in writing but many others here are, as you have seen and will continue to see.

    It's common for pawn shops to take pictures of drivers licenses and the items pawned and report them to the police departments in the area just in case a thief is involved. There is a timeline associated here, but I don't remember what it is. Basically the pawn shops work with the police because they are not supposed to receive stolen property.

    I don't remember if your daughter lives locally but if so you could try to go to the police and see if they have the information for what she has pawned and where. I don't think you would need to press charges to get this info because when my son stole my jewelry the police would not have pressed charges if I didn't insist they did. You could explain the situation to them and see if they are willing to help you. The jewelry store was more than okay with me just giving them the money they gave to my son to get my jewelry back even though an actual thief was involved. If going to the police doesn't work I'm wondering if calling pawn shops local to her might work.

    If it is important to you as it seems to be to get your possessions back you can try what I've stated above. They will only hold items for so long.
     
  9. Deni D

    Deni D Member

    I just saw Copa's post after I posted, sorry I was corresponding with someone else in the middle there. It's most likely true the pawn shops won't want to hear from you because their contract is with her. Only if they feel there's something amiss going on, like she pawned your items without your permission. They buy for much less than they can sell for, that's their business so unless you get cooperation from them with letting them know she pawned your possessions they probably won't want to hear from you. Or maybe you can tell them you allowed her to pawn your possessions and they would agree to let you get them out of pawn for a little bit more than she paid. This is not an area I'm familiar with. I still think contacting the police to see if they have received any info might be the best course of action.
     
  10. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Action steps are our responses to what is happening. So rather than indulging my former coping mechanisms like self pity, self delusion, and fear, I think about what I can do to make things better for me . Someone in Al-Anon used to say to me "Come out of the corner". So, for me, rather than cowering and crying and feeling sorry for myself when my dry drunk husband unleashed his crap on me, I would leave the house and do something nice for me. I stopped playing the game and acting on my own behalf.

    You have already received good suggestions on how to try to get your jewelry our of the pawn shop without contacting your daughter. I was thinking along the lines of just cutting your losses. It depends how valuable your items are to you .I also think that if you stop all communication, she will contact you eventually when she has created the next crisis and that is when you can bargain and demand the name of the pawn shop first before you even hear the next plea. I would venture to guess that she did not go very far to pawn, so you could go to the ones close to her home.

    As far as the TV gateway and other belongings go, how would you feel about marching over there and just demanding your things? Threatening to call police if she doesn't? I don't know your daughter, but that's what I would do with mine.
     
  11. TwinkleToes

    TwinkleToes New Member

     
  12. TwinkleToes

    TwinkleToes New Member

    Thank you Copa! And thanks to all for the condolences and heartfelt sympathies. You’re so spot on about the rage I experience coming from not setting boundaries. It’s also from me giving with conditions and that’s proven to be an exercise in disaster. Now I can see how that’s an unhealthy dynamic and, unbeknownst to me, a way to way keep some control over her. I’ve been assuming, wrongly, she wants what I want for her...to do what society deems necessary to have some security and comfort. Erin does not have an outwardly mean streak or spirit, but I thank you for pointing out and validating that her actions with regard to withholding my grandson from me is a way to have total power and control over me. She’s covert in expressing her anger. It IS abusive. I’ve thought perhaps it’s better to grieve the loss of my relationship with my grandson now and not put myself in a position to be shattered and manipulated again. It sounds good on paper, but I’d walk over hot coals to see him. That said, I will not be able to handle him coming in and out of my life. How do I have a conversation with her when she calls or wants to meet to talk? You’re all so right - I have a lot to learn. I am proud of myself for two things. 1) Six years ago when Erin & Bum moved in with me, I saw pretty quickly they weren’t following house rules and I kicked them out. Living with me has been off the table from that day forward. I’ve been asked and they’ve been denied. 2) I told her if she goes back to Bum I will withdraw all support. I did it in 30 minutes flat. I’m not saying giving with conditions wasn’t flawed, I can see that now, but I stood behind what I said and what I would do. I made agreements with her time and time again after she’d shown me she doesn’t keep her word. I did that to feel better about doing what I shouldn’t have been doing. My value system and hers are different. Always have been. What I see now is I can’t project that onto her anymore. It isn’t right and it isn’t fair. I read on here that someone’s child joined the circus. I can only image the horror of hearing that but I can also see how they had that right. I have so much to learn. I thank you all for your time, kindness and experience.
     
  13. TwinkleToes

    TwinkleToes New Member

    Running late for work but thought I’d throw this out here. I need to get as many of my belongings back as I can. I need the gateway back to cancel the internet contract. (She doesn’t have access to service because I disabled it). How do I do that? In the future if she asked to borrow anything I couldn’t afford to loose, the answer is no.
     
  14. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    This is what happened when we so much as remarked that Kay's loser Lee was not taking good care of his family and my sister suggested in that same conversation that Kay was beautiful, smart, and bubbly and could do so much better.

    Kay and Lee bonded like Romeo and Juliet. Our very gently stated comments were turned around to make us be talking trash about her soulmate. Yes, she said soulmate. They fight and have even gotten physical, but for Kay, who wont press charges and who has been the aggressor at times, our disapproval of Lee just made her stand by him with more passion. No, Lee was not there as we spoke to her, but he came home at the end and was probably shocked when she ran to.him to hug him hard and kiss his face calling him the love of her life. It was quite a performance.

    They are attached in a very sick way.

    I think sometimes criticizing their beloved loser of choice can make them even closer against us. It is Lee and Kay against a world that misunderstands them. Maybe try refraining from trying to get your kid away from this man? For us, that just made a bad thing worse.

    Moral of the story: They will almost always choose the SO over us, especially if they know we don't like the relationship. To be fair, and I don't lile to be fair sbout this, Kay is moody and lazy and unclean and no prize herself right now. Maybe Lee, with all his problems, IS a good match for her. What a heartbreaking thought.
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2019
  15. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    You are doing very, very well .You have been able to draw boundaries and stick to them.

    It stood out to me what you said about what you want for her and what she wants for herself are 2 different things . It helped me to read that. I want a career for my son, a position where he can give something back and feel good about himself and I want him to get a Masters degree for his future. But he does not want those things. So I need to let go. He wants just any job, live in a trailer and smoke pot every day .I need to accept that . Your statement helped me to let go of my self delusion.

    I think tying conditions to our offers of support are doomed to failure . They won't keep those kind of agreements .
     
  16. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    Hi Twinkle- I'm sorry you had to find us, but I'm glad you did. I had several similar situations with my daughter (she is in a much better place now, but tomorrow could be different, I know). She had a baby at 19 with her abusive boyfriend and did all kinds of lying and manipulating to get money, saying she was no longer with him. It was a nightmare and I got so angry over all of it. She did eventually leave him, but for the next several years it was chaos. I had to learn to set and maintain boundaries and to focus on my own health and well-being. I know it's extremely difficult when there are children in the picture. If you think your daughter and her husband are using drugs and/or alcohol I strongly urge you to contact Child Protective Services. I did maybe 5 times with my daughter because I was so worried about my granddaughter, especially when she was little and couldn't tell me what was going on. It takes a lot for children to actually be removed from the home, but just calling does a couple of things: 1) it gets a file open so your daughter and grandson are being tracked as far as behavior and safety 2) it provides a safety net for your grandson, making sure there is food and decent living conditions and 3) it will likely scare your daughter so she might straighten up, at least for a bit. That's how it worked with my daughter. She would get scared and straighten up for awhile.

    I have taken a different path as far as sharing information about my daughter. At first I felt like you and didn't want anyone to know. But as I started working on myself and setting boundaries I started realizing her choices are a reflection of her, not me. If she's doing these things she must not be ashamed, so I will tell people who ask. She hated it when I would tell people what was really going on with her. When she asked why I told someone that I would say, "You did it, so you must be OK with it." She really didn't have an answer to that. It has been a very long road. I will say once I learned to set and maintain boundaries with her our relationship improved. Again, I know it's very difficult when there are children involved. Sending peace to you.
     
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think the first thing to do is to identify what your priorities are and what your limits are, in yourself, not with her. The next thing is to stay in the present.
    I don't know what is a gateway. Is that the modem? Is there something you have that she wants? Maybe you could trade?

    My sense is that she has to be willing to accept her part in this, and be willing to give something, do something, intend for something positive to happen, in order to work this out, for anything to work. Until she is willing to do so, it will be you dancing alone.

    She may be basically kind, good hearted, decent, sweet, well-meaning, etc., but until her intention is to live better, not through you, but through her own efforts, this will not work. Not even a little bit. Because it is built on a mirage, based upon our wishes and wanting.

    I have stated here on this forum over and over again, my belief that I as a parent have the obligation to insist that my son live life well, near me. Over this I have absolutely no control. But I can hold this as my bottom line. I am in the same kind of negotiation with my own son. I refuse to have him near me if he lives badly.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 3, 2019
  18. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Hi there and welcome, you are among friends.

    My household recently expanded to include our 19 year old son, who we sent to rehab a couple months ago. He transitioned to a sober living facility but did not want to follow their rules, and became disruptive/disrespectful, so he was kicked out. He begged us to give him a chance. We have done so - with a strict contract outlining our expectations and the consequences if he does not follow our rules.

    We have a very long and troubled history with both of our sons. This son is the antisocial type who won't do anything unless he sees direct personal benefit. He is with us only because he has no other resort other than homelessness. There have been years of estrangement between us and him, by his choice. We have gone from no contact at all, to taking him in, in a three month span of time. It has been a whirlwind to say the least.

    So far things are going smoothly. It's only been one week.

    Regarding your daughter, unfortunately it sounds like she is beyond reach at the present time. I agree that based on her behavior, it certainly sounds like heavy drug use is involved. To deal with all this on top of chronic pain, and back surgery imminent, is absolutely awful.

    One day at a time. Do you have support to help you through your surgery - someone reliable?
     
  19. TwinkleToes

    TwinkleToes New Member

    You people are absolutely amazing and I thank you all from the top of my head to the twinkle in my toes. You’re right...seeing what she’s capable of is out in the open. No way to deny that with birthday presents (that are 3 weeks late) sitting in my dining room unopened. It literally makes me want to puke. She knows how excited my grandson gets when he sees me, or if she asks him if he wants to see Grandmommy he starts going crazy. Last time she asked him if he wanted to come to my house he ran and got his little shoes. My heart just broke into 1,000 pieces all over again typing that. I will not pay rent to be in a relationship with anyone. That’s a really great analogy and I understand those. Copa, I also believe she will eventually let me see him. I know as much as my daughter doesn’t want me around, she misses me. She’s hoping if I hurt bad enough I will be so overjoyed to see the baby that I will sweep everything under the rug.

    I don’t have to wonder anymore if she was using me. Duh! I will not negotiate with her to get MY items back. I live in a large city and I would never be able to find the pawn shop on my own. I tried calling a few and they won’t give me any information. I am vacillating about just letting it go but I’m having difficulty doing so. I could chalk it up to a very expensive lesson, but that doesn’t feel right. The honest answer is I don’t want her to get arrested, but I do want to scare her. I’m furious about this modem or gateway as I just got a reminder they are drafting payment on the 8th. What do you think about sending her a message that I’m coming at 3:30 to get my stuff. If she wants to put it on the porch that’s fine with me. My father, without input or my knowledge co-signed on her lease. I would have advised him not to. Anyway, I have a key and could certainly get his permission to go inside when they aren’t there. I don’t know anything anymore. I cannot thank you and Busy enough for all the time, love, grace and attention you’ve shown me.
     
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  20. TwinkleToes

    TwinkleToes New Member

    Hi Sweet Busy,

    “They are attached in a very sick way”! Bingo. I have done everything wrong in regards to the “Bum”. She spoke badly of him, telling me things she knew I would think even worse of him for, and then went back to him. You’re absolutely right that I need to refrain from interfering in their relationship. Trust me, I’ve looked at the chaos she’s created and don’t believe she’s a walk in the park to be married to either. What I refuse to do is be in his presence. He’s not welcome in my home. If that means she doesn’t come over, so be it. She will say half of what she told me isn’t true and I’ll tell her I don’t have the time or energy to decipher fact from fiction, but that as it stands right now, it’s best for just her and the baby to come over. I’m so sorry Kay has put you through this also. God has provided you to help teach me and I am very grateful for you. Thank you, Busy.
     
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